


Elysium

by risokura



Category: Final Fantasy XIII
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-18
Updated: 2014-09-20
Packaged: 2018-01-25 13:39:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 94,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1650605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/risokura/pseuds/risokura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My earliest memory of rising from beneath the murky waters of uncertainty was on a day milked with the soothing light of the late summer sun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. aureate dusted basilica

**Author's Note:**

> This idea has been brewing for two months now and is a massive overhaul of what I previously had planned. Can't guarantee it'll be too happy. 
> 
> Maybe, who knows. Might change my mind in the end.
> 
> *Child Abuse Warning.

My earliest memory of rising from beneath the murky waters of uncertainty was on a day milked with the soothing light of the late summer sun. There is no specific memory attached to this moment in my life. What I was doing on that day has long since blurred into my past, eclipsed only by the melancholy I have subjected myself to for so long.

I can only remember a sharp, pointed needle and the long, red and never ending thread pulled through the loop of its oblong hole. There is an agonizing pain as the needle presses itself slowly into the dull heartbeat thumping underneath the skin of my wrist. The thread severs my nerves, ripping through sinew and flesh. Over and over it would wind itself until it completely cut off the circulation in my hand. I never prayed for it to stop. I never asked for reprieve from the pain that it brought. This mangled hand was my atonement for the trouble my existence has caused. For you see, this is simply a metaphor for the sin I have lived with for the last decade of my life.

In the distant past, in a time when I was still known for the name that I was given at the dawn of my birth and my parents were still alive, I can't remember ever explicitly being told that my condition was an abomination. We weren't the most religious family, but my parents were known to dabble in the faith every now and then.

I remember being an idealistic child up until the point where my father died. I never challenged my father when he was still alive. There was a certain amount of obedience that he expected from us even when we were still so young. My sister was too young to remember any events prior to this as I did … but I knew … I knew deep down that he had always seen something in me that challenged the way he knew God intended me to be. But we humans weren't born from God… we were crafted from the blood of the goddess. And perhaps, that's why what my father believed should be considered a fallacy. But God's teachings were always held as absolute. There was no arguing with him over those beliefs.

My father would pass on just as I came to grips with the raging squall of humanity's existence. One person's success was at the expense of another's tragedy. I never understood how I was supposed to have the emotional capacity to feel affinity for another… let alone thousands of people that I would never know or care for. How was I supposed to have compassion for my fellow human when I could never find any for myself? When I knew that this one part of me would never be accepted… _could_ never be accepted by another.

It was not to say that both of my parents looked upon me with disgust. My mother accepted me for what I was, even though she knew what troubles laid in my future. She had given birth to me and knew that what I was was no fault of her own or mine. I wouldn't learn this truth until later on in my life as she lay on her death bed, a cold and comforting hand caressing the wrinkles and thin lines from out and around my tightly drawn lips.

 _Claire._ She would speak my birth name and reach her hand underneath my chin to tilt my head back so I could look at her. There was a smile on her face. …It was an odd smile that reached the fading warmth in her eyes. It was as if she had finally understood everything in the world.

As I said before, my mother had always known what was wrong with her eldest daughter. They say mother's can tell… they always know when their children are lying to them. They know when something is wrong … but they don't always know when they should push and prod. My mother … she never said anything outright to me. My mannerisms never belied my true feelings. I was always careful to keep myself in check. But I could tell in her looks, in the gazes that she used to give me.

My sister brought home four boyfriends in the span that I brought home none. But my mother was kind and she was patient. And she never pressured me into anything. She was convinced I'd find someone … somewhere out there. _When the time is right_. That's what they always say. When the time is right? The time would never come while she was living, but it would happen somewhere in the years long after her death. I used to think it was a shame she wasn't here to see it. But perhaps, some part of me that still held onto the religion of my youth believed that she still watched on from the heavens.

There was a time when the bells of the Luxerion cathedrals would chime on long through the dawn of every morning. Long after my father had passed, but still before my mother succumbed to her age long sickness. I would wake when the skies were as misty as her eyes and walk through the paved roads to stand at the waterfront. On the third succession of bells, I would cross my fingers in front of my chest and pray. Pray that _this_ was the day that I would be fixed. That this affliction… that this _blight_ on my eternal soul would part with my being and ascend away from me. Or perhaps, descend into hell where I was told it belonged.

But the reprieve never came. And every day I felt that needle puncture a new part of my already bleeding and bruised hand… and the thread pulled harder and ensnared me a little tighter. And as the sun came to peer over the horizon, I would let my hands fall from in front of my chest and raise my head to face the ever continuing agony that was my birth.

-x-

I kneeled down before my mother's grave; cradling the bouquet of roses I brought every year to my chest. It was a warm day in the middle of June. And even though there was hardly any humidity in the air, my hands were beginning to sweat underneath the plastic covering the flowers. I quelled the need to wipe my hands off on my pants as I leaned forward to place the flowers before her headstone.

"Another year, same old thing, yeah? Not like I was expecting it to be any different this time around."

I glanced over my shoulder to where Fang was standing behind me. She wasn't looking at me and her gaze was lost in the late afternoon sky overhead. She swiped a hand over her brow and shifted so that her hands were on her hips.

"You know you don't have to make the trip every year to come with me." I said, finally capturing her attention so that she looked at me.

"Yeah, I know. But it wouldn't be right just leavin' you to do this by yourself, you know?" She shrugged her shoulders, "What with Serah back all the way down in Bodhum, you can't expect her to come back all the time to visit, yeah?"

I turned away from her, "I suppose you're right. Nonetheless, I appreciate the sentiment."

"See? That wasn't so hard, was it?"

I stood up from the grave and Fang came to stand beside me, "It's been four years already…"

"Time's always flyin'." Fang crossed her arms over her chest, "You seem to be holding up all right, though."

I turned away from the grave site and began walking out of the graveyard. Fang fell into step beside me and we both lapsed into silence. What was I supposed to do? Fall to pieces at my mother's grave on every anniversary of her death? I was twenty four, not twelve. I had dealt with death long enough to know that there was no point in mourning, no sense in crying. Everyone died and returned to this earth in a continuous cycle of rebirth. I should be happy that my mother's suffering had ended and she was reborn anew into a new and peaceful life.

Fang had taken the train up from Yusnaan that morning—a five hour commute that she had committed to at 4AM on this day for the last three years. I was thankful for her company even though I had always been inept at showing it. She understood even when I didn't voice it.

"What else you got planned for the day?" Fang asked.

"Nothing of importance... I was going to go to the cathedral—" I said.

"And what? Go _pray_ again?" She asked, her upper lip furling slightly and scoffing at me. "You've already done enough of that for one day. …How about we go to the usual spot?"

"It's early." I replied.

"It's almost five in the damn evening, Light." She pushed her thumbs down into the pockets of her baggy jeans so that they sagged at her hips, "Come on, one drink ain't gonna hurt ya."

"One drink."

"One drink, I promise." She crossed her fingers in front of her and grinned.

I shrugged my shoulders and sighed. I could always go back to the cathedral after she left the next morning. "Guess it couldn't hurt."

-x-

"I really don't know why you've stuck around in Luxerion for so long, Lightnin'." Fang sighed, crossing one slender leg over the other and leaned back in her seat.

"I prefer to stay here." I replied.

"The only reason you _moved_ here is because of your sis—" She paused as she tipped her glass of bourbon to her lips and cleared her throat, "I mean, cause they had better treatment options for your ma's condition. There's nothing to see here. It's boring and stuffy and everyone's always running around prayin' all the god damn time. You always look so damn depressed when I come to see you. Why don't you move back to Bodhum with Serah, huh?"

I glanced wordlessly at her and she rolled her eyes at me. My sister was still a sore subject after all these years.

"Still ain't talkin, eh?" She asked, "How long you gonna hold onto this grudge for, Light?"

"It's not a grudge. I don't _have_ a sister." I said, "She died along with my mother."

"Now you're just being stupid." Fang scoffed, slamming her hand so hard on the table that it sloshed the red wine within my untouched glass. "It's been what? Four years? You still holdin' on to nothing when I'm sure your sister has already buried it. She's already afraid of you, what more do you want?"

"Did you bring me here to talk about Serah? Cause if that's the case, I'm going to go home now and you can go back to Yusnaan."

She shook her head, "No, no. I didn't come here to pick a fight with you about your sis… it's just …" Fang sighed, "Light, it's been years. ...I worry about you being here all by yourself."

"It's peaceful here." I replied, glancing at my wine glass. Fang had ordered it for me even though I told her I wasn't in the mood to drink.

"…And no one really _knows_ you here, do they?"

"I appreciate my privacy."

"Still holding on to that precious privacy of yours, huh?" She glanced down at her drink and titled her glass so that the ice cubes clinked against the sides. "How's the _writing_ going for ya? Still transcribing and translating all those old, stuffy religious texts?"

"Why must you be so passive aggressive?"

"I'm not." Fang replied, "Just tryin' to get you to see how this life is slowly killing you even though you think you're _living_."

I didn't bother gracing Fang with an answer. We always seemed to argue about the same thing whenever she came to visit. Instead, I finally moved to grasp the wine glass and tipped it to my lips. I didn't drink much, if ever. Only when Fang was in town once every couple of months. I watched the carmine colored liquid edge forward and closed my eyes as I languished in the somewhat bitter, yet sweet taste.

"…What is this?" I asked, tilting the drink glass away from my lips.

" _Elysium."_ She said. "Figured you might want something different this time."

"You mean it's named for Elysian Fields? From Greek mythology?" I asked. "The final resting place for the souls of heroes?"

Fang waved her hand at me and pushed her empty glass of bourbon across the table. A waitress swooped by to place it on her tray and sauntered away back to the bar. "I don't know what the hell you're talking about; it's god damn _wine_ , Light." She reached her arms over her head and stretched, "Why? You don't like it or somethin'?"

"No, it's fine. Just … different." I took another sip, "…It's sweeter than what I'm used to..."

"Got a bit of a kick to it at the end too, yeah?" She sat up straight again, "Vanille's turned me onto it. I need something to drink in-between all the hair pulling I do when I read my students horrifying papers."

"You're the one who chose to stay in academia. It's your own fault." I sat my wine glass down and fiddled with my signet ring. "…How are things with you and school?"

"Four more bloody years to go if everything goes as planned." Fang replied as she hailed a waitress for a menu. She grunted as she whipped open the lamented surface of the dilapidated relic and glanced up at me, "You don't want anything right?"

"Nothing you'd order."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"…You still take your steak burnt?" I asked.

 _"Very_ well done." She corrected me.

"You know you do this every time we come here, right?"

She began tapping the old menu against the corner of the table and huffed, "Call me an optimist for hoping they actually change anything in here." Fang looked up at me again, "So. Any new developments in your life? Still biding your time in the cathedral I see."

"It's simple work." I replied.

"Keeps you close to _God,_ huh?" Fang asked as she hailed a waiter and flipped open the menu again.

"You can say that."

The waiter came over before Fang could respond. She made a couple of gestures to the menu as the waiter leaned in to listen to her. I took a sip from my glass of wine again. It had gotten noticeably louder since we'd entered the bar. Figures, it was almost six in the evening. Everyone was just getting off work.

As I lowered my glass of wine, I saw Fang crack a grin at the waiter who had placed his hand down on the table. She began making a show of crossing and uncrossing her legs and leaned forward so that her shirt edged down slightly. My patience was wearing thin.

"Are you ordering food or trying to score a date with someone?" I asked.

The waiter immediately regained his senses and pulled his hand away from the table. Fang sighed and turned back to me as the waiter shuffled away and mumbled something about putting in Fang's order.

"…Lightning Farron. The world's ultimate cockblock." Fang muttered, "You get off on killing everyone's joy, don't you?"

"I didn't come out so you could turn tricks."

"That what you call it, eh?" Fang wasn't offended in the least and crossed her arms as she leaned down on the table. "Tell me how's the love life been? Still punching the shit out of your heart with spiked gloves in the boxing ring?"

Fang's obtrusive voice was always enough to drown out the rest of the squabble of the ruffians that surrounded us. Her eyes were intense and slightly furrowed in what I knew was exasperation. When I refused to answer her, she rapped her knuckles against the wood of the table.

"That wasn't really a question for you to think about." She muttered, "I'm waitin' for an answer."

I shrugged my shoulders and set my half empty glass of wine down in front of me. "This isn't a conversation to be having here." I replied.

"Why? You worried someone will hear you talking about sex with one of your best mates?" She picked up the fresh glass of bourbon a waitress had dropped off at our table and brought it up to her lips, "God forbid you ever portray yourself as someone with _needs,_ Light. That'd be the end of the world, wouldn't it?"

"That's not it, I—" I shrugged, "I never really considered it to be that important."

"Not that important?" She nearly choked on her drink and gave a loud, disgruntled cough to clear her throat. "I don't get you, Light. You ain't ugly and I'm pretty sure there's a whole load of blokes just waiting to fuck your brains out if you let them."

Her crass way of putting things could be so off putting at times. "I hardly want _anyone_ to fuck my brains out." I said.

"Don't take it so literally." Fang scoffed, "God, I've known you since we were what? Seven? Eight?"

"Four." I corrected her. "Maybe if you didn't drink so much you'd remember these things."

She waved her hand dismissively, "Don't try and change the subject, dammit." She took a sip of her drink and licked her lower lip in thought, "I mean, I know you still have that V card. And I'm not making a big deal about that because that's your deal. You'll lose that when you feel well and ready to and I respect that, but…"

"But, _what_ , Fang?"

"I'd think you'd have at least something under your belt when you're bordering the age of twenty five. What gives?"

"Is this why you came to visit me? To discuss the state of romantic life?" Or lack thereof.

She shrugged her shoulders, "I want my best friend to be happy."

"I don't have to be with someone to be _happy,_ Fang."

"That's not what I meant, Lightning." She sighed and began rapping her knuckles on the table again. Her food arrived in the space between our silence. Nachos. I should have known. Fang looked up at me and gestured toward the plate, "Hungry?"

"You know I don't eat meat."

"Scrape it off, jeez." She pulled a cheese laden chip from the bunch and shoved it into her mouth, "Look, Light… we ain't getting any younger. I got my own stuff going on and so do you, but it doesn't mean that I worry about you any less. And yeah, yeah. You're a _big_ girl, I know you can take care of yourself … but I wonder if you're doing it in the right way."

"You live your life how you see fit and I'll do the same for mine." I said, crossing my arms over my chest and looked away from her.

"You really feel that way?"

"It's not my right to judge anyone for what they do."

"Religion talking for you again?"

"Not like you'll ever believe in it."

"I've told you before, we work best _against_ Gods. Not for them." Fang replied, "Can't believe you still adhere to that shit anyway. It's a buncha crap, all of it."

"It's a guiding principle for the way that we should live our lives." I replied, "It might do you some good to actually crack open the scriptures every now and then."

"And what? Read about how I'm going to go to hell? I already know where I'm headin' once this life is over and done for me." Fang laughed, cradling her abdomen in her arm as she began to laugh, "I don't mean to be rude, Light. Really, I don't. But I just can't believe you still hold onto the fairytales they taught us when we were younger. …You don't really believe in any of it anymore, do you?"

"Sometimes people need to believe that something unexplainable, something beyond the scope of human imagination or knowledge exists out there." I replied, finishing off the rest of my wine.

"That why you spend all your time translating those scriptures for the church?"

"Perhaps." I shrugged, "It's a way to bide my time."

"A way to slowly die." Fang muttered, "…You need to find something to do with yourself, Light. I swear, you're going to drive yourself into the ground one day and nothing—no one—is going to be able to pull you out."

"Is it so wrong to be content with a simple life?"

Fang picked up another chip and shook her head, "Not at all. Some people do best with simplicity." She gestured toward me with her hand, "But you. It's not like you're aiming for simplicity. You're aiming to shut the world out."

"That's not it at all."

"Light, outside of me, how many people do you actually keep in contact with?"

She could read the words on my lips even though they were floating idly in the back of my head. _No one_. My parents had both passed on before I hit the age of twenty one and I was estranged from my younger sister because of circumstances in the past that I couldn't forgive her for. ...Couldn't forgive myself for...

I had never really _talked_ to people. I always kept to myself and steeled my heart against human contact. Everyone else had fallen by the wayside, but not Fang. She was the one person I had constantly kept in my corner. Why she still put up with me was a god damn miracle.

Fang cleared her throat, "…Listen, Light… I didn't come all this way to rag on ya. Sorry if it feels like I am. You're just too young to be this unhappy and for once I just want you to let me in." She crossed her arms over her chest and leaned back in her chair, "I know this mushy shit never came easy to you, but I think you need a serious break away from this city. You need to go somewhere else to clear your head… find something different to do with your life."

"Fang." I snapped, "I said I was fine here. Why can't you leave it alone?"

"Because you're like a god damn zombie right now!" She slammed her fist on the table and a couple of people sitting over by the bar turned to look in our direction. Fang leaned in and lowered her voice, "You know what you do, Light? You sit around in that god damn cathedral all _damn_ day transcribing shit from ancient tomes that no longer have any relevance in present day society. You preach about how it _helps_ you, but I've seen it do nothing but _hurt_ you." She fingered the rim of her drink, "…And I know why you do it. I've _always_ known why you've done it.

"And why is that, Fang? Entertain me as you've been doing for this entire day."

"Your bloody father is _dead,_ Lightning. No one is passing judgment on you for feeling the way you do." She shook her head, "Your ma would have never wanted something like this for you. You, along with everyone else knew how much she loved you and Serah. No matter what the two of you did. Just look at what happened when Serah—"

"Don't you say another word, Fang." I said, rising from my seat. " _Don't_ you say another word about Serah."

"She's not dead. No matter how much you want to make yourself believe that she is…" Fang trailed off. She glanced down at her unfinished glass of bourbon and the barely eaten nachos in front of her. "…Light."

"Enough. Get the check, Fang. It's time to go." I finally said with a sense of finality that I knew she was tired of fighting.

-x-

We walked along the riverbank just as the sun was beginning to set. Neither of us appeared to be in the mood for talking again. This always happened when Fang came to visit. She was always _worried_ about me. Always _concerned_ that I was shutting everyone out. I was never a social person to begin with, but she claimed I'd gotten worse with my mother's passing.

"Why do you always do this?" Fang asked me as she took a seat on a bench near the river's edge. She raised her gaze to the sky, briefly catching a glimpse of sun before it disappeared behind the massive cathedral. _Everything_ in Luxerion seemed to be oriented in the direction of the cathedral. "What's the deal with you and the sun?"

"You rise with the sun, you sleep with the moon." I replied, crossing my fingers over my chest. "I'm merely paying respects to the maker..."

"Etro?" Fang asked, "Can't be Lindzei or Pulse, those crazy ass bastards."

" _Bhunivelze_ …" I murmured, "…Well… Etro, too. I suppose."

Fang waved her hand, " _Come, pity poor Etro, she was left all alone. Her blood pouring forth, in Chaos to atone. Queen of nothing, goddess of death - so let her be known._ I'd say you two have a lot in common, Light."

I turned around to face her, "How so?"

"Legends always paint Etro out to be this melancholic deity. Always feeling compassion for humanity and recognizing their faults. Yet, she kills herself because her father wouldn't pay her any attention. She's like this lost child seeking some type of acceptance from someone who will never give it to her. She's always there to guide, but there's never anyone there to guide her when she becomes lost."

"…She's a _goddess,_ Fang. How could she possibly be lost?"

"She _killed_ herself because her father viewed her as defective, didn't she? Wasn't it because he thought she looked too much like Mwynn?" Fang shrugged, "She was given the short end of the stick from the moment she was created. Like she was destined to fail in life before she even got the chance to succeed."

"Gods are infallible." I replied, "And Etro found a greater purpose even when Bhunivelze saw nothing in her. Yes, she suffered. But it was for a greater cause and we were created as a result of it. There has to be some type of meaning in the suffering that she endured."

"Not all suffering brings wisdom, Light." Fang replied, "Some shit you go through and nothing good comes out of it."

I lowered my fingers from my chest, "Are you saying I'm suffering for no reason?"

"So you admit it?"

"I didn't admit to anything." I said, "I'm asking what you think."

Fang rose from the bench and pocketed her hands into her pants again. "…I already told you what I think and you didn't want to hear most of it. I repeat myself over and over again hoping that it sinks into your head, but nothin' ever really gets through to you until it's too late…" She began pacing, taking long winding strides behind me, "You wanna know what I think, huh?"

"I'm asking you to tell me, Fang."

She stopped pacing and turned around to look at me, "I want you to stop denying yourself the basic right to _feel,_ Lightning. I feel like someone has taken all of your emotions, bottled them into a pretty little mason jar and pushed them up on the highest shelf to rot away for the rest of eternity." Fang turned her attention to the cathedral, "That place is sucking you dry little by little and you can't see it… or maybe you know it and you just want to go on with this whole charade that everything is fine."

"Du Mu, an old Chinese poet once said, ' _Too much emotion is like none at all'._ " I said, "I won't be a slave to carnal impulse and rage."

"…You mean you won't be human? Is that it?"

"You don't understand, Fang." I exhaled loudly and turned away from her so that I could watch the last dying rays of the sun bathe everything in its blinding, aureate light. "You're not me. You will never _be_ me so you can't possibly understand why I have to stay this way."

"You're an _adult_ , Lightning." Fang countered, "A young adult whose living like she's at the end of her days. I've never seen someone as young as you are so despondent about … about _everything."_

"Do you know, Fang? Do you know what it's like to sit in a room full of people and feel isolated from nearly everyone that surrounds you?" I asked, "Do you know what it's like to constantly be told that you aren't worthy of living just because of something you can't control? Just because you were created in a way that doesn't fit the mold of what society thinks you should be? I have lived for _years_ with this affliction on my soul and I have done _everything_ in my power to cure it and it just doesn't go away."

"…But there's nothing wrong with you."

"There _is_ something wrong with me." I corrected her as I moved to sit down on the bench, "There has been something wrong with me long before you've known me and there will continue to be something wrong with me until the day that I die. I don't want to die and be committed to an eternity of damnation, Fang. I don't want to live in a constant cycle of rebirth where I try to atone for the sins of my past, only to have them thrown back into my face because I fucked up again in the next life."

Fang went quiet for a long time, her hands on her hips and her eyes cast down toward the ground. I folded my hands within my lap and lowered my eyes away from the blinding light that crashed into and cascaded off of the buildings that surrounded us. It was as if someone was putting a spotlight on me and trying to blind me into submission.

She finally turned to look at me just as I cleared my throat to speak again. "Light."

"What, Fang?"

"…Come with me."

I looked up at her, "Come _where_ , Fang?"

She walked over to me, "…Just for the summer. …Come with me back to Yusnaan."

"I can't." I said, "How many times do I have to tell you this."

Fang reached for my hand and shook her head, "Yes. Yes, you can." She lowered her gaze to where her hand overlapped mine, "Light—no, _Claire."_ I felt myself bristle internally when she spoke my childhood name, "Claire. This place is _killin'_ you. You haven't been the same. You've fallen so far, I don't think you know what's right and wrong anymore."

"But this place helps me, Fang." I said, "It's going to _fix_ me. Can't you see that?"

She shook her head again and turned so that she could grab both of my hands, "It's been _years_."

"I know."

" _Years_ , Lightning." Fang said, "…Tell me how you've felt in these last few years since your mother passed? You still praying every day, right? Still spending endless hours with those oppressive idiots and you're still the same. Am I right?"

"Fang."

"I'm not going to take no for an answer." Fang said, " _Please_. Just for the summer and then if nothing changes your mind I'll let you come back here and I won't ask you again."

I sighed and pulled my hands away from hers. The sun was almost gone at this point and I knew I'd be facing another sleepless night where I would never be able to close my eyes and ease my breathing. Never able to sink into my bed and let the night envelope me in the way that my mother's arms used to when I was still a child. I would stay awake with a mug of tea clutched between my high strung hands and stare out into the streets beneath my apartment.

I would see them at night. As I sewed the needle tighter into my hand, watching the red thread grow and spin new and winding webs over the last inches of my skin, they would come out underneath the shade of the smiling moon. They weave secrets into the streets of Luxerion, dancing and laughing as they celebrated a folly all their own. They were happy. Men emasculating the other with their presence, women slinging their arms around hips better suited for birthing children.

I shut the blinds before I take another glimpse into their world. The songs of liberation are shut out against the rapidly warming glass of the rising sun. My mug trembles in my hands through the night. It slips from my hands as I press it to my mouth again and the hot liquid scalds my tongue. More pain, more pain, more pain. I sit down at my bed and pray. Hands laced together and bound tight. The sign of redemption is repeated over and over and over again in my mind. I need to feel more pain. I need to offer another sign of penance. I need to get these hands off of me; I need to get these thoughts out of my mind. I need to be normal, normal, normal, normal. _NORMAL_.

I awake on the floor of my bedroom, hands still tightly bound and bleeding. My wrists are sore and my mouth is dry. My head throbs. If I don't get up I'm going to miss morning prayer.

When I open the window that morning, I don't see them anymore. They are gone by the first chime of the cathedral's bell. They resume their normal lives as _normal_ people. Their sins still linger over their heads, but no one speaks them in the light of the day. No one talks about what happened _last_ night. No one breathes a word of what God will condemn them for. But they know. Everyone knows. Everyone knows and yet they don't say one word.

But, I can see their hands are as brutalized and bloody as my own. I see the markings of shame in their face. I see the stains of tears long since dried streaking down their tired and worn faces. The happiness that they found in the night is dissipated by God's shining light. They will have to pay for their transgressions. We take our places side by side; heads bowed and awaiting our eternal and divine retribution.

It is a never ending cycle. Over and over and over again. The world spins, it turns on and on and on. And I hold on, hands covering my eyes, curled upon the floor of the cathedral praying for it to end. I just wanted to be good. I just wanted to be happy. I just wanted to do what everyone expected of me. I just wanted, I just wanted, I just—

"…Lightning?"

Fang was holding onto my hands again. Hadn't I pulled away?

"What could I possibly find in Yusnaan that I don't have here?" I asked.

"…Me?" Fang tried feebly, "I ain't much to you these days, I know." She found herself laughing, despite trying to be serious about the situation, "But I'm a helluva lot better for you than the clowns in this city. I can tell you that much."

I looked down at her hands and then up at Fang, "It won't work. It's better if I just stay here."

"I'm willing to try." Fang said, "…Just give me the summer, Light. That's _all_ I'm asking."

"Just for the summer."

She nodded, " _Just_ for the summer."


	2. haunted by time

I stopped wearing a watch after my mother died.

When I was a child and we still lived in Bodhum, my parents owned a clock shop. Every day during the summer, I used to sit in the back room with my mother as she sat at her work bench. She would always be tinkering with something. From broken pocket watches to grandfather clocks that were in dire need of refurbishing. There was something mesmerizing about watching her work and I was always eager to learn.

My mother used to tell me that watches were useless things. Odd, despite the fact that she owned a clock shop with my father. When I asked her why, she told me that even when the clockwork was all messed up and ceased to function, time still rolled on.

…Time. Time is an illusion created by man to defy his mortality. He thinks that by measuring the finite space between two points that he can maximize his profitability. But, there is never enough time in the day. And humans tire so quickly. What happens to man's precious time that he has lost? He can't reclaim it. He can only push forward and try to complete what he needs to do with the time that he has left. It's all just a pathetic attempt to structure himself so he doesn't waste a minute of his life.

That's why I had come to hate clocks. I abhorred the churning of cogs and the incessant ticking of minutes flying by. My mother always said I should never be ruled by the accursed structures, but I always found myself staring them down. Counting down the minutes until the day ended. I was always looking to a clock or calendar to measure how much time I had left… how much time _she_ had left.

My mother would always chastise me for relying so heavily on time.

_Live in the moment, Claire. You'll have time to fret later._

My sister would laugh in the background as she was on her way out to the studio. I would never respond to either of their jibes. My mother would pat the chair beside her and motion for me to sit, just as the door closed behind my sister.

_Stop looking at those things, Claire. I'm fine._

That's what she would say in the beginning. This was during a time when she was still able to walk and her hands didn't feel as if they were going to break as they grasped for mine.

She would sit me down next to her, we'd watch out the window and see Serah as a lithe, yet tiny figure down below. Serah would turn halfway and look up to where we sat before the window and wave. My mother would grasp my hand and wave back. Serah laughed and faded away.

_You see how she doesn't worry? I know how different you are, but perhaps you can feed off your younger sister and be a little more of the same._

Her grip tightened around my hand and I'd look down at our intertwined fingers and then up at my mother. Her smile was always so warm even when she was at her worst. I would turn away from her and mumble something about her medication. She'd laugh at the way I would constantly hover over her, yet welcome it willingly.

Live in the moment. The future is always becoming the present and the present, the past. How was I supposed to _live_ in one moment when everything was moving so fast around me? I suppose what I was doing, riding the train back to Yusnaan in the insufferable heat of early summer, was what she meant.

After questioning myself multiple times, Fang was finally able to get me to go back to my apartment and pack my life up in the span of one day. Not like I had much left for me in Luxerion. My life was consumed wholly by my time spent in the cathedral from dawn until dusk and then a solitary existence surrounded by nothing but books at home. The process hadn't been therapeutic in the least. It did nothing but arouse more anxiety and confusion over the entire situation.

Fang was currently sleeping at my side, arms crossed over her chest and forehead pressed against the window pane. I barely slept that night and spent more time pacing back and forth in my room over anything else.

She'd asked me to come with her to Yusnaan every time she visited me in Luxerion. It's the same song and dance where we talk about the same things, and she gives me the same argument about why I need to leave Luxerion behind me.

But, Luxerion … I've held onto Luxerion as the one place that can provide solace for people like me. People with unnatural feelings and thoughts. Unnatural yearnings for something that we would have to constantly deny ourselves for the length of our entire lives. I couldn't surround myself with the faith in Bodhum or Yusnaan like I could in Luxerion.

Bodhum was somewhat neutral, riding the fine line between moral depravity and redemption. Yusnaan, this was the city of revelry. A city thriving in the midst of sin, a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah. I'd been here once since Fang moved from Oerba to come here. She said something about a change of scenery and getting away from all the _noise_ back home. Whatever that meant. Oerba was hardly any different from Bodhum.

The intercom chimed overhead and startled Fang out of her sleep. She blinked blearily at me as the conductor announced that we had an hour left until we arrived in Yusnaan. Fang stretched and yawned before turning back to me and raised a scrutinizing eyebrow.

"You sleep any?"

"No."

"Still running on full after being up all night, yeah?" She asked, leaning forward to open her bag and pull out her cell phone, "At least we're not getting back at rush hour. Don't wanna have to contend with any idiots on our way home."

"Hm."

"Riveting conversation we're having here, Light."

"I'm sorry, I'm just…" Agitated? On edge? About to lose my mind?

"Nervous?" She tried.

"I guess you can say that."

"What are you _nervous_ about?" She asked, "Look, you ain't comin' to Yusnaan to mingle with every god damn person there. You'll be staying with me an' Vanille the whole time. It's a _vacation,_ Light. Start acting like it for once."

"Vacation, huh?" I mused, sinking into my chair and adjusted the sunglasses covering my eyes. "A vacation to _fix_ me?"

"This isn't a god damn therapy retreat. It's to get you out of that bloody city that's bleeding you dry." Fang sighed and crossed her arms over her chest, "Just work with me, Light. That's all I'm asking. Just give me a god damn chance to get you smiling again. Never were much for it in the first place, but you have at least once in your life."

I shrugged my shoulders, "Whatever you say, Fang."

She pocketed her phone and turned away from me to stare out the window again.

-x-

Fang's place was situated just outside of the Augur's Quarter in one of the nicer parts of town. When I asked her how she was able to afford the space, she merely shrugged and told me not to worry about it. She lived on the top floor of her walk up, something she lamented as she lugged one of my suitcases up the stairs behind her.

Upon reaching the top floor, Fang dropped the bags she was carrying so she could pull her keys out of her pocket and open the front door. As soon as Fang opened the door to her apartment, I was greeted with filth and the pungent smell of stale sweat. Fang immediately took one look at the state of the living room and began screaming Vanille's name before she even stepped through the threshold.

I was left standing in the middle of the living room, cautiously stepping my way around the various cartons that littered the floor of the entryway. Something shattered against the wall and I heard Vanille's moans come from down the hallway along with heavy thumping. Two seconds later a half dressed man came sprinting from out of the hallway and rushed for the front door. I merely stepped aside to let him through.

Fang and Vanille were engaged in rapid conversation in their native language, completely ignoring my existence in the doorway. I took that time to remove Fang's keys from the front door and shut and locked it behind me. I heard my name fall out of Fang's mouth as she gestured to me and Vanille looked helplessly from me to Fang. She wasn't wearing anything but the sheets from her bed. How did Fang convince me to come live with her again?

Vanille pouted and screamed something back at Fang before stomping off and slamming the door to her bedroom behind her. Fang muttered something under her breath and began walking back over to me, "I'm gonna kill her."

"Charming. How old is she again?"

"Just turned twenty two last week and you'd think she'd exercise some _GOD DAMN SENSE_ when it comes to how she treats this place." Fang seethed as she pulled her duffel over her shoulder and then turned to look at me, "This way." She turned away from the living room and directed me toward a spiraling staircase that led to the second level of the apartment. I let her grab one suitcase while I reached for another and ascended the stairs after her. On the landing she opened the door to her room and motioned for me to follow her inside.

Fang's room was an assortment of … plants. It reminded me of a sunroom that had been overrun by flora. Everywhere I looked there were plants lining the shelves of her walls, surrounding the floor to ceiling windows in front of me and hung from the slanted ceiling overhead.

"…What _is_ all of this?"

She dropped her duffel bag on the floor and crossed her arms over her chest, "Don't tell me you forgot what I'm studying, Lightning."

"…Botany." I replied. I couldn't deny that it smelled way better in Fang's room than it did back downstairs, "I'm assuming these are all projects in the making?"

"No, I just like plants." She walked over to the double doors near her bed and motioned for me to come over to her, "Come over here, I want you to see the view."

"…Fang, just a minute." I replied, rolling one of my suitcases from in front of me and out of the way. "Just where am I staying?"

Fang glanced at her bed and then looked at me, "You serious?"

I folded my hands in front of me, "Fang."

"Are you _really_ going to act that way towards an old friend, Light? You had no problem sleeping in the same bed with me when we were younger."

"That was years ago." I said, "We're grown adults. It wouldn't be—"

"All right, _all right,_ Miss Priss. I'll get a blow up mattress from the store tomorrow. But tonight, we'll have to share the bed. Got it?" Fang said as she turned her back on me, "Now shut up and come over here already."

I walked over to the double doors where Fang stood waiting. She stood aside so I could step out onto the terrace first and she closed the door behind us. The sun was already beginning to set and the sky was flooded in a river of color. Sharp and vibrant colors of red, yellow and orange faded into blue overhead. I'd miss the beauty of a sunset like this. Nothing in Luxerion was ever as vibrant.

"Beauty, ain't it?" Fang asked, "I could live for this view everyday to tell you the truth."

"…It's almost been two years since you've moved here… right?"

"Yeah, in August. A week after my twenty second birthday." She replied, leaning over the edge, "Vanille's been here a little over half a year as well… can't say she's contributed much to the place though."

"…Looks like she brings all the excitement home." I mused, placing my hands on the railing, "What was that all about?"

"Trashing the place. Throwing god damn parties while I'm gone." Fang snarled, "All she and her little delinquent friends do is smoke god damn pot and drink all day and night. I'm starting to believe she's lost all ambition since coming here."

"Does she work?"

"Contrary to popular belief, yes. She actually goes there on time. It's a god damn miracle." Fang waved her hand and turned to me, "Listen, enough about Vanille. Why don't we go and get some dinner? You must be starving by now, right?"

I shrugged, "I guess."

"All right, it's settled." She grasped for my hand to tug me along, "There's this new place in town that just opened up. They sell deep fried Niblet hairballs. I think you'll like'em."

-x-

"I can't focus when I lay next to you."

I curled the sheets within my hands and waited for her to say something. It was the start of a confession that I had been ready to make for the last ten years, but I knew Fang already knew the truth. _2:36AM_ blinked back at me as I kept my eyes focused on the LED display on the nightstand beside me. I didn't even know if Fang was still awake.

"…You wait until I'm half asleep to tell me something like that, Lightning?" Fang shifted slightly in the sheets, but I didn't know if she was looking at me, "What? You can't even sleep in the same bed with another woman in a completely platonic way?"

"No." I said, rolling over onto my back so that I could watch the potted plants swaying overhead, "You've always distracted me in ways that I never wanted to acknowledge. Even when we were younger and I was coming to understand why I was this way… why I craved the attention and attraction of the same sex."

"That why you didn't want to come to Yusnaan?" She asked, "Afraid something more might come of this?"

I shook my head and laced my fingers over my stomach, "No. But, I always prayed that one day I'd overcome these feelings. Perhaps moving away to Luxerion eight years ago was a blessing and a curse at the same time."

"Ouch, Lightning."

"You need to understand where I'm coming from."

"A place of intense internalized oppression?" She asked, finally turning over in bed so that she could look at me in the darkness.

"People believe that some people choose to be this way. But I never did." I said, "Why would I choose to live a life that defies God when it would be so much easier adhering to his teachings about what he expects of humanity?"

Fang shrugged, "I wouldn't know anything about it. We never believed in that junk back in Oerba." She said, "When my ma tried taking me to church when we were younger I used to think it was the stupidest shit on the planet. And I wasn't even that old back then."

"Well, my father was the religious one. So we _had_ to go as children." I said, "My mother was raised in the faith but her parents were lax... that's why she never took us to church after my father died. I think … I think she saw how it was hurting me."

"How could she have known even back then?"

"They say parents know." I responded, "Besides, there were other things as well…"

"Like?"

"Things I'll leave for another night." I turned to face her, "When we were teenagers, we used to lie like this in your bed. Do you remember?"

"What in the hell type of question is that? Course I remember." She rolled her eyes at me, "You were in that uptight prep school while I gallivanted around like a delinquent down at the reject school. You were a lot more open with me in those days, you know? Things changed once you turned into Miss High and Mighty in Luxerion."

"Things change. _People_ change." I shook my head, "Sometimes I believe your faith in me is completely misplaced." I sat up in the bed so that the sheets pooled around my waist, "I've _done_ things, Fang. Things that I can't and should never be forgiven for."

"If this is about sex, Lightning, you can stop the tortured and torn act." Fang said, "You're in your twenties. People in their twenties have _sex_. _Lots_ of it. Some with women, some with men, some with women _and_ men. It's not a big deal—"

"It _is_ a big deal, Fang." I pulled back the sheets, swung my legs over the bed and stepped onto the hardwood floor. The floorboards moaned underneath my weight as I began to pace and I gripped the sleeves of my night shirt in an attempt to calm myself down. If I just had a scripture to read… just _something_ to take my mind off of what this was stirring in my heart, maybe I would be okay.

"I think you're delirious." Fang said, "You barely slept back in Luxerion and look at you. Lightning, for God's sake. Would you stop pacing like a mad woman?"

I paused and looked at her as I dug my fingernails into my skin. She leaned over to reach for the light by her bed and I immediately shook my head, "Don't turn it on."

She paused midway and turned to face me, "Why?"

"Because he sees everything in the light, I…" I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I'm pretty sure she thought I was going insane, "Just… just please. Don't turn it on."

Fang threw the covers off of her legs and got out of bed. I stood rooted to one spot as I watched her reach over to where her desk chair was and pull on the pair of sweatpants she'd pulled off sometime during the middle of the night. She turned around to face me and advanced toward where I was standing. I backed away instinctively.

"Lightning." She began, her voice so low I could barely hear it. "Lightning, I want you to listen to me."

I tried to turn away from her but she placed a heavy hand on my shoulder and used the index finger of her dominant hand to forcibly press against my chin and turn my focus on her.

"No. _Listen_ to me." She said, "You're not going to keep me up all night with this nonsense, understand? You are _paranoid_ right now and you're scaring me, sweetheart. _Really_ scaring me, because I never thought you'd fallen this far or it had gotten this bad. Lightning. …What _happened_ to you? Honestly, what in the hell has Luxerion done to you in these last eight years?"

I went to move her hand away from my shoulder, but she gripped it tighter as I tried to pry her fingers loose. "Fang."

"No, you listen to me." Fang said, "You are _drowning_ yourself. This isn't healthy and I know you know it, but you don't want to hear it. They've got your head all screwed up and you don't even see it."

"I'm going to hell, Fang." I said, lowering her gaze.

" _No,_ you're not."

" _YES,_ I am." I said, "This goes beyond just a sexual attraction to my own sex. It's _more_ than that and you don't get it at _all!"_

Fang shook me so hard I almost lost my balance, "Well then _TELL_ me, Lightning. _TELL_ me what in the hell has got you so fucked up in the head that you would deny yourself the basic right to live and be a normal god damn human being?"

I looked back up at her again and I felt like I was starting back into the face of Etro herself. They say the goddess holds a type of compassion for her children that God could never have. Her love is one of unconditional acceptance and hope. Even the deepest of sinners can be redeemed, absolved of all their wrongdoings.

I placed a hand over Fangs and let it rest there for a minute. I could feel my heartbeat hammering in my chest. I was cornered with nowhere to go, nowhere to run. I couldn't seclude myself within the stacks of endless tomes and scriptures detailing the finer intricacies of God's plan for everything that humanity faced. I couldn't bow before the altar and pray for forgiveness. I could repeat mantras in my head in rapid repetition, sure. But Fang would snap me out of it as soon as I had begun.

"It's …Serah."

" _Serah_?" She questioned. "What's Serah got to do with any of this?"

"…All of this begins with Serah." I felt her hand drop from my shoulder, "… _Everything_ begins with Serah."

"What do you mean by that?"

I gestured toward the bed, "You should sit down for this one."

"Lightning?"

"Just please, sit down." I watched her walk back over to the bed and take a seat on the side that she had been sleeping on. "One thing before I start, Fang."

"What is it?"

"Promise that when all of this is said and done, you won't look at me with the contempt that I already feel for myself." I said. The sins of my past were about as low and disgusting as one person could get. …I didn't need another person feeling double for what I already knew about myself.

"Yeah, sure. Whatever." She crossed her arms over her chest, "Go on, Light. I'm listening."

-x-

_My father had a way of disciplining me that most people would consider borderline abusive. And it began because of something I did to my little sister that I wouldn't understand until I became much older._

_We were playing around as normal siblings do. Serah was only four at the time and constantly wanted me to play_ _house_ _with her. I was always the father and she was the mother. Her various stuffed animals and dolls were our children. Our mother wasn't home, but our father was. However, these details aren't important…perhaps minutely._

_Serah was always somewhat precocious. She seemed to pick up on things even when she should have been too young to understand them. She turned to me, eyes wide and blue and placed one of her stuffed animals in my arms and told me it was my turn to sing the baby to sleep. She turned away from me and walked over to the kitchen playset that my parents had bought for her birthday that year. I did what she asked of me. …I_ always _did what she asked of me._

_I'd always felt some type of way for my younger sister. I was too young to understand the severity of these emotions. I thought they were normal and that all siblings felt the same affinity that I did for my little sister. I was always jealous of other people vying for her attention. I wanted her to pay attention to me and solely me. I wanted to distract her in any way possible… and I did._

_I got her into my bed that afternoon. Told her this was another way to play house… I…_

_...I kissed her. Not as in a kiss on the cheek or forehead at that. It was like I'd seen in those late night romance movies my mother would watch on the nights when my father wasn't home and she thought Serah and I were tucked safely away in our beds. Or like the kisses I saw my parents exchange when I'd snuck out of bed early in the morning and they had found a little time to be together in-between the hectic schedules of our daily lives._

_She didn't say anything. Her eyes were wide and innocent, staring up at me as if she didn't understand anything of what I had done. I didn't understand it myself. But, I thought it was a way of conveying love… the unnatural love that I felt for my little sister._

_My father snatched me from off of Serah just as my hands pushed underneath her shirt. I've never known rage quite like the one my father exuded on that early spring afternoon. Serah was left sitting on my bed in confusion while my father yanked me from the room._

_He slammed the door to my parent's bedroom and immediately backhanded me so hard I tasted blood in my mouth and my head spun as it hit the wall. I just remember his hands flying everywhere as I tried to huddle into the corner of my parent's bedroom screaming that I was sorry. That it wouldn't happen again. I didn't know that it was wrong. I would never misbehave again. I'm sorry that I had disappointed and disobeyed him. I loved Serah. I didn't want to hurt her. I was sorry, I was sorry, I was_ **sorry** _**.** _

_He made me repeat scripture after scripture, write out verse after verse until my hand was on the verge of breaking. He called me the devil's child, the spawn of Satan. Serah watched us from the hallway, head poking out from behind the wall she grasped in her chubby fingers. My father told her repeatedly to go back to her room. She was a_ good _girl_. _Her sister wouldn't taint her any further._

_When my mother returned home and questioned the state of my face, my father replied that I had been rough housing with Fang—valid, as they both knew how wild the two of us could be when we played together—and I'd tripped and hit my head outside. I'm not sure my mother bought his story; I didn't dare meet her eyes. I stayed looking toward the ground, wishing that hell would open up its gates and swallow me hold. Barely seven years old and already I knew that I was viewed as unfavorable in God's eyes. In my Father's eyes. Serah was quiet about what had happened as well. She didn't understand it as much as I didn't back in those days…_

_But I knew… deep down I began to realize that I wasn't like the other people that littered the world. The normal people like my mother and father who would never have the same uncontrollable and filthy urges that I did. And for many years, I would learn to keep them in check … because if I didn't… I didn't want to think about what would happen to me if I didn't._

_-x-_

Fang was silent for a long time; her arms crossed over her chest as she looked away from me and processed what I just told her. I felt the temperature in the room stifle me, crush my windpipe and churn my stomach in ways that I hadn't felt for a very long time.

"Fang." I said, "…Say something."

"…You were young." Fang began, "You didn't know any better, Lightning."

"I molested my _sister_ , Fang."

"You were a _child_ , Lightning." Fang said, "Whatever you felt back in those days can't count for much in present day. You didn't know it was wrong and what your father did to you is horrible. Does Serah even _remember_ that happening?"

"No." I said, "…At least, I don't think she does. She knows my father was strict with me but she doesn't know why. …Or maybe she figured it out, I'll never know."

"So… all those bruises you used to have when we were kids?"

"They were from him." I said. "I still hold myself accountable for my actions even though you say I should just sweep it under the rug."

"That's _not_ what I meant, Lightning. For fucks sake, I—" Fang rose up from off the bed and turned her back to me, "You were barely seven years old. Most kids have no idea what any of that crap _means_ at that age. You say you had an unnatural love for Serah, but did you ever consider for one minute that you were just being her older sister? That you just wanted to look after her as an older sibling should?"

I shook my head, "No, the type of love I felt for Serah was never to be as a sibling should. I was going to take advantage of her and she would have laid their willingly taking it."

"Kids _do_ freaky shit, Lightning. God damn. Hell, me and Vanille did the whole _doctor_ thing when we were younger." She placed her hands on her hips, "It's all about exploration and all that shit. Everyone _does_ stuff like that and they don't go around talking about how they molested their siblings."

"…Fang."

She turned around to face me, "Have you ever thought about it like that? Huh? Have you, Light?"

"You're _missing_ my point, Fang." I said, crossing my legs and avoiding her gaze again, "The level of discipline my father administered always had me to believe otherwise. A parent doesn't berate and torture their child just for simple _exploration,_ Fang. Sure, they freak out. But with the way my father looked at me after he saw what I was doing to Serah … I knew … I knew it was otherwise."

"…Lightning." Fang called to me so that I picked up my head to look at her, "We should sleep."

"Is this getting to be too heavy for you?"

She shook her head, "No. Not it's not. I don't think you molested Serah. Had you been older? Yeah. I would tell you to pack your bags and get the fuck out of my apartment. But at the age of seven, I doubt you'd have had any concept of sex or anything of that nature. Also, considering how your parents raised you, I wouldn't be surprised if you still thought babies came from eggs."

"…That's a pretty weak argument, but I'll drop this for tonight." I said, glancing at the clock on the nightstand. We had been talking for the better portion of an hour.

"You need sleep. Your head is all screwed up and you need to reset that overworked brain of yours." Fang said, "We'll go out tomorrow. I'll show you around town and you can get your mind off of this nonsense about you and Serah."

"But, Fang—"

"No." Fang said, shaking her head. "I've got some things to think about as well and if I talk about this anymore my head is going to explode. In the mornin', Lightning. We'll talk more in the morning." She turned her back on me as if her word was final and settled into bed again.

Her room was quiet, except for the occasional beeping of her clock and the slowing down of her breathing. Fang was disgusted with me. She didn't have to say it, I could see it in the way that she avoided my gaze and kept trying to convince me that what I did… what I did to Serah wasn't abuse. She was trying to convince me that I was still _good_ on the inside. That I was still a human being worthy to be heard. I was still worthy of being loved.

I rose from the bed and walked through her winding maze of plants and over to the doors leading out to the small balcony connected to her room. Yusnaan was unlike Luxerion at night. Luxerion's skies were always hazy, overcast … somewhat like they were choked with smog. But you could see the stars if you looked hard enough. But, I noticed that the sky in Yusnaan never really became dark. It was an odd storm grey tinged with cornflower blue. It reminded me of my mother's eyes…

Everything also stayed the same. Same sounds, same view, same lights. Yusnaan was sin incarnate, both day and night. In Luxerion … temptation lurked in the shadows, obscured by God's holy light. I couldn't feel that light in Yusnaan… I couldn't breathe in Yusnaan. I had only been here for less than twenty four hours and I could feel my resolve snapping in two like a fragile twig on a cold, autumn day.

I sat on Fang's balcony, back pressed up against the railing and watched the people come and go on the street below. It was cool that night, which was a welcome change from the stuffy and humid nights I'd been experiencing back in Luxerion. But I knew that this place wasn't for me.

I had only told Fang half of the story... no, I hadn't even brushed the surface with what happened with my younger sister. There was more to this story besides a certain play date that grew too out of hand one afternoon. And I'm sure Fang knew it.

...She just didn't want to say it.


	3. sea foam glass

I left Bodhum behind when I was sixteen.

After my father died, my mother had no idea what to do with two young children while she was busy grieving herself. So, she enrolled Serah and me in dance classes. Serah took to it immediately; I quit within the first year and turned my eyes on the ocean. But, that's a story for another time.

Serah took to ballet with such ferocity that my mother began to consider sacrificing her school time in order to invest in her dance time. That was how we found ourselves in Luxerion after my sister turned thirteen. She'd been accepted into some prestigious dance school and my mother was hesitant to move. But she knew it was for the best. For Serah… and for me.

I spent my last day in Bodhum with Fang. It was the summer after our sophomore year of high school and things were rough between the two of us… _really_ rough. She hated that I was leaving. There was no one else that would get her in Bodhum. Not like it mattered. Fang had always been a loner like I was. How we even stayed friends during adolescence was beyond me. She began drifting away from me not long after we graduated middle school.

Anyway, my last full day in Bodhum was the day right before her birthday, so we snuck out late at night to celebrate. She was turning sixteen and loathed every second of it. Fang brought a six pack of beers and a blanket with her, while I brought a small chocolate cake I'd picked up from the bakery earlier that day. She was already waiting for me when I got there, wild and untamed hair stirred gently by the sea breeze.

 **I told you no fucking cakes, Lightning.**  
  
 _But it's your birthday._  
  
She merely sucked her teeth and turned her back on me. We walked along the beach until she found a spot she deemed suitable. We were close enough to the shoreline that the incoming tide barely nipped at our toes.

I pushed two candles into the small cake and lit them, but I didn't sing to her. She blew out the candles and took a swig of beer without sparing another glance at me. Fang always seemed to abhor birthdays. She mentioned if she were back in Oerba there would be some great three day fest to celebrate her emergence into womanhood. I knew she was bitter even if she didn't say it.

With the cake forgotten, we lay on our backs watching the night sky rotate overhead. Stars always seem brighter on nights when you know your life is going to change when the sun comes up again. Fang pressed a lukewarm beer into my hand, but I never opened it.

**I can't believe you leave in the morning. Fuckin' sucks.**   
  
_You can always come visit me._

She laughed. **Wha? You kiddin, right? In Luxerion? I'd sooner kill myself than spend one minute in God's town. Probably'll burn up before I even step foot inside of it.**

_I don't think it'll be bad, Fang._

**That's because you believe in some of that junk.** She took another swig of her beer and shook her head. **I don't.**  
  
I knew she didn't want to talk about it so I didn't respond. We merely existed in companionable silence with the waves rolling in and out. I had no problem with silence even if Fang did at times. I don't think there are enough words to describe how much we wanted to say that night. Neither of us wanted to admit that even though this wasn't the end, it sure as hell felt like it.

She ended up dragging me into the water, clothes and all. We floated side by side, letting the waves cradle our bodies as if we were weightless. Fang's hand reached for mine in the cold, depths of the summer sea. I didn't protest because this is what she wanted. I'd let her have whatever she wanted on her last night with me because I would be gone by dawn.

**You think we'll float away if we try hard enough, Light? Think anyone'll even care that we're gone?**

_I don't know._ I wanted to tell her something, but I never knew what to say.

**They only miss you when you're dead. This is like that book we had to read in 8th grade. You remember it? The Awakening? It was that piece of shit story where the main character kills herself by walking into the sea in the end. Ha, what an idiot.**   
  
_I didn't think it was that stupid. …She was in pain and didn't know how to deal with it. Sometimes… sometimes maybe death is the better alternative._

**You serious?**   
_  
If your suffering is so great that you can't possibly fathom it ever getting better, then, yes._

**That's a pretty grim look on things, don't you think?**

I wanted to tell her that it was. …But I didn't think so. Not at that point in life at least.

-x-

I woke up on the floor of Fang's bedroom with her pacing back and forth behind me. She was currently half dressed in her underwear and a a white button down shirt. She appeared to be looking for something because she would pause every few minutes to rummage around on her desk and then dresser. Eventually she walked off while yelling Vanille's name and left the room. I pushed myself up into a sitting position and pulled the blanket thrown over my shoulders up over my chest. Fang must have thrown it over me this morning.

She came stomping back into her room a few minutes later with a pair of black shorts in her left hand and black heels in her right, "Oi, look who's up. If it isn't my neurotic yet lovable best friend." Fang walked past me and threw the shoes onto the floor, "How's the floor feel? Was it comfortable enough for you last night?"

"Did you put the blanket on me last night?"

"This mornin'." She answered, "Saw you shivering like a lunatic and figured I could be nice, yeah?"

"…Thanks." I mumbled, turning my eyes away as she began shimmying into her shorts, "Where are you going?"

"To work—" She paused and threw her head back to look at the clock on her nightstand, "—or I'm gonna get fired if I don't hurry my ass up." Fang turned around just as she buttoned her shorts and pulled a clip from between her teeth to jam into her hair, "Vanille'll be leaving soon, too. You're gonna be okay by yourself? I'll leave my keys for you in case you wanna get out."

"You trust me by myself?" I asked as she sat down on the bed and pulled her shoes on, "I could easily run back to Luxerion in the time that you're away."

"Hm, yeah. You could. But, I don't think you'd do something so stupid as to come all the way down here and turn around and head back home in one day." She cleared her throat, "Anyway, I gotta get going. Raid the kitchen if you get hungry. I'll have Vanille leave some money for you if you decide to order out or whatever. I honestly don't know what's in the fridge. Gotta do grocery shoppin' soon or somethin'."

"You're rambling."

"Damn right I am." Fang said, walking over to her dresser and retrieved her earrings from a small tin box. She turned her attention on me just as I stood up and began tucking her duvet in around her bed, "All right. I'm off. With luck I'll be back around four this afternoon, unless the bloody bastards decide to extend me."

"You still working at the boutique?" I asked, smoothing the duvet down and then reached for the discarded pillow on the floor, "I thought you were a TA now."

"Yeah, but that doesn't exactly pay the bills, you know?" She picked up her bag by the door and turned to wave at me one last time, "Later."

Her bedroom door slamming muffled my response and I heard her yelling something to Vanille before slamming the front door of the apartment. It was quiet except for what sounded like the dull hum of music coming from downstairs. I stripped down and went to take a shower first. There's something about the feeling of steam against your skin and in your senses first thing in the morning. It clears the mind, washes away the guilt of whatever you felt during the night so you can begin anew. Get rid of the dirt, get rid of the filth.

After I got dressed, I went downstairs to find Vanille immersed in her tablet with a plate of eggs and some red liquid in a glass in front of her. She immediately picked her head up when she heard me shuffle in from the living room and smiled brightly as I stood in the archway of the kitchen.

" _Lightning_!" She beamed, setting the tablet down and hopping off her bar stool. Vanille opened up her arms as if inviting me to hug her and she dropped her hands when she saw I wasn't budging, "Oh. Right. Maybe that's not the best way to greet you… Fang _did_ say you were funny about bodily contact."

"Yeah? And what else did Fang tell you?"

Vanille shrugged and crossed her arms behind her back, "Not much." She grinned, "I'm glad you're staying with us for the summer though. It'll be fun."

Yeah, _fun_. I glanced toward the refrigerator, "…Should I go out? Fang didn't know if there was anything edible in here."

Vanille immediately opened the fridge and shook her head, "Well, there are some eggs and some bread you can use for toast in here." She glanced at me, "We only have tomato juice though… want me to make you a Blood Mary?"

I steeled myself and crossed my arms over my chest, "I don't drink."

"Oh, _well_ then." Vanille appeared to bristle slightly at the tone of my voice and sat back down, "I'm about to leave in a few… Fang left me with some money. Do you wanna go out for breakfast?"

"…That might be the better alternative." I said, "How are you drinking alcohol so early in the morning?"

"…Hangover." She answered cheerfully and without any shame as she dug into her front pocket. She pushed the money over the table and I pocketed it without another word, "Well, that's it. …You won't get lost, will you?"

"I'll manage." I mumbled and turned away without another word.

-x-

Yusnaan reminded me of Bodhum in so many ways that it made my heart ache with nostalgia. I walked its vibrant streets lost amongst a sea of people. Luxerion was so muted in its black, grays and whites. Yusnaan was bursting with a static cacophony that hadn't reached my ears in over eight years and I was finding it hard to focus my energy into something solid. It was too lively, too bright and too colorful.

There were too many sights and sounds and smells. Too many people, too many children playing, too many mothers shopping for the greatest bargains, too many fathers lost in the monotony of daily work. I found myself in a sea of stalls and vendors, each trying to grab my attention and get me to buy something that I clearly didn't need. I bought an iced tea at one vendor and found myself meandering into a bookstore not too far away from Fang's apartment. Well, this city wasn't completely depraved.

When I was a child, I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to construct stories in my mind and share them with the world. I never really cared how many people I reached … just that someone read what I had to say. My mother always said I had a vivid imagination … although it grew dim and seemed to dull as I aged. Probably because I had to grow up sooner than I liked. Reality became more important than fantasy over time.

I never stopped reading though. Reading has and always will be a pastime of mine that I could never give up. I've probably collected more books in my lifetime than I ever could with friends. …Books were simple things. They didn't force you to do things you never wanted to, never expected you to talk and socialize when you didn't feel up to it. I've always been a solitary person and found more solace reading a book than I could ever by talking to someone. Well, maybe except with Fang. But she's another story all together.

When we were kids she used to always make a fuss about how I never wanted to go outside with her and climb trees and tear holes into my clothing. I'd rather watch her tumble from the branches of an old and rotting tree while I read in the grass below her. Fang broke both her arms and her left leg before we even hit the age of ten.

Of course, I wasn't always unperceptive of her wants. I'd rough house with her occasionally when I saw fit. I had a little sister to look out for after all and boys were stupid and fights were many. It didn't take long before I became more of Serah's bodyguard than her older sister. Fang wasn't far behind. She got suspended from school one day in elementary school because I was sick at home with the chicken pox and someone was messing with my sister again. Apparently she head butted some kid, knocked his tooth out and had the indent in her forehead to prove it.

It's weird how I can connect so many of my memories to Fang. Honestly, prior to her moving to Bodhum, I never really had that many friends. My sister was always the social one while I stayed closed off and secluded in the background. It was a miracle that Fang was able to worm her way into my heart as she did. …She was charismatic where I was awkward, loud where I was quiet, abrasive where I was patient. They say opposites attract and we were just that.

My mother never really approved of our friendship, but she let me have it for the sake of having a friend. She was always worried about all the time I spent by myself when my father died. And even if Fang was trouble more times than not, she allowed our relationship to blossom and stabilize over the years.

Thinking about it now… I guess I owe a lot to Fang in more ways than one. She didn't have to do this. I didn't have to come here… but obviously she sees something in me that she can fix. Or something. I don't even know. Maybe we've just been apart for so long she just wants me near her again. Maybe this has nothing to do with Luxerion and religion and all that other stuff that she likes to vehemently protest and denounce. Maybe this is just about us rekindling a fading friendship. Maybe, _maybe_.

Maybe?

-x-

"Hey, Fang?"

I was lying on my back, staring up at the sky as it faded to dusk with Fang sitting by my side. It had been two weeks since I arrived in Yusnaan and I didn't feel any different in the short time that I had been here. Most of my time was spent lounging around Fang and Vanille's apartment until they came home from work and took me out to eat. Sometimes Vanille or Fang cooked; mostly we just ordered out to avoid the hassle.

Fang pulled on her cigarette and tilted her head back to exhale. "Yeah, Light?"

I tilted my head back so I could look at her, "Why do you think people fall in love with tragedy?"

The smoke from her cigarette wafted into the air and curled around her pensive state, "You mean why do people like fucked up stories?"

"If that's the way you want to put it."

"Asking the wrong person here, Lightning. I ain't no psych major, I study god damn plants." Fang sighed and tapped her cigarette off the side of the balcony, "I guess its cause people like seeing shit that's more fucked up than they are. Think about it. No one wants to be called crazy, right?"

"Most people."

"Yes, most people. I'm a special case." She said, chuckling, "Why do you ask?"

I shrugged, "Just thinking about some things. …Do you remember the night of your 16th birthday?"

"You mean mornin'. You left the mornin' of my birthday." She flicked the cigarette again, "But, yeah. What about it?"

"Well, you asked me if I ever thought anyone would care about us leaving. We could have easily floated away in the ocean that night if it weren't for the Security Regiment catching us on the beach."

"I think you're remembering things a little differently than I did. _I_ got caught. I told you to make a run for it." Fang laughed again, "My ma was so pissed off that morning when those morons brought me to my door. Serves her right though."

"My mom used to hate when I hung out with you, you know?" I said, "Always said you were too wild and rough. Young ladies weren't supposed to act like you did."

"Well I wasn't ever trying to be a lady, so I'm glad she disapproved."

"Hm." I mused and finally sat up. "Fang, what happened to you back then?"

"Whaddya mean, what happened?" She tossed her cigarette off the balcony and wiped her hands on her shorts, "You talking about when I went buck fucking wild when we started high school?"

"Yes."

"Everyone changes, sweetheart."

"Not in the way you did."

Fang sighed low and hard before she looked at me, "…I guess you could say I got a little taste of something that I couldn't let go."

"What do you mean by that?"

"That it's something I don't think we should be talking about right now." She stood up and obscured the view of the setting sun behind her, "Anyway, I gotta get going. Not gonna be in until late, so don't wait up. You gonna be all right with just Vanille tonight?"

"You mean she's not going out?"

"Nah, I asked her to stay in and look after you for tonight."

"I'm not a child." I said, falling back onto the pillow I had been laying on.

"I don't know about that." Fang replied as she stepped over me, "She'll be downstairs if you need here. Try not to fall asleep out here, ya hear? I don't want you bitchin' to me about bug bites when I get in."

-x-

I was awake when Fang came in at close to four in the morning. Vanille had long since gone to sleep and I was wracked with insomnia. I'd gone from pacing across Fang's room with the lights off, to trying to center myself through prayer. Eventually I settled for sitting outside on her balcony staring down onto the streets below until she came home.

As soon as her bedroom door shut, I could hear Fang muttering my name as she advanced toward the doors leading out to the balcony, "Lightning, what in the hell are you still doing up?"

I turned to look at her as she stood in the opening of the doorway with her hands on her hips. I shrugged my shoulders, "What are you doing out so late?"

"I'd say touché, but I won't."

"You just did." I muttered, "Where were you, Fang? The sun's almost up."

"Nowhere that you need to worry about." She said, "What's wrong with you? Can't sleep if I'm not here?"

" _Don't_ change the subject." I said.

"What? You worried about something happening to me?" Fang asked, "Vanille knew where I was. She always does, even if you don't. So stop worrying about me, okay? I can take care of myself."

"You always say that to me." I murmured, before standing up and brushed my pants off, "You know, I don't know how you expect me to trust you this summer if you're not willing to share a little part of yourself in return." After all, hadn't I told her what a filthy pedophile I was?

"This ain't got nothing to do with trust, Lightning." Fang said, "It's just not important."

"Well I consider it to be."

"Lightning, it's four in the god damn morning and I'm _tired_." I could tell she was already losing her patience with me, "Can you go get in my god damn bed and drop this shit already?"

"What? Just like you told me to drop what I asked you about earlier today when I was actually willing to talk for once?" I laughed sardonically, "Fang, this is a joke. I can't do this. I can't stay here with you in Yusnaan if you're just going to let me fester like an unhealed wound in this apartment of yours. I don't know what your plan is or what you're trying to do, but this isn't working." I looked away from her and shook my head, "I'm going back to Luxerion."

"And what?" She asked, moving aside so I could walk past her, "Go and pray with the God squad all day? That it?"

"Yeah." I said, folding my arms over my chest, "That's what I'm going to do. It's a hell of a lot better than wasting my time here in Yusnaan surrounded by filth and sin everywhere I look."

Fang sighed as she closed the balcony doors behind her, sat down in her desk chair and let her legs slide out in front of her, "This is how you solve everything, ain't it? Runnin' away because you're too confused and lost to try and work through things like a normal human being?"

"Cause that's what _you_ did, right?" I asked, whipping around to face Fang, "That's why you left Bodhum to go back to live with your father in Oerba, right?"

" _Lightning_." There was a warning in her voice that I didn't care to pay attention to.

"Or we can't talk about that either, Fang?" I asked, "We can talk about how much internalized rage and hatred I have for myself, but we can't talk about where you went wrong, too?"

"You're digging up shit that's better left in the past."

"And what? You think I can't handle it?"

Fang began chewing on her bottom lip and turned her gaze on the slowly lightening sky beyond her windows. She swiveled around in her chair, stood up and slowly began walking over to where I was sitting with my arms crossed over my chest. Her eyes were downcast as she flexed her hands over and over again. Perhaps there was a beginning imbedded somewhere within their groves.

"It's not that." Fang said, her voice low and her accent almost unrecognizable.

"Then what is it?" I asked, "I already told you about that thing with Serah. Is it so hard for you to open up to me and answer a simple question of _where_ were you? So what if Vanille knew where you were—"

"Lightning, stop. I'll tell you, okay?" Fang sighed and flexed her hands again. "…When I was fourteen … when I was fourteen I started having sex. And no, I wasn't raped and ain't nobody touch me when I was little. None of that clichéd bullshit happened to me."

"Well, what happened?" I asked, "That can't be all there is."

"You don't always need a reason to have sex, Lightning. And I never did." She shrugged her shoulders, "I lost my virginity to this guy I met on the beach. He was seventeen, I'd just turned fourteen. I was curious and he was more than willing to comply."

"…How long did you even know him for?" I asked.

"Does it matter? It wasn't about love, never was." Fang replied, "Anyway, after that I started doing it a lot more with other guys… mostly with ones way older than I was. They were disgusting, the whole lot of them. Fucking with a teenage girl like that. But, I thought I liked it back then. I felt like … men were such idiots and they were constantly using women for however they saw fit, so why couldn't I?"

"But you were a _child,_ Fang." I protested, resisting the urge to grab her hand.

"Yeah, think I didn't know that? Shit. I didn't really understand the gravity of my situation until I realized…" She gripped the sheets of her bed between her fingers and glanced down at her abdomen, "…Well, let's just say my insides won't be functioning in the way that your _God_ wants them to anymore."

I knew what she meant, but I was afraid to ask. "…Fang?"

"I was fifteen the first time _it_ happened. …The man I was seeing was nearly forty." She stood up and began pacing in front of where I sat, "Back then, Ma was going through some financial problems and couldn't really support us like she had been in the past. So I had to seek money from elsewhere…" When Fang saw the look I was giving her, "Call it what you will. You know the name for it."

"You _sold_ yourself to a grown man? Is that what you're telling me right now?" I asked, unable to believe the words coming out of her mouth, "Your mother was in a precarious financial situation and you saw the only way out by _selling_ yourself?"

"I said to call it what you will." She said as she turned her back to me, "At any rate, I got pregnant."

"…And I'm guessing you took care of it?" I asked, "Is that what you're alluding to?"

"Didn't just happen once. Happened twice after you left. Different guys, different circumstances." She shrugged her shoulders and still didn't turn around to face me, "…That's not what did me in though."

"Then what _did,_ Fang?"

"You're a smart girl, Lightning. What type of fun stuff can you catch from unprotected sex with multiple partners?"

There was a thick silence that hung in the air. Fang still had her back to me with her arms crossed over her chest. I was staring down at her bedroom floor, my hands fisted tightly within her sheets. I couldn't process the words that were coming out of her mouth. Maybe it was too soon for us to be having this conversation. Maybe I had made a mistake telling her to open up about this.

"…Feel any better now?" She asked me when I didn't respond to her question, "That answer your questions?"

"…Why didn't you tell me?" I said, "Why didn't you _tell_ me that you were struggling back then. I would have found some way to help—"

"Lightning, stop." Fang finally turned back around to face me, "What's done is done. I can't take back the past and neither can you. I couldn't have that shit on your conscience. Trying to help me out when I couldn't even help myself? I'd have sooner died back then than admit that I couldn't care for myself."

"But that's what friends _do,_ Fang. They're supposed to help each other out when times are rough." I protested, "Look at what you're doing right now. You've got me locked up in Yusnaan because you're afraid I'm going to implode if I spent one more minute stuck in Luxerion."

"But there's a difference between you and I. I did what I had to do for survival. And sure, it cost me something in the end… something that I'll never get back. But I had to do it."

"So you're saying it was the right thing to risk your body, your _life_ for survival?"

"Yeah." She said, "Sure, I mean. I'm clean, but I've got scars in places that'll never heal. Physically, of course. But it's what I was willing to trade for my current path in life."

"That's nonsense." I said, "That's complete and utter nonsense and you know it."

"What was that little saying of yours? It's not a matter of do or don't—"

"— _Can_ or _can't._ There are some things in life you just do." I corrected her and rose to my feet, "But there are some things in life that you _shouldn't_ do."

"I consider things on a case by case basis. …Or life by life basis. Everyone's got a different path to take. Mine was just rockier than most."

"Fang."

"It's late." She began, moving forward to gaze up at the sky again.

"Fang, listen—"

"I ain't mad." She said, as she scratched behind her ear, "Just think that we talked enough for tonight. You don't sleep. You need to learn what it is to lay your god damn head down and close your eyes for a few hours."

"You've said that before, you know? And I'm not tired."

"You never seem to be tired." She said, "What? Is there something about you and the nighttime that I should know about?"

God _damn_ she was perceptive. I stalled, grabbed my arms and wordlessly turned away from her to move toward the bed again. I assume she took my silence as an answer because she sighed and began scratching her head again.

"Guess there is. But, you don't want to tell me just yet, right? That's all right." She paused, "You ain't afraid of the dark though, right? I'll buy you a nightlight if you are."

"Humorous, Fang." I said as I sat down on her bed, "Bhunivelze only sees light. In the darkness there lies temptation and you know that I fear falling, I have _always_ feared falling. …So I keep myself bound."

"… _Bound_?"

I'm pretty sure she thought I was crazy already, so what did it matter telling her any of this stuff? "There is a needle, Fang, and it pulls a red thread. It keeps me secure and it keeps me in line. It winds itself over my wrists and punctures my flesh to remind me that I must not stray. Because if I do, _he_ will surely see and punish me."

"Sure he will." She muttered, "You and every other sinning person on this planet."

"…That is why you must repent during the night. And when the morning light comes, he will forgive you and pardon your sins once again."

"So it's an endless cycle of stupidity again?"

"No, of redemption."

Fang stared long and hard at me. "…Lightning?"

"Yes?"

She patted me on my thigh, "Go to sleep, sunshine."

"You asked so I told you."

"Yeah and you're spouting nonsense again, so go to sleep." She pulled back, "I'm gonna go shack up with Vanille for the night. I'll see you in the morning."

As I watched her walk across her room and head for the door I called her name, "Fang?"

"Yes, Lightnin'?"

"After all of this, you still won't tell me where you were tonight?"

She paused before her hand grasped the knob to the door. "Maybe one day I'll have Vanille show you. For now, that's my secret just like I'm sure you still have yours. Now, _goodnight_ , love." And without another word she headed for downstairs and let the door shut softly behind her.

-x-

"I think we should go out." Fang said as she rolled her desk chair back and crossed her arms over her chest, "Things got too depressing last night … and I'm sick of you laying around my apartment reading books and aimlessly moping about all the time. We need to pump some life back into you."

"Where?" I asked as I stared aimlessly at her ceiling. I'd been in one of those moods again where I just wanted her to stop talking and let me mutter mantras under my breath. They were soothing in ways that her loud, abrasive voice wasn't.

"The hell do you mean _where_?" She stood up and kicked her chair back, " _Out._ It's Friday. Where would you go on a Friday night?"

"You mean a bar?"

"Or a club. Depending on the mood." She pocketed her hands and leaned forward, "Come on, Lightning. You haven't left this apartment to do anything besides eat and shop around for books. And I'll be damned if you stay inside for the entire summer."

"I don't drink, you know that."

"Yeah, well. I'm not asking you to get trashed. Just act like a normal twentysomething year old and let go for one night."

"Age should not determine my proclivity for certain activities."

"Lightning, for _Etro's_ sake stop being such a god damn killjoy and just say yes. Just say you'll come out with your longest friend and have a night out on the town!"

"I don't feel well." I mumbled.

"Bullshit."

"I don't have anything to wear."

"You can borrow somethin' of mine."

" _Fang_."

" _ **Lightning**_."

I pushed myself up so I could look at her, "Why are you trying to push me to do something I clearly want no part of?"

"Because there's somethin' about dancing under flashing strobe lights to mind numbing techno with a bunch of sweatin' and jumping bodies that feels right from time to time." She said, "Yeah, not the most appealin' thought, I know. But, Lightning. Come on."

"I can't dance."

"You don't need much rhythm to dance to techno." Fang replied, reaching for my hand. "And everyone's too drunk to care about how you're dancing anyway."

"This isn't going to _work_."

"Look, I promise you if you're _that_ uncomfortable I'll bring you back within an hour of being there."

"That's too long."

"An hour is a sufficient amount of time to get drunk and score in the bathroom if you're lucky."

"You would know, huh?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at her and snatched my hand away from her slowly creeping fingers. "Fine. _Fine_ , Fang. You can have your way for tonight if you feel like this will make amends for how weird things got last night. Pick out something for me to wear and I'll give you your hour."

"You serious?"

"Fang. _Don't_ make me change my mind."

"Great, it's settled then." She hopped up, "I'm gonna go get Vanille."

"I thought it was just going to be the two of us?"

"Would you _like_ it to be just the two of us?" Her grin turned slightly amorous.

For some reason I felt my voice catch in my throat and my pulse seemed to quicken at the intonation of her suggestion. I shook my head, "That's not what I'm saying. You just made it seem like this was just something you wanted us to—"

"Lightning, _Lightning._ I'm just joking with you. Calm down, sweetheart." She laughed, "Go hop your butt in the shower; I'll go find something for you to wear in the meantime."

"I don't know if I trust you with this."

"I promise to keep it modest." She crossed her fingers in front of her, "…Mostly. I'll enlist Vanille for help."

"That makes me feel better already." I said as I rose to stand in front of her.

She grinned down at me and nodded her head toward the door of her bedroom as if to silently tell me to get going. I sighed reluctantly and made my way to the bathroom at her behest.


	4. rosso corsa

There is a joyous hypnotism that is found in the way that the human body is capable of moving.

Adorned in a skintight bodysuit with faux crystal and jewels, a contortionist bends their body into unbelievable shapes and smiles for the audience they are entertaining. The audience in turn claps their hands, mouths agape in wonderment at what they've just seen. Perhaps a child goes home that night, still high with excitement and tries to imitate what they have just seen.

My sister was the same way with ballet. Seeing Serah dance was mesmerizing to the point that you believed you were dreaming. I'll never forget the Christmas we went to see her in the Nutcracker. She had only just finished up her first year at the academy and already she had been picked for the role of Clara. My mother couldn't have been happier, but there was profound melancholy in my sister's eyes whenever she stepped up on pointe.

I always chalked it up to the whirlwind of our first year in Luxerion. My mother was no longer in remission and she depended on me for so much when it came to Serah. My sister pretended never to worry as she was always immersing herself in dance. She spent so many hours practicing at the bar and seeking her teachers out for extra tutelage.

I remember one time I went to sit in on one of her practices. It was autumn again and they were keeping my mother overnight in the hospital for observation. I didn't want to go back to our empty apartment just yet, so I went down to Serah's school to see if I could stick around for a bit. Serah's teachers had seen me around enough to know who I was—the silent sister of their prized pupil from Bodhum. When they were taking a break, my sister came to sit beside me, her eyes shining and her smile was wild with excitement.

C _laire, how was I?_

She was perfect as she always was, always had been. I only nodded silently in approval and grunted lowly. Serah always understood how I felt even if I never used words. She grabbed my hand and pulled me over to the window so we could watch the dying leaves falling slowly from the trees on the streets below.

 _Just between us… I want to be perfect for mom. I want you both to be so proud of me when you come see the show next month._ She grabbed my hands into hers. _I want you to see that all the sacrifices the two of you have made weren't all for nothing. I just … I just don't want to disappoint the two of you._

I would tell my sister a lie as she smiled up at me with such adoration it made my heart hurt. I would merely muss her hair and brush back the flyaway strands that had escaped from her tightly wound bun. She would swat my hand away and then wave to me as her teacher ushered everyone back into their stances to resume practice. My gaze was always fixated on her and only her. She was the only one in the room that mattered and I wanted her to know that. To _see_ that.

**_Serah, you could never disappoint me._ **

-x-

I was sitting in-between Vanille and Fang in the backseat of a taxi, watching the city speed by the windows on either side of me. They were bantering back and forth, but I was tuning the two of them out. For what seemed like an eternity, I asked myself again: _what am I doing here_?

"Why did you even decide to wear such high heels tonight, Vanille? You know you can't walk in them." Fang snickered.

Vanille pouted, shifting slightly in her seat so she could look at Fang, "I'm not going to be the shortest one in the group tonight."

"Still shorter than Lightning."

"Well she's almost as tall as you anyway."

"You sure you can even dance in those things?" Fang asked, gesturing toward Vanille's feet which she was slowly trying to hide underneath the seat in front of her, "You look like you belong on a pole, not a dance floor."

" _You're_ one to talk."

Fang was about to retort when I interrupted the two of them, "Where are we going?"

"It's a surprise." Fang answered, turning away from me to look out the window.

"You didn't tell her?" Vanille asked Fang, completely ignoring me.

" _Fang_." I warned.

"You said you'd give us an hour of your time tonight and that's all I asked of you, Light." Fang replied, turning back to look at me, "Just enjoy the fact that you look really cute tonight, you're out with us and you're doing normal things people our age do."

I glanced down at the black miniskirt that kept riding up on my hips no matter how many times I tried to pull it down, "I'm wearing clothing better suited for a three year old. This is uncomfortable."

"Better be thankful I didn't make you wear heels." Fang muttered, "Otherwise you'd be like that little dolled up tart sitting next to you."

"At _least_ I don't intimidate everyone I walk by when I enter a club."

"Yeah, everyone's probably looking for a way to drug you instead."

"First, are you two going to continue to argue the entire way? Or can you act your age? Both of you." I asked, looking at Vanille who pouted and turned away from me and then to Fang who grinned wildly at me. I saw a challenge in her eyes. Vanille might have been somewhat afraid of me, but I knew Fang never was and never would be. Next, I gestured toward the black shorts currently hugging Fang's thighs. Any shorter and they'd be underwear, "Secondly, why are you the only one wearing bottoms that completely cover your … area."

" _Area_ , Lightning? Couldn't say crotch? And anyway, I'm wearing shorts cause usually when me an' Vanille go out to these sorts of places, I'm playing the role of her semi-butch girlfriend." Fang answered.

"Works wonders." Vanille piped up as she opened a makeup compact to check her lipstick.

"Then what am I?"

"You're gonna be Fang's girl for the night." Vanille replied, "I can fend for myself if need be."

" _Excuse_ me." I said, slightly scandalized at the way Fang had begun laughing at my facial expression, "Are you taking me where I think you're taking me?"

Neither of them answered my question because the taxi rolled to a stop and I heard the meter buzz and click as our total fare was tabulated. Fang swiped her card on a monitor in the back of the taxi and thanked the driver for the ride. Vanille let herself out of the taxi while Fang paid. I immediately looked away when I saw a glimpse of ass before she slammed the door shut behind her. Was the girl even wearing underwear?

Fang reached for my hand and pulled me out along with her. I stumbled on my feet even though I was wearing simple, flat black shoes for the night. After she slammed the door shut and the taxi drove off, Fang's hand pushed along the small of my back to usher me to the sidewalk.

" _Fang_." I whispered with what felt like venom building in the back of my throat, "Did you take me to a _gay_ club?"

"Yeah." She answered, examining her nails briefly before looking down at me, "I did. _Why_?"

"You need to take me home. _Right_ now." I jabbed toward the revolving door illuminated by a blinking blue sign that read _Shiva_ overhead.

"Why? You afraid you might actually enjoy yourself tonight?"

"You _know_ how I feel about these kinds of places."

"No, I don't." She said, crossing her arms over her chest. "But, what I do know is that my best friend is closeted as fuck and is so self centered that she thinks the world is going to explode if she admits that she likes girls. She'd rather pretend to be religious and _pray her gay away_ than actually attempt to love herself because this is the way that God made her."

"But, I—"

She put an index finger over my lips, "Shh, listen to me, babe. What she also doesn't seem to realize is that there are tons of gay people all over this god damn world. Millions of them in fact. Even some of those religious elders you look up to. Pretty sure some of them like it in the backdoor more than they're willing to admit."

"Fang, please don't be blasphemous."

"Ain't tryin' to be. Just trying to get you to realize that you're _fine_ the way you are, Light. I don't know how many times I've got to tell ya that." Fang said, "If God really thought you bein' a raging homosexual was a problem I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be here telling you any of this right now."

"Fang… I just … I can't be reckless anymore because it's no longer fun and games when you get older. You get older and think, what happens when you die? What is going to happen to my soul?"

"Everyone does, hon. And do you see me worryin' my head off about it? No." She walked behind me and placed her warm hands over my bare shoulders. Fang leaned in toward my ear and her voice dropped, "Now, please. Just for one night, Light. Just let yourself go for one night. Don't believe in anything for one night, just _feel_. Okay? Can you do that for me? _Can you_?"

"I …" I glanced over my shoulder to look at her.

"Just say yes."

"I…" Her gaze was so intense I felt like she was going to burn me alive. If she didn't ease up on the pressure and stop this coil of heat from churning itself over and over again in my stomach I was going to scream. I nodded slowly and heaved a heavy sigh despite the uneasy feeling building in my chest, "Yes."

"Okay, then. That's what I wanted to hear." Fang walked back in front of me and extended her hand.

I looked down at it, "What's that?"

"My hand." She answered.

"…Am I supposed to… do you want me to take it?" I asked.

"That would be the idea, sweetheart."

"…I can't believe I'm doing this."

Fang grinned once I put my hands in hers and she gave me a gentle tug, "I can."

-x-

I shifted uncomfortably in the booth Fang had dropped me off in while she got us drinks. The club was hot and the broken, cheap leather of the seat was cutting into my thighs. Vanille was in sight, twirling around with some silver haired man not too far away from where I was sitting. I'm assuming she knew him because she screamed excitedly when she saw him as we entered the club. Fang returned to our table a few minutes later with two clear drinks for us. She sat mine down in front of me and slid into the booth so she could sit down next to me.

"…Thanks." I muttered, grabbing the drink that was mine as she already began sipping hers. "What is it?"

"Gin and tonic." She answered, "I asked that they put a little more tonic than gin in it for you, though."

I took one sip and blanched, "This is awful."

"Virgin." Fang teased, "Just sip it slowly, it'll grow on you."

"Right…" I set the drink back down and turned my gaze skyward toward the blaring lights overhead. "How can you stand this, Fang?"

"Whaddaya mean?" She asked.

"It's hot." I said, "And _loud_."

"That's the point." She said, grinning.

I pushed my straw down into my drink, "…So what now?"

"Anything you'd like." She said, gesturing toward the dance floor, "We can sit here and just scream at each other for awhile over the loud ass music. Or we can drink in solitude until you feel like getting up."

"What do you usually do when you come here?"

Fang looked down into her drink and swiveled it so that the ice clinked against the glass, "…Usually what I wouldn't be doing now."

"Huh?" I asked.

"Nothin'." She said, and looked back up at me. "I'm supposed to be a good girl tonight. Your girl in fact, so I'm a taken lady right now."

"…What you're saying is you're usually on the prowl for someone to take home?" I asked.

"Nah, just to fuck with for the night. Usually to stir up some trouble with Vanille." She smiled, though I saw a bit of uneasiness in her features, "Those days are behind me. Remember our conversation from yesterday?"

"Oh…" I murmured, "Sorry, Fang. I didn't mean to…"

"Light, calm down. I ain't mad. You didn't do anything. Just … relax." She set her half empty drink down beside mine and moved closer to me in so that our thighs brushed against one another. It made me slightly nauseous but somehow, electrified. It was an odd feeling, "Come on, _breathe_. In and out."

"I'm _fine_." I said, gripping my drink between my hands as she leaned back to rest her arms along the edge of the seat. My body language was so closed off when hers was so naturally open. It was ridiculous.

"Lightning, you're all hunched up and removed from me." She laughed, throwing her head back, "…It's kind of cute."

"There's that word again."

She tapped her nails against the worn leather behind me, "What'd you like me to call ya? Strong? Fierce? Brusque? Got any more adjectives I can't think of?"

I sipped on the gin and tonic again and sighed, "How about my name?"

"Claire?" She asked, abruptly.

I turned to look at her, " _Fang_."

"Yeah, I know. You buried Claire a long time ago." Fang said, sitting up and reaching for her drink with one hand. "We all know."

"Let's not talk about that now." I said.

"Then what should we talk about, Light?" Fang asked.

I surveyed the dance floor for Vanille and found her sitting by the bar with the silver haired man she was just dancing with. I gestured toward the two of them, "Who's that?"

Fang turned her attention to Vanille and smirked, "Oh, that's Hope. Vanille's gay boy toy."

"Huh?"

"Her best friend from college." Fang replied, "I don't know _why_ they didn't move in together when he can't seem to stay away from Yusnaan."

"Well where is he from?" I asked.

"Arcadia." Fang answered, "They used to live together while the two of them were in school over in Palumpolum. Hope got a job offer in Arcadia around the time Vanille came here to live with me."

"And I take it Arcadia isn't that far from Yusnaan?"

"About a forty five minute train ride." Fang answered, "More than enough time for him to make an appearance. He'll probably come home with us and leave in the morning if it's late enough." She shrugged, "He's a good kid though. Super smart and works with computers and whatnot. He keeps Vanille in line when I can't."

"What exactly does Vanille… do anyway?" I asked.

"Works down at the animal shelter." Fang murmured, "Always trying to bring god damn strays home even when she knows our building isn't pet friendly. Almost had us evicted for the god damn pitbull puppy she was holding captive in her room last month."

"…She really loves animals, huh?"

"She's supposed to be training to become a vet. Who knows when that's going to happen." Fang shrugged, "As for me, I'm just juggling what I can to make sure we keep a roof over our heads until I'm done with grad school. Probably'll move out to the Wildlands or something after this, who knows."

"That's fitting." I said, "You never could stay indoors."

"Man, I'd sleep outside if it didn't actually get cold around here in the winter time." Fang muttered, "Sure, it's warm year round. But it still gets pretty chilly in the winter months during the night. Still wouldn't trade it in for what you deal with in Luxerion."

"…The autumns are actually really beautiful out there." I said, sipping my gin and tonic. She was right; it kind of grew on you after awhile. "And in winter the cathedral looks ethereal … like it belongs in another world when contrasted against a foggy sky and barely shining sun. Sounds depressing… but it's really nice."

"Wouldn't know, wouldn't care." Fang said, "I try to stay out of that city as much as you wanna stay outta mine."

"What? Afraid you might be open your eyes and start to live a morally just life?"

"You gettin' smart with me, Lightning?"

I shook my head and felt the urge to smile even if it didn't come to my face. "Just turning the tables back on you."

"You _are_ getting cheeky." She glanced at my glass, "Can't be drunk, you didn't drink much."

"…I'm _letting go_ like you told me to." I said, sipping my drink again. "I guess it's not so bad here."

"You're just saying that because no one has hit on you yet." She said, "You're lucky it's my job to drive everyone away. Otherwise you would have already dragged me out of here."

"Maybe."

I sipped my drink again as I felt the bass from the stereo system pick up overhead. It was beating so loudly I could feel it hammering against my fluttering heart. Fang was quiet at my side as she finished off her drink and sauntered off to get another one. I lifted my eyes to see Vanille hanging onto Hope as he stepped down off the bar stool next to her.

She caught my eye from across the dance floor and waved. I couldn't tell if she was telling me to come here or just waving for the sake of doing so. She stepped down off her stool and met with Fang halfway across the dance floor and came with her back to the booth.

"Having fun, Lightning?!" She shouted over the music.

I shrugged my shoulders and she set her drink filled with some type of pink liquid down on the table, "It's all right."

She scooted in next to me and grinned, "Just wait, we're kind of early. I promise you the night will pick up."

"I didn't intend to stay for long." I said.

Vanille's face fell and she kicked at Fang who was leaning against the table and sipping her drink. Fang instantly whipped around when the front of Vanille's clunky heel hit her thigh, "The fuck, Vanille!?"

"What's Lightning talking about that she doesn't wanna stay long!?" She protested. "I thought we're supposed to be showing her a good night out!"

Fang rolled her eyes at her cousin and turned around, "The agreement we had about tonight is between me and Light, got it? If she wants to go home, I'm taking her. You have Hope here with you for a reason."

"But he's trying to _score_." Vanille wailed, "He just went off to the bathroom with some questionable guy. If you guys go home, _I'm_ going home."

Fang stared at Vanille wordlessly for a minute and Vanille glanced at me for a second. Something seemed to click in her mind and she looked up at Fang with what appeared to be a challenge in her eyes. Vanille said something in Oerban and Fang slammed her drink down on the table in an instant and pointed behind her. "Get your ass **out** of here."

"Touchy, Fang. _Touchy_." Vanille murmured, picking up her glass and shuffled her way out of the booth, "I'll be back. I'm gonna go check and make sure that guy didn't murder Hope."

"Yeah, get lost in the process." Fang seethed, sitting back down next to me. "God damn she can be annoying."

"What'd she say?" I asked.

"She thinks that—" Fang paused and shook her head, "Nothin. It's nothing. Just drink your drink, Light. Ignore Vanille."

"I'm curious though." I replied, "It must be partially true if it got you riled up like it did."

"It _ain't_ true. At least anymore." She said, turning to look at me.

"Hm." I titled my glass forward, "Does she know about what happened between us while we were growing up?"

"Nothin' happened, remember?"

I tipped my glass to my lips, "We've kissed before."

"It was innocent, Lightning. Just something that happened between friends."

"You said that before when I told you about Serah." I said, "Are you just telling me this so I'm less disgusted with myself?"

Fang balled her fist up and shut her eyes. I'm pretty sure I was getting to her with my questions. "No, because I'm disgusted with _myself._ "

"That's impossible. You have everything figured out, don't you?" I asked, pushing my drink across the table toward her. I couldn't keep my patronizing tone out of my voice, "Mind getting me another drink?"

"Yeah. That'd probably be good right now."

She got up and moved away from me. I leaned back and watched the strobe lights twirl again overhead. I guess this is what alcohol does to people. How in the world did the atmosphere become so weird in just a few minutes? There was something Vanille understood and knew about Fang that I didn't.

And it wasn't just the whole thing about where she was last night. I think it had to do with why she wanted to bring me to Yusnaan in the first place. She said she was just doing it to be a good friend, wasn't she? That's what I should believe right? She always did everything for me because she was being a _good_ friend. I never doubted that. But, there was something in Fang's heart that she was afraid of showing me. …Or maybe she just thought it was better that I didn't know.

Fang returned a few seconds later with another drink for me and set it down in my hands. I thanked her and sat up in the chair to take a sip from the glass. "This one's stronger, huh?"

"Hm?" Fang asked, absentmindedly. "Maybe. Seemed like you liked the first one so I thought maybe you could handle more."

I shrugged, "I think I like it better this way."

"Yeah?" She asked, turning to look at me.

I nodded and she didn't turn away. Fang's always had this intense gaze in her eyes. It's clichéd, but she really is like a hunter stalking her prey. There's this type of air about her that's just natural and untamed. And I don't think she tries to act that way. It's just who she is.

I felt her move closer to me in the seat and I found myself unable to look away at that moment. The lights flashing overhead made the highlights on the tips of her hair stand out more. An auburn color that she always claimed was natural even when people thought otherwise.

"You know…" She began, her voice suddenly low. I could barely hear her over the synthesized music, "…You do look really nice to tonight. …Beautiful even. Anyone ever tell you that?"

"Only you." I replied, "Maybe my mother during formal occasions."

"You should wear your hair back more." Fang said as she reached back to tuck a stray strand of hair behind my ear, "Can't believe we actually got you to come out with it like you did."

I shrugged, "I rather keep it how it is."

"Why, so you can hide behind it?"

"No, I just…" I looked up at her, "…I can't have a preference for how I wear my hair now?"

Fang laughed, "I'm just messin' with you, sheesh."

"I never know with you."

"Yeah? And what's that supposed to mean?" Fang asked.

I shrugged, "Nothing really." I ran my finger along the condensation collecting on the glass, "I have to thank you, Fang."

"For what?"

"For this." I said as I picked my head up to look out at the club scene before us, "I would have never had this back in Luxerion. You're right. It's kind of nice to have this, I guess. I wouldn't do it often, but this is more than enough right now."

"You change your mind?"

I shook my head, "I think … I think it's just nice being somewhere with you. That's what I'm trying to say."

"Oh, well. Sure." Fang shrugged, "I knew you wouldn't dream of anyone else, Lightning."

"Modest." I felt the urge to laugh for some reason, "…Maybe we can go dance soon?"

"You feel like dancing now, huh?"

I pressed a hand to my chest, "I can feel the beat in my heart. It's almost like it's trying to take over. …And the lights are hypnotizing. They paint everything in a different light, don't they? It's kind of weird that this is another world within a world." I murmured, "Everyone is in here for different reasons and doing different things…"

"Light, are you drunk?"

"My head feels kinda heavy…" I said, "But, I don't think I am."

"You're awfully talkative." Fang smiled.

"Do you want me to stop?"

Fang shook her head, "No, I like when you talk. Go on, tell me what's on your mind."

"It's hot…" I said, "Can we go outside first?"

Her smile intensified and she reached for my hand, "Sure, let's go."

-x-

"We used to sneak out a lot and do stuff like this when we were kids… didn't we?"

Fang put a black cigarette between her lips and lit it, "Going out to _clubs_?" She asked, "Uh, I may have been running around and spreadin' my legs for every guy I met when I was fifteen, but I sure as hell wasn't sneaking into no god damn gay clubs."

"I _mean_ sneaking out." I said.

"Oh," Fang exhaled a cloud of smoke, "Yeah, well. Of course. You kiddin' me? Half the fun was getting back in without getting caught."

"There was one time my mother almost did." I said, "I came back home to find Serah sleeping in my bed. Sometimes I think we babied my sister more than we realized because she'd always want to sleep with me when she had a bad dream."

"You always _were_ her protector." Fang reminded me.

"…Yeah, if you want to call it that." I shook my head, "Anyway this story isn't long. My mother came into my room and found me trying to tug Serah out. Thankfully I was already in my pajamas at that point. I lied about going to the bathroom or something and found Serah in there by time I got back."

"And she bought it?" Fang asked.

"I think so." I shrugged.

She tapped the ash of her cigarette off onto the floor, "Ma was always yelling at me for somethin' in those days. We've got a pretty decent relationship now, but it was really rough back then."

"Did she… did she ever found out about what you were doing?"

Fang nodded her head solemnly, "…She had an idea. Brought it up sometimes and I always denied it." She paused, "Well, anyway. She had to pay for my last … _procedure_ , because the guy I was seeing left me high and dry and I didn't have the money to shell out for that type of thing. I didn't really learn my lesson though, cause I fucked around a couple of more times. It wasn't long before I started feeling kinda funny down there and she took me to the doctor and… well…"

"You don't have … you're not … _positive_ … are you?"

" _No_ , no. Light, no. I'm not… I don't have HIV." Fang vehemently shook her head, "I'll spare you the details but I had another little nasty bug that worked its way into my insides and screwed everything up. …My mother cried when they told her I'd probably never be able to have a child."

"…Fang."

She waved her cigarette clad hand around, "Either way, I decided it was best for me to go live with my father. I'd basically failed everything that school year and I couldn't deal with Bodhum anymore. But, I'm better now. So that's all that matters, right?"

I shrugged, "I guess." I watched Fang exhale a cloud of smoke again and I nodded toward her hand, "What is that?"

She raised her hand, "This?"

"Yeah. Is that a cigarette?"

"It's a kretek." She said, "But, yeah. It's a clove cigarette."

"What's the difference?"

"Just got clove in it." Fang replied, "They're popular back home. To be honest I prefer these to the regular shit I smoke. Still kills ya either way."

"…It smells nice."

"Don't it?" She raised an eyebrow, "You want one?"

I shook my head, "…No, I don't smoke."

She removed it from the side of her mouth and held it out to me, "You said the same thing about drinkin' and look at you, tipsy as I don't know what."

I took the clove away from her and observed it. I could see faint traces of her red lipstick on the filter. This was so unhygienic on so many levels. Fang gestured toward me and I shrugged as I placed it between my lips. "Like this?"

"Not… so…" She grinned, "Light, get loose. Loosen up. Relax your mouth. Pout it… yeah, okay. …Not so much lip."

"What the hell."

"Just pull."

I coughed immediately after inhaling the smoke into my lungs and nearly dropped the cigarette as I pulled it away and handed it back to Fang. She pat me on the back and laughed as she plugged it back into the side of her mouth. "You can _have_ that. I'll stick with alcohol, thanks."

"Oh? Now you're into drinking?" She asked.

"No. But if I had a choice I'd pick the latter than the former." I sighed, "That stuff is awful, Fang."

"To each their own." She said, taking one last pull before throwing the clove on the floor and stepping on it with her ankle boot.

"…So, Fang… I'm curious?"

"About a lot of things it seems. I should get you to drink more."

"Yeah, I don't think so." I crossed my arms over my chest, "What are you exactly?"

"Well, a mutt for one." She said, "You already know that I'm half and half. The best of both worlds."

"I'm not talking about your ethnic origins." I said, "I mean …"

"Sexuality?" She shrugged, "Not into labels. Don't really know. Don't care to question it."

"Is it really that easy?"

"Well, no." She said, "But, I just like to fuck."

"Guys and girls?" I asked.

"And everything in-between. It happens."

"...You know I wish I could be like you are sometimes…" I began walking in a slow circle in front of her, "It would be so much easier if I could go back to how things were before we moved out to Luxerion."

"I've been saying that for years." Fang muttered as she reached into her back pocket and pulled out the pack of cloves again.

"…But, I can't really blame Luxerion… things were messed up even before I left Bodhum."

She paused in lighting up and looked at me with a questionable expression, "…Light, there something you wanna tell me?"

I shook my head, feeling a pressure building in my nose as I turned away from her. I didn't need to think about _that_ just yet. I was supposed to be out having a good time with Fang. Not thinking about moments in the past that had fucked me up, rather than me fucking everything up. "No… I want to go back inside. …I need another drink."

"You sure? You just had two."

I nodded. "At the very least… I want to go back inside. I'm fine now."

She pushed her unlit clove back into the black box, "You sure?"

"Yeah."

-x-

Fang tried to twirl me out onto the dance floor the minute we stepped back in the club, but I told her I wasn't exactly ready just yet. The dance floor seemed to have gotten more crowded since we had last been inside. I saw Vanille and Hope sitting in our booth with another man once we stepped back inside. Fang shrugged when she saw him, saying she didn't know who he was.

Instead, she pulled me in the direction of the bar first to order two more drinks and a glass of water for me. The entire time she had been at the bar, I noticed how her arm had slowly migrated from my shoulders to the groove of my hips. When I asked her what she was doing she leaned in and whispered: _stop questioning everything_ and that was that. We sat at the bar together, me alternating between my water and third drink and Fang leaning back in her chair as she made casual conversation with the bartender.

"She's a cute one, Fang. Where'd you pick this one up at?"

"Now, now, Nix." Fang grinned, "Before you stir up some trouble, this is Lightning. An old friend from back home."

"Lightning, hm? That's an interesting name." The bartender mused as she began shaking up another drink for another patron. I turned to look at her when I heard her mention my name, "Don't see you bring many people in here besides that crazy cousin of yours. How long is she visiting for?"

"For the summer." Fang answered.

"I was dragged here against my will." I interjected, turning toward the two of them.

"Sounds like something Fang would do." Nix grinned, "How do you like Yusnaan so far, Lightning?"

"It's different." I said, "…But I guess I'm starting to like it. Different is good sometimes, I suppose."

"Yeah, it's nice. Me and my sister, Stiria—" She nodded off toward the right of the bar where a woman was standing in the DJ booth, "—were born and raised here. Never really felt the need to move, you know? It's always lively day and night and the weather is always nice. Kind of an expensive place, but it's home." She wiped down the bar in front of her, "I take it you're from Bodhum then, Lightning?"

"Originally, but I'm living in Luxerion now."

" _Oh._ " Nix said, "…That stuffy old place?"

"That's what I keep telling her." Fang muttered as she sipped her drink.

"I understand it gets a bad rep for being the center of The Order but it's really not that bad."

"Had to have been bad enough for Fang to kidnap you and bring you down here for the summer." Nix chuckled as she picked up two fresh glasses from the bar.

"Yeah, well…" I looked at Fang, "…I'm kind of glad she did."

"She says so now because she's actually enjoying herself for once." Fang said, "She told me she'd only stay out for an hour and look at her. Already on her third drink and I haven't heard a peep outta her about going back home."

"Well, I'm glad you're having a good time tonight, Lightning." Nix smiled, "I'd love to stay and chat ladies, but I've got other patrons that need my attention. Lightning, pleasure to meet you. Hope you come around again. And, _Fang,_ behave yourself."

Fang waved her off as I sipped at my water, "They know you around here, huh?"

She shrugged, "I come around enough that they do."

"Hm." I finished off the rest of my drink and I was pretty sure my tipsy was going to turn into drunk in a matter of minutes, "…Can we dance now?"

"You ready?"

"Yeah."

I stumbled off my stool as she helped me down and Fang grinned, "…You sure you ready? I think you might have had one too many, Lightning."

"I'm _fine_."

"Okay, let's go."

-x-

"Lightning." Fang's voice seemed distant against the thumping of the music against the bathroom door, "Light. _Babe_ , please. I'm sorry, that wasn't supposed to happen. Please, let me in?"

I was drunk. Drunk on fear, drunk on love, drunk on the feeling that I'd let myself slip further than I wanted to tonight.

I couldn't control my breathing and the music outside the door was rolling on like some unresolved problem that was speeding and gaining momentum with each passing moment. I looked to the red light of the bathroom swaying overhead and felt as if my entire world had just been stained with the color. There was a knock against the bathroom door again and I heard Fang calling my name. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I was supposed to open the door and let her in or keep her out like I was always intent on doing.

…She had kissed me while we were out on the dance floor. And not just one peck, I'm talking about full on, open mouth, tongues and groping everywhere. And I wasn't exactly innocent either because I had kissed her back after the first initial kiss. And it's not to say I didn't want it. I'd always wanted it, I just always denied myself from ever having it. Having _her_.

" _Lightning_."

I opened the door and dragged her in before she could say another word. I shut and locked the door behind her and turned away from Fang so that I didn't have to look at her. You see, Fang and I had this thing when we were teenagers. Not a long… _thing_. But a thing nonetheless. And it carried into adulthood. We just never wanted to admit that it was still there after all this time.

"You weren't supposed to do that. _I_ wasn't supposed to do that." I mumbled.

"I'm _sorry_. It was the heat of the moment and I shouldn't have—"

"We're not fifteen anymore, Fang."

"Fuck, don't you think I know that!" She asked, banging her fist against the door.

"Is this … is this why you brought me out here?" I asked, turning to look at her, "To seduce me? Make me another conquest?"

" _Fuck,_ Light. No. God damn. That's not what I wanted at all."

"I don't know what to do." I said, "My head feels like it's full of fish and they're swimming in every single direction. I can't breathe, Fang. I _can't_ breathe. I feel like I'm freefalling and pretty soon I'm going to hit the ground and its lights out." I gripped at my shoulders and bowed my head, "I'm tired of looking at how fucked up everything is and feeling like I can't untangle all these webs I've stuck myself in."

"…This goes deeper than the kiss, doesn't it?"

"I told you before on my first night here that I can't concentrate when I lie next to you… or when I'm with _you._ But it's more like… when I'm near you, I… my mind goes haywire." I said, "It's always been like that. I've always tried to bury myself in you so I could turn away from Serah. I thought you… I used to think of you as a means of salvation." My head was starting to hurt. "Fuck, Fang. Just _fuck_. I need to get out of here."

"…Light, come with me. We need to get you some air."

She reached for my hand and tugged me. I nearly careened into her with the force in which she dragged me out of the bathroom. I let her take me willingly. We passed through the dance floor again and stepped out into the warm, summer night. She reached into her back pocket for her box of cloves again and smacked the box against her hand.

"…I'm going to hell." I muttered, feeling the insane urge to cry for some reason. It made no sense. This whole night made zero sense. It was series of ups and downs. One minute I was happy to let go and just be in Fang's company. The next I was trying to fight what she was trying to break down.

"You're not going to hell—and I'll be damned if you start crying on me right now, Lightning." Fang seethed as she lit her clove. She pulled another one from the box and handed it to me. "Here."

I turned away from her, "I don't want it."

" _Take_ it."

I turned back around, snatched it from her hand and put it in my mouth so she could light it. "This is shit."

"Quite a filthy mouth you've suddenly picked up, yeah?"

"Yeah, like you're one to talk." I coughed on the clove and licked my lips. The flavor was nauseating. "What do we do?"

Fang sighed and stretched her arms over her head, "What do you want to do? …Besides not be condemned to eternal damnation?"

"I just… I just want to be okay." I said.

"I know you're sick of living like this."

"I _am_." I said. "But you don't understand. I can't possibly tell you why I've subjected myself to this type of torture for so many years."

"…Does it extend further than Serah? …Or did something else happen with Serah?"

"It includes Serah and more." I said, "…But I don't want to think about her tonight, Fang. _Please_ don't bring her up again tonight. It's one thing when I'm sober, but it's even worse while I'm… I'm…"

"Drunk?" She asked, "Cause you're pretty gone. I can see it in your face and you're kinda wobbly right now, you know?"

"Yeah, I _fucking_ know. God damn." I puffed hard on the clove, "Take me home?"

"You ready to go?"

"Yeah. I'm ready to sleep this off. I'm ready to forget about tonight and all this shit that happened."

"…About me kissin' you, I—"

"Fang. Let it go." I said, "I _don't_ want to think about any of this right now."

"Gotcha." She said, tossing her half smoked cigarette into the street, "I'm gonna go get Vanille and let her know we're heading back. You gonna be okay out here by yourself for a minute?"

I shrugged, "I'll live."

"Right, be back in a sec."

-x-

The world swam before my eyes and for a minute I thought I was fourteen and underwater.

I've always loved the ocean. There's something about the rush of the waves crashing into the shore and pulling at your ankles as they roll back into the deep, blue sea. They come in hard, slow down and simmer and then pull you in. There's this underlying ferocity to it all and if you're not careful, the surf will pull you down and never let you go. But I always found a way to break against it. Sometimes you have to swim with the ebb and flow of the waves. Let it cradle you and let it pull you to and fro. Learn to work with it rather than against it.

But that's not what tonight felt like. I felt like I was stuck in a deep, dark sea with six foot waves that kept crashing down on my head no matter how many times I tried to break the surface to breathe. And it was odd, because the sun felt like it was shining in a sea of grey. Like there was a light that I was trying to break through to grasp in my tired hands, but they were stuck treading the water that crashed all around me. I was tired and drained and I felt like there was no more fight left within me.

The lights of Yusnaan were the waves crashing all around us, blurs and balls of light that sped by my half lidded eyes as I pressed my head to Fang's shoulder. She was warm in the cool atmosphere of the taxi. Vanille wasn't with us. She'd left with Hope to hit up some other club that was on the strip. _Don't wait up_. Fang had said she wasn't even trying to.

So it was just the two of us in the backseat of the taxi, me with my slowly fading vision and Fang, oddly demure and quiet with nothing to say. Her hand was nearly covering mine. I wanted her to… or maybe I didn't. I don't know. I don't know if I was getting drunker or just getting tired. I only knew that Fang's shoulder was comfortable and I didn't want to leave.

"…Am I underwater?" I asked her.

"Wha?" Fang asked.

"I feel like I'm underwater." I said.

"You're just drunk, sweetheart." She chuckled, "Don't worry; we'll be home soon enough."

I sighed heavily and readjusted myself so that my face was halfway between the seat and her arm, "But I wanna stay here with you."

"You _are_ with me."

"No, not… not in your house. Like this. Just driving around like this." I said.

"…Light, you have another drink while I wasn't looking?"

I shook my head, "I think I'm just tired… and probably a little drunk, too."

"A lot drunk." Fang said, "Better make sure you drink some more water. I don't want you complaining about a hangover in the morning."

I sighed and turned my face away from the chair and pushed myself up against her shoulder again, "Why are you so warm? And comfortable? I could lie here all day if I wanted to."

"I'd like to retain some feeling in my arm, thanks. Ease up." Fang said, nudging me so I sat up for a minute. I tried to glare at her for disrupting my position but I'm sure it came out as a blank stare. It was becoming harder to control anything at that point. "Swing your legs around."

"For wha?" I asked.

Seeing as my cooperation was less than likely, Fang grabbed my thighs and maneuvered me around so that my legs were hanging across her lap. She leaned back, grabbed me around the waist and hoisted me up so I could lay my head on her shoulder again. "Now isn't that better?"

I glanced down at where her she left the top two buttons of her shirt undone, "I can see down your shirt."

"…Lightning, for Etro's sake."

I shrugged and closed my eyes, "Nice bra."

"Here you are complainin' about going to hell and now you're complimenting me on my choice in lingerie." Fang slapped her forehead with her left hand, "What is _up_ with you."

"I'm confused." I said.

"So you are."

"But you know…" I started, even though I should have stopped. "You know, I'm not confused about you kissing me back there." Fang slowly turned to look at me and I met her eyes in an instant, "Even if I say I am… even if I made a fuss about it. I did like it."

"Lightning, stop. This alcohol is making you wonky and I'm not sure I can hear this right now."

"But _you_ kissed _me_."

"Yeah, I did and I thought you said you didn't want to talk about it anymore."

"Just because I told you to stop talking about it doesn't mean I didn't like it."

Fang sighed loud and hard, "Do you know you drive me crazy sometimes?"

"As if you don't do the same to me." I muttered, turning my face inward so that I was nearly burying it in her cleavage. "Fang."

"Yes?"

"I want to do it again." I whispered, pushing myself up so that we were nearly eye and eye.

She didn't pull away as I closed the small gap between us, closed my eyes and kissed her. I had become one of those children of the night. The ones that they always called the heretics—the ones that rejected God to solely come out and worship the goddess in the night. My heartbeat was in my throat and I could hear the rush of bubbles popping in my ears like I had just jumped headfirst into the deep, dark depths of Bodhum's sea at night.

Fang didn't refuse me. She didn't reject me. She had always accepted me. And as I switched positions in the seat so that I straddled her hips in that too tight miniskirt, and leaned forward to press her body into the seat of the taxi, I knew I had stopped caring. Nothing mattered in the night, I finally understood it. It is said that Bhunivelze could never see into the hearts of humans, but he knew the sins of their minds. He abhorred us for being created from Etro… he could never understand us. Perhaps he did hate us; perhaps … perhaps Fang was right. Perhaps I was going about this all wrong… but still… _but still_ …

Fang abruptly pulled away from me just as she began to a sneak a hand underneath my shirt. "Light."

"…Why'd you stop?" I asked, trying to kiss her again but she put a hand on my chest to stop me.

"We're home." She said and I could have sworn I saw a blush on her face when I realized the taxi driver was staring at us.

"…Oh." I climbed down from off of her and looked at him, "The _hell_ are you looking at you pervert?"

Fang snickered as she got her card out, swiped and paid for our ride and opened the door so we could get out. The cool night air felt nice as I inhaled deeply and Fang stretched her arms over her head. She pulled her phone out of her pocket to check the time. "It's not even two yet."

"That a bad thing?" I asked.

She shook her head, "No, kinda early for me. I guess late for you. Come on, though."

I followed her into her building and up the four flights of stairs to her apartment while she bemoaned the lack of elevators in her building. We ascended the stairs to her bedroom and she sighed as she finally opened the door and turned on the light. I immediately shimmied my way out of the miniskirt as she kicked off her shoes.

"Well, you must be drunk. You're actually getting undressed in front of me?"

I shrugged, "This thing has been making my thighs chafe and sweat all night. This is terrible and uncomfortable. I'm taking this off. _Now_."

"Sheesh. I told Vanille it was a size too small for you, but she insisted." Fang shrugged, "Oh, well. Just toss it over there in the corner. I'll sort everything out in the morning."

I threw the skirt over by her desk and shook my feet to get out of the flats. I immediately parted the sheets to Fang's bed, still dressed in the red halter top and my underwear and face planted into the pillow. It was heaven even if my head felt like it was spinning.

"You're not gonna take off the top?" Fang asked from behind me.

I shook my head and my voice was muffled by the fabric, "No."

"God, Lightning. You're a mess when you're drunk."

"I'm never doing this again." I said.

Something cool and soft hit my head and I picked it up. Fang had dimmed the overhead lights, but my vision was obscured by something black. "It's a t-shirt." She said.

I managed to push myself up in bed, peeled the halter from off my body and tossed it over to where I'd thrown the skirt. Fang's back was to me as she was busy taking her earrings off, so I quickly slipped the t-shirt on and got into bed. She soon turned the lights off and shuffled along the floorboards to the bed.

I poked my head out from underneath the sheets and looked at the empty space next to me. For the past two weeks, Fang had been sleeping on a futon in Vanille's room, or down on the sofa in the living room. She hesitated for a minute as if she was questioning whether it was right for us to sleep in the same bed together.

"…It's all right." I murmured, "It's… it's okay if you sleep next to me."

"You won't freak out in the morning?"

"If I remember this in the morning."

"You should. …You were pretty drunk earlier, but I don't see why you shouldn't." Fang trailed off as she parted the sheets and got into bed beside me. I instinctively moved closer once she was settled in and turned to face me. "Are you going to be okay with all of this, Light?"

"What? Kissing you?" I asked, "Not like we haven't done it before."

"I know, but … we're at different points in our lives right now." She said. "You weren't always so … self oppressing back then."

I shrugged, "Do we have to talk about that right now? Do we even have to _talk_ at all?"

She shook her head and pulled me into an embrace so that her legs were tangled with mine and her arm rested over my hips again. Fang was like Etro in so many ways, I wonder if the mother goddess ever intended her to be a vessel of sorts should she ever descend upon the Earth in human form.

Her hands laced their way into my hair, unclipping pins and pulling my hair loose from where she had pinned it on the side of my head. It fell over my eyes, obscuring my vision before she tucked it behind my ear and away from my face. Fang pressed my chin up with a single finger and leaned down to kiss me again. This one was unlike the hurried and fevered way she had kissed me back in the club, or I had kissed her in the taxi. This was slow, sensual. Like Fang had all the time in the world with me to do whatever she wanted, however she wanted.

When she pulled away, she bit her lip. "…I've been thinking about something all night, Light."

"What is it?"

"…Something… something I've wanted to do for awhile now." She said, unable to meet my eyes, "Not just because of what's happened tonight."

"Well, what _is_ it?" I asked, finding myself growing slightly impatient with the way that she was dragging this along.

"I can't say it."

"Well, can you show it?" I asked, and almost immediately regretted my question.

Fang pushed herself up so that she was hovering over me and I was about to sit up as well when she pushed me back down. She reached underneath the covers to grab my right hand and I immediately jumped when I realized where she was taking me once she brushed against my thigh.

"But, clearly, I'm taking things too far right now." She said, as I pulled my hand from out of hers and snapped my legs shut. "…I'm sorry, are you okay?"

My face was burning too much to even look at her so I turned away, "We should go to sleep."

She fell back into bed and I could feel her eyes on me even when I didn't turn to look at her, "Lightning?"

I shook my head, "I just… I really think we should go to sleep." I pulled the sheets over my shoulders and buried my face into my pillow. "…Good night, Fang."

She didn't press after that and moved away from me. The sheets pulled in her direction and I glanced over my shoulder to see she had her back to me. "Night, Light."

And just like that, the magic was gone.


	5. in the ash of roses

_I set the Mason jar I held in my hands down on my desk as Fang crashed in through my window at 3AM, laughing her head off and drunk off her ass. Her crop top was falling off one of her shoulders and her shorts rode too low. She could barely keep steady on her feet as she stumbled back and braced herself against the window ledge._

_I immediately covered her mouth when she let out a whoop and nearly head butted me as she lunged forward into my arms. I stumbled backwards, back hitting the door as Fang laced her fingers into my hair and pulled me in for a kiss. She smelled of the ocean and tasted of beer, revolting and charming all at the same time._

_I began pushing her away and turned my head to the side as tried to kiss me again, "Fang, would you keep it down?"_

" _Why? You home alone, ain't ya?" She asked, settling for my cheek because she couldn't reach my lips, "You can make all the bloody noise you want."_

" _You need to go home."_

" _Can't." She mumbled, "If I come stumbling into the house now, ma's gonna chew my god damn ear out. I can't stand to hear her voice when I'm this drunk. It's like this annoying warble that doesn't go away."_

" _So you think hiding out in my room is the better alternative?" I asked, "My mother and Serah are going to be back tomorrow afternoon. You're going to have to get out either way."_

_Fang pulled away from me and waved a nonchalant hand to assuage my worries, "Yeah, whatever." She muttered as she turned around and flopped down on my bed, "You were waiting up for me, weren't ya?"_

" _Someone had to."_

_She snickered, "Oi, just say you were worried and stop being so bloody shy about how you feel about me."_

_I sighed and stood before her with crossed arms. She was currently sprawled out on her back, legs hanging over the edge of my bed, eyes closed and her arms crossed underneath her head, "Have fun tonight?"_

" _You missed the best party, shoulda come out with me." She said, "Lot of beer. Tons more bud."_

" _You say that about every delinquent gathering you try to bring me to." I said, "More guys than you can handle?"_

_She opened her eyes and stared hard at me, "More than you would ever want."_

_I walked over to my window and shrugged my shoulders, "At least I'm not rushing in through people's windows to try and make out with them in the middle of the night."_

" _You enjoy it, don't lie." Fang said, turning over on her side and pushing herself up so that she could look at me, "I'm the greatest kisser you'll ever know, Lightning Farron. And don't you forget it."_

_There wasn't an ounce of modesty within those bones. I walked back over to my desk to pick up the jar and gave it a hard shake. The glitter that had collected on the bottom of the glass instantly swirled within the water and glinted in the dim light like small, trapped fireflies, "At least you're safe." I whispered to myself as she collapsed back onto my bed._

" _Wha's that?" Fang mumbled from behind me._

_I set the jar down and shook my head, "Nothing. Let's just go to sleep, Fang."_

_She had already gotten out of her pants, thrown them down on the floor at the edge of me bed and was in the process of pulling back the sheets when I turned back around. Fang rolled herself onto the side of my bed that was nearest to the wall and I got in beside her. She instantly latched herself onto me and I didn't even bother to try and peel her off._

" _Night, Light." She murmured into my neck and hugged the side of my hip as fiercely as she could, "I love you."_

_My response was caught in the back of my throat._

-x-

I woke up the next morning feeling odd and disgruntled, which was perfect because the overcast sky matched my stormy and unexplainable mood.

To be honest, I felt like the Mason jar I had just dreamed about. My mother called them glitter jars. She used to make them for Serah and I after our father passed. You mix water and glitter into a jar with a sealable top and you're supposed to shake it up when you feel upset. I don't know, watching the glitter cascade around the jar and sparkle is supposed to calm you down or something.

Sometimes it worked for me, sometimes it didn't. Serah amassed a rainbow collection of jars that sat crowded together in a corner of her room. For some reason, she felt the need to make a new one every time she got upset. Different jars for different moments in her life, I guess. Either way, I wish I had one of those jars right now. It'd feel nice to shake something up instead of being the person who was being shaken.

I pushed the duvet off of my head and shifted in bed, only to be met with Fang's backside. She was sitting cross legged in bed and hunched over something in her lap. "Fang?" I asked and she seemed to bristle at the sound of my voice.

She turned around slowly, "Mornin'."

"Good morning…" I mumbled, "…What are you doing?"

Fang turned back around and held out what she'd been staring at in her lap. A jar full of water and glitter, "You remember this?"

I pushed myself up into a sitting position and pulled the jar from out of her hands so that I could inspect it. Same rose colored liquid, same dented and golden top. I tipped it over and saw the faded sharpie on the bottom. _CF_. "…Is this the jar I gave you when I left?" I asked, "…Fang, you _kept_ this?"

She turned around to look at me and frowned, "Hell, why _wouldn't_ I?"

I shrugged, "Why _would_ you? You're not really the sentimental type."

Fang flicked her bangs away from her forehead and I could have sworn I saw her roll her eyes at me, "Always saw it as a little piece of Bodhum that I could keep near me. One that wasn't completely destroyed by the choices I made as a reckless teenager." She got out of bed and stretched her arms over her head, "You hungry?"

"…Why are you always so quick to change the subject?" I asked.

"Maybe because unlike you, Light, I'm not trying to make things weird this morning." Fang snapped, "Now are you hungry or what?"

"No." I mumbled, turning over to set the jar on the nightstand at my side.

I sank back into bed and threw the sheets over my head so I didn't have to look at Fang anymore. I wanted to go back to sleep. I wanted an eternity of endless and dreamless sleep that was as empty as I felt. I wanted to sleep and reverse time so we could go back to last night.

I wanted to be underneath shining, blinding lights again with Fang's hands on my hips, her breath on my neck, her body pressed against mine in the most sinful way possible. I wanted her to brush my hair away from my eyes as she had did last night and just _look_ at me with that adoration she held but I always refused. I was frigid and intent on thriving in my loneliness, no matter how silent and cold it was. I'd shy away from that warmth and what it meant because I didn't deserve it. I would _never_ deserve it.

" _Lightning_."

"I said _no_!" I shouted from underneath the sheets.

Fang sucked her teeth, muttered something about my incorrigibility under her breath and closed the door to her bedroom.

-x-

I woke sometime in the mid afternoon to the sound of rain pelting the windows of Fang's bedroom and a horrible and dull aching feeling in my lower abdomen. A headache was forming behind my eyes and my stomach was gnawing at my insides, begging me to put something in my body even when I was trying to drown it out with my own stupidity. There was another surge of pain in my lower abdomen and I instantly knew why I'd been so grumpy that morning, remembering our nighttime shenanigans aside.

Fang spoke up at the sound of my muffled moan, "Lightning, you up? You okay over there?"

I threw the duvet off of my head and pushed myself up to find Fang poised at her laptop with a mug by her side, "Care to get me something so I don't bleed all over your white sheets?"

She stared at me for a minute and then realization dawned on her features. "Gotcha." She said, getting up to leave the room.

As she left, I leaned forward to hold my head in my hands. If the world didn't stop spinning, and my insides didn't stop churning I was going to explode. I'd never felt so horrible before in my _life_. I felt like I was on a merry go round, or better yet, one of those tilt-a-whirls. I was pinned to the machine, spinning endlessly in a vortex of nausea and regret. I was _never_ drinking again.

I threw up just as Fang came back in the room with an assortment of multicolored packages in her hands. She paused, her mouth half open, as she was in the process of saying something smart. She promptly shut it when she saw the way I was clutching my stomach and dry heaving onto her bed. "… _Well_ … then. So much for trying not to ruin my sheets."

I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and looked up at her with the most pitiful expression. "I need a shower."

"Was just about to go suggest it." She said, "Go on, I'll clean up the mess. Don't worry about it, love. You look a mess."

"I _feel_ a mess." I muttered as I made my way out of the bedroom and immediately turned left to enter the bathroom.

A shower was what I needed most at the moment. I needed a chance to reset. To press pause on a scene gone horribly wrong and rewind it to the point where it became salvageable. I stripped off the t-shirt and my underwear and grimaced at the sticky, sick feeling on my skin. I felt disgusting.

But, this was a purely physical form of disgust. My head ached with the regret of last night and my body was trying to teach me a lesson. _Stop being so reckless, don't dive head first into things. What about your control? What about how tightly you held yourself together in Luxerion? Don't let all of that go just because you're in the center of sin, Yusnaan._

On the emotional level, I was somewhat blank. My frustrations didn't lie with what had transpired between Fang and me last night. Except… except when we got home. That should have never happened. That would _never_ happen. I couldn't let that happen. A kiss, I could repent for that. But … but the direction that Fang almost took things in? I don't think I could deal with being placed in a situation like that ever again.

As I was standing there mentally running the night over and over in my head, Fang began knocking on the door and I felt the urge to bang my head on the shower tiles until I developed a concussion.

"Light?" She called from outside.

" _What_?" I groaned after she called my name.

"Sheesh, bite my head off why don't ya?" I heard the door open and she shuffled into the room. Her silhouette was a muddled, grey shadow on the other side of the shower curtain. "I've got some clothes here for you to change into."

"…Thanks." I muttered.

"How ya feelin'?" She asked.

"Fine." I replied.

"Mmm… I'm gonna go boil some water and make you some tea. …I guess I should try and find something to cook for you, too. …Maybe we should just order out again?"

"…Can this conversation wait until I get _out_ of the shower? Can I at least have _one_ moment to myself?" I asked, banging my head softly on the tile again.

"You getting off in here without me, Lightning?"

" _FANG_."

"I'll see you when you get out." She laughed loudly and closed the door behind her, leaving me with the slowly rising steam and pristine white tiles. I closed my eyes and imagined the water drowning me right then and there.

-x-

I was sitting in the living room with my hair half dried and an intense scowl on my face.

Fang was sitting at my side, laptop open in her lap and humming to some imaginary tune like she didn't have a care in the world. Of course she didn't. Her insides weren't waging war on each other like mine were. I sipped at my tea and scowled at the television over the rim of the mug, hoping that the woman smiling about some asinine product felt my inner wrath and slowly bubbling rage. Why was she _smiling_? There was nothing to smile about.

Fang stopped typing to look up at me and she grinned, "Looking like your old self over there, sunshine."

"You know I hate that nickname."

"Well, you're the one that earned it ever since you insisted everyone start calling you Lightning, yeah?" She yawned as she stretched her arms over her head, "Damn, my students are all sodding idiots. I just gave six F's in a class of eighteen. A third of the people in this class are completely stupid."

"They're your students." I said, "Meaning you must be a horrible professor if so many of them are failing your coursework."

"Woah, slow down. I ain't a professor just yet, honey. The correct term is _TA_."

"Whatever." I said, waving my hand.

"And it ain't my fault they're so damn dumb. God damn freshman." Fang mumbled to herself, "How you feelin'?" She asked as she closed her laptop and leaned forward to set it down on the coffee table.

I sipped at my tea, "Better than last night for sure."

"Oh?" She asked. There was almost an encouraging tone in her voice, "So… you _did_ enjoy our night out?"

"I never said I didn't." I muttered around the rim of the mug as I narrowed my eyes at the television again. How in the world did so many people sit around watching this nonsensical crap on a daily basis?

"You were moody this morning, though." She said.

"Yeah, well. We already know the explanation for that, don't we?" I asked, whipping my head around to look at her and instantly wished that I didn't. I held my forehead and winced. That shower may have washed off the grime, but I was still in pain.

"Hey, don't bite _my_ head off." She said, "Your head still hurt?"

I nodded, "Its throbbing. _Everywhere_."

"Told you not to drink so much."

"Bullshit, Fang. You _encouraged_ it." I muttered through clenched teeth, "You bought _all_ of my drinks."

"Yeah… maybe I did." She rose from the sofa and waved to me, "Hold on, I'll be back."

I set my mug down and uncrossed my legs from underneath me. A few seconds later I felt Fang's hands press down into my temples and something warm covered my eyes. I went to grab for her hands but she stopped me before I could.

"Calm down. That might help some." She said as I felt her collapse onto her side of the sofa again.

…She was right. It did feel nice. It _did_ take away some of the throbbing pain I felt behind my eyes. I pressed the cloth down with the heels of my palms and sighed again as the warmth sunk into the sockets of my eyes and spread to where I needed it most.

"Better?" She asked with more mirth in her voice.

"Yeah." I muttered, "…Feels amazing actually."

"Funny what a little bit of heat can do, hm?" Fang commented as the intercom to her apartment rang, "Must be the food."

"What'd you get?"

"Sushi." She said, "You _like_ fish, right?"

I caught the double meaning in her suggestion and sighed in exasperation, " _Yes_ , Fang. I _like_ fish."

"Good." She said, "I ordered like four different kinds. Who cares? If we don't finish it, Vanille'll eat it all. God damn glutton."

"You two seem to have quite the antagonistic relationship as of late." I said, "I don't remember you ever speaking of your cousin with such … disregard."

"Vanille's just in that special place in your early twenties where you're making tons of stupid decisions and you don't care who you hurt in the process." Fang said, "Something you never went through and I grew out of when I was a teenager. Nothing more, nothin' less."

"You're still twenty three." I removed the cloth from my eyes and flipped it over to its warmer side.

"Uh, yeah. For another month. Might as well already call me twenty four now." Fang said as she opened the door and accepted the delivery. She sauntered back over to the sofa and I heard her drop the plastic bag onto the table in front of us, "Time to eat."

I removed the cloth from my eyes and set it down on my lap. Fang pulled out a large, circular plastic container and sat it down on the table. She handed me a pair of chopsticks and I thanked her as she broke apart her own, "This feels oddly nostalgic." I murmured as I sifted through a row of salmon rolls.

"You weren't a pescatarian until you started swimming, right?"

"Not until I became competitive."

"That didn't last long did it?"

"I stopped before we left for Luxerion, remember?" I murmured, pausing at the thought of my past, "…Though I wanted to stop long before that."

Fang paused at my admission, "What do you mean by that?"

I shook my head, "Just what I said."

"I thought you loved swimmin' though? You were like a god damn fish in the water. I was pretty sure that one day you'd grow a god damn tail and swim away from Bodhum."

I shrugged, "Swimming was… swimming was a relief. But after awhile it became something …" Something tainted. Something evil. Something that I wanted to shy away from even though everyone thought I loved it so much.

"Somethin'?" She prompted as she narrowed her eyes at me, "There somethin' you wanna tell me?"

"…I'll … I'll tell you about it later. We should just eat for now." I turned to see that she was still looking at me with that same intense look of hers, "Fang, don't look at me like that."

"Well what does _later_ imply?"

"When I feel like it." I lowered my chopsticks, "I can't eat anymore."

Fang nearly spit out her food, "You kiddin' me? I ordered this _specifically_ for you."

I frowned, "Yeah, well. My appetite is null right about now."

"You've barely eaten today." She said, "Light, eat _something_."

I picked up my chopsticks and forced a roll of spicy salmon into my mouth. I blanched on the flavor of the fish and slowly chewed my way through the seaweed and rice, " _Happy_?"

"I don't _ever_ remember you being this bitchy on your period, god damn." Fang sighed.

"Well if my god damn brain wasn't trying to pound its way into my throat and my stomach and back didn't hurt so much, _maybe_ I'd be more pleasant." I snapped.

She set her chopsticks down and wordlessly reached for the lukewarm cloth draped on my thigh. Fang left for the kitchen where I heard her messing around with a few pots and pans. I called out to her, but she didn't respond, so I picked at the sushi some more while I waited for her to come back into the living room. She returned with a steaming bowl of water which she sat down on the floor by the sofa.

Fang still didn't say anything as she turned back around and headed upstairs, only to return with a long black flannel blanket. I raised a curious eyebrow when she plopped back on the sofa with the blanket gathered up in her arms. Fang turned my way, spread her legs and patted at the space between them, "Come here."

"What?" I asked, fishing around for another piece of sushi.

"Come here, back to me." She patted in front of her again when I didn't budge, "You're complaining about your body bein' all out of whack, so I'm gonna do something about it. Guess I'm partially to blame, so might as well fix it, yeah?"

"What are you going to do?"

"Give you a god damn massage if you'd just stop questioning me and listen for once."

"…You don't have to." I said as I picked up another piece of sushi.

"But I should."

I set my chopsticks down in front of me and covered the sushi platter with its clear plastic top. Fang was still waiting for me, hands pressing down into her thighs and fingers pulling tightly at her skin in agitation. She noticed me staring at her fingers and stopped. Honestly, sometimes I said and did things to rile her up. But she was the same with me. Our relationship had always been a notion of give and take… what could it hurt?

"How do you want me?"

"On your back, head in my lap."

I turned my back to her and slowly laid down so that my head rested at an angle on one of her thighs. Her skin was warm. I realized she'd been holding her breath in because her stomach slowly pushed against the crown of my head in a lazy exhale. Fang leaned over and wrung out the wash cloth that had been floating in the basin of hot water at her feet and draped it back over my eyes. The whole world went dark and her fingers slipped between the strands of my hair to press at my temples.

"Why didn't you dry off? Your hair is still damp."

I shrugged my shoulders, "It's fine enough to air dry."

She grunted, "You'll catch a cold."

"I'm fine."

Her fingers worked in slow moving circles and her thumbs slid down to where my jaw began just under my ear. The rain slamming against the window pane seemed to drown out the incessant noise of the television. Fang was oddly quiet as her fingers left my temples, skimmed over the crown of my head and worked back down to the nape of my neck. The tension I held in my shoulders seemed to melt away as she worked her way down and then back up to my temples again. I was like clay in her hands, being shaped and molded to however she saw fit.

"Tell me why you quit swimming." She said, her voice barely above a whisper.

Was that her game? Get me to relax to a point where the guard came down and the words flowed freely from my mouth? I felt an inclination to shake my head, to tell her _no._ I would tell her about those days when I was ready to. Not when she wanted me to.

"Lightning. It's just the two of us right now." Fang reassured me, fingers pulling slowly at my hairline and then pushing down again, "You're safe."

"Is that what you think this is about?" I asked. "Feeling safe?"

"Isn't that what life is about?" She asked in return. "Isn't that what everyone craves? A sense of security? Safety from the storm that rages outside their windows?"

"Is that what you were looking for all those years ago?"

"What do you think?" Fang questioned, "But I've talked about enough of my past. I want to talk about you for tonight, Light. I'll ask you again. _Why_ did you stop swimming?"

"…It's a long story."

"We have all night."

"…I don't know if I'm ready to talk about this…"

"Lightning." Her hands paused at the crown of my head again, "You know I'm not going to judge you for anything you tell me."

"It's not about being judged…" I said, "Sometimes there are things that are in your past that you don't want to think about again. I'm sure you feel that way with some of the stuff you've told me. I can't speak so candidly about things like you do."

"Well, try." Fang said, "You think it's better to just lock yourself away in your head? That it? Better to just let the pot boil and never remove the lid? You just want it to fizzle away until it becomes nothing and then you'll feel better about whatever bad thoughts are plaguing you?"

"To a degree, yes." I sighed, "Can't you accept a simple, 'I quit because I had to'? There has to be some profound reason for everything that I do?"

"Ain't sayin' that." Fang said, "All I know is you never told me why when we were younger. I know you want me to believe it's because you were leaving for Luxerion, but I know you. I _know_ it's deeper than that. Swimming was your escape and for a time… you were afraid of the water. And I want to know why, Lightning. You've kept it buried for a long time and I think it's finally time you break that little crystal jar you like pushing your secrets into and open up."

I reached my hands up to cover hers as they moved back down to my temples and she stopped, "The coach for the swim team was also my English teacher for my first year of high school. Her name was Jihl Nabaat…"

-x-

_Jihl Nabaat._

_Most people thought she was a cold and heartless woman. She was ruthless with her words and her voice could cut through even the toughest of tempered steel. But I was able to see the person that lied beneath the surface. She was stern, but her mannerisms were simply laden with tough love. She never believed in weakness, she only saw the inner strength of her students and she wanted to bring that out in us._

_My mother insisted that I do something with myself upon entering high school. I'd always been a hard working and disciplined student, but she wanted me to get out of my comfort zone and socialize with my peers. She said that if I loved swimming so much, I should refocus my energy into joining the school's swim team. I was adamant at first, but eventually broke down._

_It was fate that Jihl was my English teacher. She was one of two teachers that taught the honors classes for freshman and sophomores. It guaranteed that I'd probably spend time getting to know her, even if I wanted nothing more than to be another nameless face in the sea of confused adolescents. But … Jihl never allowed that to happen. Our first encounter out of class solidified that._

_I never went to lunch. I'd curl up with a book in the back of the stacks of the library, away from the pointless dribble of my classmates. There was nothing to gain from the petty fights of backstabbing females and lecherous, hormonal teenage boys. Superficiality and conformity never suited me well._

_Jihl found me one day in early October. I'd been working my way through something new, and somewhat uncharacteristic of me since I wasn't too big on philosophy in those days—Ecce Home, a work by Nietzsche. I was startled by her sudden appearance. Not too many people ever came in the back of the stacks and if they did, it was primarily to make out and nothing less._

" _Claire, what are you doing here by yourself?"_

_I was surprised she even remembered my name. I didn't speak much in class and if I did, it was to answer a question when no one else had the answer for it. I closed my finger on where I had stopped in my book and instantly raised my head to look at her. It was like I'd been caught in the act of doing something wrong for some reason. This was supposed to be my special place where no one could disturb me and I felt like she was trespassing on sacred ground. I was quick to sling my bag over my shoulder and stuff my book in-between some random textbook and binder._

" _I was just leaving."_

_She titled her head slightly in confusion and adjusted her glasses as they constantly had a habit of slipping down the bridge of her nose, "Did I startle you?"_

_I shook my head, "No, I have to go."_

_Jihl held out a hand as I tried to walk around her and I stilled instantly at her command, "Miss Farron, wait."_ _I turned slowly and she lowered her voice again, "Was that… was that Nietzsche I just saw you reading? I didn't know you were into philosophy."_

_I shook my head, wishing that she'd just drop it_ _and let me go, "I'm … I'm not, it's just something that I picked up."_

"… _So you like to read then?" Jihl crossed her arms over her ample bosom and swayed her hips slightly, "I had a feeling. You don't say much in class but your literary analysis of the course material is astounding at times."_

_I fidgeted, unaware of what I should say next, so she continued._

" _I'm sorry, I don't mean to hold you." She cleared her throat and turned around, "If you're going to read Nietzsche, might I suggest you look into his work, 'On the Genealogy of Morality'? It's something like … a series of questions that explore our moral concepts and the judgments that we make. Interesting stuff. Somewhat heavy, but I believe… a precocious girl such as yourself shouldn't have a problem with such subject matter, hm? I'll see you in class tomorrow afternoon."_

_She didn't smile, but nodded to me in a courteous way, before turning around and walking toward the lower end of the stacks. I stared after her as she walked away and then promptly turned around and stole out of the library via the emergency exit. Our encounter was odd whenever I think back to it. Students always think it's weird to interact with their teachers outside of the classroom setting. It makes them anxious… or maybe it was just me._

_About a week later, having been somewhat intrigued by Ecce Homo, I turned my eyes to On the Genealogy of Morality. …Once I was done with that, something compelled me to stick around after class so that I could talk to Jihl about it. …During that conversation I asked her about the swim team and she mentioned they were having tryouts for the upcoming season._

_I saw a spark in her eye and I realized that was the beginning of things._

_-x-_

"…I remember those days." Fang said, removing the cloth from my eyes and dropped it back into the basin, "You asked me to help you train for three weeks leading up to tryouts. God damn, ma was so happy to get me out the house if it meant helping you."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well, you know. We stopped talking for that summer after middle school. She was happy that we were talking again… even though it didn't last long." She wrung the cloth out and draped it back over my eyes, "…Even though it was for stupid reasons."

There was never any real reason Fang and I stopped talking. Sometimes people just grow in different ways and you get tired of trying to fix a relationship that's better left untouched. We were mostly estranged from one another for two years until the winter of our sophomore year when I needed her more than ever… and I never really knew how much she needed me. Even though neither of us could tell the other exactly what was going wrong in our lives, we wordlessly accepted each other.

We rekindled our friendship on the beach one night. I snuck out for a much needed swim while my mother was asleep and Fang was by herself, staring listlessly into the ocean. I was startled to find her on the beach as I was always alone when it was this late at night. But there she was, just staring off into the never ending darkness with her sandals dangling from her weary hands. She was almost as confused as I was to see her. But she didn't run from me that night and neither did I.

I asked her what she was doing and all she could say was she was drowning on the air of the sea. I told her I couldn't relate, the ocean had never wronged me. It was always there to cradle me and comfort me. And perhaps, if she let it. It would do the same for her as well.

What she really meant that night was that there was no way she could put what she felt into words. _I miss you. I want to talk to you. I want to be with you. I'm messed up because I can't see you. Please, talk to me. I want you._ On the surface, we simply looked like two childhood friends who had grown apart. But what I felt and what Fang knew was that we were two fragments of a completely shattered whole.

I dragged her into the water for a swim, but we merely floated side by side in the cold, dark sea. I held her hand for the first time in years and felt the warmth I had been missing for so long.

"…Lightning? You fall asleep on me?" She asked, lifting the cloth from my eyes to check and make sure I was still awake.

I nodded my headed, "…Yeah. …At any rate…"

-x-

_The tryouts were successful and even though I had tried out for the junior varsity team, Jihl saw fit to put me on the varsity. "You're that good. I can't waste your talent away on the lesser team, now can I?"_

_I didn't care either way. I would swim as much as I could, whenever I could. However, the captain of the team, a junior named Alyssa, felt threatened by my addition to the group. For some reason she felt challenged by the stony faced freshman who didn't care about the asinine hierarchy of high school. I wanted us to be the best that we could be; she was intent on trying to sabotage me in any way possible._

_My mother was ecstatic of course. Her daughter's were exceeding her expectations in every way possible. She thought that I was reaching out to people by joining the swim team… I was just looking for a way to distract myself… or find myself. Depending on how you looked at it._

_Diving head first into the water gave me a greater sense of clarity that I could never feel while sitting listlessly in land. In the water, everything is about fluidity. You don't have to fight, you don't have to scream or cry. You just keep moving with nothing to block your path. Why would you want to stay on the earth when you could glide so effortlessly within the water? Why?_ _**Why** _ _?_

_Anyway, that winter I garnered some buzz within the jock pool of the student body. I went from being the silent, book obsessed freshman in the back of Jihl's sixth period English class to her new prized pupil. In the beginning, Alyssa_ hated _me with such passion that I never knew exactly what it was about me that made her so disgusted. I always figured that she should be happy that I was helping the team win our meets. She would get so much more recognition as a captain for having a_ winning _team. What was it about me that repulsed her so much?_

_It wasn't that it bothered me on the level that I felt I had to kiss up to her and apologize for my existence. I had done nothing wrong. Jealousy is a pointless emotion. If anything, I've always believed that if there's something wrong with the way you see yourself, fix it to the best of your ability. I always believed Alyssa's jealousy was aroused by my prowess in the water._

… _But in fact, it was because she was in love with Jihl._

_-x-_

"So your captain was hot for teacher?" Fang asked.

We had taken the discussion upstairs and I was hunched over a pile of pillows on her bed while she slid in behind me from the back. My head was feeling better and Fang was currently working to untangle the mess of knots in my lower back.

"Yes." I said as she pressed down into the juncture between my shoulder blades.

"Was _everyone_ on your team gay? Was this like the homo division of the swim team or something?"

"I don't think Alyssa was ever gay. She just had an unhealthy attachment to Jihl that manifested into something that was completely inappropriate." I said.

"Hm." Fang hummed in thought, "So what happened?"

"Huh?"

"What does this have to do with the reason you stopped swimming, Light?"

I lowered my eyes, "It was in the beginning of my sophomore year…"

-x-

_I valued Jihl for her knowledge of literature which far surpassed my own. I always looked to her when I wanted to read something different and didn't know where to turn. She was also my greatest critic in the water. Even though I was great, I could always be better. The more she pushed me, the more I responded. I thrived underneath pressure and she gave it to me like a two ton weight._

_I had never known what it was to look for acceptance from anyone other than your parents, and I was never any good at that. But, Jihl… Jihl had a way with her words… or her silence. I was not enamored with her like the other girls of my team. I saw her faults and the flaws within her perfectly manicured façade. But she was my coach and my teacher, and I knew I could learn things from her. There was no sense in pushing away something that would only help you grow as a human being._

_She used to tell me how different I was from the other girls of the swim team, as if I didn't know that. Outside our love of the water, we had little else in common. I didn't know what it was to fall in love with these boys they droned on so carelessly about. I knew that the type of relationship I yearned for, the one that I envisioned myself… I couldn't speak of that with anyone. Not my mother, not my sister… not the girls on the team. …But Jihl… Jihl, perhaps I could let my guard down for her. And I did, and she saw right through me even when I didn't realize it._

_She recommended a book for me, The Well of Loneliness by Radclyffe Hall. It's a dreadful story. And no, not because of the writing. The story itself is just heart wrenching. It's a tale of a woman named Stephen who is unconventional in just about every unacceptable way. She's …_ different _from other girls her age. Different in the same way that I was. It was like I was reading the story of my life, except one hundred years before my time. And it hurt… the ending to Stephen's story ripped my heart out and squished it beneath its feet. Was that what my life was to become? Was that all my life was destined to be? Nothing but heartache? Endless pain and guilt? What was to become of my life if I could never find a happy ending in literature that mirrored who I was?_

_I returned to Jihl's office on one of my lunch breaks, completely defeated after reading that book. When she asked me what I thought of it, I told her I didn't want another recommendation that fell along the same lines as that book._

_She told me, "…Is it because you're like Stephen, Claire? Was it depressing to see yourself written by the words of another?" She paused as she sipped her steaming mug of chai tea and set it down in two poised hands, "I know you're not like the other girls. And it's not because you like to read or you're quiet. There's a deep melancholy about you … a melancholy you try and keep quiet under that stone cold gaze of yours. It's not healthy to deny what your heart wants. You know that, right?" There was a chill in the air when she said, "You and I are more alike than I realize."_

_I didn't completely understand her words back then. I merely thought she was telling me to open up to her. Tell her what was on my mind and reassure me that whatever I felt wasn't disgusting and as vile as my father had made me believe. There were people out there that accepted you for what you were even when you felt like the rest of society was ready to strip you down to your bones and rip apart your muscles and flesh._

_She had said we were alike. Did she mean she was like me? One afflicted with an impure soul that needed subduing rather than nurturing? My hatred of my attraction for other women wasn't as strong back then. I could conceive of possibly starting a relationship with another girl… as long as no one knew about it and we were careful about what we said and did with one another in public. No one could ever know about it and no one ever would. I didn't need anyone questioning me and hating me anymore than I hated myself._

_Either way, with her approval, I swam harder than I ever could that year. And although Jihl was a source of never ending encouragement, Alyssa's jealousy grew like a raging untamable fire that fanned out and encompassed all. I was standing in a ring of flames, trying to keep my head below the smoke as she tried to singe and burn me at any moment she could._

_After discovering the part of myself that I tried to keep buried under a blanket of apathy, Jihl became stranger, too. I noticed that she was becoming... obsessed with me. Once my sister applied to the academy in Luxerion, I realized that my life in Bodhum could be cut short at any moment. I began to pull away from school, knowing that my time spent there would be coming to an end soon and I was about to start anew in Luxerion. I didn't like loose ends, and I thought by minimizing the time people spent with, I would be doing them a favor. Not like there would be many people who missed me to begin with._

_It was that winter that I saw a side of Jihl I never knew existed and it scared me. I soon realized that perhaps the affection my teacher felt for me wasn't as pure and innocent as I believed it to be. She lashed out at me in the littlest of instances, told me that I wasn't as great as I thought I was. In the quiet of her office, she would apologize to me and say she would learn to curb her words. She was stressed out with something… maybe because she was losing her star pupil? Or maybe it was me shying away from all her unwanted sexual advances? The unwanted touches, the lingering gazes...the lightly disguised praises full of_ _amorous want._

_I knew it had to end when she tried to kiss me two days shy of our first meet of the season and I_ _backhanded her so hard she nearly fell to the floor. I should have quit the team after that happened, but I didn't._

_Alyssa cornered me one day while we were in the locker room and told me that whatever it was I was doing to make Jihl so angry that it needed to stop. Jihl was taking out her frustrations on the rest of the team and it wasn't fair that my shortcomings were ruining the already tense atmosphere. I didn't have many words for Alyssa, but I told her I was tired of the way she involved herself in everyone's business and the way she hung onto Jihl for every single thing. Why couldn't she stand on her own two feet? Why did she need so much approval from a woman who never paid her any attention? A woman who could_ never _love her_?

_She saw fit to slap me right then and there and I punched her across the face in return. Alyssa never said anything to me again. I had wounded her heart and probably her soul. She knew she would never win with me no matter how much she hated me, no matter how much she tried._

_I quit the team after I won our first meet. I told Jihl my intention just before the meet started and I met with her in her office before I left to go home with my mother and sister. She knew there was already a possibility of me leaving as my mother was still waiting to hear the decision of the academy over in Luxerion. It didn't matter either way._

_Jihl was absolutely livid, talking about how I would ruin the team if I left. I had already ruined_ her. _Why did I insist on destroying everything else that lied in my path? "I was right to give you the name_ Lightning _. You_ are _like lightning. Not only are you fast, you destroy everything you touch with your hands, do you know that? Lightning flashes bright and then fades away. It destroys and never protects." She removed her glasses and slid her hands over her face, "I have given you_ everything _and look at you just throwing it away."_

" _What you've given me is something I never needed or wanted." I said. "You tried to groom me into thinking that I needed you, but I never did. You are my_ coach _, my_ teacher. _There is nothing more that would have come of this relationship."_

 _I wasn't Claire anymore. She'd stolen Claire away and turned her into something that was hard and cold and_ wrong _. Claire was the girl she had met in the library, trying to hide away under the shelter of paper and bounded tomes. Claire was the girl who sought the approval of a woman a decade older than her because she thought she could be like her. Claire was rough, but Lightning was rougher. Claire never spoke because she never felt like she had to, Lightning would take her place and speak up when she needed to._

" _And you're right. I_ am _like lightning." I said. "I always have been… I just haven't seen it."_

 _She laughed a low and bitter laugh. Like she was choking on her words and couldn't sort herself out. Jihl looked up at me through spread fingers and blinked, "You think you're so different, Claire, don't you? You'll listen to anyone who can fill up your head with stories of a life that are so unlike your own, won't you?" She rose from her desk and I instinctively backed away to the door, "Let me tell you something. There is nothing waiting out there for you in the world but_ pain _and I am the one person that can grant you salvation and freedom. We could be great together and you seem so intent on throwing it away."_

" _I'm_ fifteen _." I said as my back met the cold, grey door._

" _Exactly." She said, "You are so malleable at this stage and I don't think you realize just how much of your potential is still dormant and untapped... a potential just waiting to be explored. I don't think you realize how much I can_ help _you. If you quit this team, I will_ destroy _you in ways you could never fathom, Farron. Don't be foolish. We all know how much it would kill your if your little secret ever got out, hm?"_

"… _I'll tell everyone what you are." I said, feeling my eyes and heart burning with the intensity of fire that was the color of ice, "That wouldn't bode well with a school such as this, right? Such a prestigious institution with such a dirty scandal festering in its halls? Well, Jihl?"_

_All I can remember after I said that were her hands around my neck and the fluorescent lights blinking overhead. Perhaps… in hindsight, I shouldn't have bated her like that. Perhaps… I should have braced myself to punch her like I had done to Alyssa a few days earlier. I should have read Jihl's body language and knew that she wasn't going to give up on me that easily. I should have known that I should have taken my mother with me. I should have known. My life was full of so many should haves at that point._

_Just like Claire should have survived that day…_

… _But she didn't and from her ashes, Lightning was born._

-x-

Fang's palms were planted firmly on my back and I had covered my mouth with both hands as the last words left my lips. The rain had stopped outside and there was a low, whirring moan coming from the rushing wind against the windows. The room was dim, laden with a mind numbing heaviness that made my vision swim before me.

"Lightning… she didn't…"

I shook my head, "They found me… they found her. Half dressed… half…"

"Don't say it if brings the memories back, just don't. Okay?"

I inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly, "Nothing happened, Fang… nothing happened. At least, that's what I was told. That's what my medical exam said."

I felt blank, trying to recall the memories of what had happened. My mother, tight lipped and silent at my bedside in the hospital. Serah, confused about why I was home so much in my last semester in Bodhum. The school … the authorities. Keeping everything hushed because I was a minor. Jihl's questionable disappearance, everyone looking at me like I was a plague that would never go away.

"She choked me out and I passed out… apparently, Alyssa was the one that found us. Jihl had … Jihl had…"

They found her kissing me with her one of her hands firmly cupping me between my legs. That's what Alyssa had said when she came to visit me at home one day. She wanted to talk and I wanted to know what she remembered about that day. She said Jihl had only stripped me down to my bra and jeans, intent on going further than I would ever know … what I would ever _allow_. If Alyssa hadn't found me when she did… who knows where I would be today. Who _knows_ what would have happened.

"…I never wanted to look at the water again. Every time I looked at it I thought of her." I said, "I only felt… I only felt safe if you were there."

"Is that why you had me meet you at school to walk you home all the time?" Fang finally rose from behind me and sat down in front of me so she could grab my hands in hers, "…But you said you hated the water… why did you always go down to the beach so much if you hated it?"

"You know how rape victims sometimes go back to the place where they were attacked to confront some unresolved issue that they have? Or maybe they've finally reached a point in their recovery where they can wear the clothes they were assaulted in?" I asked, feeling my voice tremble slightly with the pressure of unshed tears. I closed my eyes and tried to ground myself again, "It's something like that. …If you were there, I didn't have to be afraid anymore, and Fang, I…"

She dropped my hands suddenly and I felt something smooth and cold being pressed into them. Her hands covered mine and I opened my eyes to see the glitter jar resting within them, "Shake it with me."

"…Fang." I said, feeling a sliver of joy circling the deep despondency in my heart and squeezing it tight. Such a simple gesture and it felt like the world was trying to set itself right again.

"Come on, it'll make you feel better." Fang said, "…Or maybe we can make a new one? How old is this jar, anyway?"

"Older than I can remember." I said, wiping at my eye with the knuckle of my index finger, "I made this when I was a kid. It's got to be at least over fifteen years old by now."

"Shake it for the fifteen year old you then." Fang said, giving it a small shake, "Shake it for the times when you wanted to cry but you couldn't. For all the feelings I know you've stuffed down and never felt like you could voice. Shake it for Claire, Light. Can you do that?"

"…Yeah, I think I can." I said as Fang let it go and I gave it a hard shake.

The jar felt light in my hands after I stopped shaking it. The glitter rapidly spun around in never ending circles and I watched it spiral before slowly settling on the bottom of the jar again. The water settled with small bubbles collecting near the top of the jar and it slowly returned to its normal, undisturbed magenta color.

It was nice, and I felt calmer. Calmer than I ever had after any sermon during morning prayer or reading any scripture in my bed at night. Was this what I was looking for? Was this what I had really been missing? Was this… was this what Fang wanted me to see? Was this what she wanted me to feel? I felt like crying and smiling all at the same time. Fang was stripping me down wholly and completely and I never realized just how messed up I had been after all these years. I thought I was better… I truly did. Maybe I was wrong.

I handed her the jar and she leaned back to place it back on the nightstand. I folded my hands in my lap, feeling demure and exposed. It wasn't bad… I just wasn't used to the feeling at all.

When Fang rounded back to face me on the bed, she grabbed my face in her hands and pulled me in to press a soft kiss to my forehead. I was startled for a minute but recovered when she pushed her fingers through my hair and stared me straight in the eyes. "Light, if _anyone_ ever hurts you again, I don't want you to hide it from me. You got that?" She asked, "I'll _kill_ anyone that lays a hand on you, do you understand me?"

"Fang, I get—"

She shook her head, "No, sweetheart. I don't think you do. Not at all." She dropped her hands from my hair and smoothed out the edges to tuck behind my ear, "You deserve happiness… and I'll be damned if you continue to let people take that away from you."

There was an earnest look in her eyes that I couldn't deny no matter how much I wanted to look away and say otherwise. Fang was right. Fang had always been right and would always be right no matter what I said or did. Why couldn't I just admit that to myself?

"I'm tired." I said, no longer wanting to talk about this anymore. I was drained. Completely and utterly _drained_. "…Can we … can we just sleep? Take a nap and get up to eat later or something?"

"Yeah, we can." She got off the bed while I pulled the duvet back and got in. Fang hit the light by her door and sauntered back across the room in short strides, "Want me to set an alarm?"

I checked the clock. It was only six. "Eight?" I said.

"That sounds reasonable." She pressed a couple of buttons on her clock and then got into bed beside me. I stared at Fang as she turned over to face me in the darkness, "You okay?"

I didn't respond vocally but pushed myself forward so that I could throw an arm over her side and hug her closer to me. With my other arm curled to my chest, I sank down to bury my face in her chest over where her heart was. It was a quick and comforting thump against my ear and I thought I heard it skip a beat and quicken when I hugged her.

Fang ran her fingers through my hair again, pushing it from my face and sighed. Her arm came to rest down on my shoulders and pulled me in close so that our legs became a tangled mess under the sheets.

For once, I felt protected against the shade of the night.


	6. tea lights

Humans are supposed to be social creatures.

This means that we're supposed to share in a collective experience with others of our kind. But subjective experience shapes us and influences how we relate to one another. One person might find they have a harder time coping with something than someone else might. For me, it's always been emotional vulnerability. Which, as a woman I guess it's to be expected. Even though I don't think that's always the case.

Basically, you grow up in a certain way. Your parents try to hammer certain ideas into your head and they stick with you no matter how hard you try to change them. Sure, you can try and change yourself as an adult. But it's hard. It's so hard to try and break down the inadequacies and traumas your formative years leave you with. I should know. I've been trying to fix them for the last eight years of my life.

When I was younger, I remember my parents being invited to get-togethers. The invites grew scarce after my father died, but there were many while my parents were still considered a _normal_ couple. Most of the time my mother asked Fang's mother to look after Serah and me, which was something she was always a bit wary about seeing as Fang's mother was just as off as her daughter. Not to mention the glaring language barrier between the two, which my mother liked to solve with a hesitant, yet well meaning smile.

But sometimes my parent's friends had kids. And you know, for some sick reason adults seem to think that sharing a commonality in age is an instant guarantee that you're bound to get along with one another. It's almost as if they don't remember what it was like to be a child… I'm sure most of them don't.

I always hated these events. Most of my time was spent huddled into a corner with whatever book I was reading at the moment. I never cared about paying too much attention to what was going on around me. Sometimes Serah tried to get me in on the games she and the other children were playing. I only let go when she really begged me. And even those times were rare. I never really had the propensity for social interaction.

**Your sister is weird. Why won't she play with us?**

_Claire isn't weird! You're **weird**._

At the end of the night, I always remembered my father's stern gaze and my mother's slender and comforting fingers running through my hair. My father wouldn't say much, but my mother's weary smile would convey all the words he never bothered to waste. I'm sure their friend's children would talk. _Claire doesn't play with us_ , I'm sure they would say. _Next time, only let Serah come over. She's fun_.

There are a myriad of reasons as to why I always felt different from these children and it is hard to pinpoint just one. It's odd that Fang and I got along so well because she was just as wild as the rest of them. But even so, Fang was just as different as I was. Maybe it was because she came from a place halfway across the globe and her native language, customs and traditions were all lost to her at such a young age. It's only natural that she would latch onto someone who seemed to stand out from the crowd.

She was just another person standing with me on the outside, continually staring in, but unwilling to subject herself to the strict and moronic code of rules and regulations.

-x-

Fang wasn't around much for the beginning of July.

Work kept her away from the apartment for the majority of the day and when she got home she'd spent most of her time working on her laptop until she was ready to sleep. She was always apologizing for being gone every time she came home to find me curled up on the living room sofa with a book while Vanille watched trashy reality shows beside me. I made sure to remind her daily that the purpose of me coming to Yusnaan wasn't to spend time with her yappy cousin.

But deep down, I didn't really mind. I had only been there for almost a month, but Yusnaan was starting to grow on me. Maybe it was because of Fang; maybe it was because I was becoming a different person now that I had been pulled out of Luxerion. It didn't really matter. All I knew was that my mood had been lighter and my mind was less clouded.

One day, when Fang had a particularly early shift and was gone before I even woke up, I decided I wanted to step out to find a church. My initial purpose wasn't to go there to pray. I just had some questions and they needed answers... and it was something I couldn't talk to Fang about. She was open minded, sure. But, I knew talking with her about religion would send her into a spiraling lecture about what I needed to stop thinking about and focus on.

I left the house at noon and headed straight for the Augurs Quarter. The Order's influence was weak in Yusnaan, but there were a few chapels scattered throughout the city, often dwarfed by even taller buildings. I'd found them all clustered together in the Augurs Quarter one evening while I was out for a walk.

The church I had chosen was quiet and small, not what I was used to back in Luxerion or Bodhum for that matter. But it was warm and somewhat comforting. I guess… intimate in a sense. There were votive candles alit behind the altar. A priest was standing to the side of the candles, flipping through the pages of a book on a white clothed table.

"Father?" I called to him and he immediately jumped to turn around and look at me. "…Sorry for disturbing you."

"No, no." He turned around and straightened his robes, "It is all right. We don't have many visitors around this time of day so you startled me. Please, don't hesitate to come into the house of God, my child."

"Right..." I advanced toward the altar and stood before him, "Do you have a minute?"

"That and much more." He gestured toward the pew behind me as if silently instructing me to sit, "What is it that you need?"

"I'm having trouble with something ... something personal."

He nodded in understanding, "Well, I am here to provide guidance where I can. What is it?"

My entire existence is what it was. I took a deep breath and fisted my hands into the fabric of my pants, "Scripture ... clearly teaches that those who partake in homosexual practices are surely to be condemned to the eternal flames of hell." I could feel my voice shaking even before I opened my mouth, "...But... can someone be sent to hell just because they were born in a way that they cannot control?"

"You mean someone with the desire to partake in sexual relations with the same sex?"

"Yes."

The priest mused silently for a minute and then turned his eyes to the rack of votive candles before us, "We are all the children of God, even though we were born from the blood of Etro. And he loves us, even in our sins and wrongdoings." He paused and then turned his eyes up to the ceiling of the chapel, "God does not hate you for the way that you were born, my child, for he did not create you. But those that follow his word must know of the sins and temptations that arise from partaking in such acts."

"So he accepts you as long as you don't have relationships with people who are of the same gender as you? Is that what the scripture really means?" I asked, "Even while I was studying it, that's the same conclusion I came to as well, but..."

"But?"

"How am I supposed to find happiness in a life that condemns my entire existence?" I asked, "We were created from Etro and yet we hold the teachings of Bhunivelze as absolute. Surely there is something wrong with this picture."

The priest shook his head in a solemn manner, "Etro was crafted by the hands of God. There is no question or doubt about whose teachings must be held absolute." He sighed, "It is unfortunate that so many people have to lead these lives of pain, but because of this, they will find strength and conviction."

"Wouldn't this simply drive someone further into despair?"

"That is simply what our time spent on Earth is. An endless cycle of despair." He said, "Hold true to the word of God and you will see that at the end of your days, you are a stronger person because of all you suffered and endured."

"…Is that all there is to life?"

"Is it not enough to know that you will be granted life eternal once you depart from this world?"

"…No." I shook my head, "No, it isn't. I don't think I can live the next fifty… sixty years of my life knowing that God wants me to repent and pray for something that I can't control. I never asked for this."

The priest sighed as though he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. And maybe he did. After all, I knew it wasn't easy to be a beacon of guidance when you were just as fallible and lost as the people who came to you for help, "…No one asked to come into this world, my child. And yet, here we are. We live day to day, doing the same things over and over again and for what? What of those who don't believe in the faith? They still keep going, do they not? Even if they do not believe in the salvation that Bhunivelze offers us."

"But they're different." I responded.

"We are all alike more so than you believe. Every human being upon this planet struggles with their existence." He began, "But with God's assurance, we know that at the end of our days all of it will be done."

"…That doesn't seem like reason enough to go on." I murmured, "Everything that you're saying is what I already know and always found myself believing in. I used to think that if I prayed hard enough and if I sought penance for these unnatural thoughts that that would be enough for me. I thought that I would be happier… that I would be relieved that I was doing what God wanted me to do. But I find myself questioning if this is the right thing. If this is really how we're supposed to live our lives."

"Everyone questions their faith at times, especially in the face of adversity. It is a test to see how strong your conviction is. You don't see it yet, but the almighty Father has called upon you to be a shepherd of his word. To spread his message to those who have yet to answer his call. If others with your condition were to see how strong you were, surely they would follow in your unwavering footsteps."

"…But I'm not unwavering." I said as I turned to look him square in the eye, "And I don't want others following my example. My burden is not for them to share. It never was and never will be."

"But it is. We are to share in the wonder and mystery of Bhunivelze's word and grace. He has given us life—"

"No, scripture states that Etro gave us life." I corrected him, "And God wanted nothing to do with his daughter. Perhaps, that's why humans are the way that they are. Perhaps this is Etro's curse. She wanted to defy the father that abhorred her creation, so she saw fit to create creatures as flawed as she."

The priest grew quiet and nodded his head in what appeared to be agreement, "Perhaps. But, this is why God wants you to reject such impure parts of you. Only focus on what is righteous and good."

"That's denying my humanity." I said, "I'm through with denying my humanity."

"…My child?"

I rose from my seat and turned to look down at the priest who had a bewildered expression on his face, "…I grew up with the faith. My father was a firm believer who made sure we went to church every Sunday and celebrated the mystery of God. He believed humans could never understand why Bhunivelze wanted us to be this way. But, he used to tell me that this was the path to salvation. That God was light. That he would always guide me morally and righteously in times of strife and confusion."

"Your father sounds like a just and moral man."

I felt the urge to laugh in his face, but I held it in. "He wasn't. He was corrupt and full of malice because he knew his child was gay and therefore, an abomination in the eyes of the Lord. And instead of treating me with love and compassion, he treated me with contempt. As if I weren't even human." I paused and crossed my arms over my chest, "I've been living in Luxerion for nearly a decade now and the Order's influence is everywhere. It covers the city in a thick blanket of mist and clouds your thoughts and fills your mind with these messages that makes you ride anxiety like an uncontrollable high. If you're different you must repent."

"But, surely you have felt inner calm and peace living in the city that acts as the ruling body for the Order?"

"No. ... _No_." I said, "I have never felt calm or at peace with any of this … this bullshit that comes from all of this mess. I try and fill my mind with endless repetitions of scripture and mantras and prayers and I hope that one day it will fix these thoughts and feelings buried in the deepest parts of me. I pray that one day I'll be right in the eyes of God, of society, of the _world_. I never wanted this, and I am tired of rejecting who I am because I live in a world that condemns those who are different and can never fit the mold that everyone expects of them."

"There is so much confusion and sickness in your heart." The priest began as he stood up and began to advance toward me, "Tell me, child. Have you come to me because you have committed grave sins against the Lord? Have you succumbed to homosexual desire and you wish to cleanse yourself and pray for forgiveness? I can offer you a cleansing bath and prayer—"

"No, I don't want _any_ of what you can offer. I came for answers and I have found nothing." I cut him off, "I grow tired of telling myself that I'm all right living like this because I've been lying to myself all this time. I'm tired of pretending like I can keep these thoughts shut off and that the life I've been trying to live is helping me. I can't do this anymore. I just can't."

"So you will turn your back on the God who has done nothing but try and love you?"

I shrugged as I turned my back on the priest and began to walk out of the chapel, "Maybe I will."

-x-

On the day that I turned sixteen, Fang took me out on what I would never call a date.

Even though she paid for everything. Even if she continuously tried to hold my hand through the entire thing. Even though I felt her breathing down my neck as her hand migrated up my thigh in the darkness of the movie theater, it wasn't a date.

I didn't like to label things when it came to our relationship. It was weird. I just needed someone to be there for me because I didn't want to be alone. My mother was constantly travelling back and forth to Luxerion with Serah and she left me home alone more than she would have liked. But, Fang was there to break through the silence with just her presence alone.

…It was kind of like how things were now.

It was dusk and Fang was home early for once. She'd brought back sushi for dinner for the fourth night in a row. Not that I was complaining, but it would have been nice to have something different.

We were sitting opposite one another on the couch again. Fang, with her arm thrown over her eyes and me, reading a book ... although I had to admit it wasn't really capturing my attention. Fang had been in the process of grading another set of papers when she set her laptop down and told me she was taking a half hour break.

I glanced at the clock. It was almost eight, time was up. I closed my book down on my thumb and learned forward to place a hand on Fang's thigh to shake her awake, "Hey, time to get up."

"Don't wanna." Fang mumbled, "Feels like I haven't sleep in days."

"Well, you've been working a lot." I said, reclining so that my back was pressed against the arm of the couch again.

"Too much, they've been working me like a slave." She said, pulling her arm away from her eyes, "God, I didn't have you come here so I could ignore you for two months."

I shrugged, "I'm used to being alone, Fang."

"Yeah, I know." She sighed at me and pushed herself up so she could look at me, "So, where did you go today? Vanille said she stopped by on her lunch break to pick something up and you weren't here."

I set my book down on the coffee table and stretched my arms over my head, "I went to go find a priest."

"For what?"

"I wanted to talk to him about some things." I replied, "Some _personal_ things if that's all right with you."

Fang cocked her head to the side, "You feelin' all right?"

I nodded, "Fine actually ... best I've felt in ages."

"Told you Luxerion wasn't doing you any good." Fang said, as she sat up and leaned forward for her laptop, "What? Ya havin' a change of faith or somethin'? Felt like it was something you couldn't talk to crazy ole Fang about?"

"To some degree, yes." I shrugged, "It's nothing you have to worry about, Fang. I promise."

"If you say so..." She trailed off, "So, listen. I got the weekend off. Friday and Saturday that is, these morons are making me go in to work on Sunday. Let's say you an' me go out and paint the town red, huh?"

"I'm not going out drinking with you again." I snapped, unfortunately recalling how I felt the morning after everything was said and done.

"Hey, you get drunk enough and I'll give you another rubdown if you end up with a hangover."

"I appreciate the sentiment, but I'd rather stay in." I said as I picked up my book and officially ended the conversation.

Fang shrugged, "…Then we'll stay in. We'll have a girl's night in or some gay shit like that. How's that sound?"

"Are you proposing a sleepover?"

"If that's what you wanna call it, sure."

"What are we? Twelve?"

"Come on, Light. It'll be fun." Fang grinned as she turned her attention down to her laptop, "We'll get Van and Hope in on it too. As far as I'm concerned, he's one of the girls."

"Just because a gay man is somewhat effeminate doesn't mean you get to label him as one of the _girls,_ Fang."

Fang sighed in exasperation, "It's a joke, Light. Ha, ha. _HA_." She looked up at me, "The religion thing is one thing but you're not gonna get all PC on me, are you?"

"…Politically correct?" I questioned as I looked up from my book, "Not at all when it comes to you. I know you just say whatever you want, however you want, whenever you feel like it."

"Then why are you getting so fussy over this?"

I closed my book again and sighed, "I'm misdirecting my anger. I'm sorry."

Fang's eyebrows shot up and she closed her laptop again, "… _Whoa_. Lightning? Apologizin'? This is somethin' new … you sure you don't want to talk about why you left earlier?"

"It's just…" I began abruptly. The words spilled out of me before I even had my thoughts together. "…It's just… I've been thinking about some things. It's almost been a month since I've been here and things have been going surprisingly well… emotional hiccups aside."

Fang cocked her head to the side like she didn't understand what I meant, "Huh?"

"I mean… you know… just _things_." I waved my hand, unsure of how to explain myself. I never was any good with talking. It was better to just stay silent and let your feelings rise and then subside. At least, that's what I always thought. "Like … what happened last week."

"Oh... you mean when you were on the rag?" Fang asked. "Pft, Light. That's a part of life. I ain't gonna get mad at you for—"

"I mean being incorrigible and trying to fight you when you're trying to help me." I interjected and cut her off. "I mean … I mean how I keep pulling you toward me, only to push you away when I feel like you're getting too close. I've always done that and I'm sorry."

She rubbed the back of her head, "Well, I ain't always been the easiest person to get along with either… so you're not completely guilty with that."

"But I've pushed you away ever since my mother died."

"And Serah left." Fang reminded me even when I wish she didn't.

" _Don't_ bring her up."

Fang threw her arms over her head and sighed in exasperation again, "Here we go again." She leaned over the chair and covered her face with her hands, " _Why,_ Lightning. Just _why_ can't I bring her up? Is it because she got knocked up at the peak of her dancing career? Is that it? Are you still mad because she fucked up her dream and got pregnant when you were all she had left in the world?" She gestured toward herself, "I mean, if you wanna get mad at someone, get mad at _me_ and all the dead babies I've flushed down the toilet. No wonder God saw fit to fuck up my tubes to make sure I'd never get pregnant again, yeah?"

"… _No_. And please, Fang. Don't talk like that." I sighed, "It's … it's a long, painful and convoluted story when it comes to Serah. I don't think I can ever forgive myself … or _her_ for the way that things went after my mother's death."

"Tell me about it then."

I shook my head, "No."

"Lightning."

" _No_ , Fang." I said, rising from the couch. "If you really want to know why I left today, I went to go talk to a priest about homo…" I paused and cleared my throat, "…I mean, same sex relationships. He basically told me everything I already knew."

"Which was?" I could still hear the irritation in her voice.

"God doesn't blame you for the sin you were born with, but he'll condemn you to hell the minute you start partaking in homosexual acts." I said, "Pray to God and seek his eternal love and you'll be free."

"Yeah, and?"

"I thought he would tell me something different. I thought …" I crossed my arms over my chest and turned away from her, "I thought that he would tell me something… _anything_ that would strengthen my faith again."

"…Lightning, wait a minute—"

"I'm starting … I'm starting to believe that maybe this isn't the way." I said, walking away from the couch and stood over by the bay window underneath the stairs leading to Fang's room, "I'm not admitting to seeing things entirely your way and I'm not giving up the faith. But I'm … I don't think killing this part of me is the answer to any of this. Praying hasn't worked. Repenting hasn't worked. Reciting mantras doesn't work. Cleansing baths, fasting, daily services. _None_ of it fucking works, Fang."

"Of _course_ it doesn't work." She rose from the couch as well, "Why the fuck do you think I spent all those years fucking around with men?"

"…Trying to fuck the gay away?" I asked, feeling the urge to laugh. It wasn't humorous though, it was something dark and somewhat acidic.

"Well, I ain't putting no labels on my sexuality, but I admit there was a time when I wanted to kill the _gay_ part of me …or whatever the fuck you wanna call it." She shrugged, "It would have been different if my ma had stayed in Oerba. Probably wouldn't have felt so conflicted and confused if I hadn't been living in Bodhum at the time. Pulse people ain't like you confused Cocoon types. We don't really care too much about all that sexuality shit."

"So you just have sex with whoever?"

"This is gonna sound like some fairytale, hippie shit … but all we really care about is love and the cohesiveness of the community. And, hey, it works, you know?" Fang laughed, "Found these interesting stats the other day. Something about how on average the people on the continent of Pulse are happier than those on Cocoon. Nova Chrysalia is kinda somewhere in the middle of the two."

"So?"

"So… what I'm sayin' is you should just live your god damn life however you want to. You ain't hurtin' nobody or killin no one, right? So who cares if you like the ladies more than you do the gents?"

"I do."

"Yes, we've been over this before." She sighed in that long and tired way of hers. "God damn you're hard headed."

"So are you."

"Ain't denyin' that I am." Fang said, "So… is that it?"

"That's it." I said.

"Good." Fang said with a sense of finality, "Now if you're done having your daily crisis for the day, I'm gonna go call up Van and tell her to bring some shit home."

"You're serious about this girl's night in?" I asked, watching her walk away from me so she could sit back down on the couch.

" _Yes_." Fang said, "Now go read your book or whatever it was you were doing. I've got papers to grade and shit to plan."

-x-

"Lightning, hold still. You're getting paint all over your toes."

"I'm sorry ... I'm just not used to this." I hugged my knee to my chest as Vanille brushed a knuckle underneath the arch of my foot again. If I admitted I was ticklish on my feet instead of antsy at the prospect of having someone touching me, I knew it would be game over for me whenever Fang and I went to bed at night.

"You never let Serah paint your nails?" Fang asked. She was currently seated behind me.

"…Maybe when we were kids." I muttered, "I was never one for this type of … beautification if you will."

"Jesus, Lightning. Denying yourself some pussy, sure. That I can understand. But I doubt pampering yourself is a crime in the eyes of God." Fang huffed as she pulled my hair away from my neck and sectioned off a part of it, "Damn your hair is fine."

"I don't know how you do it, Lightning." Vanille sighed as she fanned my nails with her hands and capped the bottle of polish, "Living such a celibate life. I couldn't think of possibly going without sex for … well, for at least a _week_."

"Try a day." Fang muttered under her breath so that only I could hear her. She leaned over and took a sip of her wine before turning her attention back to my hair, "Where's Hope, Vanille?"

Vanille shrugged, "He said he would get out of work late tonight, so he'll probably show up later on."

"That's fine. We can have girl talk with Light until our heart's content, then."

" _Why_ am I the focus of this whole thing?" I asked as Vanille set one of my feet down on the floor and picked up the other.

"Because, you're our guest." Vanille said.

"Yeah, don't you know anythin' about Oerban customs, Light?"

"Nothing besides what you exposed me to as kids." I replied, "What? What should I know?"

"Well…" Fang said, leaning in to my ear and dropping her voice, "When you're someone's _guest_ …they're supposed to pleasure you."

"In all _sorts_ of ways." Vanille chimed in and paused to look up from painting my toes.

When they both stopped what they were doing, I straightened my posture and narrowed my eyes at Vanille. "If this is some sick ploy to have a threesome with me, I swear to _God_ I will burn your apartment building down to the floor, Fang."

Fang fell back away from me and gave a long and hearty laugh, "Fuckin' 'ell, Light. I wouldn't _dream_ of sharing you with Van. Who knows what type of sick shit she'd do to you."

" _Hey_." Vanille squeaked, "I don't do _sick_ shit and don't worry, Lightning. Unlike, Fang. I'm strictly dickly over here."

"Until she's got alcohol in her system." Fang muttered, "Remember the first time I took you to Shiva's?"

"Damn right I do." Vanille pouted as she rolled her eyes at Fang.

"Oh, fuck off." Fang laughed again, "Don't act like you didn't enjoy your romp with that butch chick in the bathroom. You said she gave the best damn head you've ever had."

" _Fang_." Vanille had the audacity to look scandalized.

"…Oh, Light's not gonna care. She's repressed as shit but she's not gonna judge you for having twenty dicks up your vag. Been there, done that. Who cares?"

"I'm not?" I asked, turning to look over my shoulder at Fang.

"I don't know, are you?" Fang shrugged, looking nonchalant.

I shrugged in return, "It's not my business."

" _See_." Fang said.

"Well, all right." Vanille muttered, unable to meet my eyes as she turned her attention to my feet again. "Lightning, you've got some nice feet."

"…Thank you?" I asked, unsure if she was trying to change the subject because she was embarrassed or if she really meant it as a compliment.

"The fuck type of statement was that, Vanille?" Fang asked, pulling my bangs away from my forehead and clipping them back.

Vanille looked up at her and pouted and didn't say anything else. She eventually finished painting my toes and then sat my other leg off to the side. Vanille patted on her thigh, "Give me your hand."

Fang allowed me to lean forward before settling in behind me again, "What color are you using anyway, Vanille?"

"Red." Vanille answered, "Lightning's going to knock them dead when we're done with her."

"Pft, she was already knocking them dead. _Literally._ "

"Mm, that's right, Lightning." Vanille looked up at me, "I heard you and Fang were quite the duo back when you two were younger. Always getting into trouble for beating up the school bullies, hm?"

"They used to mess around with my sister." I said, "For some reason, people thought she was easy prey. I made sure they knew otherwise."

"I always said Lightning should have been born a boy." Fang said.

"I could say the same for you." I said, "You _knocked_ someone's teeth out once, Fang."

"For _good_ reason." Fang said, grabbing a hold of my hair and twirling it tightly in one of her hands, "I would have never heard the end of it if Serah came home crying to you about someone being mean to her in school again. …I still have the tooth you know? Kept it as a victory present."

"Fang, that's sick."

She shrugged, "To each her own."

We all lapsed into silence as Vanille finished off my right hand and started on my left and Fang began to jam bobby pin after bobby pin into my hair. I sighed in what was contentment. It was actually kind of nice to let someone look after you for once.

Fang eventually finished up with my hair, which turned out to be some mess she called a bun, and rose from behind me to walk across the room to turn on the stereo. She disappeared into Vanille's room and came back with white papers and a clear baggie full of something that smelled pungent and awful. I already knew what it was before she sat back down behind me.

"I thought you said you already rolled this shit, Vanille."

"I said I _bought_ it." She said.

"For Etro's sake, you're useless." Fang huffed as she opened the plastic bag and sniffed the contents, "Purple kush?"

"As per requested." Vanille murmured.

"… _Fang_."

"Chill, Light." Fang said, "Tonight's about getting you to relax in a different way."

"I'm _not_ smoking pot."

Fang snickered, "… _Yes_ you are."

I sighed as Vanille fanned my hand and blew over my slowly drying nails, "Seriously? You're going to get me high?"

"Why not?" Fang asked, "This shit'll relax you for sure."

"You don't remember the first and last time you got me to smoke this stuff?"

Vanille immediately shot up and looked up at me, her eyes wide, " _Lightning's_ smoked before?"

"Just once." Fang recalled, trying to stifle her laughter. "On the night of her sixteenth. They say you don't get too high on your first time, but not this one. _Oh_ , no."

"What happened?" Vanille asked looking at me for an answer. I sucked my teeth and turned away, so she turned to look at Fang, "Fang, what happened?"

"Got smacked off of one bowl." Fang said as she reached for a paper towel and the grinder, "Anyway, I left her melting on my bed—Light's words, not mine—and went to go to the bathroom to go pee. I was way more fucked up than this one over here and had one beer too many. Anyway, I came back into my room to find her gone."

"Well where was she?"

"Got paranoid while I was gone." Fang said, as she twisted the grinder around, "Apparently she thought I was going to go tell her mom that we were high and I found her sobbing on the floor of my kitchen whilst eating peanut butter and talking about how she was so screwed."

"Lightning, that doesn't even sound like you." Vanille commented, taking a quick glance at me before turning back to Fang, "And then what?"

"Nothin'." Fang said, shrugging her shoulders. "I got her some water, told her to calm down and we eventually just fell asleep."

"That's it?"

"That's it." Fang said.

"And you never smoked after that?" Vanille asked.

"Why _would_ I?"

Vanille shrugged, "Everything's better when you're high."

"Spoken like a true stoner." Fang sighed and uncapped the grinder. "You done with my fair maiden over there?"

"Yup." Vanille said, as she capped the nail polish and set it down on the coffee table. She looked at me and smiled, "You know, Fang. You're right. Lightning _is_ really pretty when you pull her hair away from her face."

Fang looked up from the folded white paper in her hand and then glanced at me, "She's beautiful no matter how she wears her hair."

"Fang, _stop._ You're gonna make her blush." Vanille giggled as I sighed in irritation and looked away from Fang.

"She's already there." Fang said, as she turned back to the joint.

Vanille sighed languidly and reclined back on her elbows so she could stare up at the ceiling, "Jeez… it feels nice to have some down time, you know? I feel like they've been working me like a slave down at the shelter."

"Oh no, the world is ending. You're _actually_ working, Vanille."

"Shut up, Fang." Vanille snapped, "You're worse than I am. I've had to keep Lightning here company while you go gallivant off to your fifty million jobs night after night."

"You wanna keep living like we do, don't ya?" Fang asked, pausing before she licked the joint shut.

"Well, yeah…"

"Then zip it." Fang turned over her left shoulder and then felt around on the floor, "Where the hell did I put the damn lighter?"

I looked down by my hip and saw the small black lighter I'd always seen her with. I reached for it and held it up to Fang, "Here."

"As always, Light you're more helpful than Vanille." Fang paused as she stuck the joint into her mouth and was about to light up, "Hey, go crack a window."

Vanille got to her feet as Fang removed the joint from her mouth and waited for her cousin to crack the nearest window by us. "That _better_?"

"Look, you're the one that's always hotboxing your room so it smells like funk, cheetos and someone spilled a vat of alcohol all over the carpet." Fang said as Vanille rolled her eyes, "I need ventilation when I smoke."

"Whatever." Vanille muttered and sat down next to me.

Fang stuck the joint back into her mouth and lit up. The tip flared to life and then turned black as she took a long and deep inhale. She exhaled slowly and then handed the joint to me. I shook my head and then she passed it to Vanille instead who took it willingly. "You really not gonna smoke, Light?"

"I've only smoked from a pipe, remember?"

"Well, a joints just the same. Cept you don't have to light it constantly." Fang gestured toward the joint, "Just inhale, like you're sipping water. Or slurping noodles actually…" She trailed off as Vanille started coughing, "You remember right? Just do it like I told you before. Hold it in for as long as you can and then exhale."

Vanille giggled as she held out the joint to me and I sighed and took it, somewhat reluctantly, "I can't believe I'm getting high with Lightning. You're like an … ice _princess_."

"Thanks." I muttered sardonically and inhaled the joint just as Fang had instructed. The weed smoke felt heavy in my chest, almost like it was burning my lungs. I started coughing before I could hold it in, " _Fuck_."

"Vanille, go get some water." Fang said, jabbing toward the kitchen and Vanille got to her feet. She turned back to me, "That's all right, just go again."

"This is worse than those cloves we smoked at the club."

Fang shrugged and grinned, "It'll make you feel better though. Go on, take another pull."

I sighed, trying to expel all the air from my lungs before taking another pull of the joint. Vanille sat a glass of water down for Fang and me and then sat back down beside me. The paper crackled and turned red as it was singed away and my lips felt like they were on fire. The second hit was almost as bad as the first and made my lungs feel heavy and full again. But I held it in for as long as I could before blowing out a large puff of smoke that dispersed right in front of Fang's face.

"Damn, Lightning." Fang said as I handed the joint back to her and she took another pull. Vanille was already giddy at my side. She pulled again and exhaled out of the corner of her mouth, "You high already, Vanille?"

Vanille glanced at me and then pressed her knuckles to her lips as she tried to muffle her laughter, "… _May_ be."

"Fucking 'ell." Fang muttered, shaking her head, "Hope's not even here yet and you're already fucked up."

"Not _really_." Vanille said, hiding her face behind her hands as she laughed some more.

Fang pulled from the joint one last time before handing it back to me, "One last toke?"

I shook my head, "If I take another pull my lungs are going to collapse."

She turned her attention to Vanille, "Here, pothead. Take the last pull and ash the roach." Fang leaned back so that her head rested against one of the couch cushions, "I might roll another one in an hour."

Vanille did as Fang instructed before stabbing the joint out into a black ashtray on the coffee table. She promptly fell onto her back and stared up at the ceiling. I turned to look at Fang who had her eyes closed and seemed to be in a calmer state of mind than previously.

"Fang?"

"Yeah, Lightnin'?"

I rolled my tongue against the roof of my mouth, "…Fang, I can feel my teeth."

Vanille started cracking up at my side and Fang seemed to grin long and slow, "…What was that Light?" She asked.

"I _said_ I think I can feel my teeth." I began slowly licking one of my canines, "…Never realized they were so sharp."

"What did you think they were?"

I shrugged, "I don't know… just … _there_. I guess." I glanced around the living room and saw Vanille who was curled up into a ball, "Why's Vanille laughing so much?"

"Reckon cause you just said you can feel your teeth." Fang scratched the back of her head, "Then again, you could sneeze while Vanille's high and she'd find it funny." She turned her attention back to me, "You feelin' okay?"

"Yeah…" I said, "Everything's … kinda fuzzy and fast at the same time though."

"Yeah, I'd say you're pretty baked right now." Fang grinned, "You hungry?"

I shook my head, "Can I just … lay on you?"

She patted her lap, "Come on."

I pushed myself over in Fang's direction and my whole world seemed to spin in slow motion so that she was staring down at me. And honestly, at that point, that's all I could focus on. The world seemed to be moving in like a slow orbit around us … or maybe it was the room. Or maybe it was the moon and the stars and the night. Or maybe I was just too high for my own good.

I had to close my eyes for a minute because there was too much going on for me to handle, even if it was just Fang staring down at me. I felt like I was melting into her thigh and pretty soon, the floor. It felt like something was pulling me into the ground and all of a sudden my body felt too heavy for me to support.

"Am I falling into hell?" I asked, finally opening my eyes so I could look up at her.

She shook her head and placed a warm hand over my forehead, "An angel like you? No, love. Probably higher than the heavens right now."

"Is that even possible?"

Fang shrugged, "Probably for you it is."

I blinked slowly, "…Your hand is really warm."

"It is pretty warm in here…" Fang looked up at Vanille who had turned her attention to her cell phone. "Hey, open another window? Sunshine here is hot."

" _Ew,_ is that what she calls you, Lightning?" Vanille appeared to be struggling to pull herself together.

"It's cause it matches her sunny disposition." Fang chuckled, "All right, I'm not that original. So sue me."

"Gladly." Vanille said as she pushed up another window. I felt a rush of cool air flood in almost immediately and sighed in content, "Better, Light?" She asked.

I nodded, "Thanks."

"No prob." Vanille sat down beside Fang and pulled my stretched out legs into her lap, "Fang, I'm really fucking high."

"Light must be too if she's actually letting you touch her." Fang observed as Vanille stretched her legs out under my thighs.

I shrugged, "It's fine."

" _Really_ high." Fang muttered as she turned to Vanille, "Where's your boytoy?"

Vanille pouted, "Missing out. I was just texting him. The trains are all screwed up and the local is shut down for the night. If he takes the express that means he has to travel down through the Wildlands and then wrap around to Yusnaan. What a bother."

Fang shrugged, "We seem to be holding up all right without him."

"Yeah…" Vanille murmured. She perked up almost immediately though with an eager, "Hey, you guys hungry?"

I shook my head, "I'm fine."

"Yeah." Fang said, "Still digestin' that pizza from earlier."

Vanille shrugged, "I'm gonna go raid the kitchen. We've gotta have some chips or something around here." She set my legs back down on the floor and toddled off to the kitchen.

"Low attention span?" I questioned as soon as Vanille was out of hearing range.

" _Very_." Fang muttered in return, "She's bad when she's sober but when she's inebriated in any way, forget about it."

I felt the urge to laugh for some reason even though it didn't come out. Fang slouched back and I shifted slightly so that I fell into the dip between her thighs and lower abdomen. My ear was pressed against what was probably her stomach and I thought I could hear the thump of her heart. Or maybe it was my own.

"…Your heart is beating fast." I commented without thinking.

"…Is it?" She asked.

"Or maybe it's mine." I said, "Who knows."

"And why is that you suppose?"

I shrugged, "Weed speeds up your heartbeat if I'm right. Or maybe I'm just nervous."

"And _why_ would the great Lightning Farron be _nervous?_ "

I looked up to meet her eyes and Fang raised her eyebrows as if to put an added emphasis on her question. Her eyes were so green… or were they blue? They were weird. Weird Fang. Weird eyes. Weird girl. No, Fang wasn't weird. _I_ was the weird one.

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"I don't know." I repeated before leaning in to give her a brief kiss on the lips and then pulled away, "I don't know."

She didn't look taken aback by what I just did, but merely licked her lips and hummed thoughtfully, "Hm. Can't say I wasn't expecting that one. You were staring at me for long enough."

" _You_ were staring at me." I said, "…Or was I staring first?"

"You don't know?" She asked while chuckling.

"No." I said, "I'm high and my head is full of cotton balls. …So is my mouth."

"Come on, let's sit you up." She pressed a strong hand between my shoulder blades and the world seemed to get fuzzy again, "Here, drink some water."

"…This is really smooth." I said, running a hand along the glass, "Why is this so smooth?"

"Cause its made of glass, Light."

"Oh…" I took a sip of water and turned to Fang, "Aren't you high?"

She nodded, "Pretty much, but this stuff doesn't hit me like it does you or Vanille."

"Did someone say my name?" Vanille appeared in the archway of the kitchen with a bag of chips in her hand, "I got distracted in the kitchen. These chips were really good…"

"I bet they are." Fang said, "Come on, sit down before you break something, Van."

"Oh, hush, Fang." Vanille walked back over to sit beside me and offered me some of her chips. I shook my head and she shrugged as she kept eating them, "You know what would be great right now?"

"What?" Fang asked.

" _Sex_." Vanille said.

"You're always in the mood for that." Fang muttered under her breath.

"Shut _up_ , Fang." Vanille crunched through a handful of chips and turned to me, "Right, Lightning? Wouldn't that be great right now?"

I decided to take an exceptionally long drink of water at that moment and Vanille looked at Fang for clarification as to why I wasn't answering her. Fang shrugged and gestured lazily to me, "She's basically a virgin."

" _NO!_ " Vanille clutched her bag of chips, " _Lightning,_ that's not true."

" _Very_. No one's ever gotten these panties off…" Fang said, reaching down to grip my thigh before I slapped her arm in return, "Well. I almost did. _Once_."

"…Seriously?"

" _No."_ I said, suddenly feeling surprisingly sober after the direction this conversation had taken.

"Oh." Vanille seemed disappointed by my answer and reached her hand back into her bag of chips, "Well… I don't know much about lesbian sex, Lightning. But you're missing out."

"I tell her that all the time." Fang said.

"Wow, Lightning…" Vanille let head loll back onto the couch behind us, "I couldn't imagine my life without sex…" She glanced at me, "Have you masturbated at least?"

"I can vie for that. She has." Fang interjected once again and I punched her on the arm in return. She rubbed at the sore spot and grinned, "Damn, you don't pull your punches _ever_. Etro, Light, I'mma be bruised in the morning."

"Serves you right." I muttered, drinking my water again.

"Well you've at least had an orgasm… right?" Vanille prodded again.

"…Maybe." I mumbled.

" _Whoa_." Fang said, "I didn't know that."

"What _is_ this?" I asked, "Why are all these questions getting directed at _me_?"

"Vanille knows my sexual history front and back." Fang said, reaching for her glass of water.

"Yeah, same." Vanille replied, "If I'm making you uncomfortable, I'll stop."

I shook my head, "I'm not just not used to intimate conversations like this."

"Yeah, Vanille. You're laying it on kind of thick." Fang commented, "Light's the Queen of Repression Town. You gotta go into this these things slow."

"…Ew, Fang." Vanille said, as she turned back to her chips, "…Well, at any rate, Lightning. I hope you get some while you stay with us. You can use my bed if you'd like."

"…No… thank you." I replied, feeling disgusted at the idea.

Just as Fang and I both set our glasses down, Vanille started talking again. "At least have _someone_ eat you out while you're here. And make sure it's someone who really knows how to get in there and eat you like you're they're last god damn meal on Earth. Someone who'll hold your damn hips and thighs down and go to town until you're moaning and pleading with them to stop cause it feels _too_ damn good." She grabbed at the air and started making sounds that resembled a small, rabid and demented dog, "They're just like, _arrrrrrr_ , and you're just like, _ooooohhhh_ , and you don't know where you're supposed to grab on to and hold because they're taking you into their mouth and sucking on you and tongue fucking you like—"

" _VANILLE_." Fang practically shouted when she saw the blank stare I was giving Vanille.

"What?" Vanille asked, "That's what it was like when that girl ate me out. God, if only I were gay. That would have been a match made in heaven…" She elbowed me, "Maybe I can find her again for you, Light? I think I still have her number stored in my phone…"

"…I think I'm good." I said, "…I'm … I'm good."

"You thinkin' about it, eh, Lightning?" Vanille asked, as she still elbowed me.

"No. I'm not."

"You're lucky, see." Vanille leaned forward for her water, "You like girls. And what does a girl know better than another girl's muff? You're already winning. Me? I have to deal with stupid men. It's so rare to find a guy that can eat you out with the same ferocity and enthusiasm that a girl can."

"…Can you… can you _please_ make her stop talking?" I asked Fang.

Vanille was busy staring off at the ceiling while eating her chips again while Fang leaned past me to stare silently at her. She was about to start up again when she saw Fang's face and instantly closed her mouth and shoveled a bunch of chips into her mouth again. I sighed in relief and Fang slouched down against the couch again.

"I think I'm ready to go to sleep." I finally said. Not because I was sleepy… I just wanted to be alone with Fang for a little while. Without Vanille around with her incessant and somewhat insipid chatter.

"Yeah…" Fang nodded in agreement, "…Yeah, me too."

"But it's barely eleven." Vanille whined, as she rolled up her bag of chips, "Come on. Stop being so _old_ you two."

"Vanille, hush." Fang nodded her head in the direction of the stairwell, "Go on, I'll clean up and be up in a few."

"You sure?"

She nodded and I turned around without another word.

-x-

"You weren't really tired, were you?" Fang finally asked after we had settled down into bed.

"A little…" I replied.

"I'm sorry about Vanille… she doesn't know how to chill at times. I'll talk to her if you want."

I shook my head, "No… no, oddly enough. What she was talking about didn't really bother me." I turned over on my side so I could look at her in the darkness, "I've thought about it here and there. But never for too long."

"You mean having someone go down on you?"

The high was definitely wearing off because I could feel my inhibitions coming back at full force. "I was always curious in high school. I put it out of my mind after we moved to Luxerion. I put _anything_ sexual out of my mind after we moved to Luxerion."

"As if I didn't know that."

"But I don't want to anymore." I swallowed past the lump in my throat, "…Fang, what's it like?"

"What? Giving head? Or receiving it?" She asked, "Giving head to a guy is pretty much the same shit over and over again. At least, it was for me. You find the right trick or two and you can turn all of them out over and over again. As for girls, well…"

"…Well?" I asked.

She laughed and then turned to look at me, "Ain't got much experience there."

"…What do you mean?" I asked.

"Receiving, sure." She said and shrugged, "But I've never really given much."

"I thought you said you had sex with girls and guys and everything in-between?"

Fang sighed, "Let's put it this way. I've received a lot from girls, but I ain't given much. Meaning, I've had a lot of heads hard at work between my legs, but I haven't been down on any. Got it?"

"…Well, why?"

"Never felt right. I mean, I've sucked a lot of dick in my day, Light, but girls… girls …I could never do it."

"But, _why_ , Fang."

I felt Fang rustle in the sheets and slide over to my side of the bed. I could hear her swallow before she leaned forward and kissed me. Slow… and soft. She found my one of my hands underneath the sheets and clasped it in her own. When she pulled away, I touched the fingers of my hand that wasn't holding hers to my lips and realization dawned on me in an instant.

"... _Why_ do you think, Lightning?"

" _Fang_." Her name sounded broken in my ears and my heart was so full I felt like I was going to die from the pain, "You can't…"

"I always hoped you'd come back to me, you know?" She asked, "It's been a selfish wish, I know. But it seems to have finally happened eight years later. I know you hate what you are, and I'm trying to make you see that it's all right… that even when you feel like everything and everyone is against you that I'll still love you at the end of the day, Lightning. I always have and I always will.

"But _why_ me?" I almost pleaded with her, "I have nothing to offer you besides eternal hate and contempt. I'm cold and emotionless. I'm brash and rude. I never say what I'm thinking… intimacy makes me uncomfortable and I can't deal with people most of the time."

Her laugh was gentle and came from the heart, "Opposites attract, I guess. You're just as weird as I am and I love you for it." She said, "I know you don't like to label things, which is why I didn't really say anything about all those little kisses you've been stealing from me over the past week and a half. I thought… I don't know. I thought you were trying to accept yourself in some way and come back to the old you. The old _Claire_. Not this emotionless shell of a person she's become."

"I told you why Claire had to die."

"Maybe she didn't. Maybe all Claire needed was a bit of tender loving care." Fang said, grabbing hold of me and pulling me in so that I could rest my head on her chest again, "I was too fucked up back then to really give you what you needed. I didn't know how to help you… so I thought I could make things better by just being near you, yeah?"

I sighed, "I don't know, Fang. I don't. I mean… I felt the same way back then. I always saw you as protection of some sort. You were always taller and stronger than I was… and I know I didn't need a protector…"

"I guess you don't remember all those times I woke up to you having nightmares in the middle of the night and unquestioningly rolled over to spoon up against you so that you'd calm down?"

"…Yeah, I remember those." I said, "Fang… I'm trying, okay? I'm trying to accept this."

"I know you are." She said, "You don't have to give up your faith just because you'd contradict the belief system by openly expressing your sexuality."

"But… you see, I…"

"Yes?"

"I don't know." I said, "I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to believe anymore. I told you this earlier. And it's not just being in Yusnaan that's done this to me. I've felt this way for awhile now… but I've tried to fight it so I didn't have to acknowledge it."

"I know." She said, "And it's okay if you don't have all the answers just yet."

"I know… and honestly, I'm starting to believe that for once. Maybe the present is okay for now. Maybe it's time to stop fighting for an unknown future made up of what ifs and heavily clouded maybes." I sighed and bowed my head so that my forehead was pressed just below her collar bones, "…Fang?"

"Yeah?" She asked, her voice vibrating against my cheek.

"…Remember what Vanille was talking about earlier?"

"Lightning, if you're asking me to fuck your brains out with my tongue, I'll gladly do it."

" _God_ dammit, do you have to be so crass?"

"Light, I ain't no blushin' virgin like you are." Fang chuckled, "…Well, is that what you were going for? You want me to, don't you?"

"…I'm just curious…"

"Say no more." Fang said, rolling me over so that I was on my back, "And I'm _sorry_. What I _meant_ to say is, I'd gladly do you the honor of making love to you if you want me to. Sorry, after all these years of random faces and names, it's hard to call it anything less."

" _Fa—"_

She silenced me by pushing a slender finger underneath my chin to meet her quickly descending lips. One finger slowly crept into a whole hand that caressed the side of my face as she tightened her thighs around my hips. Fang didn't kiss me for long because she leaned back slowly, grasping the edges of her t-shirt, and pulled it off as quickly as she had pulled it on before bed.

In the dim light that managed to seep in through her partially parted windows I could see the outline of her body and felt my breath catch in the back of my throat. Fang and I had been close to coming this far in our teens … _really_ close. But I'd always backed out before she could so much as get her hands through the belt loops of my jeans to pull them off my hips and thighs.

Confronted with her as she was now, staring down at me so silently… but with so much adoration and love in her eyes, I was feeling more exposed than I had before in my entire life. But I shouldn't have… I should have felt safe because of the other person who was in the room with me. And I did feel safe even though trepidation was a slowly solidifying pit in the bottom of my stomach.

"You okay?" She whispered.

I lowered my gaze. Too intense… everything was too intense. The world was spinning again and I didn't know how to make it stop. I nodded my head even though I felt like fisting my hands into the sheets and pulling them up over my head. "…Yeah."

"You sure?" She asked again.

I nodded and looked up to meet her again. She took that as a silent cue to lean down and start kissing me again. I expected Fang to be all muscle and rough skin. Sure, she had her feminine traits but the girl was rock solid. Punching her stomach was almost like hitting a brick wall.

Her hand slowly grasped the edge of my shirt and pulled it up over my head so that I was just as topless and exposed as she was. She moved to press me back down in the bed, her hands winding themselves into my hair as her mouth and tongue found my neck. I didn't know what in the hell I was supposed to do with my hands. Put them on her hips? Put them on her back? Her … _ass_?

I settled on resting my arms around her back. Which seemed to suit her just fine, because she slowly removed them from around her back and clasped them together with her own. Fang kissed a straight line down to my breasts, eager tongue finding the valley between the two mounds and stopped for a moment as if to make a decision of some sort. She glanced at me for a minute and then let go of my hands. Before I could sit up and question what she was doing, she pushed my breasts together and slowly let her palms graze across my nipples.

"Tell me, Light… no one's ever gotten this far with you… right?"

"You _know_ that." I said, starting to feel my concentration being stolen away from me with the way she kept massaging my breasts.

"Just makin' sure." She said, leaning forward, "…Never realized how soft and nice your tits were, Lightning. You're in luck. I'm a big fan of tits, didn't you know?"

" _Fang_." I huffed, wanting her to get on with things and stop teasing me already.

"Sounding impatient there. Must feel nice to have someone play with them, hm?" Fang said, leaning forward to kiss me quickly on the lips, "All right, all right, I'll get on with it then."

She let them drop from her warm hands, leaned forward to take wrap her arms around my back, pulled me toward her and took one soft mound into her mouth. Fang's tongue flicked against my nipple, she sucked gently and I felt the urge to cross my legs as if I had to pee really badly. I opened my mouth, but no sound came out.

Fang gave the other breast the same treatment before turning her attention to my stomach. She pressed small butterfly kisses to my skin, hands still as hot as ever trailing down my sides and pausing to grip my hips. She had me on my back again, but she was still hovering above me and looking down at me. Two fingers hooked the edges of my panties on both sides and she paused for a moment.

"…Lightning."

"Yes?"

"…You know you're beautiful, right?" She began. It was always hard to accept her when she said things like that, "I mean it. I want you to see it one day. I feel like you used to … but that sight's been lost to you somehow."

"...Fang."

"You don't really have to respond. …I just want you to know that. Okay?"

She wordlessly pulled my panties off my hips and down my legs, along with the last dregs of shame. What was going on in her head? My heart was racing and my mind was completely blank. My mouth was dry and I had to shut my eyes in an attempt to shut everything out that was threatening to collapse in on me.

"… _Lightning_. Looks like you're ready and rarin' to go, babe."

"Just what do you _mean_ by that?" I asked, almost sitting up before she pressed a hand to my chest and stopped me.

"…Should I put it delicately or give it to you raw?" She asked.

"Just give it to me raw like I know you want to." I said, leaning back on my elbows and quelled the need to roll my eyes at her. Even in the heat of intimacy, Fang would be _Fang_.

"You're wet as fuck, babe." Fang said, an almost predatory glint in her eyes. She gently pushed a finger inside of me and I jerked my hips back at the sudden intrusion. She held her thumb and middle finger up for emphasis and rubbed them together, "And I don't think you realize how much of a turn on that is."

"…I'm assuming very?"

"It's taking every ounce of my control to not pin you down to this bed and fuck you like the animal I am." She muttered, "Remember what Vanille said?"

"I'm trying not to." I said, feeling my mood drop at the mention of her cousin.

"No, I mean the whole finding someone to eat you like you were their last meal thing." Fang said, slowly running her hands up my thighs and parting them as she let her hands roam back down, "Because that's what I intend to do, Lightning." She gave me one more look that clearly told me she was done with speaking and that any other conversation would wait until she brought me to whatever orgasm she deemed satisfactory.

I let myself fall back on the bed and crossed my arms over my chest. Fang gripped my hips in strong hands and pushed me back some so that I was slightly propped up on the pillow behind me. I lost myself in my head for a minute as she trailed her way back down my body, peppering my abdomen with the same soft butterfly kisses from earlier. For once my mind wasn't riddled with all the what ifs, buts and maybes that I liked to harass myself with through the day. But, for once… for once, just knowing that it was just Fang and I alone in that room at that moment was okay.

She pressed a kiss to my thigh and my heartbeat reached a maddening rush that I couldn't calm down. Fang must have felt me tense up because she gave me a quick pat on my thigh, but didn't look up. " _Relax,_ Lightning." She murmured.

" _How_." I whispered back. Look at where she was. Look at what she was _doing_. She hummed to herself but didn't answer. My forehead crinkled slightly and my chest began heaving heavily in trepidation…or was it anticipation?

She was teasing me and she knew what she was doing. I sighed and fell back onto the pillow, finding the image of her brushing her nose against the most intimate part of me all too much to take in at the moment. Her hair tickled my thighs, trailing after her as she took her sweet time with me. I guess she'd been waiting for this moment for so long that she wanted to savor it for as long as she could. To think that Fang waited for me for so long made my heart ache in ways that I hadn't felt since my mother died and my sister left.

Fang finally pressed my legs down a bit more and spread me apart to open me up. "…Don't be shy now."

"…Are you talking to me? Or … down ...there?"

"A combination of both." She answered without an ounce of embarrassment or shame.

I threw my hands over my eyes and sighed at her, " _Fang_."

"You must want it badly if you keep begging like that."

I was about to respond until she cut me off with a small flick of her tongue and chuckled when I let out a surprised gasp. She pulled my thighs up over her shoulders, flattened her tongue and all but pushed me entirely into her mouth. It wasn't the most _intense_ feeling, but it was different from anything I'd experienced. And the way that Fang was intent on burying her face between my legs, sucking me and flicking her tongue against me, I knew that that feeling was just going to keep building until I couldn't take it any longer.

She worked me with her mouth until I felt something hot and heavy pulling at my lower abdomen. It wasn't a constant feeling, but whenever Fang would do something rough, like forcefully pulling me back to her when I tried to edge away, it would build. Kind of like a cramp that was trying to push its way out of my body. And it stayed there, just building and building until I couldn't breathe or even think straight.

"… _Fang_ …?" My voice was trembling and I knew I was close.

Her wordless response to me moaning her name was arching her shoulders so that my legs were raised a little higher and she slipped two wet, gentle fingers inside me. I felt the tension building between my legs spread throughout my entire body as Fang hooked her fingers inside of me and took all of me into her mouth. I'm pretty sure my eyed bugged before I closed them and let out a sound that was a cross between a moan and a sound for help. …Not that I needed it.

I tried pulling away from her again but she planted a firm hand on my abdomen to hold me down. My hips pushed up off the bed and I'm pretty sure she growled at me as she forced them back down. I tried to move my legs, but she had my right thigh firmly hooked into her left elbow and my other leg was held close to her body at the calf. I was torn between telling her to stop and to hurry up already. Things were starting to get uncomfortable and I couldn't take it anymore.

I came laughing... or maybe I was crying, because there were tears in my eyes. But, I felt this incredible warmth and sense of liberation in my chest. It was as if someone had cracked my ribs open one by one and flooded my abdominal cavity with the warmest and soothing liquid in the world. I felt full. Full of something that I hadn't felt in a long time. I don't think I could have found a word for it, because I didn't even know what _it_ was. I covered my face with my arm as the feeling of warmth gave way to something else.

Fang eventually slowed down her rhythm when my body stopped its rapid spasms. I felt uncomfortable and empty as she removed her fingers from inside me and gently set my legs down from off her shoulders. I was sure to have bruises in the morning where she'd grappled with me to keep me from moving off the bed.

"…Light, are you crying?" She asked, as she crawled up beside me and threw a protective arm around my waist to pull me close. "…Babe, you okay?"

"I'm fine, Fang. I'm …I'm fine." I nodded even though I didn't remove my arm away from my face, "I … just… it made me feel something different. Something I haven't felt before."

I felt her hand gently move my arm from across my face so that I could look at her, "…Nothin' bad, right?"

I shook my head, "I just… feel full. In a completely different way that I'm not used to." I crossed my legs as I felt another spasm come on and my breath hitched slightly, "… _Really_ not used to."

" _Well_ ," Fang began as she rummaged around under hips for something. She pulled out a small piece of crumpled fabric which I realized were my panties. She leaned forward and pulled them over my feet and calves, realizing my legs were useless at the moment, "If you'll let me. I'll gladly do it again so you can get _used_ to it."

As she pulled my panties up over my thighs and onto my hips, she let one of her hands linger between my legs as if for added emphasis. I frowned at her and huffed, "Once in one night is fine right now, thank you."

Her grin intensified when my thighs tightened around her hand, "… _Wow_ , you're still coming huh?"

" _Fang_."

She laughed at my embarrassment and lay back down on the bed again. I turned into her and she pulled the sheets up around my shoulders as well as her own. Fang laid her arm over my waist again and sighed in content, "…You're okay with it right?"

"Not entirely." I said, "…Things are always different in the night before than in the morning after. But if you're worried I'm going to run back to Luxerion to pray all day, you're wrong about that. …I feel guilt… but those feelings don't outweigh how I feel about being here with you."

"What do you mean?"

"You're warmth where there's nothing but frigid cold." I said, placing a firm hand over her bare chest and gently pressed down over where her heart was, "…The thought of being here with you far outweighs any thought of condemnation from God. At least, for now it does."

"…You really mean that?"

I nodded slowly, "I've always felt that. Even when I spent so many years trying to drive you away." I admitted, "I told you before, I would rather try and kill myself slowly than allow anyone in to help me. But I'm trying to change that. And how else am I going to do that if I don't … if I don't open myself up to something like this?"

"I guess that's one way of puttin' it." Fang sighed, "You better not freak out in the morning. I just gave you the best damn orgasm of your life for Etro's sake."

I bowed my head, "Go to sleep, Fang."

"If you're okay, I will?"

I looked back up at her, "I am."

She leaned in to press a chaste kiss against my lips and then hugged me closer with her left arm so that our legs were tangled and we were pressed chest to chest. Fang was out before I was, chest rising and falling rhythmically and her right arm sprawled out just above my head. I watched the lights filtering in from the city outside her windows shift and move across her bedspread, and let their fading and reemerging shapes slowly lull me to sleep.


	7. electric flood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The expression Fang describes to Lightning actually comes from an Arabic word/phrase called ya'aburnee.

I was fourteen and swimming in Bodhum's ocean at the dawn of summer.

The water was a crystalline shade of sea foam green and it was still cool, not yet warmed by the sun that appeared at half mast on the horizon. I would shed my clothing until I was only in my underwear, not caring for proper swim attire as I knew no one would be around at this hour. My descent into the water was slow, letting the powerful waves wrap around my ankles before completely submerging myself into its depths and diving forward into the salty mass.

That's what I felt like when I opened my eyes the next morning to find the sun just peaking over the buildings of the Augur's Quarter and flooding Fang's room with light. At an earlier point in my life, I might have likened the rays of the sun to hellfire. As I told Fang before, God saw everything with the first breath of sunlight.

Everything was quiet save for the chirping of birds on the windowsill and the occasional shouting of voices from down below. Fang was still sleeping, her face peaceful and completely void of expression. Her arm was still wrapped around my hips even though the sheets had fallen off of both our shoulders during the night and gave me a rather … spectacular and hardly unwanted view of her breasts.

I should have turned away …or at least averted my eyes. It wasn't …proper… but it didn't stop me from wanting to look. I closed my eyes and merely snuggled my way up against her chest again, so that the crown of my head was tucked underneath her chin. Fang stirred gently but didn't wake up.

( _Snuggle? …Lightning Farron doesn't snuggle.)_

As I lay there listening to Fang's breathing in the stillness of morning, I knew I was okay with what happened last night. It was like someone finally gave me the energy and to break through the surface of the ocean and gasp for my first breath of air again. The dull, ache in my lungs subsided and my head stopped hurting. It wasn't like my mind was completely blank …or that the repercussions weren't floating in the back of my mind. But the good far outweighed the bad in this instance and for once… I felt at peace … truly at peace.

I removed my hands from underneath the sheets and slowly fingered the tattoo on her shoulder. I never really understood what it was, but it fit her perfectly. My finger trailed along her shoulder, down her collar bone and up her neck to her jaw. I pushed her cowlicky bangs away from her forehead and leaned forward to give her a quick kiss on her lips. Needless to say, I was surprised when Fang seized my wrist, rolled me onto my back and pried my mouth open with her tongue. Well, good morning to you too.

"You were awake this whole time weren't you?" I asked when she finally pulled away and had the audacity to look sheepish.

Fang pulled the sheets up over her head so that we were cocooned in a land of white. I spread my legs so she could lay between my thighs. She laid down so that her hands were splayed just above my breasts and rested her cheek on her crossed wrists, "Of course. I could barely sleep last night."

"And why is that?" I asked.

"Why do you think?" She asked, as she closed her eyes, "Thinking of you and all those wondrous little sounds you made last night. God damn, Light. If I had a dick I don't think you'd be able to walk right now." She tried dropping her accent as she mimicked my voice, " _Fang_. Please, _don't_ stop."

"…Etro, it's too early for you right now." I said, resisting the urge to slap my forehead.

"You always told me there was no such thing as Lady Luck." Fang chuckled, "Well, do you believe in her now?"

I sighed, "Should I?"

"…You know I do." She said as she removed her hands from underneath her cheek and slowly moved them downward so that they grazed my nipples. "Well?"

I felt a familiar heat pooling in my lower abdomen again and pushed myself up on my elbows so that Fang had to ease up as well, "…Can we eat something first before we do … _that_ again?"

Fang stared at me and then lowered her gaze back down to my chest, "To be perfectly honest, I was intent on having you for breakfast. Ever heard the expression, 'I could eat a peach for hours.'?"

I pushed the sheets off my head and sighed in exasperation, "Fang. Up. Now."

"Light it's barely 9AM. Come on, how about a little romp in the sheets?"

" _UP_."

"Fine." She said, "But I don't intend on making my breakfast into brunch, I'll have you know."

Fang rolled out of bed and stretched her arms over her head. I had a rather impressive view of her backside as she arched her back and cracked her spine. As she bent down to pick her shirt up from off the floor, I patted around in the bed and looked around for my own. When I couldn't find it I pulled the sheets up to my chin and waited for Fang to turn back to me.

She crossed her arms over her chest. "Don't get shy on me now, sunshine. I've seen it all already." Fang laughed as she sat back down on the bed beside me.

"Where did you throw my shirt last night?" I asked.

She shrugged and looked over her shoulder, "I don't know, could be anywhere." Fang rose from the bed, "But, I got something better for ya."

"And that is?"

Fang picked herself up off the bed and walked over to her closet. She slid the door back and pulled something off a hanger and chucked it onto the bed, "Try that on."

It was a silk, black robe embroidered with gold dragons and roses on its back. I nearly balked as I held it up in my hands and then looked at Fang's amorous smile, "You seriously want me to wear this? I'm not going downstairs in this and Vanille is still here."

Fang waved a dismissive hand, "She's probably already on her way to Arcadia to spend the day with Hope."

"And you know this how?"

"Because they always do this. Hope comes here one weekend, Vanille goes there the next. They're exhausting." Fang muttered, "Now come on, put it on. It'll look cute on you."

"Admit it." I said as I slid my arm into one of the sleeves of the robe, "You just want an excuse to get me to wear your clothes."

"That's a nice idea, but I'd rather take them off." Her grin intensified, "Now come on, put it on."

I slid my arm into the other sleeve and pulled the two sides together before sliding off the bed. Fang's expression seemed to drop and I scoffed, "You're such a pervert."

"Your tits are magical, Light. I could watch them all day." She said, eyes lowering to my chest.

"Yeah, well…" I started, turning away from her so that I could fasten the belt around the robe. I wasn't going to admit I wouldn't mind if she played with them all day as well, "You've seen enough of them for now."

"I'd beg to differ." She said, reaching out her hand, "Well, shall we?"

I looked down at her hand and let her take mine, "What do you have to eat?"

"Probably eggs… and some bread, if it hasn't molded and gone bad." She said as we walked down the stairs, "Milk? I don't know. You see how often we order out in this place."

"Yeah, I do." I said, "Wouldn't it just be more cost effective to buy groceries and cook at home?"

We hit the landing and Fang let go of my hand as we entered the kitchen, "Ain't got time to do that crap. You see how in and out I am all the time…" She trailed off as I took a seat at the island in the center of the kitchen and Fang walked over to the refrigerator, "Let's see… you want some yogurt?"

"Yogurt and eggs?" I asked, "That doesn't sound like an appetizing combination."

She took out the butter and the eggs, "Let's just stick to the original plan, yeah?" I folded my hands in front of me as she set the pan on the slowly heating stove top and lopped a piece of butter into it, "Scrambled, right?"

"Uhm, doesn't really matter." I said.

"…Huh, that's strange." Fang said, as she cracked an egg into the pan, "Could have sworn you were always particular about your eggs when I used to cook for you way back when."

I shook my head, "I'm feeling … spontaneous."

" _Whoa_ ," Fang said, "One night with me and you're suddenly ready to be adventurous, huh? What next, you start swearing and cussing at everything that exists?"

"No, I'll leave the filthy and degenerative mouthing off to you." I replied monotonously, "Just make them however you like, Fang. I'll eat them either way."

"I'm sure you will." She cracked another egg into the pan and the sizzling became louder as she scraped the pan with a spatula, "So, how about you and I hit the town today?"

"Hm?" I asked, "Like a _date_?"

"Yeah," She said, turning around to look at me as the eggs popped in the heat behind her, "Like a _**date**_."

"…I don't know, I…" I looked back down at my nails as I sat my hands back down in my lap. A date? A date should have been easy compared to what I allowed Fang to do to me last night. I crossed my arms over my chest and rooted my bare feet into the steel legs of the bar stool. "…I don't…"

"You don't have to explain." Fang said, "I understand."

"But I haven't said anything."

She shrugged, "Maybe I'm moving things along a little too fast. …I mean, last night was a big leap after all, wasn't it? You wanna do this 'behind closed doors' thing for a little while before we take it out into the big gay open, right?"

"Maybe?" I said, "I don't even know."

"You already gave the biggest middle finger you could muster to Bhunivelze last night. Ain't no going back from that, babe." Fang chuckled, "Well… there's something else you've yet to do. Something that'll permanently condemn your mortal soul to hell."

"That is?" I asked, raising my eyebrows. I'd just had sex with another woman last night and I wasn't even freaking out about it. What else could I possibly do?

"Think you could eat a peach for hours, Lightning?" Fang asked as she reached to open the cabinet above her head and pulled out a plate.

As if I felt like I couldn't die from blushing already, I immediately averted my gaze from Fang and looked down at my hands again. " _Fang_."

"Don't worry; I'm a patient teacher, Lightning." She laughed harder as she spooned two eggs onto the plate and set it down to the side of her. I was about to get up when she waved at me, "No, stay." I was halfway off the chair when she turned around and advanced toward me. I nearly yelped when she reached around my hips and hoisted me off the chair.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? Do I look like a child to you?" I said, sinking my nails into the fabric of her shirt.

"Not a chance." Fang said as she sat me down on the counter. I tried to move to get off, but her hand pressed firmly to my stomach and she cut her eyes at me in a way that meant I better stay put. I sighed in irritation as she opened a drawer just under my leg and removed a fork. She pulled the plate over to her and cut into a piece of the egg. She held it up to my mouth and hummed, "Ahhh…"

I stared death at Fang and felt the urge to kick her right then and there. "You're not feeding me."

"Aww, where's your sense of romance, sunshine?" She asked, as she took a bite of the egg off the fork.

"This isn't romantic. This is treating me like a deranged, overgrown three year old." I said.

She cut into another piece of the egg and held it in front of my mouth again, "Come on, I just slaved over a hot stove for you, woman. The most you can do is eat my cooking."

I groaned inwardly and opened my mouth so that she could fork the egg into it. I chomped down on the silverware and frowned at her. Fang in turn smiled at me and patted me on the thigh. She had just turned to chop off another piece of egg and held it out for me to bite, when I heard a door creaking from down the hallway leading to Vanille's room. Fang's eyes widened as mine narrowed and she muttered a quick shit under her breath before we both heard Vanille's gasp coming from the archway of the kitchen.

"Oh, _wow._ What am I interrupting?" She asked, surveying the stove and then looked to where Fang was currently leaning on the counter between my thighs, "What type of party are you guys having in here?"

Fang slowly removed the fork from my mouth and I bit down on the eggs so hard, I nearly chomped my tongue in half, "No Vanille's allowed. That's what type of party this is."

Vanille nodded her head as if understanding nothing that Fang just said. She looked at me and clasped her hands together. Whatever she had to say to Fang she didn't want me to hear, because she switched over to their mother tongue. For once, Fang didn't look too angry with what Vanille was saying and the expression on her face relaxed as she waved Vanille away. Vanille smiled wordlessly and waved at me as left the kitchen.

"What was that about?" I asked as she Fang chopped off another piece of egg and held it up for me to eat.

"Nothin'." Fang muttered, unable to meet my eyes.

I swallowed the eggs and then grabbed hold of Fang's wrist as she went to go chop off the last few bites, "Don't tell me 'nothin'', Fang. You can't even look at me right now."

"It's _nothin_ ' all right?" She looked up at me and I could have sworn she was getting redder by the minute. Well this was new. What in the world had Vanille just said to her?

"...You're blushing." I said.

She nearly shoved the next bit of egg into my mouth and I raised my eyebrows as she set the fork back down and sighed. "Vanille… knows about you and I."

"I thought that was evident."

"No, I mean. She _knows_ about us. Our history." Fang said, as she pinched the bridge of her nose and massaged it, "…Everythin', Light. From growing up together in Bodhum to me constantly trying to get you to leave Luxerion. She may not look like it, but Vanille's really perceptive when she wants to be. She just hides it all under a veil of optimism and ditziness."

"I'd expect as such." I said as I shrugged in a dismissive manner, "So, what's the problem? Why the sudden demureness?"

Fang punctured the yolk of one of the eggs and lifted the fork so that the yellow liquid dripped slowly back down onto the plate, "Ever had a feeling you can't explain? Or just… you have so many things going on in your head at once that you can't think straight?"

"Fang, do you have any idea who you're talking to right now?"

"Yeah, yeah, I know." She sighed and dropped the fork back to the plate, "I just… there's a lot going on in my head and my heart right now, Light. And Vanille didn't say much." Fang turned to look out the window at our side, "…She said she hoped you would bury me…"

"… _Bury_?" I asked.

"It's an expression in Oerba and that's the closest translation I can get to it in English. It's basically saying that you want the person you're in love with to outlive you to spare you the pain of living without them."

"Well, that's morbid." I said, "...Considering everything you and I have been through together, I guess I can understand it. But, where does that leave the other person?"

Fang shrugged, "I don't know, it's not supposed to be philosophical, Light. It's just an expression of love. It's poetic, you know?"

"Morbid." I repeated. But somewhat … endearing.

She chuckled, "Yeah, I guess that too."

I nodded toward the remainder of the eggs she'd made a mess of on the plate, "Guess you're done feeding me then?"

She nodded and planted two firm, warm hands on the tops of my thighs, "How about we get ready, yeah? We've spent enough time cooped up in this kitchen and I want to spend as much time with you as I can before I'm back to being a slave to the nine to five."

-x-

Our hands kept brushing up against one another the entire time we were out.

I definitely wasn't ready to hold Fang's hand and Fang wasn't going to push me to do so. But, we stayed close and for once, the conversation between the two of use seemed to flow easily and without restraint. She led me away from her apartment building and down the winding corridor leading to a bevy of shops and restaurants in the Fountain Square.

"So, where exactly are we going?" I asked.

Fang shrugged, as we walked past the various vendors shouting out what wares they had for sale, "I dunno, figure we'd go where the wind takes us."

"…Right." I muttered.

"All that really matters is that I'm with you, right?" She asked, looking away from something she'd been eyeing in a shop and turned to me instead.

"Yeah…" I paused as we neared the vendor I usually bought tea from on my weekly trips to the bookstore, "Can we stop here first?"

"Tea?" She asked.

"Yeah." I said as I stepped under the shade of the awning, "Good morning."

" _Ah_ , if it isn't my favorite out of towner." He looked from me to Fang who stepped in beside me and pushed her sunglasses up on top of her head, "And you've brought a friend with you this time, hm? Come to taste the delights of my freshly brewed tea?"

I shook my head, "No, just me."

"Lightning, you've been making friends and you ain't tell me?" Fang asked as she crossed her arms over her chest. I could hear the mirth in her voice as she turned her attention on the vendor, "You know she's a quiet one, yeah?"

He chuckled, "Ah, yes. I can tell. Polite, too. One of my most frequent customers."

"Yeah, she really likes the stuff." Fang nodded to him, "I'll take what she's having. Sweetened though."

"Coming right up."

He set two plastic cups down in front of us and Fang swatted my hand away as she dropped the gil down for both of them. She handed me my cup and I thanked her before glancing away as she waved to the vendor and we carried on.

"So, you're a _regular,_ huh?" She asked, pushing her sunglasses back down over her eyes.

"Not so much." I said, averting her knowing look. "He makes good tea."

"I can see that. You're just so _quiet_ and _polite,_ Lightning."

"Shut up, Fang." I shielded my eyes from the sun and squinted, "Where are we going now?"

"First, to buy you some shades." She said, grabbing my hand and pulled me into another vendor's stall, "Cause I'm sick of you squinting at the sun."

I allowed her to push various styles of glasses onto my face, watched her scrutinize the current pair she had in mind, then mutter how it clashed with my hair or skin tone as she tried another. Fang eventually settled on a pair of classic black aviators and an odd pair that she seemed to really like but I couldn't exactly get with.

"I look like I'm wearing a ski mask." I said as she handed me the odd pair to try on again, "And they're too opaque. This is hardly going to protect my eyes from anything."

"You look like a super hero. Like batwoman or something." Fang grinned, "I think they're cute. Maybe you could punch out the lenses and use them for reading glasses or something."

"…Fang, no." I pulled them off and picked up aviators with the darker lenses, "If you're going to spend your money on anything, get these."

"Well, _I'm_ gonna buy them both for you." Fang said.

"Whatever, it's your money."

Once we were done with that minor detour, Fang and I proceeded on toward the Aromatic Market. She muttered something under her breath about her lack of breakfast as we passed by some place selling crepes and looked pointedly at me. I rolled my eyes at her in return. For some reason, I felt like we were two teenagers on a date at a mall. Awkward, talking in random bursts and not exactly sure what we were doing or where we should have been going.

Fang finished her iced tea long before I had and chucked it off into a garbage can we walked by. She stretched her arms over her head and looked at me, "So… what are we doing? You see anything along the way that you wanna go back and check out?"

"I don't know, this was your idea." I muttered.

Fang nodded her head off to a vacant bench, "Why don't we sit for awhile?"

She sat down on the bench and I followed suit until something on the wall behind the bench caught my eye. "…What's this … _pride_ festival?" I asked, gesturing toward the vibrant poster in front of me.

"Hm?" Fang picked up her head and then looked behind her shoulder to what I was referring to, "Oh. _That_. Just a day when the entire city turns gay."

"Have you ever been?"

She nodded, " _Sure_. I've been going to pride festivals since we were back in Bodhum. You don't remember?"

I had vague memories of her mentioning something like that a long time ago. "It's happening next weekend…"

She scratched her head, "You wanna go?"

"I didn't say that." I sat down beside her.

"What's the matter? Sound too gay for you?" She asked, "Come on, I can get off next Saturday. It'll be _fun_ , Light."

"…It's too much." I ran my hands over the condensation that was quickly collecting on the outside of the plastic cup, "…What type of stuff happens there anyway?"

"Well… there's a big parade of all the homos in the city. You know, support organizations, jobs in support of their LGBTQ workers and whatnot. Sometimes you've got kids and families marching, health organizations, drag queens, and celebrity personalities… the whole lot of them. Everyone just kinda comes around and it's this big celebration of well… _gay_." She said, "You don't necessarily have to stick around for the parade, there's usually a festival going on in another part of the city with food and events. Tons of free crap, too."

"…And what of the Order?"

"Hm?" She asked, "Oh, some people come and protest but everyone just ignores them. You know, _God wants you to repent._ Bogus shit like that. But, overall. It's generally peaceful." Fang leaned forward to capture my attention. She crossed her arms over her thighs and nudged me gently, "I think you should go. Get in touch with your inner lesbian."

I looked down at the ground, "I can't…"

"I know you want to."

"Even if I did, I…" I looked up toward the sky, "…The whole thing sounds really in your face and I don't know if I'm ready for that type of exposure just yet."

"You said the same thing about me taking you out to that club a few weeks back and look at where we are now."

"…Fang, it's … _fine_ if it's just the two of us behind closed doors." I looked up from the ground to stare out at the myriad of people who were walking all around us, "…But in front of all these people? It's like having a million versions of Bhunivelze walking around and watching everything I'm doing. It's like … it's like if my father were still alive. He would _kill_ me for even being with you right now."

"Yeah, well. That's bastards long dead now and he can't hurt you anymore, babe." She sat up and placed a firm hand on my thigh. I didn't pull away, "…Look, who gives a fuck what other people would say? Most people who don't even care about the parade just pass on by without a second glance. I'm pretty sure if someone saw you walking around with me; the most they'd think is, ' _Oh, look at those two hot lesbians over there. It's a shame they ain't straight'."_

"…I don't want to be some sicko's wet dream." I said, feeling myself frown in disgust.

"Yeah, well." Fang sighed, "That sorta thing happens when you don't exactly fit the classic description of _lesbian_ for the ignorant idiots out there."

"I don't want to _fit_ any type of description." I said, sipping on my iced tea. Fang leaned forward to rest her arms on her thighs again and I looked at her, "…Is it really as happy as you say?"

"Hell, **yeah**." Fang replied, "It's a day where nothing matters but celebrating who you really are. No one's making you feel like shit for the way you were born and it's nice to see that not everyone in the damn world is a close minded asshole."

I sat my iced tea down again, "…Maybe we can go."

"Yeah?" She asked, springing back up with excitement.

"…I said _maybe_." I reiterated.

"That's a yes to my ears." Fang rose up from the bench, "Anyway, that's enough sitting around. You ready to wander again?"

I picked up my cup and got to my feet as well, "Yeah. Lead the way."

-x-

After walking all over Yusnaan for the majority of the day—(which mostly involved Fang dragging me into shops and continuously throwing clothing at me to try on)—I was sitting opposite her at some high end restaurant called the _Banquet of the Lord._ I was trying to persuade Fang to take me someplace different when I saw the prices on the menu, but she outright refused.

"I don't wanna hear another word outta you. Accept what it is to be spoiled." She waved me off as she perused the drink menu.

"…This isn't _spoiling_ me; this is you sending yourself into financial ruin." I said, letting the menu drop from in front of my face, " _19000_ gil for a Behemoth Steak, Fang. _**19000**_ **.** "

"Yeah, can't hear you." She set the drink menu down just as a waitress came over to our table to take our order. After greeting us, Fang grinned and gestured toward the menu that was still held in her hand, "Two Phoenix Downs for me and my _special_ lady friend."

The waitress glanced at me and the way I hid my face behind half of my hand, before smiling and walked away from our table. "Was that necessary?" I asked, as Fang picked up her menu and began to look it over.

"Hm?" She asked.

"Referring to me as your special lady friend."

"Well, you are, ain't ya?"

I sighed and closed my menu as she still looked over hers, "Never mind that. Fang …there's something I want to talk to you about… and it's kind of important."

"This ain't about earlier is it?" She asked, looking up from her menu to focus her attention on me.

I shook my head, "This has nothing to do with being gay … well … maybe somewhat. It's complicated."

She set her menu down and her eyebrows furrowed, "…Everything all right? You're not … you're not having any regrets about last night are you? It's kinda late in the day for that don't you think?"

"No, _no_." I said, turning away from her at the mention of last night. I didn't want those memories right _now,_ thanks. "It has nothing to do with last night. It's about the conversation we had earlier this week."

Her eyes went skyward as she tried to recall what I was talking about and then lowered her gaze back to me, "You mean about you and the priest?"

"The other thing."

"…You being an emotional mess?"

" _Fang._ The **other** thing." I said, "I wanted to talk about Serah."

"Oh." She said, "…Finally?"

"Just … a bit."

"Well? What is it you wanted to talk about?"

"I've been thinking about what you said." I said, "…There's a lot that we have to talk about when it comes to Serah… I don't think any of this will feel right until we talk about her."

"Well, what _is_ it, Lightning?"

I looked up at Fang and saw the earnest expression she was giving me. This type of thing could make or break our relationship. Fang knew how close Serah and I were… how close we had _been._ But she didn't know _everything_ and there was a reason for that. There was a reason for the way everything had gone since my departure from Bodhum.

I realized with the new developments in my relationship with Fang that she deserved to know the whole truth and nothing but the truth. She would have to know eventually. Could she really have a relationship with someone who constantly told her to ignore the problems they had with their last living relative on the planet? Wouldn't she wonder? She'd badger me until I broke and probably lashed out in anger. An excuse of, _'stop talking, I don't want to remember or talk about it'_ wouldn't be enough for her, as it had been in the past.

I shook my head, "I don't want to do it here."

She nearly threw her hands in exasperation, "Well then _why_ did you bring it up?"

"Because." I said, "…I just want you to know that I'm ready to talk about her. If we're going to …" I took a deep breath and l looked her in the eye, "If we're going to be _together_. If we're going to start something… with one another, I want to be honest with you."

Her eyes trailed down from my eyes to where I was picking at my nail beds on one of my thumbs, "You sure you're ready to be honest with me?"

I dropped my hands into my lap and she looked back up at me, "Don't make me question myself, Fang. I do it far too much."

"All right, all right. No questionin'." She waved her hands in mock surrender, "…So, I'm assuming you wanna talk when we get home?"

"Perhaps." I said, picking up my menu again, "I'll let you know."

With the issue of Serah dropped as quickly as it had come up, dinner continued on in an uninterrupted manner. Whatever somber emotion had overcome me before was slowly fading away and I found that I was losing myself in Fang's ever effervescent and eccentric charm. She seemed intent on making the day special even though I was just glad to be with her.

We've all reached points in our lives where we've wondered how we got there. Sometimes the feeling is surreal. You're filled with unbelievable happiness and nothing stands to ruin your future. But sometimes… _most_ times, that happiness is fleeting and it's replaced with nothing but the soul crushing despondency and monotony of day to day living. I've had more soul crushing moments in my life than happy ones … but tonight was a rare occasion.

Fang talked even though I realized I was barely listening. I think she was used to me being a silence audience, nodding along when the time was appropriate and adding small comments here and there. I didn't want her to stop. I just wanted her to keep on talking. Because if she didn't, I was afraid that time was going to stop and I would find that none of this was real.

I realized, nothing felt as it should. Or rather, nothing felt as I expected it to. It was as if I was waiting for something awful to happen. For some reason, I had this sick feeling of déjà vu. I felt as if I was stuck in a world caught at the mercy of a constantly cycling clock. A world standing on the precipice of destruction and I could do nothing to stop the inevitable from happening. Everyone was at the mercy of time and I hated it. I _hated_ it so damn much.

"…Do you ever get the feeling that we're existing in another time?" I asked Fang as she rambled on about some paper a moronic student of hers had submitted for the end of the summer term.

"…Huh?" She asked as I caught her midway in her story, "The _hell_ are you talkin' about, Light?"

"I mean … do you ever get the feeling that your life isn't real?" I asked, "…Do you ever look back at your life and find yourself forgetting certain things or questioning if they ever happened in the first place? I'm just… I'm just having a hard time believing what's happening is real right now."

"You wanna take a breather?" She asked, "We can wrap this up and get everything to go."

I shook my head, "That's not what I meant. I mean… life is surreal. Well, certain things in life are surreal. And I'm having a hard time trying to define what my reality is right now." I took a sip of the drink that she had ordered for me, "Fang… I basically denounced my religion and had sex with another woman all in the span of twenty four hours… _who_ does that?"

"…It's hitting you now, I see…" She stroked her jaw in thought, "Lightning, I'll tell you a story. Remember how I told you I was a little hussy running around and spreading my legs for whomever, whenever when we were younger?"

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Okay, yeah. Let's start with that." Fang began, "…The person I am at fourteen and the person I'm about to be at twenty four existed at two different points in one continuous timeline, did they not?"

"Where are you going with this, Fang?"

"Just humor me for a minute, okay?" Fang said. "Fourteen year old Fang dies, figuratively speaking of course and then sixteen year old Fang decides she's had enough of whatever messed up shit she's doing and wants to change her life, yeah? So she goes back to Oerba and lives with her father for the remainder of high school and college because … well… it's pretty much the best thing for her to do at that point in time."

"And?"

"I know you never liked the subject much, but think of it like a math equation. At each point in your life you're given a set of values, Light. And for some people… sometimes those values are trickier to work with than others. You know, more dividing and multiplying than simple addition and subtraction." Fang leaned forward on the table, "And … for you right now, you're working out the problem of … Fang brings you to Yusnaan. That's an addition. Then, Fang lumps heaps of pressure on you to sort yourself out. You either subtract the religion and add a sensuous and steamy relationship with—"

" _Do not_ delude yourself." I said, stopping her from continuing with her convoluted way of explaining things, "For such a delinquent you seem to have some insightful ways of explaining things."

Fang shrugged, "Just cause I got a few screws loose don't mean I don't know shit about life, Light. That's _why_ the screws are loose."

"Makes stuff easier to deal with, huh?"

"You need a little humor every now an' then to survive, yeah?" She asked me, "But, seriously. Right now you've been given a grander equation than you've had in awhile and you're floundering because you don't know what to do. It's all about equilibrium, you know? Balancing both sides out so that everything fits. …Or getting as close to a solution as you can."

"…Things have always worked better when I ignored them." I said, "…I've always found that my life was easier when I cut off the dead weight and let it fall away without acknowledging it. Better to stuff down feelings than realize that they exist even when I think they don't."

"Certain triggers can still bring shit out." Fang said, tipping her cocktail glass to her lips and downing the rest of her drink.

My eyes lingered on my hand at the thought of her mentioning triggers. For once, no needle, no red thread, no pain. I balled my hand into a fist and placed it firmly on the table, "…So …what you're saying now is that this is reality?"

She nodded, "Uh, yeah. Why wouldn't it be?"

I shrugged and shook my head, "Because I've always known something different. I thought … I felt … I've known …"

"Breathe, Lightning. Try again. I'm listenin'."

"I always thought this would be different after everything is said and done." I said, "I've gone back and forth so many times over the years that I thought I would feel different about everything. But I've stayed exactly the same. …Nothing is different about me that I didn't already know."

"…Which is what I've been trying to tell you for the longest." Fang said as she picked up her fork and twirled it around her plate of spaghetti, "…At the end of the day, the person you're supposed to be exists under whatever you're trying to repress. Bein' gay ain't your entire identity, Lightning. It's only a part of who you are."

"An undesirable part nonetheless." I said and looked away from her when she frowned at me, "…But I'm trying to work through it."

"I know and that's what matters." Fang said as she let her fork drop on her plate.

A loud burst and the crackle of something caught my attention as I stabbed my fork into my salad. I paused when I saw the night sky illuminated by fireworks. An array of blues, reds and green exploded in the sky overhead and Fang titled her head back as well to watch them.

"Well, would you look at that."

"What's the occasion?"

Fang shrugged, "Nothin'. Everyone in this city is crazy and they're always looking for some excuse to celebrate something." She gestured toward the fireworks, "They always have fireworks down on the waterfront on Saturday nights in the summer."

"How festive." I murmured, watching the lights dissolve into nothing.

"Remind you of Bodhum?"

"Somewhat…" I said, leaning back in my chair and closed my eyes. I was starting to get tired. "Do you remember your seventh birthday? Your mom took you, me and Vanille down to the beach and we lit sparklers while she illegally set off fireworks. You were really upset that night."

"Yeah, cause my stupid father didn't show up like he said he would." Fang mused, "And, _wow_ , you remember that?"

I nodded slowly, even though I didn't open my eyes, "Why wouldn't I?"

"…Those words sound strangely familiar." Fang said, "I don't know. You always wonder if your memories are as important to someone else as they are to you."

"…My memories of you always have been."

The words slipped out before I even realized I'd said them and I instantly opened my eyes. I looked up at Fang and found that she wasn't looking at me, but back up at the sky. There was a faint smile on her lips, and I could see more of it reflected back in her eyes when she looked at me. "…I'll pretend I didn't hear that if you want me to."

I cleared my throat and nervously brushed my bangs back over my eyes, "We should…we should get going."

"You gettin' tired? Don't think I didn't see you snoozin' over there."

"Yeah... can we? If you don't mind."

"Nah, I'm ready to pack it up myself."

I wordlessly looked back up at her and she waved the waitress over to our table so she could pick up the check. Once we were situated and the waitress returned with Fang's card, she signed and motioned for me to follow her as well. I picked up my bags as Fang did with hers and we walked down the multitude of stairs that led back down to the street.

Fang waited for me at the bottom as I trailed after her and stopped to stare at me for a minute. When I gave her a questioning look, she smiled at me and turned her back. It wasn't until we were walking side by side that she linked the pinky of her free hand with mine.

…I didn't pull away.


	8. above and below the sun

"Fang?"

"Hm?"

"What … what would you like to do for your birthday?"

Fang hummed thoughtfully as she removed one of her legs from underneath the water and rested it on the side of the tub. She flexed her toes and grimaced, "A refund for that damned pedicure would be nice."

"…Your nails are fine."

"This green is hideous and _bright_." She said, "I regret ever getting it done."

"You _just_ got it yesterday." I said, raising my arm out of the water so I could look at my hand. "I'm the one that should be complaining. What was I thinking when I let you talk me into painting my nails like a rainbow? This is horrifying, Fang."

"I think it looks cute." Fang pushed off from where she had been laying on my chest and turned around in the tub so she could face me. Oddly enough, we fit together in the small space. Even if Fang's legs were too long and it was kind of cramped. "You enjoy yourself today?"

"Yes…" I answered as I sunk down into the cloudy water. She'd insisted on taking a milk bath earlier, "It was … interesting."

"Yeah, I guess that's the only way to describe pride." Fang chuckled and leaned back so that her head was next to the faucet, "I have to admit though, when that drag queen asked you to dance with her I thought you were going to lose it."

"It was an experience." I replied, "But… no, really. What do you want to do for your birthday?"

"Why don't you buy me a cake again and we go down to the shore to celebrate?" Fang asked, "You know I don't care about birthday's, Lightning."

"I know you don't, but I do."

"Sheesh, all right." Fang threw her hands in the air in mock surrender, "What would you _like_ to do for my birthday?"

"Take you out to dinner?" I asked.

"What?" Fang grinned, "What do you wanna do? Take me out for a nice little candlit shindig where you wine and dine me under a full moon?"

"Not as clichéd… but something like that if you'd allow me."

" _Lightning_. Who knew you were such a closet romantic." Fang leaned forward and kissed me quickly on the lips, "Are you serious?"

"Don't embarrass me, Fang." I sighed in exasperation, "You know, you don't have to treat everything as a joke all the time."

"I'm not, love." I could tell the smile on her lips was genuine, "I'm just surprised. …Pleasantly so." She raised her hand out of the water to tap me on the nose and I swatted her away, "And you know you're even more endearing when I'm teasing you. Or when you're on the cusp of orgasm and your voice breaks while you're screaming my—"

I coughed loudly to interrupt her and she stopped talking, though the smile was still evident in her eyes, "…So… may I?"

"Yes. You may." She pulled away from me and leaned on the edge of the bathtub again, "Although … there _is_ something I want for my birthday."

"Yes?"

Fang looked at me and bit her lip, "Though … I'm not entirely sure how comfortable you'd be with it."

"What is it?"

"It's a certain … _toy_."

"…I'm guessing this is of the sexual variety." I said.

"Yeah." Fang said, "It's something I haven't had in a really long time."

Realization dawned on me in an instant and I looked away from her and closed my eyes. There was _no_ way she was asking me to do what I thought she was. I lowered myself down into the tub so that the water was floating just over the bridge of my nose.

"Oi, don't get shy on me now. You _asked_."

I covered my eyes with my hands, "Fang, I _can't_."

"Sure you can, babe." She said, "I know you've thought about it. …Or at least had some dreams about it with the scenario switched. And _don't_ lie to me. I know you didn't roll away from me yesterday morning because you really had to pee. You went off to the bathroom to get yourself off."

" _Fang_." I sunk further into the tub and crossed my arms over my eyes, "I'm not doing it."

"Not even for my birthday?" She asked, " _Please_."

"Aren't you satisfied enough with … with … _you know_."

"My wrist cramps and my jaw gets sore sometimes, thank you very much." She cradled her chin as if for added emphasis, "And that scissoring mess doesn't work well. Sometimes a girl needs an extra something, you know?"

"Not when it's something embarrassing."

"Okay, well. If you were a guy that's what you'd be pegging me with." Fang said, sliding around so that she could lay her head on my chest again, "But you're not a guy so you don't have that sort of junk. Not that I'm complaining. I wouldn't trade you in for anyone else in this world, Light."

I'd never get over her way of being crass and loving at the same time, "I don't even know if I can … you know … _work_ it right."

She shrugged reached back for my arms so that she could wrap them around her chest. Fang planted both her feet on the edges of the tub and flexed her toes again, "I have faith in ya. All it is shovin' it in and out. How hard can it be?"

"...For someone who's lacked that anatomy for twenty four years of her life, very."

Fang shrugged again, "Just tell me you'll think about it?"

I sighed and tightened my hold around her, "Yeah. I'll _think_ about it."

-x-

_Serah steps onto pointe, the wood of the stage creaks under her weight and my mother begins to cough up blood._

_Round and around she twirls to the sounds of hospital machines in distress. It's the beginning of June and it's the last day of the spring concert. I should be there… we should_ both _be there. But my mother is in medical turmoil and I'm standing in front of the window of her hospital room, staring off into the darkened skies of Luxerion as I hear her moan my name._

(Claire.)

_Serah's hands go upon her hips, one leg twisting around the other as she spins around in rapid circles upon the stage. There's no feeling in her eyes and she tries to force herself to smile for the crowd that's come to see her dance._

_She's only seventeen, but she's got a shot of becoming a principal dancer by next year. She can't screw this up, she never screws anything up._

_As the music reaches a fever pitch and her arms extend over her head, she twirls herself off of the stage and into the wings. Groups of other dancers flock to the stage and she steps off into the thick, dark curtains to be alone. Her knuckles press tightly against her lips as she shuts her eyes and wills herself not to cry._

_(Claire.)_

_The nurses are in the room and I don't even notice them._

_My mother's having another fit; this is the third time in one week. They've become more frequent and I'm beginning to wonder that this might actually be the end this time._

_I keep watch on the skies above. I've started praying. It's something new that I've started doing … and I don't know what good it will do. But, my mother always said it helped her find strength when times were rough and she had no idea what else she should do. I cross my fingers in front of my chest and press down onto the necklace my mother gave me upon our arrival in Luxerion._

_A good luck charm she called it._

_I never believed in luck._

(Claire.)

_Snow—Serah's on and off boyfriend of three years—stays with us every now and then._

_I don't approve. I've_ never _approved, but he's been keeping an eye on Serah when I never can. He shadows Serah while she's at the academy and pops up at the hospital with her from time to time. My mother doesn't want her youngest daughter to see her like this. She tells me to keep Serah's mind on dancing, not her frail and dying mother. I tell my mother she's being cruel but she laughs softly at me and says I'll understand when I'm older._

_But I_ **_am_ ** _older and I don't understand any of it._

_(…Claire.)_

_The more blood my mother coughs up, the faster Serah spins._

_Relevé, battement développé, allegro, temps levé, grand jeté, demi detourné, sur le cou-de-pied, adagio._

_Her teachers fling out terms faster than she can keep up and I can see the turmoil reaching her eyes. Her posture slumps, her feet ache and she cries at night because she says she's unable to keep up. I always come home late from the hospital to find her curled up on the couch. She doesn't like sleeping in her room. Mostly it's because she tries to stay up late to try and wait for me._

_Her cheeks are streaked with dried tears, her face is swollen and her eyes are red. I don't ever wake her, merely brush her bangs away from her forehead and kiss her softly on one of her temples. I make tea, light some candles and throw our mother's favorite blanket over her shoulders as she awakens and doesn't say anything._

_On the ground I find a new pair of pointe shoes that she needs me to prepare. I sit before the couch, burning the edges of ribbon and sew them into her shoes, along with the elastic to wrap around her ankles. The shoes crack under the weight of my palms as I press down on the front and break the shank to fit the natural curve of Serah's arch._

_She is quiet, and for a moment, we have peace._

_(_ **_Claire_ ** _.)_

_Last winter, my mother was able to come home for Christmas._

_We sat around the fireplace with Serah on her left side and I sat on the right. She held a black box in her lap and said that she had been waiting to give us what was in the box for a long time. She asked me to open it first and within it laid two identical, metal black bands. For Serah and I, she says. As a reminder for us to stay together._

_We made a promise to her that we would._

(CLAIRE.)

_My mother's coughing intensifies and my hands shake as I cross them together to pray again._

_(CLAIRE.)_

_Serah's crying on the couch in the living room again. She keeps coming home and no one's there._

_(_ **_CLAIRE_ ** _.)_

_Serah's coughing up blood or is it my mother?_

_We are in a sea of black and she bounces limply on her pointe shoes, white dress stained in red. Her arms are long and gangly and her face is completely blank. Her eyes are fixated on me, slowly moving around me in long disjointed circles. She's a broken ballerina in a music box, turning and turning until the music stops playing._

I wasn't there _, she whispers to me._ I should have been there _,_ _she chides again._ Why wasn't I there _?_

_She pauses, one leg extended as she balances on the other. She snaps her neck to look at me. On her face is a smile, but blood seeps through her clenched, white teeth. Her eyes exude sorrow and joy—pure mania. She wants to stop, she needs to stop. But she can't._

_Serah keeps on dancing and I keep on praying._

_Both of us are dying just like our mother and we don't know how to fix it._

_Why can't we fix it?_

_(_ ** _CLAIRE!_** )

_I scream._

-x-

I bolted straight up, sheets tangled around my legs and my heart hammering in my chest. My breathing was labored and my stomach was in knots. I shut my eyes, willing the pressure building between my eyes to go the _fuck_ away.

My eyes found Fang's alarm clock in the darkness of her room. _1:33AM_. I turned to look at her vacant side of the bed and pulled the sheets tightly in my hands. She'd be back home in about three more hours, but I couldn't wait until then.

After grabbing Fang's robe and tying it tightly around my waist, I walked down the stairs to the first level of the apartment. Vanille was up, as I expected her to be. Hope sat opposite her on the couch. The room smelled faintly of weed… which was _also_ expected. Vanille perked up at the sound of me walking down the stairs and her eyebrows rose in curiosity, "What are you doing up, Lightning?"

I grunted, unsure if I should tell the truth or lie as I always did. She wasn't Fang and I sure as hell didn't feel like opening up when she was two seconds away from laughing herself to death. "Couldn't sleep." I answered. A neutral answer. She'd probably think I was getting a glass of water or something and I'd be on my way.

"Missing Fang?" She teased, eyeing the robe draped over my shoulders.

I stared blankly at her for a minute before making my way into the kitchen. I could have sworn I heard her squeak as I walked past and into the darkness. Hope chuckled and Vanille leaned forward to hit him with a pillow. _Kids_.

After getting a glass of water, I reached for the cordless phone in the kitchen and left back for Fang's room. I don't have a mobile phone. I got rid of it a long time ago because I've never had a need for it. Vanille called after me to sleep well and I muttered a half hearted thanks as I ascended the stairs once again. I dialed Fang's number and the line rung twice before she picked up.

"Vanille, what in the _hell_ have I told you about calling—"

"It's me." I said, cutting her off abruptly. It was noisy and I could barely hear her.

"Lightning?" She paused, "What's wrong? Shouldn't you be sleeping?"

"I can't sleep." I said, "…Can you come back early?"

"No, sweetheart, I can't. I'm here for another two hours at least…" She trailed off and I heard her shuffling around. The noise became muffled and it was quiet, "…You okay?"

"…I just…" I sighed and cradled my forehead in my hand, "I had a really awful dream. And it was too realistic for words."

"What was it about?" She asked.

"Serah. And my mother…" I said, "My mother's last days, in fact. I kept cycling through all these memories and I kept hearing Serah screaming my name. Not… not Lightning, but _Claire_. And it was just …" I sighed and massaged the side of my face, "If you can't come home, can I come see you?"

Fang was silent for a minute and then she spoke, "Tell you what. Tell Vanille to get her ass dressed and bring you and Hope around. I'll let you guys hang around for the last show and then we can all go out and get an early breakfast. How's that sound?"

"Can't I just come see you by myself?" I asked. I was more than familiar with the area at that point.

"I don't like you walking the streets of this place by yourself at night." She said.

"Fang, I'm _twenty four_. Not twelve."

"I don't care _what_ you are." She snapped, "Go talk to Vanille. Gotta go."

"But, Fang—"

The line went dead and I sighed in frustration. What was this? I would have expected her to drop whatever she was doing to talk to me, but I suppose … that wasn't always the case. I dropped the phone down on Fang's bed and rose to strip myself of my pajamas and put on some actual clothes. After finishing off my water and throwing on some clothes, I walked back downstairs to find Vanille.

The living room was dark, but Vanille and Hope were still watching TV. They'd switched gears from whatever trashy reality show they were watching earlier for a horror film. Some woman was currently being slashed in half by some masked murderer with a chainsaw. Vanille was screaming in horror and Hope appeared to be laughing at her discomfort.

"Vanille." I said, advancing on them from behind the couch.

Vanille screamed and threw her bowl of popcorn in Hope's direction as she flailed on the couch. Hope started laughing even harder and Vanille scrambled to right herself, " _Lightning_. Don't sneak up on us like that!" She picked up the remote and paused the movie, "I thought you were going back to sleep?"

I held up the phone, "Can you take me over to Fang's?"

As if on cue her phone buzzed on the coffee table and she leaned forward to look at the message. Her eyes scanned the screen, "Please escort my fair lady through the perils of the night so that she may remain at my side." Vanille looked up at me, "What does that even _mean_?"

"It's Fang's way of asking you to take me over to the club."

"Oh." Vanille clicked the button in the center of her phone and set it down at her side, "Is everything okay?"

"It's fine." I said.

Vanille cocked her head to the side, "…But it's almost 2AM. …Kind of an odd hour to be going to see someone, don't you think? Can't you just wait until she comes home?"

" _No._ " I finally snapped, growing tired of Vanille's interrogation.

"Okay, _okay._ " She finally hopped to her feet and looked at Hope who shrugged, "Come on Hope, we've got a damsel in distress to escort to her knight in shining thigh high's."

I could punch Vanille, I swear.

-x-

Fang had come clean with me about where she disappeared to late at night a few days ago. I had started meeting her on her lunch breaks when she worked, and we often grabbed something small and sat around people watching to pass the time. I had been talking about this book I started reading when she abruptly blurted out: _I used to be a belly dancer._

When she first moved to Yusnaan, Fang would constantly bitch and complain about how she was just scraping by on the stipend she received for her job as a TA. Not that I felt she had the right to complain. She had received a full ride for her grad program and she was living on campus. But that was never enough for Fang, and the whole _dorm_ life thing never suited her much. She says she left, but I still suspect she was kicked out. Either way, she needed to find another job, because rent in Yusnaan was astronomical. You paid for the location, not the space of your apartment.

So, she landed one job at the boutique she still works at—(and regrettably manages, as she adds)—and the other at the hookah longue she used to dance at. These days she does more waitressing than dancing, but she steps in every now and then if one of the girls needs her to.

When I asked her why she was so secretive about it, she just shrugged. It's not like Fang to be ashamed of nor shy about what she does or how she feels about things… but maybe it was just one of those things that she did and didn't care to mention. Or felt like it wasn't important. …Or maybe … maybe … I don't know. I don't really have an answer for this. But it doesn't really matter at this point.

Anyway, I knew the walk, no matter how short, was going to drive my patience up the wall. Hope was a quiet companion, but Vanille never shut up. She swung her cross body over her left side after pulling out her phone. "…So, you ever been to a hookah longue, Lightning?"

"No."

"Really?"

"No." I repeated again. I knew she was intent on running my ear off the entire time. It was irritating how uncomfortable Vanille was with my silence.

"Oh, well…" She continued on even if my curt manner clearly meant that I wanted her to shut up and stop talking, "I don't think she's dancing tonight, but Fang's _really_ good. She knows how to work those hips of hers, you know? Not only did she steal the height genes in our family, but the rhythm genes, too. …I kinda just … flail around from here to there."

"Interesting."

Vanille chewed on her lip and glanced to Hope who shrugged at her. She turned to look at me, "So… you sure everything is all right, Lightning? It must be important if Fang's asking me to bring you over to her."

" _Vanille_." Hope said, finally interjecting when he saw the way my eyebrows furrowed. Better to catch her early before I ended up killing the girl.

He gave her a meaningful look and she folded her arms over her chest and puffed out her cheeks as if finally consenting to shut up. We continued the walk in silence until we got to the front door of the longue. Vanille waved to the bouncer and he immediately let us in. Figures, she was probably known around here.

Inside it was dark, loud and cool. The overhead lighting was hazy and warm, and smoke curled around the patrons that littered the four corners of the longue. Vanille grabbed my hand in an instant and told Hope to get us a table as she led me down a series of winding corridors into the back rooms of the longue.

"Should you be doing this?" I asked her as she turned a sharp corner and came to a series of stairs that led down to a lower landing.

"Fang asked me to bring you to her, didn't she?" Vanille asked, "So, that's what I'm doing. And besides, they know me around here."

"So you just waltz around wherever you like?"

"Pretty much." Vanille smiled as we arrived at a black door near the end of the hall. She let go of my hand and proceeded to bang on the door, " _Fang_."

The door immediately opened and Fang appeared in the archway of the door, a half smoked clove sticking out of her mouth. She was about to yell at Vanille when she saw me standing a few feet away and her face softened. She removed the clove from her mouth and stood to the side, "Well, get in."

Vanille shook her head and pointed behind her, "Hope got us a table, I'm just here to drop off your goods. _Ciao_."

"Annoying little bugger, ain't she?" Fang muttered as she raked a hand through her hair and Vanille disappeared from view.

I walked past her and into the room, "…Talked my ear off on the way here."

"Yeah, sorry about that." Fang said, as she took a drag of the clove and closed and locked the door behind me. "…So, welcome to my secret hang out spot."

"…What is it?"

"Just my old dressing room… slash break room if that's what you wanna call it." Fang said, "Also, sorry to say, but I've only got thirty of my precious minutes to give you, babe. So make it count."

"Are you rushing me?"

"Unless you wanna wait until I get off to talk…" She paused and grinned at her choice in words, "Though you seem to be becoming a bit of a pro at helping me do that, yeah?"

"Do you _mind_?"

She shrugged and took another pull of her clove, "You want one?"

I shook my head and sat down on one of the worn couches. Fang sat opposite me, "I'm good, thanks."

"So, what happened?" She asked as she tapped the cigarette over the ashtray on the table in front of us.

"I _told_ you. I dreamed about Serah and my mother." I fisted my hands into the fabric of my jeans as I began to recall the nightmare in vivid detail. I felt the urge to fiddle with my mother's signet ring that I always wore, "I've told you this already."

"Well, yeah." Fang said, "But, _what_ happened. Tell me more about the dream."

"Serah on pointe… Serah crying because I was never there. My mother coughing up blood, Serah coughing up blood… me praying … Serah screaming." I recounted in disjointed fragments, "I just… it was too real. you know that feeling when you're put in a bad situation that brings back a bad memory?"

"You mean a trigger. We talked about this before, yeah?"

"Yeah… I guess… I guess you can call this dream a trigger." I started turning the signet ring over and over again, "Fang, there's really nothing for me to talk about. I just… I was… I was just in a bad place and I wanted you to be there. That's all."

Fang tapped out and smoked the last bit of clove before ashing it and moved to sit next to me on the couch. "Well, I'm here now, ain't I?"

"Yeah…" I paused as she turned to look at me, elbow braced on the back of the couch and her cheek pressed against her knuckles. "…I'm sorry, Fang. I shouldn't have come here. This was stupid. I just riled up and—"

She waved her hand and let it drop down to the couch, "Stop apologizin', jeez. I said I didn't mind, yeah?"

"…I'm gonna go." I made a move to stand up, but her hand gripped my thigh firmly and slowly slid down.

"I'd rather cheer you up first." She murmured, moving to lean in to kiss me on the cheek.

"…Fang." I tried when she moved from my cheek and down to my neck, " _Fang_. You're at _work_."

"So?"

"What do you mean _so?"_ She transferred her hand to my other thigh and tried to push me down so that my back was against the arm of the sofa, " _Fang._ You're not screwing me at your job."

"Oi, no ones gonna come back here." She said, trying to crawl her way between my legs, but I wasn't letting up, " _Oh,_ come off it, Light. Where's your sense of adventure?"

"This isn't erotic at all." I deadpanned.

"You're telling me that the idea of getting caught doesn't turn you on at all?" She asked, "…Not even a _little_?"

"… _No_."

"What's with that pause, eh?"

I looked away from her as she fiddled with the top button of my shirt. I can't believe she was even making me consider this. I looked toward the door and then back at Fang, "…You'll be quick?"

"…That depends on you, darling." She replied, "And no ones gonna come in here, the doors locked, remember?"

I sighed and covered my hands with my face, "…I can't tell if you're actually trying to cheer me up or finding an excuse to get in my pants. I'm not a machine, Fang. People _do_ get bruised and sore from over stimulation, you know?"

"…You weren't complaining about being bruised and _over stimulated_ last night, love." Fang remarked, "Besides, orgasms make people feel good."

I yanked my sleeveless button down from out of my jeans, pulled it up and quickly made work of unbuttoning my pants, "You have twenty minutes."

"Is that a challenge? You know I never back down from a challenge. _Especially_ when it comes from you, Lightning." Fang stated, her right hand slowly diving into my pants and under the band of my underwear. She lowered her lips to my ear and pressed her breasts against mine, "How about I make you come in fifteen?"

"I don't care how quickly—" I jerked back as one of her fingers began to prod me, "…how … quickly you do it. Just _do_ it."

"I would, but your pants are so fuckin' tight, god damn."

She withdrew her hand and I found myself groaning at the loss of contact. We'd only been doing … _this_ …for a week and a half but the rate at which my body responded to Fang when we got in the mood was ridiculous. She said it was because my body was trying to make up for years of repression. I hit her for that one.

Fang all but growled at me as she tried to yank the offending fabric down, "How the hell did you even get in these things?"

I swatted her hand away and glanced down at the couch, "Is this even sanitary?"

"Wha? The couch?" She asked.

"Yes, the couch."

"…Killing the mood, Farron." Fang groaned, "You ain't gonna catch nothing if you're just sitting on this thing in your underwear. Now can you _please_ get your pants off so I can have you moaning and scratching new marks into my back? The old ones are starting to fade."

"Stop being so impatient."

I pulled my jeans down and Fang went right back to pinning my hips to the couch as she shoved her hands into my underwear again. She hiked my right leg up and let my left drop off the couch as she settled in-between my legs again. Fang leaned forward to kiss me hard and my head hit the arm of the chair as she all but stole the air out of my lungs. If I moaned, it was lost somewhere in the tongue Fang shoved down my throat and the fingers she kept curling inside of me. Her hand turned slightly so that she could angle her thumb to rub over my clit and I instantly pulled my lips away from her and tried snapping my legs shut to immobilize her hand.

" _Fang_ , Fang. Wait a minute." I tried to grab onto her wrist but she grabbed my arm and forcibly pinned it above my head. She was going _too_ fast and this was too intense. Even if we'd practically … _done_ it every day for the last week, I was used to her being gentle for the majority of it all.

"You said I had twenty minutes." She wasn't stopping. "I said I was going for fifteen. I don't intend to lose, Lightning."

"Can…" I paused as Fang pressed her thumb down harder and I jerked my hips just as her fingers rolled up inside of me again. It was hard to try and choke down a whimper, "Can I… "

"Can you come?" Fang asked, leaning forward again so that our noses were almost touching, "That's what I'm trying to get you to do."

"No…I…" She let go of my wrist and snuck her free arm underneath my shirt. The clasp to my bra snapped and Fang's hand was pushing my bra away to grab hold of one of my breasts, " _Fang_ , I'm—"

She cut me off and I closed my eyes as she kissed me again. As she pressed my body further into the seat, she pulled back and I stared me down. Her gaze was so intense; I had to look away. "Don't fight me, Light. _Don't_ fight me on this one. Let me in babe."

I closed my eyes because she was working me way too hard and I knew I was close the minute her mouth found my neck, suckled it and then bit me. I came a few seconds, louder than I intended but Fang was quick to cover my mouth with her own and drown out the sound. I was jelly in her hands and I had absolutely no energy to move afterwards.

"…Lightning did … you…"

I barely mustered the strength to open my eyes as I tried to catch my breath. In all the orgasms Fang had forced out of me in the past few days, none of them had felt quite like this. This one was strangely …wet. Wetter than usual. …Did I piss myself? Was I bleeding? What the hell.

"…Did I what?" I asked her, trying to push my shirt back down and reorient my bra back into place, "…I'm not bleeding am I?"

Fang removed her fingers from inside of me, inspected them for a moment and then looked down at me with a bemused expression, "Oh, no, babe. Certainly not."

"Why does it feel like I pissed myself then?" I asked, "…That was stronger than most."

"I bet it was." Fang said, "Looks like we've got ourselves a squirter over here, folks."

I blinked and looked at Fang as if I was waiting for her to explain herself. "…A _what_?"

"Oh, Lightning… _Lightning_. This is adorable. You really don't know what you did, huh?" Fang gestured for me to lift my hips so she could help me pull my pants back up. I buttoned them and she pulled back to give me room to sit up. "Who knew you had it in you?"

"Had _what_ in me?" I said, shifting uncomfortably. This was more than the after effects of arousal, "I feel like I pissed myself."

"…Yeah, I suppose that's what some people say it feels like. I've never had the pleasure of experiencing it, but of course your sexually repressed ass would be capable of such a feat." She looked at the clock, "You shouldn't worry about it though. I'd gladly try and get you to do it again."

"I'd rather you didn't because I _feel_ like I pissed myself." I repeated, "...And it's kinda sore now."

"But the orgasm was more intense, yeah?" She asked, "And… sorry for being so rough with ya, but I was trying to get you off before I have to go back to being eye candy for the male masses."

"Ugh…" I felt disgusted at the thought of it.

Fang stood back up and tilted her head to the side, "But tell me, how do you feel right now?"

"…Better…" I said. "…Uncomfortably wet… kind of sore. But better."

"You're quite the charmer with words, huh? Now let's get going. I'm sure Vanille is already conjuring up all sorts of scenarios in her head that I'll beat her to a pulp for later." She reached out a hand to help me to my feet and I stood up as well. My legs still felt like jelly and I stumbled a bit before she caught me around my hips, "Easy there, soldier. One leg in front of the other, yeah?"

"Shut _up_ , Fang."

-x-

The sky was light and the air was different.

I was awake, but without the muddled awareness you had from a standard night of sleep. This one was visceral. It was the feeling you get when your eyes are heavy with fatigue but you can't sleep. You watch the rising sun and stand waiting for something to happen, but it never does. You think that when the sky is blue again and you feel the warmth of the light that everything will seem clearer … or brighter.

And it does. But not in the way that you expect it to. Because when you finally sleep and wake up again, you're groggy. You're no longer alive with the electricity that the night brought to your mind. Your brain is forced to reprogram itself to act normally… and all those thoughts and ideas that seemed so brilliant and right to you at the beginning of dawn now seem stupid and unimportant. …I didn't want to lose this feeling, but I knew it'd be gone the minute we went home to sleep.

We waited for Fang outside of the lounge as it neared 4AM. Vanille was sleeping on Hope's shoulder and I was standing beside them, arms over my chest. Fang appeared five minutes after, black sweater draped over her shoulders and a grin on her face. She looked tired, but oddly enough, content. After waving to the bouncer she made her way over to where we were waiting.

She moved to grab my face and kiss me as firmly as she could, before turning her attention to Hope. I barely had time to react as she slung an arm around my hips and firmly grabbed my ass in her hand. She was just _asking_ for me to kill her. "You lot all right then?"

"Yeah, she just fell asleep." Hope commented, averting his eyes at her all too public display of affection, "Where to?"

"Breakfast, I was hoping." She said, turning to me for confirmation.

I reached behind me and sunk my nails into her arm as deeply as I could. She cursed at me and inspected the marks my nails made in her skin, "Yeah. Breakfast sounds good."

"For _fucks sake_ , Lightning, I thought I told you to cut those damn things."

I wordlessly shrugged, not caring in the least. Hope nudged Vanille awake and she muttered something before getting to her feet. Fang linked arms with me after I turned away and she tugged me close. I looked up to the sky again and found that it had grown lighter than before.

"…Fang?"

"Hm?"

"We'll never see something like this again, will we?" I asked, gesturing toward the sky so she looked up as well, "Well… we'll see a different sunrise on a different morning. But, we'll never see the same one."

"What are you on about?" She sighed in exasperation, "It's four in the god damn morning and I ain't up for being philosophical or talking shit about life right now. I want some food in my stomach, I want to get you into my god damn bed and I want to go to sleep."

"Trading in complexity for simplicity?" I observed as we descended a series of steps.

"The hell you talking about? You're the complex one." She countered, "Just look at you right now."

"What about me right now?" I asked.

"You getting' cheeky with me?"

I shrugged, "I'm just enjoying this morning for what it is. That's all."

"Yeah?" Fang asked, "And what _is_ this morning, huh?"

I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, "…I was thinking that there's a certain clarity you have when you're sleep deprived. People don't say much else besides you're probably going mad, but your mind just has another way or working. Sometimes it's rapid and inspired and other times… I don't really know."

"So you're saying you're inspired?"

I shook my head, "Not exactly. I'm just… I'm just content to have this moment with you. That's all. I'm just content. That's all there is to it. That's the simplest way of putting things." I lowered my voice, "…And I guess… even if it hasn't been that long, I need to thank you for bringing me to Yusnaan."

"Is it Yusnaan that you're thankful for, or is it me?"

I felt myself come to a stop and Fang stopped along with me, "…Why would I come to this city if there was nothing waiting for me within its walls? A city is dead to you unless you attach meaning to it." I started, "…You're the only reason I'm here. So why don't you answer that question for yourself, Fang?"

"Well, when you put it that way." Fang began walking again and pulled me along with her, "…Lightning…are you really comfortable with everything we've been doing?"

I shook my head, "You can't cure an entire lifetime of pain in a fortnight. It's a process. …Everything is a process and I've been trying to stop over analyzing everything and learn to just do. That's what worked for me in the past, it has to work now."

"You've always been that way though." Fang said, "You always knew the best course of action without so much as a second thought. The first impulse is always best, yeah?"

"Not necessarily." I murmured, "…I don't think that way anymore."

"Hm?"

"And it wasn't that the first impulse was best...it was the decision that hurt the least and was the most efficient." I said, "…Which is why I've been living the kind of life I have ever since Serah left for Bodhum a half a year after our mother died."

"…You gone talk about her tonight?"

"No, the time isn't right." I replied, "…But you'll know when it is."

"Fair enough. I'll be ready when you are when you want to talk." She said as we came to a stop in front of a small café in the Fountain Square. Fang turned over to look at Hope and Vanille who were lagging behind us, "Hurry it up will you? I don't have all damn morning. I'd like to eat and get home, thanks."

-x-

It was seven in the morning when I decided to give Fang her birthday … _present_.

I'm not going to lie about how uncomfortable and downright embarrassed I felt about wearing the damn thing. The straps chafed and the whole part about having something that wasn't natural to the anatomy of your body was just … it wasn't really my thing. But this is what Fang had asked of me and I was trying to be okay with giving her what she needed and wanted.

Fang had been patient with me when it came to the whole sex thing… even though she made it clear that she didn't want to be. I guess eight years of sexual frustration does things to people once they finally have what they want in the palm of their hand.

It was odd that I had no qualms about having sex as often as we did. Maybe because I was learning to accept that there was no changing who or what I was. Maybe because Lightning had finally given way to Claire again and I wasn't as hard and cold as I tried to always be. Whatever it was, I … I felt love when I was with Fang and that's all that mattered. Fang's touch was warmth when the world wrapped me in a cold, frigid blanket of apathy and deceit. Fang had always been honest… at least… she'd been as honest as she could be with me. Which is why whenever she touched me or kissed me in some way, I wasn't pulling away. I should have been uncomfortable, but I wasn't.

But either way, reciprocating had taken some getting used to. I wasn't well versed on the having sex with another girl thing … or having sex in general. But like I said, Fang was patient. The look that she gave me after the first time she came by the stroke of my hand was something I'd have burned into halls of memory for decades to come.

Anyway, as much as I'd had my reservations about this particular… toy, apparently I'd done well. It wasn't long before I had her on her back, legs up over my shoulders, fucking her so hard into the bed she could barely breathe. She'd been torn between ripping her bed apart and trying to rip through my skin. I preferred the former rather than the latter. But it was satisfactory enough to hear her vocally as well as seeing the physical effect I was having on her. Maybe this is why Fang was always trying to strip me naked whenever we got the chance to be alone. There was something extremely arousing about seeing your partner at your mercy.

…There's also an ultimate buzzkill in having your partner's _mother_ barge in on the two of you when you've got her daughter pinned to the bed, her legs wrapped around your waist and you're in the throes of coitus.

" _Fang, mesh rohmi!_ Guess who's… o _h…"_

My blood ran cold and the hair on my arms were standing at attention when I heard the accented voice and Fang's door bang against the wall of her room. I immediately ducked down, pulled out and buried my face in the valley of Fang's breasts. That got her attention because she sat up on her elbows and sucked her teeth at me.

"What the _fuck_ , Lightning?"

I shook my head and pulled the sheets up over my body so that I was completely obscured from view. Fang stiffened and I assume she finally saw her mother standing there in the doorway of her bedroom. The sheets immediately went up over her chest and she sat up, moving me away from her chest and down to her waist. I held on and buried my face in her abdomen as she spread her legs out and let me fall between them.

" _MA_!" Was all Fang could yell. I don't think either of them quite knew what to say because I heard Kaiya immediately close the door after that and left without another word. Fang cursed under her breath and she placed a soft hand over the sheets as she tried to find me, "Light… babe? You okay under there?"

"No."

She parted the covers and looked at me, "…I'm sorry… I didn't know she'd be here. I didn't even _think_ she'd be visiting for my birthday… _fuck._ You'd think Vanille would have had enough sense than to fuckin' let her in here, I—"

"Don't you ever ask me to do this again." I said, moving the sheets to pull them off my head, "This was a horrible idea; I don't even know why I consented to this." I stood up and began making quick work of the harness and shimmied my way out of it. I looked for a T-shirt and threw it over my head. The mood was killed and I was too upset to even get it back.

"Light… Lightning. Please don't get upset, love. She's not going to care… we just surprised her is all." Fang sighed at me, "Shouldn't I be the one getting upset here? Do you know how close I was? …You really know how to work that thing, huh?"

I looked at her in disbelief and left the room. Fang followed suit a few minutes and proceeded to huff at me from outside the bathroom door, as I proceeded to spend my time locked in there for the majority of the morning.

-x-

Fang was sitting at the island in the kitchen with me on one side, Kaiya on the other and Vanille in front of her. She rapped her knuckles against the counter, glaring death at Vanille who could only smile back at her as if she'd done nothing wrong. I was glaring death at everyone in the room and Kaiya was absorbed in drinking her tea and smiling to try and dissipate the awkwardness of the situation.

"Why are you so angry, Fang?" Vanille asked, as she took a sip of her iced coffee, "Aren't you happy your mom paid us a visit for your birthday?"

" _Yeah_. _Real_ happy." Fang said, her eyes narrowing at Vanille.

"Oh, Vanille. It's nothing I haven't seen already." Kaiya said, waving her hand in a dismissive manner. "I already know you're not a virgin, Fang. That ship sailed long ago…" She turned her attention to me and her smile increased, "…I was just surprised to see the person who's been occupying your bed as of late. …I'm sorry about before, but it's been _such_ a long time, Claire."

"Yeah." I muttered, bringing my iced tea to my lips and taking a long sip. I wished she'd stop smiling at me with that knowing smile of hers. _Moms_.

" _Ma_." Fang said, "You mind? You can't just barge in on us and expect Light to greet you with open arms." She turned to her as an afterthought, "And it's _Lightning_ , not Claire."

"I don't see why not." Kaiya said, "And sorry, _Lightning_ , honey. There's nothing wrong with having sex. From the sounds of it—not like I wanted to hear it, mind you—Fang was really enjoying it."

" _MA!_ " Fang shouted, slamming her hand down on the island. Vanille nearly spit out her coffee in laughter. "I said to _stop_."

"All right." Kaiya shrugged, "So…"

"So what?" Fang asked.

"Aren't you going to ask about me?"

"You just said why you're here. For my god damn birthday."

Kaiya grinned again, "My baby. _Twenty four_. Where have the years gone?" She glanced at me, "Right, Lightning?"

"Yeah." I repeated myself, lowering my gaze.

"Oh, you're just as modest and soft spoken and cute as ever, aren't you?" Kaiya turned to Fang, "Why can't you be more like Lightning, huh? Why do you have to walk around cursing all the time and getting into trouble, huh?"

"Cause I don't like listenin' to people." Fang muttered, "How long are you here for anyway?"

"Hm…" Kaiya looked over her shoulder and I saw a tie dye duffel bag by the front door. The horror was written all over Fang's face, "Maybe a week? A weekend? I don't really know, I haven't decided yet."

"You know…" Fang said, "The point of me moving out is so that I can get away from you and dad for the rest of my life."

"Don't you talk to your mother that way." Kaiya pointed a stern finger at Fang, even though I knew she wasn't being serious. Fang was too busy covering her face with her hands to even look at her mother, "I brought you into this world and I'll take you out."

"…Like I haven't heard that one before."

"I think it'll be fun." Vanille chimed in, "It's been so long since I've seen you. The last time you were in Yusnaan was to help Fang move me out here, right?"

"Has it really been that long?" Kaiya murmured to herself, "Mm, that's right. And I made you two go out to prayer with me to celebrate the solstice." She looked from Vanille who bristled and then back to Fang, "I hope you two have been keeping _up_ with your prayers. You know the holy week is upon us soon."

"Ma, is that why you came to visit me?" Fang got down off her stool and sucked her teeth, "To yell at Vanille an' me about praying and festivals?"

"Of course not." Kaiya said as Fang picked up her mug and set about pouring her another cup of tea. "I really wanted to come down and spend your birthday with you. You never call me, you don't respond to my e-mails. You're a horrible excuse for a daughter, rohmi."

"That's because I can never _understand_ your bloody e-mails. Honestly, ma. Not only is your shorthand atrocious, why do you mix English and Oerban so much?"

Kaiya shrugged in a dismissive manner, "You're supposed to help your mother out, you know?" She turned her attention on me, "You always treated your mother with more respect, didn't you, Claire?"

"I said—" Fang interjected before I stopped her.

"It's fine if she calls me Claire, Fang." I said before she could correct her mother again. Fang muttered something under her breath and picked the kettle up off the stove, "…I guess so, yes. My mother was never any good with technology either, so she stayed away from it as much as she could."

"Hm, I've been trying." She nodded off to Fang, "This one just makes fun of me rather than helping me though. She should be proud of how _far_ her mother has come. You know I resisted learning English for ten years since we moved to Bodhum? Even now English feels odd on my tongue, ugh."

"…Are you still there?"

"Nope, I'm back in Oerba now. Got sick of the Cocoon way of life." Kaiya answered and then sprung up, " _Oh!_ Before I forget. I've got something for you. It's from your father."

"You on speaking terms again?" Fang asked as Kaiya turned around to rummage around in her bag.

"For now." Kaiya said, "He sends his love of course."

"You two are tiring." Fang muttered as she sat back down at the island.

"Fang, we're only human." She pushed an envelope across the table, "That's for you. You don't have to open it now. But do it soon. I wanna know what's inside."

"Why are you so nosey?"

"I'm your mother. It's my job." Kaiya turned a green eye on me and gave me the same intense look her daughter was known for, " _Right_ , Claire?"

I nearly choked on my tea as I set it back down on the island. Fang looked just about ready to burst and Vanille was snickering behind her mug of coffee. "…Right."

Kaiya grinned and stepped down off her stool, " _Well,_ I'm going to get freshened up. The train ride from Oerba was absolutely ridiculous. Next time I'm _flying_ in." She straightened her bag over her shoulder, "Rohmi, I'm going to take your room and rest up for a bit if you don't mind." Kaiya paused and then looked from Fang to me and then back to Fang, "And if you'd be so kind, could you change the sheets first?"

Vanille lost it just as Kaiya turned around and left the kitchen. Fang raked her hands through her hair and then turned to look at me. I stepped off the stool as well and paused to look at Fang who looked like she was on the verge of an aneurysm, "You're gonna owe me _big_ time for this."

" _How_ big, Lightning?" Vanille asked through her snickering.

I wordlessly shifted my attention from Fang to Vanille and snarled at her. I didn't stick around for her reaction because I was already out the kitchen, across the living room and out of the front door.


	9. bridge to a nebula

I wish people understood the importance of family.

I wish parents understood the fear that they instill in their children. That the words of a stern voice are more threatening than any slap across the face. I wish children understood that parents only want to protect them, even if their natural curiosity drives them to disobey. A person must learn from their mistakes. No one else can do it for them.

Siblings should help one another, not work against each other. Even if your parents favor your sibling, know it is not your fault, but that of your parents. You are just as lovable and great as your sibling. You will excel at different rates and speeds; find yourself immersed in different things. Sometimes your father will slay you with his words, and your mother, her looks. But know that your worth is not measured by how well you live up to your parents unattainable and unachievable standards.

My mother …my mother always made it clear how much she loved me and my sister. Even if I didn't understand her ways at times, my mother was a woman who deserved all that she had in life… even if it was taken away from her far too soon.

During the last months of her hospitalization, my mother confided in me late one night that she always felt as though she wasn't destined to have children. She had always been a sickly child, in and out of hospitals until her early teenage years. And then remission came, and things were okay up until she married my father at the young age of twenty. She had fertility problems, something she had expected as a side effect of all her medical problems.

Prior to my birth, my parents had two miscarriages. In the aftermath of both of those failed pregnancies, my father took my mother to pray to Bhunivelze for as long as time permitted. And finally, on a day in early autumn, they got the news that my mother was pregnant with me.

I had been an easy pregnancy compared to Serah. My mother thought she had lost my sister on two occasions and Serah was delivered a month and a half premature. The doctors told my parents that they should stop trying to have children or it would cost my mother her life. But she didn't listen.

Sometimes I thought that this was the reason I wasn't normal. God obviously didn't want my parents to procreate, so he sought to kill and harm every child that tried to grow in mother's womb. But with me, he wanted to be extra cruel. …Cruel in a way that would send my father into a blind and seething rage every time he saw me. Cruel in a way that would have me sobbing alone in the silence of my room at night, praying that I could be normal like my little sister. That someone would take the pain in my heart, twist it into nothing and let it float away into the air.

I suppose my mother was my angel sent in the night to guide me. My mother never commented on my lack of interest in the opposite sex while my little sister pined for their affection. She may have pushed me to be a little more social every now and then, but if I fought back, she would stop. Her hand was a gentle and heavy palm on the shoulder, or a soft push between my shoulder blades. A hand that let me know that I was safe even when I felt the need to kill my younger self, to rip Claire to shreds and let Lightning take her place.

She was always a comforting fixture in my life, even long after my father he died. I remember having an unbelievable feeling of relief on that day... which is sick to say, but its the truth.

It was on a bright and sunny day in the middle of September. The front office called me down and told me my mother was downstairs to pick me up. I remember Fang leaning over her desk and grinning, she was missing two of her front teeth. She thought I'd done something bad for once and now I was in trouble, and Claire Farron _never_ got in trouble. …Fang always _was_ up for debauchery, even at a young age.

I remember my mother standing there in the front hallway of the school, her face tight and her skin as pale as I'd ever seen it. There was a heaviness in her eyes and it showed, even though she was trying so hard to keep it together. Serah was swinging from her arm, chubby fingers pushed against her mouth as my mother kept a strong grip on her hand. When I asked my mom why she was picking me so early, she reached for my hand and we wordlessly walked out of the school together.

I saw an image of the wreck on the news three hours later while my mother sobbed on the phone in the background. Serah asked me, _Claire, when's daddy coming home?_

He frightened me as a child and instilled such a deep fear in me that took well over a decade to fix. Even before he walked in on Serah and me, his domineering nature hung over the house like a dark, demonic shadow. I always wondered what my mother saw in him.

 _He was a good provider._ She would tell me.

 _But did you love him?_ I would ask her.

She bit her lip and lowered her gaze. _Sometimes … you have to put down love for the sake of what's right, Claire_.

Sacrifice true happiness for the sake of stability? Is that what family truly was? I sacrificed for my mother as she did for Serah and me. She needed a seven year old girl to fill the shoes of a thirtysomething year old man. My mother needed me to be a guardian to my little sister when I didn't even know how to care for myself. I would change and become the soldier she needed me to be. Even if I was too young, even if the pain was too great.

I loved my mother. I wanted her to be happy and she deserved it after all the pain she had experienced in her life. I didn't want to be the child that caused her any more pain than she was accustomed to. So I became a child that never asked for much. Never complained, never resisted. I was quiet and stoic, keeping to myself unless she sought me out for something. I let my sister be the child I never could be and it worked for us. I became dependable; I became her rock for the remaining years of my life.

Which is why … when she died, I lost it. Serah and I both did. I didn't know what it was like to live a life without having someone in control of the reigns. I tried to make things work. Tried to be the parent for Serah that she needed for the rest of her formative years. I tried so damn hard for that last half of year that I had with my sister.

Because while I thought I was an adult, I was nothing more than a helpless child.

-x-

I came back to Fang's apartment somewhat drained and in an unexplainable mood. I shouldn't have been so angry with her, but I had been upset. Half with Fang, half with Kaiya …actually, _completely_ with Kaiya. Maybe Vanille as well. I didn't quite know where to place my anger and it only helped to worsen my mood.

The air smelled strongly of spices that I wasn't used to and there was incense burning on the coffee table. Fang and Vanille were nowhere in sight, but there was music coming from the stereo in a language that wasn't English. I looked to the kitchen and saw Kaiya wrapped in a different sari than she'd previously arrived in. She was singing along to the song coming out of the stereo as she proceeded to mix something in a pot on top of the stove. She caught sight of me standing by the door, stopped and smiled.

Kaiya set the spoon down on the counter, wiped her hands down on the towel by the stove and waved me forward, "Ah, you've returned, Claire. Just in time for breakfast."

I looked at the clock and then back at Kaiya, "…What are you making?"

"Just a few of rohmi's favorites. Roti, chutney and sambar. I don't have the time to make dosa or idli, so she'll have to settle for vada, yeah?" Kaiya said as she turned her back on me to tend to something on the stove. She opened up a pot to inhale the aroma that flowed out of it, "Ah, come here and smell, Claire."

"Uhm… right…" I leaned forward into the dish as Kaiya leaned back, "…Smells good."

"Ah, it smells _wonderful._ " She corrected me, "I'm betting she hasn't had any of this in awhile. It looks like she hardly _touches_ this kitchen."

Well, she wasn't lying about that. I looked over my shoulder as Kaiya put the lid back on the pot and turned to a bowl that was sitting on the counter, "Where is she?"

"Sent her and Vanille back to the store because we needed more mangos for the lassi." Kaiya replied, "Don't worry, she'll be back any minute now."

"I'm not…" I said, finding myself growing more agitated by the minute.

Kaiya reached her hand into the bowl and began stirring what was inside, "…Claire, I'm sorry about earlier." She murmured, "I didn't mean to interrupt such an intimate moment between the two of you. …I feel like you've been murdering me with your eyes the entire time I've been here."

"That's not true, I…" Well, it was true.

Kaiya laughed, "Don't lie to me. I see through my daughter's lies as much as I can see through yours." She poured water into the bowl and began massaging the mass through her fingers again, "I was just surprised. That's all."

"Are you disappointed?" I asked.

She shook her head, "No, I had a feeling she'd wind up with you sooner or later." Kaiya answered as she looked at me, "Well, not exactly. I thought she'd wind up with a man since she made her preference so clearly known when she was a teenager, but still. I always thought you two were too close for comfort."

"…How?"

"You always have been." Kaiya replied, "Fang was always a loner and you were just the same. I used to talk to your mother every now and then. We were never the closest of friends; I suppose the cultural and language barrier were too great at times for us, huh?" She turned around with her bowl, set it on the counter and then poured oil into a pan on the stove, "But not for you and Fang. I always thought you were good for Fang. You were focused and clear headed where she dove headfirst into everything. I always thought you'd be able to mellow her out given enough time."

I was genuinely surprised about what Kaiya had just said about my mother. She'd always been so hesitant and reluctant around her, "…Why did my mother tell you?"

"Your mother worried about you a lot. Unnecessarily so if you ask me." Kaiya said as she began rolling the concoction into small, doughnut-like objects in her hand. She turned slightly so she could look at me while she rolled, "You Cocoon woman always seem to have this insane need to be with someone, as if that person somehow validates who you are. I don't see what's the issue with being alone? Trust me, Claire. I was barely married to Fang's father for three years before I took my chance and split. You _don't_ need to have someone around just so you feel complete."

I've never felt as such. Like I've said before, it's easier to be alone than it is to have to deal with other people. I shook my head, "I've never felt that way though. It's always been easier to avoid people than it is to put up with unnecessary contact from them."

"Well…there's a difference between that and what I'm saying." Kaiya said, "Anyway, there was this one time when I was trying to get into the complex and my arms were full of grocery bags. Tried calling my good for nothing daughter to meet me at the front and that's when I ran into Aria—sorry, your mother—just as I was trying to kick the door in. When I asked her if she knew where Fang was, she replied that the two of you were down by the beach." Kaiya paused in thought, "You know my English wasn't all that great back then so I thought she meant she saw rohmi going down on you at the beach, and I—

I was pretty sure I was giving her the same look I gave to Fang when she went too far. Kaiya cracked a grin as she continued.

"— _Anywho_ , your mother was just saying how she was glad you had Fang during that time. You were always… what's the word? Closed in?"

"Closed off?" I asked.

"Yeah, closed off. She said you were always closed off from her and your sister and she was worried you were going to do something to hurt yourself." Kaiya dropped one of the doughnuts into the oil and it began to sizzle, "She said because Fang was there that she didn't have to worry. I thought she was crazy, but that was your mother. She had her strife and I had mine."

"My mother was stressed in those days. That's the only way I know how to put it."

"I bet. Etro knows I had enough issues going on with Fang around then. I know I would have shaved my head and gone to live as a hermit if I had had _two_ daughters to contend with instead of one." She leaned over the pot, "You know, I always used to yell at Fang about falling out with you once you two began high school—"

"' _Why can't you apply yourself and be like, Claire? She's going to one of the best schools in Bodhum and look at you. What a disappointment you've been to me!'_ Right, ma?" Fang interjected as she came in the kitchen and tossed a plastic bag on the island right next to where I was sitting. I heard the front door close, lock a few seconds after and Vanille's humming disappeared into the hallway leading to her room, "You torturin', Lightning, yeah?"

" _Rohmi,_ you're back!" Kaiya grinned, "And we were reminiscent."

"That's _reminiscing_ , ma. And holy _shit_ , you makin' vada?" Fang asked as she walked over to the stove to overshadow her mother. I never realized how much shorter Kaiya was in comparison.

"Watch your filthy mouth." Kaiya said, swatting Fang away, "Go over there and sit your ass down."

"Just as filthy as mine." Fang turned back to me and placed a hand on the island as she nodded off toward the living room, "When'd you get back?"

"A little while ago."

"She's been keeping me company." Kaiya said as she dropped another doughnut into the oil, "You can steal her and get back to your activities if you'd like."

"Ma, less talkin', more cookin'. That'll make everyone happy." I could have sworn Kaiya cursed at her. If she did, Fang wasn't fazed because she nodded toward the living room again, "Come on, I wanna talk to you."

"Now?" I asked.

"Yeah? _Please_?"

Kaiya waved us away, "Go on, breakfast won't be ready for another half an hour so you two have time to do whatever it is that you need to do." She dipped a strainer into the pot with the oil, "I'll just remember to knock next time."

"Thanks, _ma_." Fang said, pressing against the small of my back as she led me out of the kitchen and back up to her room.

-x-

When Fang said she wanted to … _talk_ , what she really meant is that she wanted to make up for earlier. But my mood was still shot and having Kaiya so close in proximity was even worse. I don't care how many times Fang told me that her mom wasn't going to care if she heard the bed rocking from below us, I _wasn_ 't doing that while her mother was there. So, Fang pulled me out onto the balcony for a smoke when she realized her hands in my pants and her mouth on my neck weren't working in her favor.

"…Today's a mess." She said as she lit her clove and exhaled in frustration.

I was lying across her lap as she leaned on the pillow propped up behind her, "The morning, yes. …But I think you should be glad that your mom is here."

"You kiddin' me? My ma is insane, man. She's going to raise hell and embarrass me the entire time she's here." Fang scoffed, "You know what happened the last time she visited me?"

"…What, Fang?"

"Come on, Light. This one is easy. She found all my kinky shit. I used to use Vanille's old room for storage and shit before she moved in. Ma was down here helping me get everything sorted before Vanille arrived." Fang muttered, "Anyway, I had an unmarked box that I forgot to move before she came in and started dusting and sweeping everything in sight. I was in the living room moving some stuff from the closet by the front door up into the closet upstairs and _there_ she is, Light. She's got one of them turned on and its _spinning_ and making all this noise and she goes—' _No wonder you never let me buy you one'._ Lightning, I bloody well died right then and there."

"Your annoyance is a thin veil for love." I said, coughing loudly to veil my laughter, "And doesn't she already know you've had sex?"

"That's not the point!" Fang huffed, "I spent most of my young adult years listening to her talk about sex this, sex that. God, damn. One time I went back to Bodhum to visit her on my first winter break during college and you know what I ran into? I woke up on my first morning back and went into the kitchen to find her having sex with some guy that she was seeing at the time."

"And let me guess, you proceeded to scream, ' _maaaaa'_ at her and moan about how you'd have to scrub your mind clean with bleach and ammonia?"

"…That impersonation of me was piss poor, Lightning."

I shrugged, "I beg to differ."

She puffed on her cig again, " _Anyway_ , my ma's the type of parent that you love on some days, fight with on others but are always, _always_ embarrassed by no matter what." Fang tapped the cigarette out on the ashtray next to her, "She comes into your room and wakes you up to ask you questions about stuff that makes no sense, she basically forgets every conversation you ever had, she's too loud, she never stays on topic when you're talking about something—"

"Once again, all that aside. She _loves_ you, Fang." I said, leaning back so I could look her in the eye. "…I know you're kind of peeved that she showed up when she did, but the woman loves you. Look at what she's doing right now. She's going out of her way to make us breakfast and she didn't have to."

"Yeah, _yeah_. I know." Fang said, "It's just… sometimes … I feel like…"

"Yes?"

"I don't know. Yeah, my ma's one of a kind. I know that. Even in Oerba, people thought she was kind of odd, and that doesn't happen too much in those parts." Fang paused, "…But do you ever feel like … you know, that you owe your parents something? After all that shit that happened in Bodhum, I didn't feel like I deserved to live in my mother's house anymore. I made her cry, Light. I made her cry _a lot_."

"You're talking about with all the stuff from before?"

"Yeah. And as a child… you know, even though it's your parents' job to take care of you and shit, sometimes you feel like you take too much. Or that you've got to give them something back for all that they've done for you, yeah?" Fang wiped away at her eye before anything could materialize there, "And I don't think … I don't know if I can ever do that for her."

"Fang." I sighed heavily and rose up to hug her tightly around the shoulders. I shook her gently and buried my face into the crook of her neck, "Don't cry on your birthday, dummy."

"I'll cry wherever I damn well want to, Farron. Shut the hell up." Fang snapped as she let her chin rest on my shoulder.

"Fang, your mom is proud of you. I can see it when she talks about you. Stop worrying, okay? She doesn't think of you as an epic fuck up regardless of what happened in your past. You were young and dumb; let's call it for what it is. But you're older now and you've matured." I said and pressed a kiss against her cheek. I felt her shoulders heave as she sighed and I pulled away so she could look at me, "Remember that today was the day that you came into her life and changed it forever. You mean the world to her, you _became_ her world."

She wordlessly looked away from me and out in the direction of the Augur's Quarter. A smile came to her face as she seemed to be recalling a memory of some sort, "You know she said I was a pain in the ass before I was even born? She was in labor with me for a full day before I decided to grace my parents with my presence."

"…That's excessive, Fang."

"Yeah?" Fang asked, "Well how long was your mother in labor with you for?"

"Four hours. No epidural." I said, "I was a relatively easy birth. Serah was born premature and had to be delivered via cesarean."

"Show off." Fang grinned, "…But… you're right. It's just that… the way something is and the way you think it is are two completely different things, ain't it? Your mind constantly fucks up your perception of things so you think you need to overact about something when there's really no need to."

"I guess." I mused, thinking about myself for a moment, "…I suppose you're right."

"Yeah." Fang ashed her cigarette and nodded off to the balcony doors, "Come on, that's enough talking for now. Let's get back down there and check on ma. I'm pretty sure she's convinced you're fucking my brains out right now and Etro knows I don't need her coming back up here again."

-x-

"You all right tonight?"

I was on the brink of sleep when I felt Fang shift in the sheets and turn her weight into me. We were lying side by side in the darkness of the living room. Fang had relinquished her bedroom to her mother for the next couple of days and that left the two of us with the option of sleeping with Vanille or on the pullout in the living room. I immediately suggested the pullout before Fang had a chance to get Vanille's name out.

"With what?"

"You know… our extreme change in plans for the evening."

The four of us went out to dinner that night. I was okay with the change in plans, even though Fang promised me that we would have our time together once her mother was gone. It really didn't matter. It wasn't my birthday, so I had no right to complain. Besides, Kaiya seemed repentant enough and her stay would be a short one. I'd let her have this time with Fang in whatever way she wanted.

"That sauvignon is still floating around in my head."

"Sorry. Ma's kinda an alcoholic."

"…Is she really?"

"Nah, it's just …you give her a reason to celebrate and she's sure to be pouring drinks down everyone's throat." Fang shrugged, "It's an Oerba thing."

"I feel like _everything_ is an Oerba thing." I muttered. "You seemed to have acclimatized to Bodhum, but your mother is counter culture through and through. Well, I can't really say that, can I? She's just … _different_. I never realized just how much."

"I guess … you kind of just ignore that shit as a kid, yeah?" Fang asked, "Kind of like… kids just see people for who they are. They kind of question when something is different, but there's more of an innocence to it."

"Curiosity rather than judgment."

"Yeah. That." Fang shifted her arm underneath her head, "But, she's always been like. Always been something great. She's always been a woman I could only aspire to be. …You know I've only seen her cry twice in my life, Light? Once at her mother's funeral …and the other time …"

She trailed off and her lips tightened as she frowned. I already knew what she was going to say, "I know. When she found out you couldn't have children."

"She wasn't even mad, Lightning. Just … just _devastated_. She asked me what she'd done wrong as a parent and I couldn't even give her a straight answer for why I'd done it. Why I let it happen." Fang shrugged, "Maybe… subconsciously, I didn't want to have a child and have it end up the same way I did."

"…What do you mean by that?" I asked.

"I could never see myself marryin' no one. Sorry, just ain't happening. I'm not traditional in any sense and I'd rather just have the child and you know, raise it with a partner or something. Without all those legal attachments." She turned over on her back and stared up at the ceiling, "So what better way to prevent that from happening than by ensuring that it never happens?"

"That's a pretty messed up way of thinking, Fang."

"Ain't no one said it had to be sane. It's just what I thought. …At least I think I did." She folded her hands over her stomach, "What about you?"

"What _about_ me?"

"You ever see yourself having kids? I think you'd look cute with a swollen belly way out here." Her arm trailed down to my stomach as if to emphasize her point.

"You're delusional." I said as she rubbed her hand over my stomach, "And no, I never really did. Although … although Serah always felt more like a daughter than a sibling."

"You were like a second mom to her, weren't you?"

"A terrible one at that." I murmured as I moved to sit up and Fang removed her hand from off my stomach, "I could never be what my mother was."

"You know, I feel like all daughters feel that way about their mothers to some degree." Fang folded her hands over her stomach, "I know I could never be the person my mother is. Just ain't happenin'."

"But you two are so alike." I said.

Fang shook her head, "On the surface, sure. She's loud, I'm loud. I'm hotheaded, she's hotheaded. I don't know who curses more and we cause trouble wherever we go. You saw that firsthand tonight."

"That exchange with the waitress was pretty amusing." I mused as I scratched my chin.

"Embarassin'." Fang said, throwing an arm over her eyes, "But … as much as I emulate her, I will never _be_ her. And I know she would never want that, because my ma knows I'm my own person first and her daughter second. ...Or something to that effect."

"She never pushed you to be more than you were?"

"Well… screwing up aside, my mother always believed that as long as I tried my best at whatever I was doing, that would be enough for her. She was never one of those parents that pushed me to try and be something that I wasn't. …Well, maybe in Bodhum she did. She was just concerned I was _losing my culture_." Fang curled her fingers, "…But… I mean, kids do those things. Even the so called outliers and loners. Everyone conforms at some point in their life."

"…In what ways?" I asked, "I always felt like you were always a stark contrast to the typical kid in Bodhum."

"I guess it makes more sense to my ma than it does to you." Fang said as she let her arm drop down in the space between us, "You know, learning English and adhering to the typical Cocoon aesthetic. I don't know. I think it had something to do with not hating who I was or something. But a kid gets curious about things, you know?"

"Not just kids, adults do too."

"Don't I know it?"

I was about to respond when I heard a door open overhead, a light turn on and Kaiya's loud sigh coming from the direction of the stairs. I turned to look over my shoulder and Fang tilted her head back as well. Silence lapsed on for longer than Fang would have liked because she sat up and pushed her way off of the pull out.

She walked over to the stairs and tilted her head back to look up, "Ma? You okay up there?"

"I need a tissue." She said, "Why don't you have any _tissues_ in your room. A woman always has tissue, Fang. How many times must I tell you this?"

"There's some in the god damn bathroom, woman. Why didn't you check?" Fang huffed and rested her hands on her hips, "You havin' one of those god damn nosebleeds again?"

"How'd you guess?" I heard another door open and Kaiya's voice faded out.

"I can see you from down here." Fang said, "And put some god damn pants on, would ya? This ain't your house lady. You don't have permission to walk around here in just your underwear."

Kaiya came back and she sounded more stuffed up than before. Fang sighed as Kaiya came down the stairs, her head tilted back and a wad of tissues gathered in her hand. "Get me some water will you?"

" _Ma_. **_Pants_**." Fang gestured in my direction, "Can you not scar Lightning while you're here?"

"Nonsense, I gave birth to you and I have the same stuff as you. What's it matter?" She pulled the tissues away from her nose to inspect them and then covered her face again, "Besides, I'm sure Claire's seen her mother naked plenty of times."

I turned around as Kaiya walked away from Fang and sat down on my side of the bed, "…Actually, I haven't. My mother always had rules about making sure we were covered up."

" _See_. Repressed Cocoon women." Kaiya said as she snapped her fingers at Fang, "Water?"

"I'm goin' dammit." Fang grumbled as she disappeared into the kitchen and then reappeared a few seconds later with a glass for her mother.

Kaiya discarded her bloody tissues on the coffee table and folded one of the cleaner tissues into a tighter square and tilted her head back again, "See, that wasn't so hard, was it?" She inspected the tissue to see if there was any blood on it, "What are you two still doing up? Having pillow talk, hm?"

"Pillow talk would imply that there was sex going on, wouldn't it, ma?" Fang crossed her arms and sat back down on the bed.

Kaiya laughed, "I know how you kids are. Can't control your hormones can you?"

"Ugh." Fang parted the covers and got back into bed, "…Can you go back upstairs? Thanks."

"Is that any way to talk to your mother?" Kaiya asked, "I'm gonna tell your father you've been talking bad about me the next time I see him. Bet you he'll stop sending you money, yeah?"

"Go ahead." Fang waved her hand in dismissal and sighed into her pillow. I don't think I'd ever understand the dynamic between the two of them. I don't even know if they understood it, "You looked at what was in the envelope, didn't you?"

"I know he sends you money every now and then to make sure you're covered." Kaiya said as she set her tissues down. She reached for her water and tipped it to her lips, "Bet he tells you to save it for a rainy day, doesn't he? Not like it ever rains in this place."

Fang slapped her forehead as Kaiya laughed to herself, "Ma, that's not even what that expression _means_."

Kaiya shrugged, "Who cares. That's what I said it means."

I stifled the beginnings of laughter behind my hand and coughed to clear my throat when Fang and Kaiya both looked at me. "…Excuse me."

"See. Claire thought it was funny." Kaiya said, "…So, what are you two still doing up?"

Fang looked at me and I shrugged as if to tell her to go ahead and just tell her mother, "…Stuff."

"Sex?" Kaiya asked.

"No. _Ma_. Not _sex_. I thought we just covered that we weren't doing anything." Fang snapped, "We were just talking."

"About life." I interjected, seeing as Fang was having trouble articulating herself.

"Oh." Kaiya looked down at her glass, "… _Psychological_ shit then."

"…Philosophical?" Fang tried.

"No, Fang. She's actually right on that one. You both are." I said. I folded my arms over my chest, "Kaiya, can I ask you something?"

"Fire away, Claireo." Kaiya bit her lip and raised an eyebrow, "…You know… like an Oreo?… _Claireo_?"

"Oh my God, _ma,_ stop." Fang mumbled from my side.

"Uhm… right." I said, "…How do I put this? …Kaiya. Did you… hm." I tapped my finger against my bicep and adverted my gaze away from her curious eyes, "A parent's job is to protect and provide for their child, right?"

"Well, duh." Kaiya said as she leaned forward to set her glass down on the coffee table. She whipped around on the bed and I moved over so she had enough room to cross her legs, "Why else would you have one?"

"True." I mused, "…But, do you ever feel like a child owes their parent anything?"

Kaiya's gaze drifted to Fang who had turned her back on us and then she looked back at me, "… _No_. Of course not." She said as she folded her hands in her lap, "I think a parent owes their child more, don't you think? None of us are asked to be brought into this world and yet here we all are. Just as crazy as the people that raised us."

"But is it natural for a child to feel like they owe their parents something?"

"A child owes their parent nothing in comparison to what a parent must provide for their child." Kaiya said, her gaze drifting back to Fang. The smile that came to her face was languid, an unspoken happiness that I could see in her eyes. "The most a child can do is grasp what lies in their parents open palm."

"…You mean … develop an open relationship with their parent?"

She nodded, "You see, Claire. I came from strict parents. Parents who always thought it was better to dictate and control rather than let me run wild with whatever passion lied in my heart…" Kaiya waved her hand as if to dismiss her earlier words, "Okay, that sounds kinda crazy, but I think you get my point. They were more about maintaining order and making sure I lived the life _they_ thought that was best for me than let me live my own life."

"A child needs to make their own mistakes? Something like that?" I asked, "...But aren't parents right sometimes? Sure, rules are meant to be broken … but to what extent?"

"History repeats itself." Kaiya said, "And a child must learn for themselves. That's why I was never a restrictive mother when it came to that one lying next to you. Within reason, I let her run with whatever she wanted to do. …And I blame myself for things… I blame myself for _a lot_ of things."

"Ma, it wasn't your fault what happened." Fang mumbled from my side, "Please, just it go."

"I know it's not my fault. You made your own choices and the consequences are your own to deal with, Fang." Kaiya said, "…I don't live in the past, you know that."

Fang turned over so she could look at her mother, "…But it isn't what you wanted for me."

"Fang, what happened with you isn't what _any_ mother would want. I can't deny that it never hurt me to see my baby in that much pain." Kaiya said, "Do you know what it's like to carry another life in you for nine months? It's one of the most joyful parts of the human experience. Sure, there's the fatigue and constipation. And the swelling … _oh,_ the swelling." She turned to me and gestured toward Fang, "Do you know how ugly this one made me? I had acne for days."

" _Thanks_."

"Really though." Kaiya closed her eyes and held her hands over her stomach as if she was envisioning being pregnant again, "Claire, to _feel_ that little one kicking the shit out of your organs every day and night while you rub your stomach and talk to it is… is … there's nothing like it." She dropped her hands and opened her eyes, "You have a younger sister don't you? Didn't your mother ever let you feel the baby kicking from time to time?"

"I was young… I don't remember much from when my mother was pregnant with Serah." I said, "My sister was a bit of a troublesome baby. ...Actually, my mother almost lost her."

"Was she premature?" Kaiya asked.

"A month and a half, I think. She was supposed to be born closer to my birthday, but my mother delivered her at the end of January." I said. "They had to wait a month just to bring her home."

"Hm…" Kaiya looked at Fang, "Either way, I see childbirth as a joy ... a joy and an experience that a man will never understand. Sure, I never want to go through labor again, but it was worth it. Because I had this one and somehow … life felt complete." She patted Fang's thigh from over the sheets, "Even if she's rude and ungrateful most of the time."

"Yeah, well. You're crazy."

"And what do you think _you_ are?" Kaiya asked, "Anyway. When it came to this one… I didn't want to be the same way that my parents were with me. As the second oldest of four, I'm nothing like my siblings. They're all… uptight and unhappy with their lives." She shook her head, "But not me. I never seemed to want to act my age. It never seemed like any fun."

I instantly looked toward Fang, "Well, _that_ sounds familiar."

"Shut up, Lightning."

Kaiya chuckled and moved so she could stretch her legs out in front of her, "It's true. Claire, I'm fifty going on twenty. I don't understand why I have to change who I am at heart just because I become another year older. Sure, there's something called responsibility and I'm all up for that. …But, my age is nothing but a number. A milestone for my time on this planet." She shrugged, "And who knows how much time I have left? I don't want to die a sad and pathetic woman. I want to know I've lived as true to myself as I've always been."

"…But don't you have to lie sometimes?" I asked, "Don't you have to tell white lies to protect yourself? You can't be free all the time. Some situations call for more discretion than others."

"Why lie?" Kaiya asked, "And no, I don't believe in lying. That just creates unnecessary mess. Tell me the truth to my face and I'll respect you more for being the person you are. Even if I disagree with it."

"But what if there's a part of you that's undesirable in the eyes of the world?" I asked, "What if you're not normal enough for society to accept you? What if the only way to get through the day _is_ to lie?"

The expression on Kaiya's face softened and I felt something akin to pity coming through her features, "…Claire, that's something you have to solve within yourself. No one can do that for you." She looked up at the ceiling and sighed, "The world is full of enough evil, suffering and pain. We don't need to do more by adding our own self hate to the mix. I've never understood why it was so hard for people to just _accept_ another human being. You know, sickos and perverts aside."

"Because people are ignorant." Fang mumbled. I knew she was falling asleep even though she was trying hard to stay awake, "People are stupid, ignorant fucks that need to be punched in the face to straighten them out."

"This one. _Always_ with the violence."

"Uh, excuse me. You're more violent than I am." Fang said, "Remember that time you came into school and threatened that lunch aide in your butchered English? ' _Never again talk my daughter',_ ma. You _stared_ her down so hard, she nearly shat her pants."

"Do you _remember_ what she told you?"

"Yeah, I remember the racist shit she told me."

"All right then." Kaiya said, "And she never talked badly to you again, did she? No one messes with my baby and gets away with it."

"Haha, no. She used to avoid me anytime I looked at her." Fang laughed, "…But, really. _I'm_ violent? Ma, you smacked someone in the face with a bag of apples once."

"Yeah, because that freaky little kid thought he could cop a feel." Kaiya said, crossing her arms over her chest and titling her head to the side as if to silently ask Fang, _your point is?_

"So you smack someone in the head with a bag of apples. That's perfect logic, ma. You could have given him a concussion." Fang smacked her forehead, "That was beyond embarrassing. You were banned from that market for half a _year_."

Kaiya shrugged again, "I don't think I'm violent. I just use necessary physical force."

"...Ain't she unbelievable?" Fang asked, gesturing toward Kaiya who leaned over to pick up her glass of water again.

"Well… he did cop a feel." I muttered.

"I can't believe you're _agreeing_ with her."

"Fang, don't argue with your girlfriend when she agrees with your mother." Kaiya chided.

Fang groaned and turned away from us, "I'm going to sleep."

Kaiya chuckled and turned to me, "…That reminds me, we never did continue our conversation from earlier…"

"About?"

She nodded her head over to Fang who had pulled the sheets over her head as to further emphasize the point that she was ignoring us, "That one over there and you." Kaiya set her glass down, "What are you doing in Yusnaan? I thought you were living in Luxerion?"

I felt my hands tighten in the sheets. I didn't want to wreck the mood with a somber moment in remembrance of my former self. But who said I had to be completely honest and open with Kaiya? This was personal… _really_ personal. And even as open as Kaiya was, I wasn't comfortable with talking with anyone but Fang about the truth of the matter.

I shrugged my shoulders and bit my lip, "…I needed a break from that scene."

"A break?"

"…The Order." I said, glancing down at Fang as she turned over in bed again, "…I could say I was kidnapped against my will."

"I wasn't going to let her rot in that god forsaken city for any longer is what she means."

Kaiya frowned, "The Order is a cult, Claire. What were you doing getting involved with those heretics?"

"…The same could be same for the followers of Etro." I said.

Kaiya shook her head, "The mother goddess does not shame and berate her children in the way that her Father does. His word is not absolute and he's a sham of a God."

I felt like I shouldn't have taken her words to heart, but I did… somewhat. "…Either way, I've spent the last four years within the Order… doing …" Why was this so hard to talk about when it wasn't Fang? I took a deep breath and looked up at Kaiya, "…Doing some repenting for circumstances beyond my control."

"…Which is?" It was a rhetorical question. "What? That you're gay?"

"…Yes."

" _Claire_ , no." Kaiya's face dropped, "No, no, _no_. Never apologize for that. There are too many of you young ones killing yourselves out here because you've got a backwards society telling you that who you are is unacceptable. Please tell me you've never done something or attempted something so rash. _Please_."

"No, I tried to kill that part of me through prayer." I said, "…But … but not so much anymore."

"What made you change your mind?"

Fang turned into her pillow to hide her laughter and I wanted to punch her in her face. What was I supposed to say? Her daughter's _tongue_? I looked back up Kaiya's expectant gaze and tilted my head slightly, "…No amount of prayer. No amount of penance. No …amount of sacrifice could cure it."

"But what made you hate yourself so much?" Kaiya asked, "Your mother was always a kind woman, I can remember that much."

I shook my head and lowered my gaze. It was starting to feel like the room was closing in on me and I couldn't breathe straight. My head hurt and my hands felt restless. "It wasn't my mother. And even though he was a harsh disciplinarian while he was still alive, it wasn't my father."

"Then _who_?"

"Ma." Fang interjected from my side and sat up. I think she seemed to notice the change in my body language and was quick to intervene before things went downhill. Her arm reached around my waist and she pulled me closer to her, "I think that's enough for one night."

I glanced up at Kaiya, "…I'm sorry. I'm not used to talking about this so candidly."

"No, no." Kaiya said, " _No_ , I'm sorry for prying. I thought you'd be open to talking about it given …" She cleared her throat and turned around so she could push herself off the bed. I'm glad she got the hint without Fang having to say more, "I think that's enough pillow talk for the night, yeah? I'm starting to get tired anyway."

"…Ma, that wasn't pillow talk, it's—you know what, never mind. Just forget it. You like butchering English on purpose. So why don't I let you go on your merry way." Fang said as she dropped her arm from around my waist.

"Glad you're learning." She leaned forward on the bed and kissed Fang on the cheek. "Night my little baby."

"Ugh, ma. _Go_."

I was surprised when she turned to me, moved my bangs away from my eyes and leaned in to kiss me on my forehead. She pulled away and smiled warmly at me, "For the times you wanted her to be there and she couldn't be. …I know she's proud of you, Claire. Even if you don't believe it, even if you can't see it. Always know that she is, even if she's not here. A mother's love doesn't fade after you push the soil over her grave. And her child doesn't stop yearning for that love long after she's gone." She let my hair fall back over my eyes and looked at Fang, "I love you both, you know. And I couldn't be more proud of the women you've become."

"Maaa…"

"Oh, hush." Kaiya turned away from us and walked over to the stereo to pick up something. When she turned around I saw it was the incense burner. She pulled out a fresh stick from the plastic pack she'd left on the coffee table and picked up Fang's lighter as well. After letting the incense burn for a minute, she blew it out, closed the case and set it on the coffee table, "White sage has long been used for purifying homes and keeping negative energies out of the living space. Keep it burning through the night, will you? I want you two to stay safe. _Always_."

"All _right_." Fang huffed and slid back into bed.

Kaiya smiled as she looked at us one last time, "Good night."

Fang mumbled a half hearted good night while I replied more clearly. When Kaiya was out of hearing distance, Fang turned to me and lowered her voice, "Sorry about that."

I shook my head, "Don't be, it was nice talking to her."

Fang sighed, "Yeah, sure. I guess. But, question?"

"Yes?" I was about to close my eyes as well, but opened them for one last minute.

"…You were going to say Serah, weren't you?" Fang asked, "That was the answer to her question? Am I right?"

I bit my lip and closed my eyes without giving her a straight answer, "When your mother leaves… I've decided that that's when we're going to sit down and have our talk. And I'm going to tell you everything. …I _need_ to tell you everything."

"I told you I'd be waiting until you were ready."

"I know. I'm just letting you know that I am." I opened my eyes and turned slowly so that I could look at her, "…Keeping all this stuff about Serah pent up inside is making me feel worse and your mother made me realize that."

"Trying to be honest with yourself?"

"Yeah, guess I am."

Fang moved over in the sheets and threw her arm around my waist, "…You know I won't judge you for whatever you tell me right?"

Her eyes were closed so she couldn't see the hesitance written all over my face. I could hear the honesty in her voice and in the back of my mind I was trying to tell myself _believe in her_ , but it wasn't working. Because like before, the familiar feeling of regret and disgust rose from stomach like a twisted vine, curling itself my heart and squeezing it so tightly that it burst.

Fang fell asleep before I found my voice and replied.

_I just pray that you don't._


	10. backsliding

My mind used to be a fragile thing… more fragile than it was now.

There was a time in my life when I depended on Fang to make the world right again, because I was afraid to step out of the house or look beyond the windows of my room. I became reclusive as I was convinced that Jihl would be waiting for me. Every time I was in public, I felt her looking for me. When the sun was high in the sky and the horizon shimmered with heat, she would appear in the water like a mirage, and I would close my eyes, will the bile in my throat to subside, and cry.

That's why I never swam during the day and only at night. Under a blanket of darkness, that's where I belonged. That's where I was safe. This was a time when I sought to hide myself from the light, when I thought I could no longer exist in a realm of duality. I wanted to become everything that was hard, disgusting, and nefarious. This was the moment in which I decided I would no longer go by the name Claire.

In the dark, Lightning gathered Claire's body in her arms and cradled her broken bones and limp limbs. Lightning was hard where Claire had been soft. Lightning would be vicious and acerbic where Claire was mild and passive. Claire asked for protection, Lightning would be the one to give it to her.

The first time I had someone call me Lightning was while I was still in the hospital recovering from Jihl's assault. I was lying in bed one night, my mother tight lipped and knitting furiously at my side. Serah was off at ballet practice. _It's not proper for her to see you like this_ —that's what my mother had said.

_Proper_? How could my mother care about what was proper when her daughter had just been sexually assaulted? Who had time to care about trying to cover things up and pretend that they were still normal? I didn't.

I remember my mother pausing in her knitting to eye the tray of untouched food that hovered above my lap. _Claire, why don't you eat something_?

**Don't call me that**.

The response had been immediate and it was cold, harsh and brusque. I'm sure she was taken aback by my manner, because her eyes widened for a brief second and she set her needles down next to her. She blinked and opened her mouth as if she wanted to say something, but couldn't find the words to form any of her sentences.

I was a quiet child, but I had never been forceful. My manner was curt at times, but I was always respectful. I could see why she was surprised. Serah had always been the one to complain and whine when we were younger. Never me. Never.

_…Is something … wrong_?

**Don't call me Claire**.

She seemed puzzled as if she was trying to figure out if I had gone mental or if this was a serious request. I had been loopy during my time in the hospital… I know. But I was feeling as sane as I'd been since I was admitted.

_…Hon, are you feeling all right? Do you want me to get the doctors_?

**No. I want you to stop calling me Claire**.

It was an odd request, I know. And I knew my mother desperately wanted me to explain, but I couldn't. Because I knew what had happened to me was more than she could take. And I didn't need to put any more stress on her already fragile psyche.

A child… a child is like an extension of a parent. A smaller, feebler version of yourself that needs your unconditional care and love. What happened to me, my mother saw as happening to herself. It wasn't me in the hospital bed, it was her, and she was powerless to do anything to fix it. At least, that's how I think she saw things in the beginning. Later on, she would perhaps grow to understand in that silent and knowing way of hers. My mother was a timid woman, but she was stronger than most gave her credit for.

_…Claire, I don't understand. Why don't you want me to call you by your name_?

**Because I am undeserving of it. …I want you to start calling me Lightning**.

_I think I'm… I think I'm going to go talk to your doctor_.

I'm convinced she thought I was losing my mind. That I was regressing into myself to try and push all the bad memories out, but I wasn't. The memories were as alive and vivid as the day they had occurred, and I wasn't trying to block them out. I was trying to find a way to fight and overcome them, and this was the first step in doing so.

The doctors waved off her worries and told her that psychological trauma was a tricky thing because you never knew what to expect. After a few therapy sessions, they hypothesized that I was simply trying to distance myself away from the old me to establish a new identity. To my mother sounded like: _my daughter has gone completely mental and there's nothing I can do about it_.

Which is not to say, I didn't have my moments. I was pulled out of school for the remainder of December to focus on recovering at home. She tried to get me out of the house and take me out on small outings with her and Serah as much as she could. But, those usually ended with me turning my back on her as she prodded me from the archway of my door. Most of my days were spent buried underneath my blankets, refusing to take the pills that the doctors prescribed for the 'dark days that simmered beneath the horizon'. Pills weren't going to fix what I felt; only I could.

It was on a night right before the Order's greatest day of winter worship that I snuck out of the house to head down to the beach. It was also the first time I'd left the house since I had been discharged from the hospital. That also happened to be the same night that I saw Fang down on the beach, staring listlessly into the deep, dark waters.

**Claire**.

She saw me first and I didn't know what to say or how to respond. She looked as lost as I felt and I could see this deep, dark despondency written all over her face. I took a step forward, trying to find my voice. Fang turned away when she realized I wasn't going to say anything and stared out at the sea again.

_Fang? What are you doing here?_

**Drowning on the air of the sea**.

… _That's impossible_.

**Tell that to the lost spark of life that used to be within me, yeah?**

It didn't dawn on me until recently that that must have been the day that Fang had her first … procedure. What she said didn't make much sense to me because she changed the subject before I could ask her about it. But I realize now that that's what she meant.

**What are you doing out here?**

_I came to swim_.

**It's almost twelve in the god damn mornin' and it's the fuckin' middle of December. That water has got to be freezin'.**

_I prefer it this way_.

She dropped her sandals and looked at me like I had lost my god damn mind. Fang turned back to the water and chose to sit down in the sand just at the edge of the shoreline. I could have sworn she was on the verge of crying. But, that was rare, because Fang's one of those people that you just don't see cry. _Ever._

**You know what? Why are we even pretendin' like shit's normal between the two of us? Why are you even talkin' to me right now?**

_…Because you look awful_.

**That it? I look awful? Oi, fuck off Claire and go drown in the sea. I don't need you an' your uppity ass around mockin' me right now, all right?**

She swiped over her eyes with the back of her hand just as I sat down beside her and leaned my head on her shoulder. Her familiar scent was comforting and I felt myself sighing as I closed my eyes to listen to the ocean tide. The gesture startled her because she bristled, but she didn't pull away from me.

_Just listen to the ocean for awhile, Fang. …It won't hurt you._

**The fuck are you on about?**

_Just do it._

I opened my eyes as she muttered something under her breath that wasn't English and felt her shoulders sag as she relaxed. In a distant memory, I remember Kaiya and my mother taking me, Fang, and Serah down to the beach to play. Fang would take Serah down to the shoreline and give her piggyback rides across the beach while I sat underneath my mother's umbrella and watched the two of them from afar. My mother would encourage me to go play with them, but I was content watching them from where I was. …It reminded me that the beach held too many positive memories for us to mar it with our sullen present.

**I don't feel any calmer.**

_…Were you breathing?_

**I'd be bloody dead if I wasn't**.

_…Maybe we just need a more direct approach_.

I reached for her hand and she gave it to me willingly. She allowed me to pull her to her feet and I gestured toward the sea. Fang seemed skeptical, but she didn't refuse me. This encounter was odd to begin with and I knew neither of us knew exactly how to process seeing each other in such an intimate space.

She was right about the water being cold, but it didn't matter as we waded in together. I took the lead for once, and she followed close behind, never letting go of my hand. We sat down in the sand and slowly let the water carry our legs up so that we could float.

**You do this often? This whole swimmin' in the dead of the night thing**?

_No. It's been awhile since I've been in the water._

Fang didn't ask me for an explanation, she seemed to be lost in a world of her own as her eyes were fixated on the moon that hung overhead. I didn't want to bother her, so I kept quiet as well.

When we hit the shore again, I set about stripping myself of my wet tank top and shorts so I could pull on my dry, oversized sweater to protect myself from the chill of the sea breeze. Fang, however, seemed unperturbed by the chill of the night as she gathered her sandals in her left hand and turned to look at me in the darkness.

She used to wear her hair like her mother's back then, fastened into a long and endless braid that ended just above her waist. And sometimes… sometimes Fang had the exact same look as her mother… undeniable and never ending warmth in her eyes. I wrung the water from my clothing out and Fang turned back to look at the sea, a hint of a smile on her lips.

**You never felt like the sea wronged you, yeah?**

_…It's a stretch of endless freedom, so no._

She laughed as she pulled her braid over her shoulder to squeeze the water from out of her hair. **Still as weird as ever, Claire. Ain't ya? You never change.**

I could only counter her words in my head and lament over how wrong she had been. The wind picked up and I began shivering as it prickled my still wet skin. I thought I saw a flash of light out of the corner of my eye and Fang walked over to me, slung a wet arm around my shoulders and pulled me in close.

**Duck down and hurry up. Don't wanna get caught by the pigs, do ya**?

_…The security regiment? Is that what those lights were?_

**Yeah, just a bunch of out of shape, hapless saps looking to bust us for ignoring curfew. Bunch of tossers they are.**

One of the lights landed right on us just as I slid my feet back into my shoes and I heard a voice shout out to us to wait. Fang let out a whoop as she pulled rather forcefully on my hand and jerked me away from the lights flashing after us. She was right about the 'out of shape' part because the security regiment could barely keep pace with us as we disappeared into the darkness. The lights behind us eventually grew scarce the faster we ran and pretty soon, disappeared all together. Fang slowed her pace, but still held onto my hand.

_I'm assuming this type of thing happens often?_

She shrugged in a dismissive manner. Often enough that I know their rounds. You'd think they'd give up on chasing me. We began walking off the beach and back onto the main road. **Hey, you mind letting me crash at your place?**

_Fang, you live right next door._

**Yeah, well. Ma's kinda… on the warpath tonight and I'd rather not deal with her crazy motherly wrath when I step through the door.** She was still holding my hand. **I promise I'll be gone before you even wake up**.

My first instinct was to tell her no, that my mother wouldn't have approved of me hanging out with her anymore. But … I really didn't care. Hell, I'd probably be in more trouble for sneaking out in the middle of the night. Who cared if my mother found Fang in my bed when she came to check in on me in the morning? So I told her, _sure, it's fine_.

Her smile was brilliant and she kissed me on the cheek in thanks. That was the first time my heart skipped a beat when it came to Fang. I was used to her being touchy, it was a cultural thing. …But that kiss meant more than I thought it did that night.

Fang and I… the whole relationship was really innocent when we were that young. I was shut in, sitting in the fractured shell of my former self. And Fang wandered silently, in aimless circles around me. Sometimes our eyes would meet and she'd give me that same smile from that night. And my heart would squeeze, like someone didn't care that they were crushing it and suffocating me with the weight of their hands.

-x-

After my father died, Serah and I no longer shared a room. My mother converted his old study into Serah's room and I stayed in the room that the two of us shared as children.

Serah used to sleep in my bed when we were younger because she was always afraid of the dark and restless throughout the night. This is normal… for a child. But as we got older, these patterns didn't stop. And sometimes, Serah was incorrigible when I would fight with her to stop.

There were times when I'd snuck Fang into my room for the night and Serah would knock on the door at two in the morning, wailing at me to open up so she could come sleep with me. Even if Fang wasn't there, I'd tell her to go back to bed. She was twelve years old. There was no reason for her to have been sleeping with her fifteen year old sister.

…Other times I wasn't as strong willed. I hated to see my sister cry and she was good for turning on the waterworks when she didn't get her way with me. I tried speaking about it with my mother but she always told me that Serah was needier… more … emotional than I was. I shouldn't be so hard on my younger sister, she was stressed.

Sometimes…I don't think my mother truly understood the situation for what it was. Because if she did, I don't think she would have merely said that Serah was stressed and end the conversation there.

-x-

I used to believe that as I got older, Serah became jealous of my relationship with Fang. And to some degree, I knew she was. Sure, when we were younger we used to always play together. Fang was the playmate Serah always wished I could be, and Serah was the little sister—(sibling)—that Fang never had. But we withdrew from her as I got older and Serah didn't like that. At all.

I remember a time towards the end of January when Fang was staying the weekend with us because her mother had to leave town for a bit. My mother had gone to sleep and Serah should have been asleep as well, seeing as I had to drop her off at the studio early the next morning. Fang and I were up, laying in my bed and talking as we always did.

**So… you don't like guys then?**

I shook my head. _I've never had enough experience with one to know for sure. But I just… don't really feel anything for men. I don't know if I'm emotionally stunted or screwed up… but it's just not there._

**Ain't nothin' wrong with that. Maybe you're just not ready ye** t.

_…What about you?_

**I've already tested the waters with guys.**

_Fang, you've had sex?_

**Well, yeah. Why not? Ain't like people our age aren't doing** it.

_We're_ fifteen _._

**Almost sixteen**.

_Yeah, well_. I sighed and rolled over to look at her. She was still staring up at my ceiling. … _I don't know about that. About sex that is. Do I need to have sex just to know what I like?_

Fang sighed long and hard. I knew she was getting exasperated with me. **No, but like. It helps, you know?** She turned to look at me. **You can't tell me you've never been curious.**

_That's why we're having this conversation now._

**Well, it's like this. Which do you like better, Light? Apples or orange** s?

_What does that matter?_

**A whole lot, dammit. Otherwise, I wouldn't have asked. See, it's like this. You like either or… or maybe you like both. But you have to eat an apple or an orange to know if you like it, yeah?**

_So you're saying I need to experiment with guys and girls to know for sure_?

**It wouldn't hurt.**

I looked away from her and toward the ceiling again. I felt the bed creak by my side as Fang pushed herself up and then hovered over me. Her necklace fell forward and the red tips tickled my nose. What was she doing?

_…Is something wrong?_

She leaned forward and kissed me on the lips. It was nothing more a quick peck, but it was enough for me to feel caught off guard. I pulled the sheets up around my shoulders and turned away from Fang.

_What was_ that _for?_

**Well, I figure I'd be your best bet for experimenting with a girl, yeah?**

_Why would you even take it upon yourself to do something like that and I never gave you permission to?_

Fang sighed and flopped back down on the bed beside me. **Fine, whatever.**

We went to sleep after that. But the next night over, I decided to kiss her back… and that was the start of things. It was at breakfast the next morning after Fang had gone back home that my sister blurted it out.

_"I saw Lightning kissing Fang."_

My mother choked on her toast while Serah continued on eating her grapefruit and silence reigned over the table. I looked at my mother as she met my eyes with what looked like concern and confusion all mixed into one. Serah looked up at me briefly and I thought I saw a hint of smugness in her features. Like she was teaching me not to ignore her.

...She wanted me to know she came first in my life and there was room for on one else.

-x-

_We lie underneath a blanket studded with the stars of night. Nothing but meaningless balls of gas that hold hope for whoever wishes and prays upon them. Fang's breath is hot on my neck and her arms are wrapped tightly around my chest. I've had another nightmare, but she's quick to chase away the demons lurking in the night._

_Somewhere, in the apartment, water drips like a metronome from a faucet. A measure of time kept by old and creaky pipes. The tears build in my chest and try to spill out of my mouth like a river of blood. She doesn't ask me to speak, because she knows of great the pain is. She knows how great the suffocating clutch of reality can be and I have been subject to its whim for far too long._

_I desire to live in a land painted with ethereal shades of green and blue. With sand the color of Fang's skin when it's been kissed by the early summer sun. I wish for oceans that mirror the color of her eyes. Green or blue… depending on the time of day and the strength of the light. I seek refuge in skies as wide and expansive as my mother's eyes. Calm and clear. No limits, no boundaries. Only freedom._

_I desire freedom that I can never find._

-x-

Luxerion was a prison built up with dense fog and heavy steel. It was a prison that kept my mother shut in and me shout out.

The school I transferred to was heavily influenced by the Order and I was the outsider in a pool of conformists. …It's clichéd, but that's the easiest way to explain how isolated I felt from my peers during my last two years of schooling.

There were mandatory religion classes, prayers every morning and afternoon and the presence of a priest always lingered about in the hallways. Even though I had been raised in the faith during my childhood, this level of influence was extreme. I felt like I didn't belong from the moment I stepped foot into that school and I wanted to leave as soon as I had arrived.

God was always watching. That's what they always wanted you to remember. God was watching you no matter what you were doing, no matter what time of day, no matter where you were, he was always watching. I remember standing before the cathedral at the age of sixteen, completely mystified and terrified about what was inside. Worship was slightly different in Luxerion and everything… felt harsher… colder… more condemning than it ever had in Bodhum.

I felt like…I felt like I was standing before God every time we gathered in the school's cathedral for the morning service. There was a statue of Bhunivelze erected on the wall behind the altar where the high priestess would recite for the whole congregation. And sometimes… I felt like his eyes moved. Like they were staring right at me. _I know what you are._

I tried not to pull away from Fang during the two years that I spent in that school. But, it was hard to recall her gentle touch on my shoulder or her kiss upon my cheek without feeling this gut wrenching queasiness within the pit of my stomach. Sometimes I was left short of breath when I'd daydream about her during religion class… and was reminded once again of my sickness.

The first time she came to visit us was during our first winter in Luxerion. I was having a horrible time trying to get used to the colder winters and Fang was literally the heat that melted the flurries of snow that continued to fall throughout all of December, January and February. When she arrived, she was all smiles and excitement. She tried to kiss me on the train platform, but I was quick to turn my face. Not in front of all these people… especially not in this place.

My sister tried keeping tabs on us for the entire time Fang was there. Since moving to Luxerion, she had stopped knocking on my door in the middle of the night to try and sleep with me. I used to believe that because she was so malleable at this stage in her life, that the teachings of the Order reached her sooner than me. But, that wasn't the case at all.

Serah threw a fit when Fang came to visit. _Lightning, watch me dance. Lightning, I need help with my new pointe shoes. Lightning, I need you to take me to practice because mom's not feeling well._ Any diversion Serah could think of, she was sure to try and throw it into whatever Fang and I had planned.

**She's awfully possessive of you.** It was early in the morning, and we were laying around in my bed while I heard Serah whine to my mother just outside my door in the kitchen. **Almost makes me think she wants to bang you as much as I do.**

_Fang, that's disgusting, she's my sister._

Fang shrugged her shoulders. **Well, she's awfully bratty for a little sister who gets upset just because her older sister won't walk her to ballet class. Don't you take her over to the academy every morning before you head off to school yourself? She ever heard of a break?**

_Yeah, I do. Mom hasn't been feeling the greatest lately, so I do what I can to help her out._ I sighed and turned on my side so I could look at Fang. _I honestly don't know why she gets like this_.

**Maybe she just needs to get herself a hunky little man fellow**. Fang brushed her thumb over the tip of her nose and closed her eyes as she snuggled back into the sheets. **Bet that'll solve her problems.**

And that's exactly what Serah did. My mother sent her back to Bodhum during her spring recess and Fang called me up four days after Serah had left to tell me: **Oi, Sunshine! Tell me why I just saw your sister havin' her bloody face eatin' off by this big hulking idiot with fucked up hair? You know about this?**

His name was Snow Villiers and according to Fang he ran around in the same degenerative group that she did, although she said they were merely acquaintances—(apparently, she had had a fling with his best friend or some other mess and met him once or twice). Either way, she had been at some party and went outside to light up a spliff when she heard giggling coming from underneath the deck she was standing on.

When Fang recognized my sister was the one who was giggling and making out with Snow, she called out to them. I have to admit, I was amused when she described Serah's face as, 'just like a little kitten who was repeatedly getting its face punched in by brass knuckles'. I could see Fang with her signature shit eating grin, arms folded over the edge of the deck's railing and the unlit spliff hanging out of her mouth. My sister would no doubt be staring back up at Fang with nothing but terror in her eyes. _She's going to tell, Lightning._

Serah returned home three days later and avoided me as if she had some deep dark secret that she was trying to hide from me. I didn't really care about what my little sister had done. She was back in Luxerion and this … Snow… character was all the way back in Bodhum. Nothing would come of the relationship, so it wasn't like I had to be the older sibling and intervene.

…Or so I thought.

-x-

Fang disappeared from my life when I turned seventeen. All she left me with was one tearful voicemail where I couldn't understand anything but _I love you_ and _goodbye_ , followed by almost two years of silence.

By time I called her back, Kaiya was remorseful in telling me that Fang had gone back to Oerba and would be staying there for however long it took to sort herself out. She didn't want to talk to _anyone_ … not even me.

We weren't together ... we never were together in the first place. Fang never put a formal title on me and I never asked her to. It was just a … just a thing that we had. A kind of thing where I simply liked to kiss and hold her under the protection of a thick, dark duvet. A kind of thing where I'd roll into her arms after a horrible nightmare about Jihl and she would hold me through the night, only to give me that cheeky and reassuring smile in the morning to let me know that things would be okay.

It was the kind of thing where my mother had to have Fang coax me out from underneath my bed one afternoon and stay with me for two days, because I refused to leave my bedroom and my mind was playing tricks on me again. I remember Fang asking my mother to run a bath as she hovered over me, worried that I'd finally snapped and there was no way to fix me. I don't remember what was going through my mind, but I remember Fang's fingers tucking my hair behind my ears, her picking me up and carrying me to the bathroom while murmuring softly; _I got you, Claire. It's okay. I gotcha._

Even with putting all of this into consideration, it didn't hurt any less to have my main confidant, the one person I went to for everything disappearing on me without an explanation as to why. I asked Kaiya if it was about something I'd done and she told me—reassured me—that it wasn't. I had done nothing to wrong… but Fang had some problems. Some _big_ problems that she needed to sort out herself and no one could do it for her.

But her words weren't enough, because I was convinced that somehow… underneath it all, I was the problem. I was better than I had been in Bodhum. I was no longer paranoid about Jihl and had moved on from everything … but maybe what we were—what we were doing—had gotten to Fang. Maybe Fang wasn't as free loving as she said she was. I would ruminate over the situation for years to come, and would continue to do so until I finally knew the truth.

-x-

My mother's sickness took its first turn for the worse when I turned seventeen. All the doctors could say was ' _its spreading'_ and she began the back and forth to the hospital again.

Between looking after Serah and taking care of my mother, it was like I had become the head of my household over night. Our first year in Luxerion passed in a blur. Serah excelled at the academy while I muddled my way through my last year of high school. Nothing mattered when I was up half the night worrying about my mother and the state of her health. She didn't like me to fuss over her and hover, but it was impossible not to. My sister, in turn, brought joy to her face for the first time in a long time when my mother got to watch her dance in the Nutcracker as Clara.

Snow also came to visit Luxerion for the first time during the winter Serah turned fifteen. She had mentioned him in passing and my mother was curious to see this young 'gentleman' that my sister was so enamored with. He charmed my mother right away; I was hardened against his moronic charm.

I hated Snow from the moment I met him and Serah saw that. He was an outsider and I'm sure he was well aware of that from the way I narrowed my eyes at him as Serah clutched his arm protectively and hid away from my gaze.

-x-

_I was sitting with my back against my door, a wine bottle pressed against my lips as I watched the sun rise from behind the buildings beyond my window._

_I was eighteen, fresh out of high school and intent on missing my graduation ceremony that morning. As if I cared. My mother was asleep in the next room over, exhausted from having thrown up from half the night and my nerves were shot. I was worried that if I closed my eyes that she would need me and I wouldn't be there to help her. I couldn't depend on Serah to do this, she shouldn't have had to worry about the things that I did._

_There was a timid knock on my door and my sisters voice calling my name came afterward. I let my head loll back and hit the wooden doors. "What, Serah?"_

_"….Lightning, can I come in?"_

_"Shouldn't you be getting ready for class?"_

_"I don't want to go today..." She paused, "Please? Let me in?"_

_I set the bottle down on the floor and stood up so I could open my door. Serah was standing outside in the hallway looking beat down, as if she had been crying all night. She was already dressed for class, but her hair was still undone. "You need to go, Serah. You can't just stay home because mom is sick. I'm going to look after to her, so get going."_

_Her bottom lip quivered and she looked away from me. I could see the water shimmering in her eyes as she furiously rubbed the back of her hand over her face, "I don't want to."_

_I sighed, pulled her into my room and shut the door behind us. My mother's room was right across from mine and I didn't need Serah waking her up because she wanted to argue with me. My sister walked past me and moved to sit on my bed while I stood near my door with my arms tightly tucked into one another, "_ … _She'll be_ fine, _Serah. The doctor's said there was a possibility she'd react to the medicine this way. It's normal as long as she gets some rest."_

" _It_ isn't _normal, she's_ _ **dying**_ _!" She protested._

"… _We're_ all _dying, Serah." I replied, "Some faster than others."_

_She looked away from me again, "…Why mom? Why her?" She murmured to no one in the room but herself, "This isn't fair. We already… we already lost dad but mom…"_

_Serah looked up at me and her eyes were slowly misting over with fresh tears once again. I looked to the light that was slowly seeping into my room and admired the way it painted warm golden streams on my skin, "We won't lose her, Serah."_

" _How can you be so certain of that, Lightning?"_

_I walked away from the light and sat down beside Serah on my bed, "She's strong. She'll overcome this like she did before."_

_Serah looked up at me and then turned her gaze back down to the floor. She leaned her head on my shoulder and reached for my hand where it was resting in my lap, "…I wanted Luxerion to be a new start for us. I wanted things to be happy for once instead of sad and depressing all the time…"_

" _I know, Serah."_

" _Promise me you won't let that dream fade, Lightning? Please?" She squeezed my hand, "Promise me you'll try and keep that dream alive? For me?"_

"… _I'll try."_

_She nodded then stood up so she could look for me, "…I should go get ready for class then…" Serah tilted her head to the side in curiosity, "…Isn't your graduation today?"_

_I shrugged, "…What's more important?"_

_Serah nodded silently in agreement and stood poised before me. We remained like that for a moment, the sun slowly stretching its rays along the floorboards of my room. My sister eventually balled one fist against her chest and quickly leaned forward and kissed me directly on the lips. Before I could get a word in edgewise, she rushed out of the room without looking at me._

-x-

The company was on break, but Serah never stopped going to the studio. I, in turn, spent my summer working at a bookstore a few blocks away from our apartment and looked after my mother. She was doing better and the medication wasn't having the same effect on her as it was previously. We always went on walks after I came home from work and would sit down by the clock tower, right by the cathedral. Sometimes we would meet my sister and the three of us would walk home together in the silence of a warm summer's night.

That summer my sister experienced a loss of her own, her first heartbreak. She broke up with Snow shortly after the kiss that we never talked about and immediately looked to me to help her mend her heart. That's how the entire mess started …and I should have cut it as quickly as it had begun, but I couldn't. I just … I just couldn't.

She slept in my bed more often than she should have, more than I should have allowed. I would put her out at the first break of dawn when she would have to get ready for dance and I would have to help my mother with breakfast and get ready for work. My mother didn't know what was going on. She was just glad that we were getting along.

Serah would sleep curled against my backside. In a way, she reminded me of Fang and me from long ago, back when I was still visited by nightmares of Jihl and her invasive touch. As time went on, she grew bolder. A hand resting on my hip or an arm wrapped too snuggly around my chest. I didn't know how to tell her no, because I didn't want to see her cry again. ...I didn't want to give my sister another reason to cry again.

-x-

My sister eventually left me alone halfway into the summer after finding herself a fling with a male dancer in her academy, a boy by the name of Noel. There was nothing outstanding about him, but I preferred him over Snow. That relationship didn't last long because as the last leaves of summer faded from dying trees and autumn overwhelmed the skies of Luxerion, she carelessly tossed him aside.

Also, with the arrival of autumn, my mother's condition improved and she was back to her normal self for a little while. I didn't have to care for her like I had been doing so I was given a bit of freedom to act my age for once. So, one night, I stole out onto the streets of Luxerion, having curiously glimpsed bits of the night life from behind the shades of my window for the last two years. My mother had actually encouraged me. _Go on and get out for the night, I'll be fine_.

They called them heretics, the freaks that didn't fit in with society but had nowhere to go besides the streets of this God fearing city. They rejected the teachings of Bhunivelze and embraced nothing but Etro's words. I was familiar with this ideology … Fang's mother had been a practitioner of sorts. Not to say that all of them were religious, but all of them were outcasts, and I knew I belonged.

I found myself in a pub… or a club—I wasn't quite sure—filled with an assortment of colorful characters. Women masquerading as men, men dolled up with red lips and perfectly manicured nails. There were a few stragglers who looked as I did… lost, confused … _dazed_. The night swept me away and cradled me in its warm and inviting arms. To believe such a world was hiding within these walls was nothing short of amazing.

I proceeded to nurse a clear drink that was foreign on my tongue. I knew that I was out of place in this room… I was _always_ out of place no matter where I went. But I was determined to try and stick something out… no matter how uncomfortable it made me.

It wasn't long before I allowed a woman to twirl me onto the dance floor. She was beautiful with eyes the color of emeralds like Fang… but hair the color of a rose… soft, wispy and long…like my sister. The music was loud and the alcohol swam in my head like a drunken fish that had nowhere to go. My mouth was full of cotton and my stomach was full of fear. My heart hammered along to the beat of the bass as she pulled me away from view and pushed me up a wall in the darker recesses of the venue to kiss me with everything that she had.

Her hands were up my shirt and forcefully cupping my breasts through my bra, kneading them and pushing them together with her soft hands. I had allowed Fang to do this to me only once before I turned away from her, my face red with shame underlying my embarrassment. What was I supposed to do? It felt too good to have her stop, but I knew she had to. I couldn't do this … not like this.

As soon as a hand traveled south, I broke contact with the woman and forcefully pushed her from me. It's strange how one minute you're comfortable with something and then something can happen in an instant to freak you out. I stole out of the place, the memory of that woman burned into my memory as I began walking home in the silence of the night. Serah was in the living room with my mother watching something on the television when I arrived home. They didn't question my brief goodnight as I walked past them and went into my room.

I was up for the better portion of the night, replaying the memory of the woman and the bar over and over in my head until I had exhausted myself. It wasn't long before the door to my room creaked and I saw the outline of my sister appearing in the darkness. Serah stole into my bed and threw her arms over me in her usual protective hold. She knew I was up; I never slept to begin with.

_I broke up with Noel tonight._

_**And how do you feel about that?** _

_I don't care._

_**Are you sure?** _

_He isn't Snow, Lightning._ She rolled over to look at me. _He isn't_ you.

-x-

I started having horrible… _horrible_ dreams about my sister and I was more disgusted with myself for how I dealt with those dreams in the morning. To say I was fucked up was an understatement. But my head hadn't been screwed on right since I was fifteen and I had no concept of what was truly right or wrong anymore.

More time elapsed and my relationship with Serah grew more inappropriate with each passing day. But what was I to do? I felt like nothing in our family had ever been normal, that the three of us were always at the brink of immediate self destruction. Every time my mother went into the hospital I was sure that we were at the end of her days, but then she would bounce back and be okay for a little while. Hope was a fading thing that I tried to hold onto, but just couldn't. I was eighteen, going on nineteen and completely blank.

I didn't feel anything anymore. That's why Serah was able to sneak into my bed every night and kiss me and touch me over and over again while murmuring that she loved me so much and didn't want me to ever go away. At times, I saw myself as something to be used. A tool, not a person. I was there to provide solace for others and keep my grief locked away as if it was something that didn't exist.

I wasn't a person in the eyes of my father, I wasn't a person in the eyes of Jihl and I wasn't a person in the eyes of Serah. I was something to be used over and over again for whatever purpose they saw fit. And I let it happen, willingly, over and over and over again until finally, I snapped.

-x-

_My mother gifts Serah and I with matching arm bands._

_We promise her that we'll stay together long after she's gone._

… _In more ways than one._

-x-

Fang came back into my life a year before my mother died.

She showed up on my doorstep one winter's morning, her scarf obscuring everything but the smile that slowly began to bud in her eyes when I opened the door to my apartment. I thought she was an illusion, just another trick that my mind wanted to play on me, just another longing from another time. A time of innocence… a time when she was the only thing that made sense. But there she was, as loud and vibrant as she had ever been, waltzing in through the front door and trailing snow behind her. She threw her arms around me without taking her coat off and chilled me with the cold from outside.

I didn't know what to say to her and I felt all the words that I had for her during the last two years caught in my throat. So, I backhanded her. Fang took the blow willingly, rubbed her jaw afterwards and set her eyes on me. **Guess I deserved that one** _ **.**_

Over two mugs of hot chocolate we sat staring at one another, neither knowing where to start or how to begin. Fang didn't tell me the entire truth about why she left, but gave me a half hearted story about fucking things up to the point where she couldn't fix them… and that she had to get out of Bodhum before she self destructed to the point of no return. She was living with her father and studying in Oerba now… something about biology and plants. I wasn't really paying attention; I was still in shock that she was actually sitting before me. _This_ was Fang. She was _real_.

Things headed south once my sister came home from the academy. Fang caught Serah's eye and I felt the room bubble and simmer around me. The boiling point wasn't far off, I knew this as fact. My relationship with Serah was still as sick and codependent as it had ever been and having Fang and Serah in the same room was like rolling my life back three years prior to when she threw fits late at night outside my room.

Serah was in the midst of saying something about my mother as she walked in through the entryway, set her bag down and set about taking off her boots. When she caught sight of Fang, her chipper demeanor immediately subsided and she picked her bag up off the floor and wordlessly stomped her way into her room and slammed the door.

**She's still the same, yeah?**

… _Yeah._

Fang didn't stay for long, but told me she would be back tomorrow. She was on a trip with her younger cousin, Vanille, to scope out potential universities and Luxerion held her second and third choices.

**You should come out to dinner with us tomorrow. My treat.**

… _I really don't know…_

**Please, Light? …I wanna make this up to ya…** I wanted to tell her no, but she grabbed my hands in hers and squeezed them. Still firm, but gentle. **It's been so long… and I know …I know I left abruptly and I left my ma to clean up the mess, but I wanna make things right again.**

I knew my sister was listening through the crack in her bedroom door and I could feel her eyes burning coldly into my back. I looked away from Fang and she brushed her index finger under my chin and tilted it up so that our eyes could meet again. She kissed me on the lips, short and sweet.

**Just think about it, yeah?**

I slapped her again and she grinned.

-x-

After two more brief flings, Serah got back together with Snow just as soon as Fang became a regular fixture in my life again. It was as if Serah was trying to silently convey to me that she was angry with me for letting Fang back in.

She only wanted it to be the two of us; it should _only_ be the two of us.

-x-

When I found my mother lying on the floor of her bathroom one morning in late autumn with blood streaming down her face from out of her nose, I knew things were going to change for good in my life.

From November until the middle of the June, I lived at the side of my mother's bed. There was nothing the doctors could do anymore. They had exhausted all alternative forms of medical treatment, radiation no longer worked and the pills were ineffective. Those last few months with my mother were about making her comfortable and I tried to do it in the best way that I could.

She never stopped smiling through it all, and I in turn, looked to prayer to get me through the harsh reality that I was about to be orphaned at the mere age of twenty. I was an adult… but my sister wasn't. Twenty years is barely a quarter of a century… how could anyone say that we had had sufficient time to learn all that we could about the world from our parents? I was angry, so _damn_ angry and I didn't know what to do about it.

I sat through my first church service since my high school days on the eve of my sister's seventeenth birthday. Maybe this was Bhunivelze punishing me … I _knew_ this was him punishing me and there was so much for me to atone for over the years. I thought if I gave up everything that I was… everything would right itself. They taught us that God was merciful if you obeyed… so I prayed. I prayed for him to forgive me for everything that had transpired with my sister… and Fang… and Jihl… and everything in between. I remember crying for the first time in years as I bowed my head against the pew in front of me.

I just wanted things to be _normal_. I was tired of existing in a world where I felt like I was okay one minute and questioning everything I did the next. What happened with my sister was sick and vile and should have never occurred… but we were both vulnerable and had no one else to turn to.

Is that how I rationalized it in my mind? Is that how I allowed myself to go on living, knowing that what I did with my sister… what we were doing went beyond the bounds of _sisterly love_? I was vulnerable? She was vulnerable? Does vulnerability mean you let your sister feel you up underneath your sheets at night? Are you supposed to let her kiss you while she grinds against herself against your thigh and you stare up at your ceiling as you question why you are allowing her to do this? It was _sick_. Sick and demented and terrible and it had been going on for too long and I was sick of it.

I kept my distance with Serah. When Snow was gone, she was pining for me to pay attention to her, but I didn't. She was seventeen. This had gone on for long enough and I wouldn't allow myself to be led astray by this sickness any longer.

I helped her, of course… assumed the role of a parent because no one else could do it for her. I made sure she was prepared for class in the morning, preparing breakfast and waking her up long after I had risen with the first glimpse of sunrise. I always made sure her pointe shoes were prepared when she had worn down another pair and was exhausted after a long day of practice at the academy. She was always dressed properly, fresh dance tights or wraps or pants. And I saw to it that she had the proper nutrition that her teachers vehemently requested she'd stick to. But that's as far as things went. I kept myself busy in the hospital with my mother and kept Serah as far away from me as possible.

-x-

When my mother died, Fang appeared at my doorstep at 3AM looking as tired and drawn as I did. She enveloped me in her arms and pulled me out of the darkness of my apartment and onto the streets of Luxerion.

I drank that night, _heavily_ so. For one moment, my newfound faith was lost and I found myself succumbing to years of pent up anger and rage. I drank to the point where Fang's eyes doubled and her smile flipped itself around. The world was a sea of faces spinning around and around and my fists connected with whichever one made me the angriest.

I don't remember much of that night because I blacked out and woke up with my face buried in Fang's chest, my head throbbing and my throat raw. There was a cut beneath Fang's left eye and my knuckles were battered, bruised and bloody. Everything ached. My heart, my mind, my soul.

The sun was shining, but there was no warmth in my room. Everything was black … and frigid and cold. Even with Fang lying next to me, even with the look of concern she gave me when she woke up beside me, I felt nothing. I never bothered to ask her for the specifics of that night, they weren't important. I could already tell from my physical state that I'd gone overboard and my emotions had grabbed a hold of me when I tried so hard to stuff them down.

For one night, Claire had finally broken through to scream at Lightning to listen to her and that she was in excruciating _pain_. And Lightning? All she did was stuff her down, told her to shut up and stay quiet.

-x-

I sent Serah away to spend the summer in Bodhum.

I couldn't be around anyone that summer. I needed time to be alone with just my books, the silence and prayer. I immersed myself in the teachings of the Order. Found comfort in the scripture and hymns that decorated every corner of the cathedral. I sought salvation and for a moment, I began to feel it. Every bad feeling, every horrible thought and memory seemed to vanish into thin air. …In the beginning that is.

I kept everyone at a distance because this is the way it had to be …

…This was the way it _should_ be.

-x-

Serah was trying to take away the only family I had left.

I watched my sister self destruct after the death of my mother. I watched her throw up her emotions like rainbow paint, splattering against a stark white canvas. I saw the bruises in her skin, the small nicks in places that she thought no one would see. I saw the hollowness of her eyes in my sleep, her slumped posture and her vibrant ramblings turned to dulled, humdrum mumblings. She was angry with me, and my parents and Snow and whoever else she could find fault with. But most of all, she was angry with herself.

Serah prided herself in being the good kid, the one that everyone lauded their praises for. And to discover these faults within herself was alarming. The company was kind to give her time off, send their condolences for our mother. But, Serah … Serah thought they were calling her weak. Serah thought they were trying to find some way to sabotage her when she was so close to becoming a principal after her final year of training. She wouldn't let anything stand in her way.

But, she did. And it was herself.

-x-

_I found a stick testing positive for a pregnancy test in the garbage pail in the bathroom._

_There it was, in plain view, as if Serah wanted me to see it and ask her about it. She was in the living room, sitting by the fireplace and staring into the burning embers as they curled around and flickered against pieces of wood. Her hand was resting over her stomach and there was no emotion on her face._

"… _Serah." I began, not entirely sure how to deal with any of this. I wasn't her mother, I was her_ sister _._

" _I'm four months." She said, "…Or close to there. I can't say for sure."_

_The way she talked so carelessly about it wasn't normal and for a moment I thought she was doing it to mess with me. I swallowed past the lump building in my throat and willed my slowly building ire to settle back down. I had to be calm about this. That was the only way to go about the situation. "…How long have you known?"_

" _Suspected since October, known since November." She replied and finally looked at me, "…It's Snow's, you know. …We plan on keeping it."_

_I lowered my eyes to her shirt where I could see her stomach beginning to poke out, "You'll ruin your life for that idiot, Serah?"_

_"He loves me." She said, cradling her stomach again, "He loves me like_ _**you** _ _never did."_

"… _The_ way _that you want to be loved by me Serah is wrong." I said, feeling an overwhelming sense of nausea wash over me, "Do you realize that? Do you understand that what we did should have never happened?"_

" _But, I_ love _you, Claire." Serah said as she stood up and walked over to me.  
_

" _Serah._ _ **Please**_ _. Stop this."_

" _I could keep it…" Serah said, as she looked down at her stomach and then back up at me. "I could keep it and we could raise it here. We could have our own little family again, Claire. Me, you and the baby… I'll dump Snow; tell him I got rid of it. Had a miscarriage and that I never want to see him again… but you'll know the truth and I—"_

_I slapped her hand away before it even landed on my face, "Don't you dare touch me."_

_Her eyes crinkled in hurt and I saw her bottom lip tremble, "…I don't understand, Claire. I've never understood it…" She looked up at me with tears brewing in her eyes, "…All you had to do was love me back but that was so_ impossible _for you. You've never loved anyone in this world but Fang… and no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried; she always came first in your heart. None of this would be happening right now if it weren't for her!"_

" _Don't you_ dare _blame getting yourself knocked up like some low rate whore on_ _ **Fang**_ _." I seethed through clenched teeth, "_ You _spread your legs for Snow, Serah, like you didn't have a god damn ounce of common sense and now you have to deal with it."_

" _Yeah? Is that what I am? A_ whore _?" Serah asked, growing more defiant by the minute, "Just like your precious Fang who spread her legs for every man in Bodhum?"_

_I slapped my sister the minute the words left her mouth. Serah raised a shaky hand up to her cheek and turned away from me to muffle the sounds of her cries. I had an inkling of how promiscuous Fang had been when we were teenagers, but that wasn't for me to judge …and it_ definitely _wasn't a topic that was up for discussion with Serah._

_She turned away from me and paused in mid step, "I'm leaving. I'm going back to Bodhum and I'm not coming back. I don't want to stay here and go crazy with you anymore." The tears were falling freely down her face now, "I just wanted us to be a family. I love you so much, Claire. And I just wanted to be close to you. And you won't let me._ _ **You won't let me**_ **.** "

_I stared at her in the loud silence of her tears, but I didn't say anything. Because nothing I said would change it. Nothing I said would make it better. My sister's door slammed and I lost my attention in the fireplace._

_She was the fire, and I, the slowly decomposing wood._


	11. fire on the water

I didn't have to continue the story after I stopped with Serah leaving Luxerion, because Fang already knew what happened. My throat ached from the buildup of unshed tears and my mind swam with words that I couldn't pin down and make sense of. The moon was shining so brightly on that night that I thought Bhunivelze would break through its surface, aim judgment straight at my heart and pull my soul straight into hell for everything that I had just confessed to.

I drew the sheet tightly around my shoulders and bowed my head. I couldn't look at her; I _didn't_ want to look at her. Even if she had tried to assure me time and time again that she wouldn't judge me, this was too much. I regretted even opening up about everything that happened with Serah because it brought back too much pain and hatred. I _hated_ myself for allowing what had happened and I paid the price for it day _after_ day.

The door opened and closed softly behind me and I heard Fang's footsteps pace slowly across the wooden floors of her room and stop at her bed. She said she needed a moment to gather her thoughts, but I'm pretty sure that was just a nice way of saying that she didn't know how to deal with me anymore. What the fuck was the point in this? Why were we even doing this right now?

"Please say you don't hate me." I whispered before she could say anything. I shut my eyes and pulled the sheets tighter. My hands were starting to tremble with the force in which I held onto them, "… _Please,_ Fang."

I heard her shift in the sheets and the bed creaked beneath her weight, "Far from it, Lightning. … _Far_ from it." Fang murmured, "…You've held all of that in for all these years? …And you never told no one?"

I shook my head, "No. …You're the first."

"Not even the Order? Didn't you join to repent? Wouldn't confessing everything you just told me be the first step to all of that?"

I continued to shake my head, " _No_."

She whistled long and low, "You been holdin' all of this in for this long… _dammit_ , Lightning." Fang shifted again and she pushed herself forward so that she was seated beside me. I looked away from her as soon as her legs stretched out beside mine, "She just… you just…"

"It's disgusting, I know." I said, "We never… we never did _that_ , you know. Just a lot of… we never…" I couldn't even think straight, I felt my resolve starting to leave me. "…I wasn't lying when I said you were the first."

"Lightning, this has nothing to do with your god damn virginity or any of that stupid ass superficial shit!" She practically yelled at me. "This has to do with you being taken advantage of by your god damn younger sister!"

"…I never laid down proper boundaries when it came to Serah; I thought we've been over this before."

"Yeah, well, I didn't think it got this bad." Fang said, "I thought… I wasn't expecting something like _this_ , fuck. Fuck, Lightning. _Fuck_."

"…Does this mean… you don't…"

"No, Light. This doesn't change how I fuckin' feel about you in the least, I just…" She rose abruptly from the bed and walked over to peer out of the window by her desk, "If I knew you were going through so much… I… Etro, I'm an _idiot_."

"You can't blame yourself for what happened with Serah."

" _Can't_ I?" She asked, turning around to look at me, "I could have gone to school in Luxerion and been close by to you after I finished high school. Fuck, why didn't I? Maybe then you would have been happier and I could have been closer."

And just like that, my self deprecation slowly turned into anger, "…You aren't supposed to be my savior, Fang. You're supposed to be my friend." Or _more_ than that. Could I even continue to claim that at this point?

Fang took a long, deep breath and leaned over her desk to reach for something. She banged the dark box of cloves into her hand and then turned over her shoulder to look at me, "Get up and come outside." Was the only thing she said to me before she unlocked the door to the balcony and stepped out into the cool night air.

The curtains framing the balcony doors billowed out behind her and I could only stare as she leaned forward on the railing and lit up. It felt like the tension that had been building up in the room left and flooded out along with Fang into the world outside. She looked over her shoulder at me as if silently asking me why I hadn't gotten up yet to follow her. I let the sheets fall from my shoulders and stood up on shaky legs.

"…I guess… I can't act like I'm in complete shock, yeah?" She ran her lighter over the end of the clove again, "It's kind of funny though… you had me thinking it was your fault that things turned out how they did."

"But it _is,_ Fang."

"…No… it's not." Fang shook her head slowly, "I can't say I know what it's like. Both my parents are still livin' and even when ma was struggling way back when and I was doin' my stupid shit … my situation was probably never as dire as yours turned out to be."

"Don't try to undermine what you suffered through for my sake, Fang. I won't be patronized."

"That ain't it at all, _fuck_." She cursed and sucked her teeth, "What I'm sayin' is that the hand life dealt you was fucked up Lightning and your sister was like … was like…" Fang paused in thought, "You ever see those paintings of drowning sailors and ship wrecks with those freaky lookin' mermaids waiting around in the waters below?"

"Yeah, what about them?"

"That's the first thing that comes to mind when you talk about Serah." Fang replied, "I don't know, she just feels like some type of external force that was always nipping at your heels for attention and love when you were struggling to keep your family afloat. I just think its weird how you said you had unnatural feelings for your sister… when she was the real culprit in all of this."

"But I allowed it to happen." I said as I began to massage the impending headache up from out of my temples, "Sure, you go back to our childhood and you say I might have started things, but Serah finished them. …Maybe I screwed her up… maybe that's why she was always the way she was."

"I wouldn't know. Ain't got any siblings of my own so I don't know how this whole sisterly bond thing works out…" Fang shrugged, "I mean, I got Vanille... but that's not really the same thing."

"…Are you disgusted with me?" I asked.

"I can't say. It's a lot of shit to take in, you know?" She asked, "I don't think disgusted is quite the word to use here… maybe more like concerned?"

"I've had years to deal with it."

"But have you really?" Fang asked, "That's why you turned to the Order isn't it? You were convinced that maybe being gay meant you were a predator? That's it ain't it?"

"…I guess." I said, "I don't know. I was disgusted with myself for so long and I didn't know what to do. I only had you for a means of support back then and I couldn't tell you about that. Not then… not while it was so fresh."

"So you thought cutting me off and keeping me at arm's length was the best way to go about things?"

" _You_ did it, too." I snapped as I closed my eyes and ran a hand through my hair, "I just... I don't _like_ mess, Fang. I don't like it when I let people in because shit becomes too messy and I don't like _dealing_ with my emotions. People take shit and twist it around and use it to hurt you, to harm you. People like telling you what they think about your choices and your life and what you're doing and I hate hearing the unwanted opinions of others because believe it or not, as steadfast as you believe me to be, I'm not. I second guess myself _all_ the time."

"What does that have to do with _me_?"

"It has _everything_ to do with you!" I yelled, "Just think about how messed up everything is, Fang. How fucked up both of us are. Just look back into the past and think of everything that's _happened_ , everything we've _gone_ through. How was I supposed to tell you that I had an incestuous relationship with my sister and be _okay_ with that? Tell me, Fang? _Tell me_."

Her laugh was sardonic as she let another clove and exhaled an impressive cloud of smoke, "…You think life is supposed to be easy, huh? You think we're all supposed to just flit here and there and on a nice, clean white sheet, all the while, staying oblivious to all of our problems that loom overhead in the distance?" She asked, "That it, Lightning? That why you always wearing that mask of yours?"

"It's easier when you don't have anyone around constantly asking you about yourself." I muttered, "…It's easier to wear a mask of deception than let people know the complete and honest truth about you. I hate mess. I _hate_ feeling like everything is a mess."

"Everything's not going to always go your way, sweetheart. Especially when you're always trying to ignore it." Fang said, as she began laughing the same dry laugh of hers, "You're not a _soldier_ no matter how much you will yourself to be. And even a soldier's gotta cry sometime. A mess is a mess, who cares. Humans are stupid and flawed creatures who are always getting into shit that's way over their heads. And what do we do? We always survive in the end." She shrugged, "A few minor casualties along the way, sure. But who cares in the grand scheme of things?"

"Then what was the point in killing Claire?" I asked, "What was the point in trying to turn myself into this hard and cruel person who felt nothing and did everything that was expected of her?"

"Well, before you went all tabula rasa on us, you used to be different. Sure, you've always been somewhat standoffish and eccentric, if that's the word we're going for, but you still had your humanity back then, Light." Fang said, turning to look at me again, "I looked at you in Luxerion and your eyes were just dead. There was nothing going on in here." She tapped her head for emphasis, "And now you're… I can see you coming back around but you're so conflicted on the inside that I don't think you know how."

"I feel like… I feel like there's no way to get back to who I was." I said, "Some days I've convinced myself that what happened wasn't real… just a long and tiring dream that I've been trying to get over for so long now. But other days… other days it's not so true. Reality comes back like a bone breaking, gut spilling car crash. And it's like I know I should have been wearing my seat belt, because then my entrails would be intact instead of spread out for the world to see. But I just _don't care_." I shifted my gaze away from her, "It's like asking myself… _what's the point_?"

Fang sighed, "Look, Light. What happened with you and your sister… I don't know what to say. I really don't. It's fucked up, yeah. Of course, that's what everyone expects you to say. But I'm not gonna sit around here holding my hand over my mouth, acting scandalized over what you just told me, because honestly, do I have any right to?"

"I suppose not, but I know you're going to."

"Does it matter if I do?"

"If you're someone I consider important, shouldn't it?"

Fang shrugged, "I'm just another person, Lightning. Another being put on this god forsaken planet to live and die. In the grand scheme of things, no, it doesn't. Because even if I'm in your life right now, who's to say where we'll be in another year? Another three? What I say now isn't going to affect you for the rest of your god forsaken life."

"That's a cop out and you know it."

"Maybe it is, maybe it isn't." She took a long drag from her clove, "But I don't care about the past, Lightning. I'm done with the past. Sure, I look back on it from time to time, but I never linger. We ain't teenagers no more; we're in our god damn mid twenties. You know how much time has passed between point A an' B? A whole fuckin' lot, Lightning. A _whole_ fuckin' lot."

"So forget about Serah? Forget about my mother? Forget about every little thing that caused me pain and go on with my life? Is that what you're telling me right now?"

"Fuck _yes_ that's what I'm tellin' ya." Fang stood up so that she loomed over me, "I'm tellin' ya to get out of this stupid, depressive space you've created for yourself. I'm tellin ya to buck the fuck up and stop hidin' from all the shit in your life. Accept who you fuckin' are and _move_ the fuck on, Lightnin'!"

I turned away from her and to look up at the night sky. Vibrant stars, almost blinding moon. What was this supposed to mean? What was I trying to find? I wanted to shield myself from the strength of the moonlight because it was too much. Too bright, too much light. "...I have said time and time again that the person I am is not acceptable." I began, "…And I have tried to change that."

" _And_?" Fang asked.

"You beat a child enough times; you'll subdue them into silence. You push a child into a corner, they'll cower and shield their face from the bone breaking snap of their parent's belt. After time, they'll just take the beating. They won't try and fight you anymore because they know its pointless." I replied and took a deep breath, "…You become numb. You become _conditioned_ to become numb until you're given a reason to fight back."

"And have you done that, Lightning?" Fang asked, "Have you _really_ fought back against any of this?"

I shook my head and felt a pressure building in my nose and the sides of my eyes prickle with water, "No." I said, my voice almost trembling, " _No_. I haven't. I've never fought, Fang. I've only pushed down and tried to forget."

She puffed on her cigarette again and lowered her gaze, "…Time to stop runnin', Light. Claire wants you to listen."

Deny my feelings and my memories, remain as Lightning. Open up and feel the insurmountable, uncontrollable pain in my heart, become Claire. Is there any way to merge the person I am now with the person I left behind? Or have I been the same person all this time and have failed to realize that Claire was standing in my shadow when I thought I laid her to rest and locked her away in my heart? Is this growing up? Or is this adapting? At their core… aren't they the same thing?

I shut my eyes and felt one lone tear quickly slide down my cheek and fade away, "I don't even know who that person is anymore. Any compassion… any part of being human has already left me, Fang. I don't… I don't know who I even am anymore." I opened my eyes and inhaled shakily, "I just …"

"Everyone is broken, Lightning. _Everyone_. No matter how you look at it, we've all got heavy and invisible duck tape holding all our fragile parts together." Fang muttered as she tossed the clove off the balcony, "You grow up, you change, you deal, you adapt. That's all there is to it. Life throws you for a loop all the time, you freak out and you deal with it. That's all there is. It's your choice whether you succumb to crippling anxiety at every turn or you brave it with a blank heart and face."

"That's what I've done." I said, "…And look where it's gotten me."

"…You know, I think there's a way for you to fix this. But I don't know how much you'd be up for the idea."

"And that is?"

"You need to talk to your sister." Fang said, "Let her hear what's in your heart for the first and last time. …Do you think you can do that?"

"…See… Serah?" I murmured to myself.

"In my experience, when you've got an issue with someone, you either do one of two things." Fang started as she stuck her index finger up for emphasis, "One, you talk it out. Or two, resort to violence if they don't understand the first time around. …I've been on the receivin' end of number two from you multiple times. Maybe it's high time you start tryin' to use your words instead of your fists to solve things, yeah?"

"You've deserved it every time it happened." I countered, "…And what would I even say to her after all these years? What would _she_ say?"

Fang sighed as she leaned back on the railing in front of us, "How would I know? All I know is that you've got a lot of shit piled up on your chest, Light. And it's not healthy for you to walk around with that all that crap weighing so heavily on you." She looked at me, "And the only way either of us is going to go farther with what we have is if you go and _see_ your sister."

-x-

Bodhum had changed little in the eight years that I had been gone from this place. The smell of the ocean was as poignant as ever and the sense of relaxation this small beach town retained was overwhelming.

Yusnaan was all lights and never ending festivities, while Luxerion was solemn and quiet through and through. But, Bodhum… Bodhum always felt like it was floating on the periphery of a never ending dream. It was a town unmarred with the trivialities of modern day living. It was just a place where people could _be_ … could go at their own pace. I had missed it here and I felt it with how my heart pulled with memories of my distant past.

Fang had offered to buy us train tickets at first, but I refused. I wanted to take a boat. She didn't understand, but I felt that the train was too cramped, too anxiety producing. I wanted an open space where I could collect my thoughts and get them in order. What better way to do that than by travelling on an open sea?

I didn't know what I was planning to do or say, but I knew I had to end this where it all began. Bodhum was my home … and I believe if I had stayed here so many years ago, I probably wouldn't be where I was now. Even if my mother had still passed on, things with Serah probably wouldn't have become what they were. My sister would have never run away and I would have never tried to destroy myself.

Maybe I could have helped Fang as well. Maybe our relationship would have remained solid instead of frayed like an old, patchwork quilt. Or maybe not. Maybe we would be bound to go our separate ways somewhere down the line and come back together like we were now. Who knows, who can really say?

"Do you even know where she lives?" Fang asked as we stepped off of the boat and onto the docks.

"She's with Snow." I answered, "That's all I know."

"Hm…" Fang mused as she paused and adjusted her bag over her shoulder, "I'm tryina think … there was this place we used to hang out at. This place called Nora over by the beach."

"What about it?"

"I used to meet Godot there from time to time way back when… it was run by some chick named Lebreau… or her parents ran it, I don't know. Who cares, that's not important. Point is, Snow and his motley crew used to hang around there a lot." Fang shrugged her shoulders as she pocketed her hands into the fronts of her jeans, "She might be there."

"I suppose it's a start." I said and turned around so we could walk again. We walked off of the docks and down the street leading toward one of the main roads. Everything smelled the same, everything sounded the same, it was almost as if time stood still in this place.

"It's like we never left, yeah?"

"So much time has passed and yet…" We stopped just short of the boardwalk leading toward the beach, "…And yet, my memory remains exactly the same."

"I haven't been back since ma picked up and left." Fang said as she slowed her pace and stopped again, "It's kinda nice being back…wish it were for different circumstances though."

"Yeah…"

"…Light, you sure about this?" She pulled out her phone to check the time, "It's only a little after three. I could cancel our reservations for the night; we could turn around, catch the 4:15 back into Yusnaan and be home by nine."

"You were the one that suggested it." I shook my head, "And, no, I want to do this. I've run away from her for long enough, Fang. I can't move on until I do this."

"…And where do you intend to go from here?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you think it'll be a singular conversation?" Fang wondered as we descended a flight of stairs leading onto the beach, "…Do you think she'll even want to see you after all this time?"

"Probably. Even with all of the distance and time put between us, my sister…" My stomach dropped and for a moment I felt sick again. Fang noticed my brief pause and she silently waited for me to continue, "…Despite everything, Serah will want to see me again. She never wanted to leave Luxerion all those years ago."

"But she had to."

"For both our sakes."

I stopped to remove my sandals and Fang did the same. The sand was hot and dry beneath my feet… but I welcomed the feeling of the earth coming in contact with my skin. The beach was oddly desolate at this time of day, but I was always a fan of silence rather than rowdiness and noise. I turned back to look at Fang as she flexed her feet in the sand and looked up to smile at me.

"…You know what you look like right now?" She asked as she raised her hand to pin her hair behind her ear so it stopped blowing in her eyes.

"What?" I asked.

"You look the same way you did on that night." Fang replied and lowered her gaze to her feet again, "Lost an' confused. Unsure of yourself an' broken down. …It's okay if you're afraid, you know?"

"I'm not _unsure._ " I said as I began to walk away from her and she trailed at a leisurely pace behind me, "Far from being afraid, too."

"Jeez, we spend a whole summer together being gay, denouncing God and sharin' our feelings an' shit and you still find a way to close up on me. Nice one, Light." Fang muttered, "When will you learn that you _don't_ have to lie to me?"

"Can we not do this right now?" I asked as I stopped walking and turned around to face her, "You're supposed to be here to help me stay calm, not rile me up."

"All right." She began walking again, "Let's not argue, yeah? I have a feeling you might be subjected to somethin' like that pretty soon."

I was about to turn around and follow her when something small and red brushed up against my leg. I looked down and noticed that it was a small, plastic beach ball, just big enough for a small child. I raised my gaze to see a small figure running my way. The child was still a toddler judging from the way her arms flailed and how uncoordinated she was as she stumbled along the uneven terrain of the sand. She stooped down to pick up the ball that was at my feet and looked up at me with her cherubic face and bright eyes. There was a haunting familiarity in her features; she was a spitting image of Serah.

"You look like my mommy."

Fang muttered something from behind me and I raised my gaze toward the boardwalk. Like a ghost from the past, my sister soon came into view as she stumbled over the hill of sand and slid down to where we were standing with Lumina. Fang walked up beside me, a stony gaze on her face and her arms crossed over her chest in a way that commanded authority. She felt like a guard dog that was ready to attack when I gave the signal.

" _Lumina_!"

Lumina giggled and turned away from me as she held her ball over her head, "Over here, mommy!"

…So this was my niece. This was the child that Serah was convinced would save our relationship so long ago. Serah looked like she was about to start lecturing Lumina, but the expression on her face instantly changed when she saw her standing with us. There was a fear in Serah's eyes that I remembered from a long time ago. A feeling of defeat before anything had happened or was said.

Lumina instantly ran toward Serah and clutched onto the hem of her dress with one small hand. She swung her dress back and forth and gestured toward us excitedly, "She looks like you."

Serah cleared her throat and smiled silently down at Lumina. She unlaced her hand from the end of her dress and picked Lumina up in her arms. Serah bounced Lumina for a minute and then looked at me, "…What are you doing here?"

"I came to talk." I replied.

She looked at Fang who stood at my side and then looked back at me, "...What's the occasion? After all this time? Isn't it too late to talk?"

"Not when it comes to us it isn't."

"I don't know if it's a good idea if you're here." Serah murmured, "…I don't think …any of this is a good idea."

"Serah, Lightning came all this way just to talk to ya. The most you can do is hear her out." Fang interjected, even though I wanted her to stand down. This was my fight, not hers.

Lumina babbled at her and Serah grew silent as if she was trying to decide on what she should do. Finally, she turned around and began walking, "…Come with me."

-x-

"Snow will be home from work in two hours. …I'd appreciate it if you were gone before then."

"Ain't this a bitch." Fang muttered under her breath, "All the shit she pulls and she's trying to throw you out now, yeah?"

I gave her a look that meant I wanted her to stop talking and Fang begrudgingly obeyed. Serah sat Lumina down at the kitchen table and then turned around to fill a kettle with water and set it on the stove. She glanced over her shoulder and cast a weary look at the two of us sitting side by side. The tension in the air was uncomfortably thick and I felt like I was suffocating.

Lumina yawned loudly and rubbed at her eyes, " _Mommy_ , I'm _tired_."

"Just a minute, honey. I'll get you your juice and then we'll go lay down for a nice nap, okay?"

"Okay." Lumina answered back and then looked at me, "…Mommy, who's this lady?"

Serah drummed her fingers rapidly on the counter in rhythmic thought. She set about taking three mugs out of the cabinets and then set down a brightly colored cup with a top for Lumina, "…That's your auntie Claire, Lu."

Lumina turned around to face Serah, "But I thought you said she was sick, mommy."

"She _is_." Serah answered, as she poured the water into each of the mugs and then reached into the refrigerator for some juice for Lumina. I could see Fang visibly tense next to me and I knew she was two seconds away from punching Serah. "But she's here to see mommy so she can get better."

"Oh." Lumina answered. She looked at me, "You don't _look_ sick."

"I'm _not_." I answered, turning a cold eye on Serah.

" _Oh_!" Lumina's replied as if she understood, even though her forehead creased in confusion.

She didn't have a chance to say anything else because Serah appeared with her juice and picked her up off the chair to carry her away. She waved at me as Serah disappeared into a room off to the side of the kitchen. My sister reappeared a few minutes later, closed the door to Lumina's room and then brought the tray of mugs over to the table.

"…So, I'm an aunt, huh? You didn't abort her after all?"

"Snow would never let me." Serah replied, "He told me if I didn't want her that he would raise her alone. I wasn't going to kill his child."

"I know you thought about it back then. She took away your dream of dance, didn't she?"

Serah shook her head, "I teach now."

"Hm, nice." I took a sip of my tea and languished in the bitter taste of it on my tongue. "…Lies are unbecoming of you, Serah. I'm _sick,_ huh?"

Serah pulled a mug off of the tray and grasped it in her hands. "What was I supposed to say when she asked about you? I have an old picture of you, mom and me from when we were kids hanging up in the living room… she gets curious, Lightning."

"So you tell her I'm _sick_?"

"…Well…" Serah murmured into her cup, "…You _are_."

"That's bullshit." Fang interjected.

" _Fang_." I tried.

"I'm sorry, Light. But I can't let this shit go on like this." Fang snarled from my side as she pounded a fist on the table. She gestured toward me before I could even stop her, "That's bullshit, Serah and you know it."

Serah turned her gaze from Fang to me, "…Did you tell her what you used to do to me when we were kids, Lightning?" She asked, her voice completely passive, "How you used to pin me down and kiss me against my will? Did you tell her that?"

" _Oh_ , she told me that all right." Fang answered, "You're acting like I wasn't around to see things for my own eyes either, Serah. Do you know how possessive you were of your sister? It was _unnatural._ "

" _She's_ unnatural." Serah said.

"I don't believe a bloody word comin' outta your mouth right now." Fang threw her arms in the air in exasperation.

"…I didn't want to come here to argue." I said, trying to placate the situation and return it back to baseline. My interjection seemed to be enough to refocus Serah's attention and get Fang to calm down. "To be honest, Serah, I don't even know why I'm here. …It was Fang's idea to come here and I thought she would be right… that seeing you again would make things better. That I could stop beating myself up for the past and mend the damage done over the last ten years."

"Is that why you came here?" Serah asked, "Did you come to apologize?"

I shook my head, "Serah, I have nothing to apologize for. For some reason… you seem to remember things differently than I do."

"You were my _older_ sister, Lightning. You should have known what we did was wrong."

"…I was struggling as much as you were back then." I said, "…Both of us are at fault for what happened, Serah. You're to blame for this as much as I am. You seem to forget that it was you who came to me when you had no one else to turn to. I remember, Serah. And I know you do too."

"I was _young_ and confused."

"And I wasn't?" I asked, "…I just told you that I'm not blaming you for what happened, but you're not completely innocent in believing that you had no part in what happened." I ran my finger along the rim of the mug in contemplation, "…Did you think because I was gay that you could have simply passed it off as me being some type of predator? That you were helpless against me because you knew that I was attracted to other women?"

Serah looked away from her and I saw nothing but guilt written all over her face. "…I loved you, Lightning. Maybe… maybe it wasn't in a way that a little sister should have. But I _loved_ you. I just wanted to be close to you and I wanted you to always be proud of me." Her words were still so familiar after all these years, "…But I never felt like I was good enough for you. I always felt…" Her gaze drifted to Fang, "I always felt like you put Fang before me. …So I was desperate to always have your attention focused on me."

"…Serah, you're my sister. You know I would be proud of you no matter what."

"But you were always so _cold_ and distant with me." Serah said, "There was a time when you just disappeared completely from me and I didn't know how to handle it. I know you became the head of the house while mom was sick and I just… I just wanted my sister _back_. I never could have you to myself and I _hated_ it, oh how I _hated it_."

"I had to break the unhealthy codependence you had on me." I said, "That's no way for anyone to live, Serah."

"Don't you think I know that?!" She yelled, "Why do you think I buried myself in dance? I wanted you to come and see me and watch me. Even if I distracted myself, I knew you'd be there watching from the wings and that, in some way, I still had your attention. I just … I just wanted you to pay attention to me, Lightning. I wanted to be first in your life and I never felt like you made me a priority. I was just… I was just your little sister and nothing more, nothing less."

"…You should have been nothing more or less." I gripped the mug in my hands, "I'm sorry, Serah. I'm sorry you felt what you did… but it's not normal. …I'm starting to realize that neither of us really is …"

The table went silent as Serah furiously wiped away at the skin under her eyes. She rose from her seat and disappeared down a hallway leading away from the kitchen. In the time that she disappeared, Fang turned to me and whispered, "This is a disaster."

"No." I replied, "…No, things are going fine."

"You sure about that?" Fang asked.

"Yeah. ...My mind is a jumble... but I'm feeling all right." I replied just as Serah reemerged with a white envelope in her hand.

She sat down at the table and looked down at the white and frayed paper in her hand. Serah eventually slid it across the table and grasped her mug in her hands again, "That's for you."

"…What is it?"

"From mom." She answered, "…She gave it to me a month before she died. She said I should give it to you when she did."

"You never opened it?"

"How callous do you think I am to ignore my dead mother's wishes, Lightning?" She answered.

I looked at the envelope and then handed it to Fang to put in her bag, "I'll read it when we leave." I knew Serah was curious to know what was inside, but I was selfish and I wasn't going to allow her that luxury. I turned to Fang again, "…Could you… excuse us for a minute?"

She raised her eyebrows in curiosity, "Yeah?"

"I want to talk in private for a bit."

Fang glanced at Serah and then back to me, "What? Got something too salacious for my ears to hear?"

" _Fang._ "

"All right, all right." She waved her hands dismissively as she rose from the table and walked out into the living room, "Guess I'll just distract myself with all these sickening pictures of the nice happy family Serah and Snow've got here."

Serah frowned as Fang walked into the other room and lowered her voice, "She's still as rude as ever."

I ignored her comment and folded my hands in front of me on the table. "Never mind her. …You know, I thought I'd have a lot more to say after all this time, but I don't. …Serah, I don't hate you."

"Are you sure about that?" She asked.

I shook my head, "I've hated myself far more than I've hated you. But… I'm starting to change that. I just hate that it's taken me so long to realize that."

"What are you saying?" Serah asked.

"…What you and I did in the past can never be changed and it will always weigh on my mind no matter how many years will pass…" I started, "But, Serah, I think I'm done with holding onto the past. And I want you to let go as well. We can't change anything, we can't bring mom back and we can't pretend like we've ever had a normal relationship."

"But can we?" Serah asked. "Can we ever have a normal relationship, Lightning?"

I shook my head, "…I need some more time."

"Just tell me that we can." Serah pleaded with me, "I've missed you. I never wanted to leave Luxerion, but I had no choice. You hated me and I didn't … I couldn't stay with you anymore. That place drove me crazy. …Look at what it did to you over the last couple of years."

"Don't act like you know what Luxerion did to me, Serah, because you know that you were a part of the problem." I sighed, "I've… I've come to accept what I am… _who_ I am. And I'm done with fighting it."

"So what does that mean for us?"

"I came here because I thought I had all this stuff to say to you, but in actuality I don't. I've talked about it so much that I'm just… dead. I'm through with living it. I'm done with remembering it… done holding onto it. I just want … I want peace in my life and it doesn't start with holding onto everything in the past." I replied, "This summer, Fang took me away from Luxerion because if she didn't… I probably would have killed myself sooner than later. And over this summer I've had a lot of …revelations about myself if you will. …And I believe talking to you is the last part in the process."

"…So… is that it?" Serah asked, "You just drop in for twenty minutes after we've had zero contact for years and I'm supposed to be okay with that?"

"Serah, I just… work with me here. Stop making this about you." I felt like we were backsliding into the past and I didn't come here for that to happen. I rose from the table and sighed, "I don't know how I feel about our relationship right now. I just needed to find some sort of closure by seeing you after all these years."

"As if I don't want the same thing." She murmured, "…Are you leaving?"

"I have nothing left to say." I replied, "See me out?"

Serah seemed reluctant to let me go, as if she had more to say. "You know, Snow thinks you kicked me out. I never told him the truth about why I came running back to Bodhum while I was still pregnant with Lumina." She said, "…Lumina will probably mention that you were here… and I know he doesn't think highly of you. Maybe it's time I tell him the truth."

"That would be for the best." Was I supposed to feel any sort of pity for her at that point?

"...I'm just afraid he won't understand." I could hear that she was on the verge of tears again, "I'm just… I'm just afraid that he'll blame it all on you and he'll try and keep you away from me. I don't think I could stand to have the chance to be in your life again ripped away as soon as it comes."

"If Snow doesn't understand you, then he's undeserving of you." I chided and felt my gaze drift to where I could see Fang's silhouette by the archway of the kitchen, "Just talk to him Serah."

Serah rose from the table, "…I knew you would say that." She looked to where I was looking and I heard Fang shuffle away and start to hum to herself, "…So... I'm assuming you found someone who understands you, then?"

"Yeah." Was my noncommittal answer and then I turned around, "…I did."

-x-

"Well, that was exhausting." Fang collapsed onto the bed of the room we had rented for the night and sighed in content as she spread out on the bed, "Come and lay with me, Light."

I pushed back the heavy curtains that framed the sliding door to the balcony outside and unlatched the door so I could pull it aside. Warmth, crying seagulls and the smell of the ocean wafted in from outside and I felt like smiling for once.

"…In a minute, Fang."

"Oi, what are you doin'?"

"Taking in the view." I answered.

She grumbled under her breath and I heard her heavy footsteps pace across the room and stop just behind me. Her arms slid in from behind me and she leaned in to rest her chin on my shoulder, "You actin' like you ain't never seen this type of view before."

"Not like this I haven't." The sun was just beginning to set and the sky was a pale shade of pink and blue, bright oranges and fading red. It really was beautiful, "It's beautiful isn't it?"

"Yeah, you are." Fang answered and I knew she was talking about me. "Now come to _bed_ , Lightning. I'm all hot and bothered from watching you tell your sister off."

"…Unbelievable." I muttered.

"I know I am." She tightened her hold on me and kissed me on the cheek, "…I'm proud of you, you know?"

I shook my head, "Don't talk about it now, just let it rest."

Fang fell silent in accordance with my wishes and I turned my gaze back out to the slowly setting sun. We stayed like that, the crashing of the ocean waves and the crying of clocks of seagulls overhead. Eventually Fang would coax me away from the scene, remark again on how serene I looked in the aftermath of seeing Serah. I would tell her to hush once again and she would smile, because she understood what I was feeling even if I didn't say it. I never had to say much when it came to her.

We would make love three times that night, with each time better than the last. I didn't sleep that night even with Fang curled up protectively against my backside. It was a strange night where it felt like we were existing in a time outside of the realm of reality. It was during that night that all the demons of my past had been laid to rest and I was different... I felt free.

Summer was coming to an end, signaling the arrival of autumn... and everything was a little colder and crisper, but all the more clearer for me to see.


	12. claire

Do you ever find yourself changing… and you can't control it?

It's a gradual sort of thing that happens where you finally wake up one morning, staring at a stark white ceiling that should feel so familiar but it isn't. Your eyes follow the find the grooves and the dents, the bubbles of chipping paint that are threatening to flake off and fall to the ground at any minute. This ceiling is old; the walls of this room have dulled. There is dirt and grime forming at the corners of your window, dust gathering on the fading white of your broken blinds. The curtains your mother bought for you as a child still hang as remnants of your past that got left behind as you grew up.

The sun sets with the radiance of your laughter, the moon rises with the silence of your fears. You put up pictures and rip them down year after year. The names of your idols are replaced by the sullen words of a poet who speaks the truth of heartbreak and the ache of a world that has left you behind. You laugh a little less, withdraw a little more. Your childhood ends and you're stuck in this middle ground where nothing makes sense, even though you believe you have it all figured out. Your mother remarks that you've grown a little harsher in your words; your patience has been worn thin.

There are people who remark on the person you've become. You don't see it at first, maybe comment on the fact that _they're_ the ones that change. But sometimes, you look back and find that your denial was weak. Maybe … maybe they've been right all along.

It's like wiping away the condensation from a fogged up mirror. You stand amongst the steam, nude as the day you were born and observe yourself in your rawest form. It all feels so fresh and new, unmarred by the deceit and lies of the past. The image behind you fades away and it's replaced with nothing, a clear and blank slate. But it's not something you should fear. Your entire life has been a series of unknowns and now you're about to start again. Start anew.

Luxerion was the life that I was leaving behind. Eight years of deceit and torment would be forgotten as if it had never happened. Some may question how quickly I changed from the Order's lapdog… into the person I've come to be today. And my answer is simply that this is the person that I have always been. She was buried under piles of repression and regret. …Torment, guilt, fear, rejection, sadness. I have only known what it is to be strong, I do not… I _cannot_ express the parts of me that I found undesirable as eloquently as I used to. …But, I'm trying. You start to see things in a new light… or maybe they were always that way but you were just too ignorant to acknowledge them.

I look back at my time spent torturing myself at the hands of Bhunivelze in a world that should no longer be dictated by the old law. Priests and priestesses… the holy figures of the Order. Do you know how much hypocrisy lies beneath their words? I don't think I ever fully believed in the Order and their teachings. I was simply searching for something, searching for answers to why my life was the way it was. Why couldn't I be normal? What had I done to deserve to suffer like this?

But no longer do I ask myself those questions. I'm no longer a lost and confused teenage girl lying on her bed at night, staring off into the darkness and praying to some entity that never listened to me no matter how hard I shouted at him.

I won't be that person anymore.

I _refuse_ to be that person.

-x-

"…Oi. _Oi._ _OI!"_

"…Oi."

"Get your ass _over_ here, Lightning, and help me lift this god damn box." Fang grumbled as she squatted down and worked her hands underneath one of the heavier boxes we left for last, "What the hell do you have in here!? Rocks?"

"Books." I replied and moved away from the window, "Just like the last seven boxes."

"The hell are you trying to do? Open up a damn library?"

I shrugged, "You're into plants, I'm into books. I thought we already established this." I bent down opposite her and slid my hands under the frayed and taped up box.

"You think all this is gonna _fit_ in my room back home?" She asked as we hoisted the box up together and she slowly began back tracking out of my room and into the living room. We turned the corner and walked over to the front door where a few other boxes were stacked.

"We could always kick Vanille out and turn her room into a study." I mused and Fang began to chuckle at the thought.

"That ain't a bad idea, yeah?"

"What's not a bad idea?" Vanille came back in through the door of my apartment and looked at me and then Fang for clarification, "…Did I intrude on a warm and fuzzy moment?"

"No, you didn't." Fang rolled her eyes, "How are things looking down there?"

"Almost all ready to go. Hope's just about done rearranging things and then we just have to take these down, right?" Vanille asked as she looked to me for confirmation.

"Yeah." I said, nodding slowly. My mind was elsewhere at the moment.

Fang seemed to notice because she picked up a box, walked over to Vanille and deposited it in her arms, "Here, be useful for once in your life and go take this downstairs."

" _Jeez_ , this is heavy." Vanille moaned, nearly buckling underneath the weight of the box as she struggled to turn around. I heard her mutter something about being worked like a slave under her breath as she disappeared out of sight and back out into the street.

"Somethin' the matter?" Fang asked as Vanille left the apartment again and we were left alone again.

"…This is the last time I'm going to be here." I murmured, as I turned around to face her.

My eyes lingered on the fireplace behind Fang and then I looked toward where Serah's old room used to , then my mother's room, and finally looked back to mine. I walked back into my room and headed straight for my window. I had watched the sun rise a thousand times from these glass panes, but never had I felt its warmth. I crossed my arms over my chest and bowed my head in thought. Fang stood behind me in the archway of the door.

From Bodhum, we came back to Luxerion. Fang and I had had a long conversation the morning after I had seen and talked with Serah. …I told Fang …that I decided that I wanted to stay with her in Yusnaan. Luxerion was a pit of bad memories and awful dreams. This city was cursed by the gods. It knew no joy, only sorrow.

I turned around and surveyed the scene before me again. Barren bed, empty closet, bookless shelves. The only thing that remained in my room was a folded quilt I'd inherited from my mother right before she passed on. I left that folded on my bed until everything had been packed and ready to go. I gripped the chain that hung around my neck. A present from my mother upon our arrival in Luxerion. _A new start_ , she had told me. Well, I was about to start again.

"This is surreal." I whispered to no one in the room but myself. I looked up at Fang, "…Do you think I'm doing the right thing?"

"…Do you really think I would say no?" Fang asked, her laughter incredulous. She walked into my room and exhaled with a sense of finality, "This is what I wanted for you all along."

"Even if you never really knew the depth of what was wrong?"

"Does it really matter if I knew what was wrong or not?" She asked, "All the matters is that we've got you in a place where you should have been too long ago."

"…I feel lighter you know…" I said, "Less bogged down. My mind is clear."

"I can see it when I look at you." Fang said as she walked past me and over to the window. She fiddled with the latch and pushed the window open to let the late summer breeze in. "This place is dead."

"But, I no longer have to be."

"Damn right you don't." She looked at the blanket that was still resting on my bed, "…It's all right just leaving all this furniture here like this? You ain't gonna sell it or anything?"

I shook my head, "I've got what I need. The rest can stay here." I was done with all the additional baggage I'd been carrying through my life. I wasn't going to start adding extra weight when it was no longer needed.

Fang picked up the blanket and wrapped it over one of her arms. She ran her hand over its surface and then looked back up at me, "That it then?"

"Yeah… that's it."

-x-

We spent the last day of August—and in a way, the last day of summer—watching the fireworks on the beach. Fang, Vanille and I sat side by side on the sand watching them burst overhead while children dirtied their faces with shaved ice and adults gorged themselves with barbecue and got drunk off of spirits. Fang had bought three bottles of _Bacchus's_ Brew for the occasion, as if I expected any less. _The finest drink for the finest ladies_.

Fang handed me my bottle first and then passed one to Vanille before cracking open her own. She knocked her drink with mine and then leaned over to clink with Vanille, "A toast to the end of the summer."

Vanille huffed in sadness, "I'm sad to see it go. It came and it went too fast." She whined as she sipped her drink, "…It's going to start getting colder soon."

"Vanille, you're acting like it actually gets _cold_ in Yusnaan." Fang muttered as she rolled her eyes.

"Neither of you know what _cold_ is until you've lived in Luxerion." I interjected

"My lady friend is right, Vanille. Light takes the gold on this one." Fang chuckled as she tipped her bottle to her lips, "…It's been a good one, though. Lady Luck seems to have been on my side for once, yeah?"

"I _bet_ she has." Vanille said, casting a knowing glance in her direction.

Fang cleared her throat, "Anyway… Lightning, now that we've successfully made you an honorary resident of Yusnaan, what are you going to do?"

"…Write. I'm …I'm going to start writing again." I had tons of untouched volumes of work still holed up in boxes that were stacked side by side in Fang's room. Unpacking had been a nightmare that I'd slowly been working through. It didn't help that Fang had decided to throw away a ton of mess she owned in the process. Her room had become less of a bedroom and more of a disaster area.

"Whatcha gonna write about?" Fang dug her bottle into the sand and leaned back so that she was balanced on her elbows.

I shrugged and took a sip of the brew, "Don't know yet. I have to look at all my old notebooks and see if I can salvage anything."

Vanille fanned her hand excitedly and leaned way too far into my personal space, "I know what you should write about." I knew whatever she had to say would most likely be the stupidest idea on the face of the planet.

"…Don't care to hear it." I muttered.

"Oh, you're no fun." Vanille took a sip from her bottle and crossed her legs together, "I thought getting another roommate would equate to more _fun_. Not getting shot down at every turn."

Fang let out a loud, raucous laugh that made her throw her head back and hold on to her stomach, "That's a _good_ one, Van. Bloody hell, I needed that laugh." She turned to me, her grin amorous, "Oh, Lightning's _fun_ , Vanille. Tons of fun in tons of _ways_ you wouldn't expect."

" _Ew,_ Fang. Stop it." Vanille groaned, "If this keeps up, I'm going to look for a place of my own."

Fang continued to laugh and I tipped my bottle back up to my lips to take another sip. Overhead, the fireworks had finally started. Children shrieked excitedly with joy, pulling the hands of their tipsy parents so they could take them to the edge of the water for a better view. I was content on staying where I was.

"...Etro, if we could only have this moment forever." Fang sighed as she stretched out on the blanket underneath us and crossed her arms underneath her head, "Can't believe I gotta go back to the bloody hell hole in a few days."

"You'll get through it."

"Yeah, I _know_ that, but god damn I don't wanna go back." She sighed again, "…Guess all I can do is enjoy my last few days of freedom, yeah?"

I nodded slightly in agreement and took another sip of the Bacchus Brew. Vanille set her bottle down and rubbed her bare shoulders as a breeze blew in from the water. I shivered slightly myself; it was chillier than normal that night. She leaned over and pulled another massive blanket from out of the bag Fang had packed earlier. She turned to me as she anchored the blanket on her right shoulder and then offered the end to me.

"Are you cold, Lightning?"

Vanille scooted closer to me as I took the part of the blanket that she offered and wrapped the other half around my left side, excluding Fang from our small cocoon, "Thanks."

"Hey, hey, _hey._ " Fang immediately sat up and grabbed the blanket from off of my shoulder and wrapped it around her own. She squeezed in from my other side so that I was practically smushed between the two of them. "What's going on here?"

"Oh, Fang. Don't be jealous." Vanille stuck her tongue out playfully and picked her bottle back up from out of the sand, " _Oh_ , this blanket is really nice. Fang did you just buy this?"

"It was my mother's." I interjected.

"…Oh." I could hear in her voice that she didn't know how to respond.

"It's fine, Vanille. It's fine." I raised my head up to look at the fireworks overhead, "…I can't believe I've missed this for so long."

"You won't be sayin' that for long. Give it three weeks, you'll be wishin' you were back in your cold and stuffy city." Fang teased. We both knew that was farthest from the truth. Yusnaan… I could see Yusnaan becoming like a home to me if I gave it a chance. It was like Bodhum, except more vibrant and lively. At this point, anywhere I went would be better than Luxerion.

"Well, we can make a habit of this, right?" Vanille's eyes were hopeful and her tone was more than cheerful, "Three people are better than two and it's just been Fang and I for so long… I'm sure things will be better now that you're gonna be around for awhile, right, Lightning?"

I turned to look at Fang to see if she was paying attention to what Vanille had said, but she seemed to be lost in the fireworks that were reaching near culmination overhead. I slid my hand along Fang's and interlaced our fingers under the blanket where our thighs touched. That got her attention and she wordlessly cast her attention on Vanille and me. I turned back to the fireworks just as they ended.

"…Yeah… yeah, I suppose so, Vanille."

-x-

"You ever get sick of staring up at the lights, Fang?"

"Mmm?" She picked her head from off of my chest to look up at me.

"I'm reminded of Bhunivelze whenever I see the light… and things only feel safe here in the dark. It's changing, but I'm just curious if I'll ever feel the same way about seeing light. …If there will come a time when I won't equate it with pain… and loneliness." I looked down at her, "…Does that sound weird?"

Fang's shrug was slow and sluggish. She must have been more tired than I realized, "It's your interpretation of something. I can't tell you what to feel… only question it when it warrants it."

"Hm." I rested my arms on her upper back, "…I read that letter Serah gave me."

"From your mom?"

"Yeah." I said, "…Fang… she _knew_."

"What? About your preference for chicks instead of dicks?" Fang asked as she rolled off of me and onto her back. She reached over for something on the nightstand on her side of the bed and dropped a black box down between us, "…Care if I light up? Could go for a post coital smoke right now."

"No, go ahead." I said.

The smell of smoke settled around us as Fang exhaled and the clove burned slowly between her two poised fingers. She pulled the sheets up so they covered her chest and turned to look at me, "Go on, I'm listening, babe. What'd the letter say?"

I turned on my side and curled my arms underneath my face so that my cheeks pressed into my wrists, "…It was just… it was kind of a jumble of everything. Which is odd because my mother was usually so eloquent when she spoke…" I paused to gather my thoughts, "…She… she was proud of us. Proud of the way we handled things when all of it was falling apart around us. She said she was glad that Serah had me to look out for her. Which is sick considering everything that happened, but…"

" _Lightning_."

"Don't _lecture_ me, I'm not backsliding." I snapped. "…I'm just glad her last image of us was a happy one. My mother didn't know how much Serah was struggling during her last years at the academy. She thought I was the one shouldering the brunt of all our pain…"

"Even if it was a lie?"

"Would you have told your mother the truth?"

She took a drag of her cigarette, "Knowing my capacity for breaking her heart? No." Fang replied, "…I guess you're right on this one. Better to tell a lie than terrify her with the truth, yeah?I don't think any parent could possibly stomach thinking they screwed up that badly."

"It wasn't her fault." I said, "…It was never my mother's fault."

"Then who's was it?" Fang asked.

"…Sometimes things happen in life that aren't clear cut, Fang. Stuff goes one way when it should have gone another and … and it's just human to screw them up. There's always something buried beneath our actions and thoughts that we can't always understand. …My family was screwed up… my _life_ was screwed up and sometimes you don't really see these things until it's too late. You think it's normal, because it is. It's normal for _you_."

"But to everyone else?"

"To everyone else, of course it isn't. That's why I don't like explaining myself or my actions." I heaved a heavy sigh and motioned for her to pass the clove my way. She wordlessly obliged and I took one long pull off of the dark cancer stick, "That's why it's impossible to judge people and be completely right about them. Sure, there's maladaptive behavior, Fang. But… but sometimes that sort of stuff happens because those are the only coping mechanisms that some people are given. Everyone's not as fortunate to have someone like you… or your mom around to help them out when things get rough."

"Well, aren't you lucky?" Fang took the clove back and tapped it on the edge of the ashtray on the nightstand, "You're forgetting that people are incorrigible and obstinate. Just look at you and how long it took you to make a change. …Or start for one."

"I know." I replied, quietly. "…I know."

Fang pushed her free arm around my shoulders to pull me in close, "You're gonna be okay, you know?"

"Things still feel weird." I said.

"They're going to be until you adjust and get into a normal routine outside of the self destruction you endured in Luxerion." Fang sighed, "Don't worry. It'll be okay."

"…She didn't hate me for it, you know?"

"You talkin' about your ma again?"

"Yeah." I replied, turning over so that I was almost lying on my stomach. I stretched an arm out across Fang's abdomen and hugged her in close as well, "…In the letter… she said if that's the way I was made, she would love me regardless of whether everyone else in the world thought it was wrong. …She loved me just as she loved my sister."

"Even I know that, Light. Your mother knew how hard you worked to make things all right. _Everyone_ knew how hard you worked… and you thought yourself selfless when you were only hurting yourself. Never allowing yourself to feel _anything_ or know pain." Fang ashed the clove and ran her fingers through my hair, trying to pull free my curls, "It's time you learn what it is to feel again. You're not weak. You never have been and _never_ will be."

"…It may take awhile before I ever truly believe that."

"Well then I'll keep telling it to you. Day after day until it finally makes sense."

I turned my face into Fang's chest, inhaled the warmth of her skin and felt myself choke. I'd wasted so many years being _strong_ when I was weak. I'd shut Claire out because she was the weakest part of me. I always thought she was there, pushing my head under the water so she could drown me, when it was always the other way around. _Lightning_ was weak. _Lightning_ was the one holding _Claire_ under the water, trying to subdue her into silence when she needed me the most. I thought I was giving her a cradle to rest in, but it was really a pit of fire and deceit. I wanted to stop trying to kill…

I _would_ stop trying to kill her.

-x-

I woke up to the warmth of another body, another soul that was as fractured and damaged as my own. But it didn't matter. It _never_ mattered.

We had one another to keep each other whole. We had done it when we were teenagers, we would do it while we were adults. Fang had done nothing but try and keep me safe this whole time, and I had finally let her break down the wall. The door was open, not locked and bolted up with anything I could find. Her monstrous pounds had degraded into soft rapts. _Open the door_.

I had opened it and let the flood rush in. There was cool and gentle water that wrapped around my legs and washed away all the uncertainty that I had built up over the years. Fang walked through the floor, a small figure draped in crimson silk being carried in her arms. _Claire_.

She would wordlessly hand this figure to me and at first, I wouldn't know what to do with her. Kill her? I already did that. Listen to her? I couldn't do that. Nurture her? I didn't know _how_ to do that. But now… but **now** I was ready to embrace her. Listen to her, acknowledge her, be one with her again. Claire could have a place in my heart again. Claire could _live_ again. I wasn't afraid to _be_ her again. I would love her again… I needed to love her again. Fang had looked after her all this time, and it was time that I start doing the same.

The light was bright, but I didn't have to fear it anymore. I didn't have to fear anything anymore. I was human. I was alive. With time things would mend themselves. I would find my place… wherever that was. My mother always told me to live in the moment… and that's what I intended to do. This moment was mine; I would make _every_ moment mine.

At dawn I finally cut the red thread that bound my wrists together, and pulled the blood soaked thread from beneath my skin. I didn't need it anymore. I've never needed it, because this was it. No more clouded thoughts, no more shame.

Grasping tightly onto Fang's hand, I dove into the water, fearlessly, and took my first breath again.


End file.
